Eager for marriage

[ACanthony]

I am a 27 (almost 28) year old man. I am very devoted to my faith and am striving to be a better Catholic each day. I have just recently started dating a nice Catholic girl who seems like a great influence on me. By no means whatsoever am I trying to rush into marriage. However, marriage has always been on my mind in the last few years. (just a sidenote, I think way too many young people are searching for a perfect person and are just trying to have fun or concentrate on career and, as a result, family life in our society has taken a big hit). I of course want to be close friends with this girl I am dating first and get to know her. I was speaking about my eagnerness for marriage to a friend. I listed the reasons why I would like a marriage; one of the reasons is because as I grow older, there is more and more sexual temptation. By God’s grace I have overcome a good deal of it and am winning the daily battle, but still, it is a burdensome battle and I feel the gift of sexuality in marriage would be great for me. My friend told me that one of my reasons to want to get married should not be because I want to experience sexuality with my partner (just a sidebar, my friend probably doesn’t know where I am coming from, as he often has pre-marital sex…but I was successful in helping him at least come back to the Church). I am just curious if you think my friend is right or if my desires are normal. Thank you and God Bless.

 

[sicutincensum]

I think it’s absolutely normal. Marriage is the “remedium concupiscentiae” (c.f. Can. 1013. § 1 Matrimonii finis primarius est procreatio atque educatio prolis;
secundarius mutuum; adiutorium et remedium concupiscentiae. - The primary end of marriage is the procreation and education of children; its secondary end is mutual help and the allaying of concupiscence.).

 

[Savior2012]

Getting married for a sexual need seems short sighted, Marry for love, soul mate and common enjoyment such as children

 

[chevalier]

Be careful. Don’t allow that new idea to set you in the right mood for the wrong decisions!

 

[Phaedra777]

Is there any spark with this young lady? It seems that you are ready to “settle down”, which is fine. But just because a person is nice and has many good qualities, doesn’t mean she would be the wife for you.

 

[cmscms]

It all depends on the context in which case you are both right

If your friends is saying ‘There is more to marriage than sex and if you marry her just so you can have guilt free sex, other issues could arise and you will be in a bad situation’, then he is right

If you are saying ‘There are several reasons why I want to commit to this girl for the rest of my life and I am looking forward to being able to express my love to her fully’ then you are right

CM

 

[MidnightSun12]

It’s important to make sure that you want to marry this woman all the moments of the day… even those moments when you’re not feeling the draw of sexual desire.

 

[Thankfulness]

Your caution is because you will marry this girl only if you genuinely care for her?
The other has meaning, but not without love.
God grant that you will genuinely care about each other if you are to marry.
However, you do also make clear that you don’t know her well yet, so you may yet come to develop a deeper involvement.
May God bless you both.

 

[SeaShoreGirl]

My FH has taught me alot about males. Stuff I didn’t necessarly learn from my 3 brothers.

We’ve been going out for nearly a year now, and it’s been wonderful. We both love eachother on a surface level and we both very much look forward to the wedding night (and many nights thereafter ). However, he also makes silly comments like how he’d like to have sex with an actress/singer/tv star. He’s not serious, just male.

Guys are visual, they see pretty and they desire sex. Then they fall in love and desire sex on a more intmate level. I think that’s where women start off. We fall in love first, desire sex second. That’s why you see gorgeous women with dorky men, but very unusually the other way around. Today, most times couples are evenly matched as today’s women are more inclined to go with the blue-eyed blonde as men of yesteryear were to go after blondes.

It’s not wrong to desire sex with your signifigant other. Abstaining till marriage is just a short time. My FH and I knew very early on that we were sexually attracted to eachother and have that spark. As we spend more and more time with eachother it becomes more obvious and now about about finding the right time to talk over more serious things than baseball…which is quite serious. At any rate. Take your time, enjoy, love, laugh, flirt. Do random things. Cook dinner, see movies. Be in love. Eventually talk about your future and things like sex and children…but not right away. Have fun. Be real.

 

[ACanthony]

Thank you all!

I definitely want to get to know my girlfriend and have fun with her and get to know her and grow in God’s love with her. I definitely do not want to use her just for guilt free sex by no means! I am just saying as a 27 yr old male, sexual purity is a tough thing to battle. And I know once I marry that battle will get off of my back (I mean for the most part since sex in marriage can be abused as well). Thanks everyone!

 

[chevalier]

However, he also makes silly comments like how he’d like to have sex with an actress/singer/tv star. He’s not serious, just male.

With all due respect to your feelings and those of your chosen gentleman, those kind of comments are inappropriate and hurtful. They would be a deal-breaker for me before marriage and very, very saddening if already married. They are not, “just being male.”

Guys are visual, they see pretty and they desire sex. Then they fall in love and desire sex on a more intmate level. I think that’s where women start off. We fall in love first, desire sex second.

It doesn’t necessarily happen that way in either men or women. There are plenty, plenty of situations where women desire sex but do not desire love, and it may happen that a man forms a romantic attachment first before thinking much about the sexual aspects. Also, women have the emotional and sexual aspects more integrated than men. Thus, a man can more easily have a split between the two, while a woman may more easily fail to notice when things start getting sexual (she may think it’s still affection or romantic flirting).

Today, most times couples are evenly matched as today’s women are more inclined to go with the blue-eyed blonde as men of yesteryear were to go after blondes.

No, ma’am, I’m a blue-eyed blonde and if that were true, I’d know something about it. I’m convinced that most women favour the darker type, though things may be different throughout the world (Europe here).

 

[joanofarc2008]

My FH has taught me alot about males. Stuff I didn’t necessarly learn from my 3 brothers.

We’ve been going out for nearly a year now, and it’s been wonderful. We both love eachother on a surface level and we both very much look forward to the wedding night (and many nights thereafter ). However, he also makes silly comments like how he’d like to have sex with an actress/singer/tv star. He’s not serious, just male.

Guys are visual, they see pretty and they desire sex. Then they fall in love and desire sex on a more intmate level. I think that’s where women start off. We fall in love first, desire sex second. That’s why you see gorgeous women with dorky men, but very unusually the other way around. Today, most times couples are evenly matched as today’s women are more inclined to go with the blue-eyed blonde as men of yesteryear were to go after blondes.

It’s not wrong to desire sex with your signifigant other. Abstaining till marriage is just a short time. My FH and I knew very early on that we were sexually attracted to eachother and have that spark. As we spend more and more time with eachother it becomes more obvious and now about about finding the right time to talk over more serious things than baseball…which is quite serious. At any rate. Take your time, enjoy, love, laugh, flirt. Do random things. Cook dinner, see movies. Be in love. Eventually talk about your future and things like sex and children…but not right away. Have fun. Be real.

I think that this is a very real post in the context of American culture. We have to remember that we all bring cultural context to our relationships regardless of whether we mean to or not.

 

[Thankfulness]

Thank you all!

I definitely want to get to know my girlfriend and have fun with her and get to know her and grow in God’s love with her. I definitely do not want to use her just for guilt free sex by no means! I am just saying as a 27 yr old male, sexual purity is a tough thing to battle. And I know once I marry that battle will get off of my back (I mean for the most part since sex in marriage can be abused as well). Thanks everyone!

May God’s grace be with you both as you learn to know and grow to love each other.
May God grant you the graces to work for a happy an holy life together

 

[domandcarols]

However, he also makes silly comments like how he’d like to have sex with an actress/singer/tv star. He’s not serious, just male.

EW. Are you serious?!?! That’s not silly or being male, that’s just disgusting. :tsktsk:
My girlfriend would slap me if I said something like that.

 

[Luvz2travel]

I don’t think it’s good to be over eager for marriage (desperate in other words) if you feel that way something is wrong. If you know that someday you wish to marry and think you may have found a compatible partner then by all means get to know her and take your time to learn if she is the right person. I think it’s important to really love the person you marry because life is hard enough and so are even the best relationships. For myself just having gotten out of a bad relationship I’m not inclined to run into another. At this point I’m pretty sure I’m won’t ever marry since all I run into is the same type and I’m taking this as a sign from GOD that I’m meant to be single. That is fine with me a bad relationship is so not worth the trouble I’d rather be single and happy even if it means I’ll never find someone compatible.

 

[chevalier]

At this point I’m pretty sure I’m won’t ever marry since all I run into is the same type and I’m taking this as a sign from GOD that I’m meant to be single.

Not necessarily! In fact, I doubt it. It rather suggests some kind of flaw in the picking. It might be deep-seated, it might be subonscious, it may go back to a seemingly trivial thing from decades ago. Sometimes we try to fix something or make up for something or prove something (to ourselves or to others) and we don’t realise. At other times we just repeat patterns. Perhaps you can trace the similarities?

That is fine with me a bad relationship is so not worth the trouble I’d rather be single and happy even if it means I’ll never find someone compatible.

Yup. Though sometimes as far as compatibility goes we have a couple of requirements or strong preferences that aren’t really as important as we think they are. They may even be outdated because whatever was the underlying basis (e.g. our understanding of something or even hobbies and interests that change) changed long ago.

 

[SeaShoreGirl]

With all due respect to your feelings and those of your chosen gentleman, those kind of comments are inappropriate and hurtful. They would be a deal-breaker for me before marriage and very, very saddening if already married. They are not, “just being male.”

Since he’s my FH and not yours, I’m really fine with it. Now if he said it when I felt particularly ugly or in a cruel way I’d be injured, but he never would. It’s a joke. Guys notice. From that he has choices to keep looking, to dwell and (heven forbid) to act. None of which he does.

It doesn’t necessarily happen that way in either men or women. There are plenty, plenty of situations where women desire sex but do not desire love, and it may happen that a man forms a romantic attachment first before thinking much about the sexual aspects. Also, women have the emotional and sexual aspects more integrated than men. Thus, a man can more easily have a split between the two, while a woman may more easily fail to notice when things start getting sexual (she may think it’s still affection or romantic flirting).

Wow. So women are just so nieve. I think they can decide as adults where boundaires are.

No, ma’am, I’m a blue-eyed blonde and if that were true, I’d know something about it. I’m convinced that most women favour the darker type, though things may be different throughout the world (Europe here).

Blue eyes get me every time. When they come with an smart, funny, strong guy, and morally wonderful guy all the better.

EW. Are you serious?!?! That’s not silly or being male, that’s just disgusting.
My girlfriend would slap me if I said something like that.

To each his own. It dosn’t diminish from me at all, and it dosn’t bothor me. I have other things I’m sensitive about and he respects that, just as he has things I respect. We’re both Catholics who even if we find issue with Catholic teaching fully follow it, go to Mass, Adoration and Confession. But we do live in the world. We are both aware of sexual undertones, and of many things. He knows that l have a soft spot for musisians. Its not wrong, or bad, it just is. Neither of us ACT on it, and both of us acknowlege it. Nothing becomes an elephant. We both know that we DEEPLY love eachother and we both respect eachother in our joking. We’d never do anything purposly to hurt the other, and apologize when we do.

Thing is, when the time comes we’ll be able to handle things much better becuase we are open with eachother. No, he dosn’t need to know when I pee…but we do share. Infact, we share alot more than most couples do before marriage. My parents have been married for 30 years and they are just discussing some of the things we’ve talked about. I was talking to my friends, married 15 years last night. They were lovingly offering me (unsolited) advice. I waked away feeling pretty darned good becuase they’re things my FH and I have discussed.

I’m sure we have alot to discuss, to encounter and to endure. But why criticize if it works for us?

 

[Mirror_Mirror]

SeaShoreGirl,

I would say that the fact that you are open and honest in your relationship, that is a great thing. Many times, most relationships are not that way and couples fail to focus on things that will affect them in the future of their relationship, especially as they join their lives together as husband and wife and go to living together versus being in seperate living arrangements. As you said, your parents that have been married all these years have not discussed certain things. That is a strong foundation to build your future on. I would caution though on being so “accepting” of comments about liking to have sex with an actress, even if in jest, the “he is just a male” excuse can be damaging. What if he were to be viewing pornography? Is that ok cause that is “just what guys do?” Let us not lose sight of what our Lord said in the 5th chapter of Matthew’s gospel:

27* “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ 28 But I say to you, everyone who looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart. 29 * If your right eye causes you to sin, tear it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one of your members than to have your whole body thrown into Gehenna. 30 And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one of your members than to have your whole body go into Gehenna.

Just be careful, statements like the one he said can lead to other issues. Joking or not, it can be damaging.

 

[chevalier]

Since he’s my FH and not yours, I’m really fine with it. Now if he said it when I felt particularly ugly or in a cruel way I’d be injured, but he never would. It’s a joke. Guys notice. From that he has choices to keep looking, to dwell and (heven forbid) to act. None of which he does.

I notice when a woman is attractive but this doesn’t mean I’d like to have sex with her. That she’d like to have sex with some specific other man is not something I’d like to hear from a hypothetical love of mine. Being male doesn’t justify it, as if men are inherently less moral than women and can’t be blamed.

Wow. So women are just so nieve. I think they can decide as adults where boundaires are.

Pardon me the rather direct tone but they can also, as adults, find out that they were wrong when it’s too late. Which is not something I’d wish on you. Even if you will not like this, I suggest you rethink the issue and do not allow yourself to be told than men simply are “like that”, regardless if this is said by men themselves, claiming it as an excuse, or women who have grown to think that this is okay. The choices are yours, not anybody else’s but so are the consequences.

But why criticize if it works for us?

Because it is somewhat striking that someone would tell his or her partner that he or she specifically would like to have sex with a specific other person. It is somewhat striking to see that being tolerated in a Catholic environment, and it is personally sad to me, as a man, to read that men are just like that. You are, of course, free to have that opinion and to express it and I don’t question that at all, but at the same I can have my opinion too and express it.

 

[runwaymodel]

With all due respect to your feelings and those of your chosen gentleman, those kind of comments are inappropriate and hurtful. They would be a deal-breaker for me before marriage and very, very saddening if already married. They are not, “just being male.”

Amen to that! My guy is not the type to ever comment about another woman because he already has me. Plus its just a respect thing. I wouldn’t dream of saying anything like that either. I could not love where I do not respect.

It doesn’t necessarily happen that way in either men or women. There are plenty, plenty of situations where women desire sex but do not desire love, and it may happen that a man forms a romantic attachment first before thinking much about the sexual aspects. Also, women have the emotional and sexual aspects more integrated than men. Thus, a man can more easily have a split between the two, while a woman may more easily fail to notice when things start getting sexual (she may think it’s still affection or romantic flirting).

:thumbsup:Agreed. One simply cannot categorize all men or woman based on how a few act. Its just not logical.

No, ma’am, I’m a blue-eyed blonde and if that were true, I’d know something about it. I’m convinced that most women favour the darker type, though things may be different throughout the world (Europe here).

I’m a blue-eyed blonde as well (I like to say gray eyes) but I understand where you would get that women prefer a ‘darker’ type. We are taught at a very young age from fairy tales that our Prince Charming will be “tall, dark, and handsome”. To each his own. Again, we cannot categorize and say all women prefer that because they do not. I personally never had a ‘type’. I focused more on ambition, status, morals, etc. The physical was always last. But like you pointed out, geographical location matters there too.