Dying in mortal sin - scenario 2

[Romick]

I initially entered this scenario as part of someone else’s thread with a different question about dying in mortal sin. Here’s mine:

If a person dies of a sudden heart attack while living in a state of adultery (let’s assume no chance for even a verbal confession), what does the lawful wife and the church do about his burial? Can he be buried in the church with a full Mass? It would be difficult to determine Christ’s judgment probably, but he would definitely be in a state of Mortal sin, having caused enormous pain to his family and willingly broken the 6th Commandment. However, to add to the scenario, the man is alcoholic, if that should count.

This man is my husband and he doesn’t see our grown sons for the most part nor our little grandchildren. Previously he did attend Mass faithfully, but not confession. I want him to come home. Another concern in a more earthly sense is how I will find out when he dies (he has had several heart attacks but is ok now) and how to handle a wake for him - since he has been away from our family. We are lawfully married - no legal separation. Then there is the problem of where to bury him.

Thanks and God bless.

 

[TOME]

I may be off on this and if I am I hope that someone will correct me. However, given the fact that noone but God and the individual knows the state of that person’s soul at the time of death, the benefit of the doubt must be given and a Church burial provided. And I think an act of God, on the part of the living wouldn’t hurt.

 

[Catilieth]

Given that even suicides are now given a funeral mass and Christian burial, I feel sure that a funeral Mass would be allowed.
You are under no obligation to have a wake, and I would probably have a family pow-wow to see how your children feel. They may or may not want to attend a wake.
Do you want to be in charge of the funeral/burial? If so, then do whatever you feel is right. If not, does he have family? This could very well be left up to them.
His estate should pay for the expenses. If he is not living with you, especially if he is living with another woman, the law probably regards you as separated. For example, I doubt that he would be responsible for any debts incurred by you since he left and visa versa. This may vary from state to state. I am assuming that he does not contribute financially to your household.

 

[Romick]

Thanks so much for your replies. To clarify further, my husband’s monies still come in part to me, and I would be financially responsible for his funeral and burial (as he would be for mine.) He does live with the other woman at this time, a terrible person who has wished us all dead. Our sons don’t like to talk about impending death, which I can understand, but I also know how emotional things are once the death happens. It is good to know that the church would probably let him have a funeral Mass. I heard a priest give a crack addict a eulogy/sendoff and thought it inappropriate, but maybe that’s just me. He didn’t even know the man.

It will be difficult to have a wide-open wake, where my husband, once such a widely loved man, would be constantly eulogized, but who has done such a terrible thing to his own family. That may sound petty, but if he doesn’t come to his senses before his death, I can’t see going through that.

My fervent desire is to see my husband come home and my marriage and family restored, and that is what I pray for constantly. I still love him unconditionally and believe that the Sacrament of Marriage calls on each of us to help the other get to heaven. I also feel that only Christ’s mercy and grace will restore my marriage. We do talk on the phone all the time, but don’t see each other. I think he just doesn’t know how to get back home and is too embraced in his drinking to break away.

 

[Catilieth]

My heart goes out to you. What a painful situation your family is in.
At the funeral, remind the priest that a eulogy is inappropriate in a Catholic Funeral Mass (yes, I know it’s often done, but then so are many other inappropriate things). I personally have made it known that there is to be no eulogy for me…lots of prayers, but no eulogy.
And as I mentioned, there does not need to be a wake.

 

[OutinChgoburbs]

I am praying for you right now. I hope he comes home to you so you don’t have to find out the answers to the questions you ask. That might not be realistic, but stranger things have happened.

There are three parts of the funeral rites. Only one of them is necessary- the committal to the grave/ masoleum/ cremation niche. The wake is a completely optional part, with or without the Scripture Service and Rosary.The body is not even necessary for the funeral Mass, which then becomes the Memorial Mass, and can be held well after the committal.

You can make it as private or as public as you wish, the committal. The Mass, being a public function of the parish, is open to all, but does not have to be advertised through public obituaries. Simply state in the obituary, “Burial will be private. A Memorial Mass will be celebrated at a later date”. That does not mean you have to sit in the same pew with his live-in, or let her take over. And Catilieth is right- Eulogies are never appropriate at a Memorial Mass. In our diocese, there are rules against it, except to praise any Christian qualities the deceased might have had, and those are to be limited to 3 minutes- AFTER the Eucharist, before the final blessing.

I found this out because my father-in-law thought he was dying, and decided to get things lined up. He does not wish a wake, and is not keen on a funeral Mass with all the bells and whistles (his late sister had quite the show-stopper). So, when the time comes, he’s getting buried where he lives, and there will be a memorial Mass in his town of birth later.

I could be wrong, and you may want to check with a lawyer, but…You are his legal next of kin unless and until there is a divorce, or he makes some sort of legal disposition of himself before he goes before the Lord. Somebody someplace has to inform you or your sons, and his paramour can’t just take over simply because she lives with him.

Somehow, I don’t think his live-in companion will want to deal with his demise, particularly if your husband happens to die in their current residence.

While you might be fit as a fiddle, you might want to see about putting something on paper yourself, to give the sons guidelines. DON’T put it in your will, which is probated AFTER your funeral and really has nothing to do with your final wishes, excepting the usual lines about paying for it out of your estate.

 

[Romick]

I very much appreciate the information you all have shared here. It sets my mind at ease. I had considered talking to a Catholic funeral director who attends our church and is the one I would use but felt that it would be awkward to do so. But I knew he would have many of these answers.

The suggestion to write down my own wishes, particularly since my husband is legally still the person who is responsible for burying me - in terms of money anyway, is a good one.

Thank you for the prayers. Please continue to pray for me and for the many marriages where the spouse has just walked out and no longer or rarely sees the family. I see this quite a lot since it has happened to me and frequently in long-term marriages.

God bless you all.