L
Lilyrose64
Guest
Hello, everyone.
I’ve not posted much but I’ve been lurking.
I’m having a terrible Dark Night of the Soul. My life has been a string of tragedies and I feel exhausted and my faith is flagging.
Going to try to nutshell this as best I can:
I am an adult survivor of child abuse (from my late mother); I loved my mother, and know it was her illness that caused her to do horrific things. I have forgiven my mother and when she did, I asked the Lord to welcome Him into His House, because I love her so much. But the damage done had long-reaching effects. In my twenties, I entered into a “marriage” (which as annulled by the Church) with someone who mistreated me; I had been trying to escape my upbringing, and was trying to build something beautiful. I was pregnant, and did my best to protect my child. My daughter’s father neglected me and treated me as a ward, instead of a wife, and my depression grew—I had gone from the frying pan into the fire. Eventually, he decided he wanted to marry my best friend, so he threw me out of the house. I hadn’t any family at this time—we were estranged, and so I had to scrape myself back to life, with the grace of God.
I dated (chastely) someone wonderful, but he had to leave, because it was what was best for him. He moved away to rebuild his life. I didn’t want to lose my daughter or to be far from her, so I let him go.
Shortly after, I met a nice man who became a friend. I was not very attracted to him, but he was kind, and seemed patient. My daughter was so very young, and I was broke, and alone. I was scraping by. This man said he wanted to help me and to build a family and that he loved me. I married him. There was no real proposal, just a suggestion, and I accepted it. I found out shortly that it was a lie; he has intense sexual problems (we are not sure if he is even straight), and the marriage was celibate and lonely. He also admitted that he was not in love with me, and that he was trying to be “normal” and was tired of being alone. He did not participate in the marriage at all—and I was told by a friend who is a priest that this was not a marriage and I needed to leave. We had no physical relationship, barely any emotional relationship, and I was his mother most of the time…He was prone to panic attacks and secrecy. Eventually he admitted he drained our bank accounts, either on gambling or porn.
I am now 42 years old. All I ever really wanted was to find the right person; I know that marriage doesn’t solve all problems (it can even lead to greater ones), but these were all the wrong men. I realize that I didn’t trust God, and I made these decisions. But I was devoted both times, very devoted, and did everything I could to make it work. I was faithful and dutiful, and alone.
Last fall, I was pursued by a younger man, and I started dating him. In hindsight, I think I dated him because I’d felt so alone, and he made me laugh. This past February, I was abducted and sexually assaulted. The person I was dating made no effort to help me or understand, and he left about a month or so after the assault.
Now I’m wondering if God feels I’ve used up my chances. It’s lonely, very lonely. I have friends, and I have a job I like very much, but I feel hopeless, that I will never know what it’s like to be in a healthy relationship. It’s become a sort of obsession…I feel that God is punishing me, and that I am too old now for any of that sort of thing.
The loneliness is terrible, and I am in a severe depression. I keep praying but I have no idea what I’m praying for, and I feel lost and unlovable. Everyone is paired up—all my friends, and even my elderly father, after my mother’s passing, found a new wife. The only prospects I have are men who are much older, and/or very physically unattractive (and I’m not even that picky…but these are very physically unhealthy and unattractive men in every way, most of them overweight)… and I’m beginning to think that God never intended romantic love for me. I’m going through a sort of grieving right now; I feel bereft, and though I did my best, it was all for nothing.
Please keep me in your prayers. Thank you for listening.
–Lily
I’ve not posted much but I’ve been lurking.
I’m having a terrible Dark Night of the Soul. My life has been a string of tragedies and I feel exhausted and my faith is flagging.
Going to try to nutshell this as best I can:
I am an adult survivor of child abuse (from my late mother); I loved my mother, and know it was her illness that caused her to do horrific things. I have forgiven my mother and when she did, I asked the Lord to welcome Him into His House, because I love her so much. But the damage done had long-reaching effects. In my twenties, I entered into a “marriage” (which as annulled by the Church) with someone who mistreated me; I had been trying to escape my upbringing, and was trying to build something beautiful. I was pregnant, and did my best to protect my child. My daughter’s father neglected me and treated me as a ward, instead of a wife, and my depression grew—I had gone from the frying pan into the fire. Eventually, he decided he wanted to marry my best friend, so he threw me out of the house. I hadn’t any family at this time—we were estranged, and so I had to scrape myself back to life, with the grace of God.
I dated (chastely) someone wonderful, but he had to leave, because it was what was best for him. He moved away to rebuild his life. I didn’t want to lose my daughter or to be far from her, so I let him go.
Shortly after, I met a nice man who became a friend. I was not very attracted to him, but he was kind, and seemed patient. My daughter was so very young, and I was broke, and alone. I was scraping by. This man said he wanted to help me and to build a family and that he loved me. I married him. There was no real proposal, just a suggestion, and I accepted it. I found out shortly that it was a lie; he has intense sexual problems (we are not sure if he is even straight), and the marriage was celibate and lonely. He also admitted that he was not in love with me, and that he was trying to be “normal” and was tired of being alone. He did not participate in the marriage at all—and I was told by a friend who is a priest that this was not a marriage and I needed to leave. We had no physical relationship, barely any emotional relationship, and I was his mother most of the time…He was prone to panic attacks and secrecy. Eventually he admitted he drained our bank accounts, either on gambling or porn.
I am now 42 years old. All I ever really wanted was to find the right person; I know that marriage doesn’t solve all problems (it can even lead to greater ones), but these were all the wrong men. I realize that I didn’t trust God, and I made these decisions. But I was devoted both times, very devoted, and did everything I could to make it work. I was faithful and dutiful, and alone.
Last fall, I was pursued by a younger man, and I started dating him. In hindsight, I think I dated him because I’d felt so alone, and he made me laugh. This past February, I was abducted and sexually assaulted. The person I was dating made no effort to help me or understand, and he left about a month or so after the assault.
Now I’m wondering if God feels I’ve used up my chances. It’s lonely, very lonely. I have friends, and I have a job I like very much, but I feel hopeless, that I will never know what it’s like to be in a healthy relationship. It’s become a sort of obsession…I feel that God is punishing me, and that I am too old now for any of that sort of thing.
The loneliness is terrible, and I am in a severe depression. I keep praying but I have no idea what I’m praying for, and I feel lost and unlovable. Everyone is paired up—all my friends, and even my elderly father, after my mother’s passing, found a new wife. The only prospects I have are men who are much older, and/or very physically unattractive (and I’m not even that picky…but these are very physically unhealthy and unattractive men in every way, most of them overweight)… and I’m beginning to think that God never intended romantic love for me. I’m going through a sort of grieving right now; I feel bereft, and though I did my best, it was all for nothing.
Please keep me in your prayers. Thank you for listening.
–Lily
I don’t even know how i’d react if this happened to me. I wanted to just say though that I don’t see any of this as a “punishment” from God. Romantic love is not a reward and the lack of it is not a punishment. I’ve chosen to never have a relationship or marry, for religious reasons as a vocation, and to me this is my greatest happiness, - even though it’s so looked down on in our society. It doesn’t mean you have the same vocation,and maybe God intends someone for you later on, if your previous marriages have been annulled. But in ANY case, it’s not like a punishment. Maybe this is a time to just come closer to God and to get to know Him better? 
try to come to Him with trust in His great love. These men have not been very good but God’s love is different, and He loves you more than anyone can. He becomes in a way, who we need Him to be. If we need a Father, He becomes like a Father. If we are lonely, our relationship with Him can even be spousal. God bless you