G
guiltycatholic
Guest
I’m 25, been married for 2.5 yrs, have a 19-mo-old and I’m 19 weeks pregnant. I had depression related to the pregnancy but now I’m back to my normal pre-pregnant crazy. But I am having a major spiritual battle and I need prayer and a listening ear.
I am trying to come to terms with my own unimportance. Parents know that having children is a good way to get over yourself. I went from a single, career-minded woman to a married stay-at-home pregnant mother. Pride is my biggest struggle and I have the example of my mother who has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I am having the hardest time letting go of my need to feel in control of my life, to get my needs met, to feel important and significant. I know of famous prayers about becoming less important and letting others become more important. I really WANT to want this, but the truth is that I’m just waiting for someone to realize how important I am and start treating me like it. haha I don’t consciously think that, but I think that’s what my subconscious believes deep down.
Feeling a deep connection with my husband satisfies that need to feel like I matter. I don’t require everyone to think I’m important, I just want to be important to him. I used to have these fantasies that I would find someone who was so deeply interested in me, who accepted everything about me and loved me unconditionally, someone who wanted to spend all their time with me. Someone I loved just as deeply and who didn’t think I was clingy or needy for wanting that level of intimacy. Needless to say, marriage to an actual human being has been pretty disillusioning. I am usu left craving intimacy. It’s like eating a meal - I need to eat everything on my plate and get a 2nd helping to feel full, and he’s satisfied after a few bites. His needs are met MUCH sooner than mine with MUCH less, and he’s happily oblivious as to how empty I feel. I can tell him all day, I have talked with him about love languages. He “gets it,” but at the end of the day, he stops all effort once his needs are met. Everyone seems to understand this in a sexual context, but few can offer sympathy when it’s just emotional needs.
He works overnights from 8pm-8am. They don’t treat him well, but he chooses to go in early, stay late, and go in on his days off regularly. Before everyone starts telling me that he’s working to escape from me, think again! He was even more of a workaholic before we met. He’s always been this way - it’s just part of who he is. He actually quit his 2nd job when we got married. His working so much is NOT caused by me or my behavior. He gets tremendous satisfaction from working and he’s very happy with his job. Personally, working like that would drive me crazy, but I’m happy for him if he’s happy. My problem is feeling like I’m last on his priorities. I love that he’s happy w work and I want him to reach his career goals. But I want him to put as much of himself into “us” as he does into that.
We are on a cycle of incredible intimacy alternated with profound distance, w abrupt transitions. We’re very close for about 3 or 4 days, and then all during the following week we are like complete strangers. Then, with no catalyst, we’re back to intimate for a few days. I think I could set a timer by my husband. He sees this, too, but neither of us knows why. It’s not related to his work schedule.
A lot of thought and prayer tells me I need to accept God’s will in my life even when it’s not what I think is best. Becoming a submissive wife is something I’ve been working on for maybe a year now, because I failed pitifully at this in the beginning of our marriage. I ranged between clingy and controlling in my efforts to make my needs known and have them acknowledged and met. Looking to my husband to fulfill all my needs was tempting, but I learned to pray more, esp when my husband abandons me emotionally. I see how my marital relationship parallels my relationship w God, and how my refusal to accept my husband’s decisions usually correlates w a refusal to cooperate w God’s will for me. My husband is a grown man who has been told and shown repeatedly what I want and need, but he is still free to ignore that. I have desperately begged him and I’ve casually mentioned. My behavior/emotions have very little impact on him and he can drift right off to sleep even if I’m having a meltdown. Lately I’ve seen the futility of trying to get what I want and coming to the realization that I won’t get it. I mean, sometimes, sure. But not on a consistent, reliable basis that I can trust. He will be so intimate with me one day only to turn and betray that completely later. I have to learn to appreciate those intimate times as a free gift from my husband that he doesn’t “owe” me. Unlike him, it takes me a while to get back to intimacy after the distance. He barely notices the distance at all, and what he does notice doesn’t bother him.
I think I would have the same problem no matter what my vocation. I’ve always had this problem in my family, friend, and romantic relationships. I think of it as dying to myself. The first solution I see would be for my husband to get over his personality and love me enough to meet my need for intimacy. But if I can see that, I have to see that I could get over my personality and love him enough to meet his need for space and distance. It’s a hard blow to my pride and it’s a difficult surrender. Feels like I’m losing myself or giving up legitimate needs just to accommodate him. Sometimes I can be vulnerable, open up to be hurt again, and push aside the fear of not being loved. I’ve often wished I could turn off my emotions and stop caring so much. I’d like to be able to acknowledge that I have a need but I won’t die when it isn’t met. My goal - the sacrifice of authentic love. Dying to myself… just feels like suicide sometimes.
I am trying to come to terms with my own unimportance. Parents know that having children is a good way to get over yourself. I went from a single, career-minded woman to a married stay-at-home pregnant mother. Pride is my biggest struggle and I have the example of my mother who has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I am having the hardest time letting go of my need to feel in control of my life, to get my needs met, to feel important and significant. I know of famous prayers about becoming less important and letting others become more important. I really WANT to want this, but the truth is that I’m just waiting for someone to realize how important I am and start treating me like it. haha I don’t consciously think that, but I think that’s what my subconscious believes deep down.
Feeling a deep connection with my husband satisfies that need to feel like I matter. I don’t require everyone to think I’m important, I just want to be important to him. I used to have these fantasies that I would find someone who was so deeply interested in me, who accepted everything about me and loved me unconditionally, someone who wanted to spend all their time with me. Someone I loved just as deeply and who didn’t think I was clingy or needy for wanting that level of intimacy. Needless to say, marriage to an actual human being has been pretty disillusioning. I am usu left craving intimacy. It’s like eating a meal - I need to eat everything on my plate and get a 2nd helping to feel full, and he’s satisfied after a few bites. His needs are met MUCH sooner than mine with MUCH less, and he’s happily oblivious as to how empty I feel. I can tell him all day, I have talked with him about love languages. He “gets it,” but at the end of the day, he stops all effort once his needs are met. Everyone seems to understand this in a sexual context, but few can offer sympathy when it’s just emotional needs.
He works overnights from 8pm-8am. They don’t treat him well, but he chooses to go in early, stay late, and go in on his days off regularly. Before everyone starts telling me that he’s working to escape from me, think again! He was even more of a workaholic before we met. He’s always been this way - it’s just part of who he is. He actually quit his 2nd job when we got married. His working so much is NOT caused by me or my behavior. He gets tremendous satisfaction from working and he’s very happy with his job. Personally, working like that would drive me crazy, but I’m happy for him if he’s happy. My problem is feeling like I’m last on his priorities. I love that he’s happy w work and I want him to reach his career goals. But I want him to put as much of himself into “us” as he does into that.
We are on a cycle of incredible intimacy alternated with profound distance, w abrupt transitions. We’re very close for about 3 or 4 days, and then all during the following week we are like complete strangers. Then, with no catalyst, we’re back to intimate for a few days. I think I could set a timer by my husband. He sees this, too, but neither of us knows why. It’s not related to his work schedule.
A lot of thought and prayer tells me I need to accept God’s will in my life even when it’s not what I think is best. Becoming a submissive wife is something I’ve been working on for maybe a year now, because I failed pitifully at this in the beginning of our marriage. I ranged between clingy and controlling in my efforts to make my needs known and have them acknowledged and met. Looking to my husband to fulfill all my needs was tempting, but I learned to pray more, esp when my husband abandons me emotionally. I see how my marital relationship parallels my relationship w God, and how my refusal to accept my husband’s decisions usually correlates w a refusal to cooperate w God’s will for me. My husband is a grown man who has been told and shown repeatedly what I want and need, but he is still free to ignore that. I have desperately begged him and I’ve casually mentioned. My behavior/emotions have very little impact on him and he can drift right off to sleep even if I’m having a meltdown. Lately I’ve seen the futility of trying to get what I want and coming to the realization that I won’t get it. I mean, sometimes, sure. But not on a consistent, reliable basis that I can trust. He will be so intimate with me one day only to turn and betray that completely later. I have to learn to appreciate those intimate times as a free gift from my husband that he doesn’t “owe” me. Unlike him, it takes me a while to get back to intimacy after the distance. He barely notices the distance at all, and what he does notice doesn’t bother him.
I think I would have the same problem no matter what my vocation. I’ve always had this problem in my family, friend, and romantic relationships. I think of it as dying to myself. The first solution I see would be for my husband to get over his personality and love me enough to meet my need for intimacy. But if I can see that, I have to see that I could get over my personality and love him enough to meet his need for space and distance. It’s a hard blow to my pride and it’s a difficult surrender. Feels like I’m losing myself or giving up legitimate needs just to accommodate him. Sometimes I can be vulnerable, open up to be hurt again, and push aside the fear of not being loved. I’ve often wished I could turn off my emotions and stop caring so much. I’d like to be able to acknowledge that I have a need but I won’t die when it isn’t met. My goal - the sacrifice of authentic love. Dying to myself… just feels like suicide sometimes.
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