Early 20's, single and frustrated...need advice!

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emeraldocean

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I’m trying to figure outwhat to do and I could use some advice. I am a 23 year old single Catholic female in New England. I went to two fairly conservative religious colleges, one Catholic and one Protestant, so a lot of my friends and people I knew are now married and have babies. One couple is even on their second pregnancy. Meanwhile I am on dating websites and have been for about two years now, which has resulted in a couple of guys who I dated for about a month each, but in the end it didn’t work out. Right now, I cannot seem to get anyone I am actually interested in to talk to me (I have very stringent standards, and I realize this…). I only trust the Catholic dating site I am on as it’s the only one where anybody else views sexuality as only for marriage and agrees strongly with th Church’s teachings. I have a good, though monotonous, job that allows me a lot of mobility as I work from home. However, this means that I don’t get much social interaction via work. I still have a few friends in the area, a good church group, and my best friend about an hour away, so that’s not so much what I am worried about. If I was seeing a lot of solid Catholic men, I would not be so worried, but it seems like there are a lot of guys here who are atheist, lapsed Catholics, or just don’t really care. I want to find a husband who is solid in his faith, but still grounded (as in, he hasn’t gotten prideful about it…I’ve seen this type on the dating sites).
Increasingly, I am feeling that I need to move to a more conservative area in order to have a better chance of meeting someone. I am considering moving to the midwest, as it seems that the guys in that reason are generally more conservative and wholesome. I also think that raising one’s family on a farm gives the kids a great life - I don’t want my kids growing up playing computer and video games and never going outside. I also think it helps them develop a strong work ethic. The guys I meet around here…well, they don’t necessarily feel the same way.
I am basically just afraid to do anything, so I’m still living at home and haven’t moved. I love my family and am very close with my parents. I am afraid of being extremely lonely when I move out. I have thought of moving back to my best friend’s town for a few months to a year to get used to being moved out, but I am worried that I might become clingy if I do, since she’d be the only person I knew there. Also, while I am not old, I’m not getting younger, I long for a large family, and I don’t want to waste time. A lot of people in my generation don’t even think about marriage at this age. But that’s not me. I am grateful to have my job, but my real desire and vocation is to be a wife and mother. I would give so much love to my children and it breaks my heart that I don’t have them, especially as so manyaround me have their first chil;dren…
Any advice? Do you think it would be completely stupid to move out to the midwest, where I know no one? I have found an area out there that seems very Catholic, and well it just seems that things would go better there than they are here. Has anyone else made a big move like this, without knowing anyone in the region where they were going?
Thank you for your advice!! I apologize for any typos, my keyboard is extremely sticky.
 
Yes, I have done it, and so has every person who is from my hometown. There are very few jobs there, so after college the search begins and young college grads spread themselves out all over the country.

I’d say give it a go - you can always move back.
 
I don’t think a geographic move is necessary nor the wisest thing to do. Imagine you move out west and nothing changes, but this time you are far removed from a place your used to. Also, just because there might be a greater number of good catholic guys in a certain area doesn’t necessarily mean that THE guy you are going to end up with is there. For all you know you might get hitched with the diamond in the rough so to speak, meeting a great Catholic guy who himself is in a similar situation or just in an area where faithful catholic men are few and far between.

You mentioned that you wanted to find a husband who is solid in his faith but still grounded, but what exactly does that mean? And just out of curiosity, is pride really a noticeable trait of Catholic men on dating sites? This kind of surprises me but not really, though I myself have never been on such a site.

And, you also mentioned you have stringent standards, and I by no means consider wanting a faithful Catholic stringent, but are you stringent in other facets that limits the number of guys you might be interested in?
 
I’m sorry, sometimes when I write I’m not very clear, haha. I mean that I am looking for someone who adheres to all the teachings of the Church, and that if there’s something they don’t understand, they trust the CHurch, rather than rejecting the Church’s teaching in favor oftheir own interpretation of parts of the Bible. I want to be able to trust their judgement and that they will be able to help the family and I get to heaven.

I wouldn’t say the pride thing is prevalent, but I have seen it where guys use really flowery language and sort of “knowledge drop” about things they know about the Church ina show-offy way…I really don’t like this. That’s what I meant.

I am most attracted to guys who are not “urban”… I’ve been on a datewith one who got his hair cut every week and enjoyed clubbing. He was nice, but we were total opposites. So my standards do include that the guy be somewhat on the more simple (not stupid…just not all urban, worldly, and “smooth”) or “country” side. I know this does limit it a lot, but I also don’t want to force myself to be with someone I am not attracted to just for the sake of a relationship.
 
I was the opposite: I grew up in rural WI, and although I had chatted with a few women on Catholic Match (and even went on a simple date with one), it wasn’t until I broadened my horizons, geographically, that I met someone with whom I really clicked. I ended up relocating to a metropolitan area (St. Louis), and that someone is now my wife! So my advice is that I wouldn’t be so quick to move. It will happen in its own good time.

Best of luck to you!
 
emeraldocean said:
I wouldn’t say the pride thing is prevalent, but I have seen it where guys use really flowery language and sort of “knowledge drop” about things they know about the Church ina show-offy way…I really don’t like this. That’s what I meant.
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That would drive me mad lol
emeraldocean said:
I am most attracted to guys who are not “urban”… I’ve been on a datewith one who got his hair cut every week and enjoyed clubbing. He was nice, but we were total opposites. So my standards do include that the guy be somewhat on the more simple (not stupid…just not all urban, worldly, and “smooth”) or “country” side. I know this does limit it a lot, but I also don’t want to force myself to be with someone I am not attracted to just for the sake of a relationship.
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Though I admit I find your dichotomies confusing, I get where you’re coming from xD. Some people just don’t click, and it’ll probably take finding someone different or someone in your criteria for you the click with that person. But 23 still is young you know, I’m 21 and don’t see the urgency quite yet, at 29 it’d be a different story eek, but in the end, no matter how many guys you meet you’re only going to marry one of them, so, don’t get discouraged if things haven’t gone the way you’ve wanted yet, you never know what tomorrow has in store. But back to your original point, yea if I were in your shoes I wouldn’t move, you might find yourself in a worse situation and feel lost in more ways than one.
 
I met and married a woman from 100 Miles away. My brother met his wife, and their courtship was inter-continental.
If you will use the internet, you don’t need to move first. A willingness to do so can easily broaden your horizons enough to find more suitable matches.
 
For whatever it’s worth, I feel your frustration. I’m a male, at the *end *of my 20s, also in New England. In my walk of life I haven’t met a single Catholic woman; only lapsed Catholics, atheists, etc… I’m not sure what other areas are like, but it sure feels like the faith has been devastated here.

I live on a farm, ironically enough.
 
felmus said:
For whatever it’s worth, I feel your frustration. I’m a male, at the *end *of my 20s, also in New England. In my walk of life I haven’t met a single Catholic woman; only lapsed Catholics, atheists, etc… I’m not sure what other areas are like, but it sure feels like the faith has been devastated here.

I live on a farm, ironically enough.
Click to expand...
How does this “friend request” thing work on here again?😉
 
felmus said:
For whatever it’s worth, I feel your frustration. I’m a male, at the *end *of my 20s, also in New England. In my walk of life I haven’t met a single Catholic woman; only lapsed Catholics, atheists, etc… I’m not sure what other areas are like, but it sure feels like the faith has been devastated here.

I live on a farm, ironically enough.
Click to expand...
well hey lol 👋
 
anruari said:
I met and married a woman from 100 Miles away. My brother met his wife, and their courtship was inter-continental.
If you will use the internet, you don’t need to move first. A willingness to do so can easily broaden your horizons enough to find more suitable matches.
Click to expand...
I hope so…I don’t have a location preferece set on it, since I am open to moving (within the US) but it seems that many do not want to deal with a long distance reationship. Or, they are already talking to/seeing someone, and don’t want to start talking with me.

I am on Catholic Match…is AMS any better in this regard? Are people more opento LDRs?
 
I can relate to a certain extent, from a guy’s perspective.
Finding the one that we really WANT ( as oppsed to one that we will just settle for ) always proves to be a difficult task.

When it comes to meeting a female with the characteristics that I’d like in a lifetime partner, there always is something missing.

I’d love a woman who is gorgeous, Catholic, and single.

Well, here’s the problem – when I meet girls, they’re typically one of these two things:
  1. … Gorgeous and single, but not Catholic.
  2. … Single and Catholic, but not Gorgeous.
God of course loves his children, but for some mysterious reason he is very frugal when it comes to creating an abundance of aesthetically gifted human beings. And the few that ARE tend to seldomly or never be Catholic.

Just because I happen to be Catholic doesn’t mean that I’m not still a guy – and like most guys, I happen to be attracted to beautiful women.

Am I to believe that there is not even one attractive Catholic female out there somewhere?

Every time I meet a beautiful woman, she’s never Catholic.
Every time I meet a Catholic woman, she’s not attractive.

And, IF on the off chance I happen to find a girl who is both attractive and Catholic, it will be very unlikely that she will still be single, because no doubt she will have already been scooped up by a guy already.

The United States is an estimated 85% Christian, but only 33% of the Christians in the United States are Catholic. – This is a much different trend than other Christian-dominant countries; the large majority of Christian countries have NEARLY ALL of their Christian population being of the Catholic denomination.
To my knowledge, the USA is ( probably ) the only country in the world that can say that its Christian population is not mostly Catholic.

If there are 150,000,000 females in the USA, I’m sure there must be at least A FEW of them that are both Catholic and good looking. But finding them is like looking for a needle in a haystack.

So, at this point, after looking for a long time, I think I’m left with 2 choices – Either take a girl who isn’t Catholic, or take a girl who isn’t attractive; One of those choices I’m definitely not going to do, and the other choice I really don’t want to do but I may have to.
It’s very frustrating.

Now, I’m well aware of how these things go – someone will read this, and for self-indulgence purposes will respond with some sort of nonsense to tell me how shallow they think all this is. But before they waste their time doing that, they might want to keep a few things in mind – 1st, my problem afflicts millions of guys and those guys don’t talk about it because of fear of people being judgemental- the difference with me is that I am willing to actually talk about it. So, to judge me for saying these facts means that they would have to judge every man in this world too, and that isn’t fair. 2nd, to have the desire to lash out here against this would mean they are admitting that they are either a guy without choices in partners, or a girl who isn’t attractive, in either case it means it’s simply jealous sour-grapes. You never hear men with choices nor attractive women lashing out about the things that were said above. And 3rd, to lash out here with whatever words they choose will be the same tired, predictable things that we’ve all heard and read before, and it will never change the way people go about choosing their partners, so, they may as well save their sour-grapes.

People with choices tend to use the choices they have – smart people use their brains, good-looking people use their looks, and wealthy people use their money. – and in the mating game, I’ve never seen a good-looking woman take a poor man, nor have I ever seen a successful guy take a woman who’s quite unattractive. …People with choices shouldn’t have to defend their right to use the choices they have just because a few jealous people out there lash out and call them shallow. And of course, when you call out those people for being jealous, naturally they always lie and say they aren’t jealous, even when it’s obvious that they are.

I really don’t know what the solution to your situation is, although I’m sure you’ll get plenty of opinions on the matter. But moving to the middle states is likely not going to help.

You sound like a good person – I hope that you find what you’re looking for.
Take good care!
 
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To the above, I feel your pain…I don’t think there’s anything wrong with wanting to be attracted to the other person.

Does anyone have any experience with Ave Maria Singles? How does it compare to Catholic Match?
 
"To the above, I feel your pain…I don’t think there’s anything wrong with wanting to be attracted to the other person. "

Thank you. 🙂
 
johnsmith2025 said:
"To the above, I feel your pain…I don’t think there’s anything wrong with wanting to be attracted to the other person. "

Thank you. 🙂
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No problem, thank you for your post. I wrote that last reply really fast and should have said thanks!! I feel like I’m looking for a needle in a haystack too. Attraction is very important…I’ve dated someone where we did get along well and had similar life goals, but I just was not attracted to him. It’s better to break off that kind of thing than stick with it since it’s only going to hurt the other person more the more time goes by. I mean attraction *can sometimes develop when it wasn’t initiallythere, but that’s not what happened in this case.

I heard someone compare it to fishing a few weeks ago and they were saying you have o fish in the right pond. Right now, I’m not in the right pond…if I am looking for a Catholic farmer/country/small town type guy, itjust stands to reason that I should go to a region that has a large population of Catholic farming families. Trying to think it through completely, and still hoping that something from CM would work out so I don’t have to move without knowing anyone. (And i wouldn’t cohabitate, for the record, I mean if I met someone I would be open to moving and staying in an apartment near where they were, until we got married if te relationship worked out).
 
Before you move a thousand miles away, consider what may seem a radical suggestion:

Start your own Catholic singles group.

Post in 6-7 bulletins in 6-7 nearby parishes in one weekend, something like, “mass at X parish followed by dinner at XYZ restaurant, call xxx-xxx-xxxx to make a reservation by Tuesday, all single adults between the ages of 21 & 50 (or whatever) are welcome,”

People will come. If you do something like this, once a month for 5-6 months, at a minimum you will meet some people. Will they be “the one?” Who knows? Who cares, initially? They will be people with whom you have something in common.

I did this. I am married to a most wonderful woman I met at one. In fact, she picked me up, rather shamelessly:), because, as Aesop said, “{s}he who is late may gnaw the bones.”

If you do this, sometimes you will get 3 women and 15 men. Sometimes you will get the reverse. Sometimes people will be of different age ranges.

But why not try it? I did, and it worked.
 
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