Eating in front of the TV

[k8e308]

I feel like a horrible mom. My toddler - he’s 2 1/2 - throws temper tantrums, hits, screams when he doesn’t get his way and generally makes our house a horrible place to be when he’s not happy.

The only way I know of to deal with this is to ignore the tantrums and respond to him only when he’s calm. Unfortunately, my husband doesn’t agree that this is the way to go and does what he can to calm him down (and also looks at me as if I’m the devil incarnate when I don’t try to help him); “doing what he can” generally involves giving our son what he wants at some point. As you might imagine, that only teaches him that if he throws a tantrum he gets what he wants or gets something equally good.

The latest ongoing battle is dinner. My son consistently does not eat well at the table. In front of the television, however, he eats fine. I have two problems with this: one, meal time is family time, IMO, and should therefore take place in an environment conducive to conversation, even if it is conversation with a toddler that mostly involves laughing about the “Hot Dog Dance” from Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. Second, eating in front of the television is distracting, and while I believe he does okay right now with knowing when he’s full, I also know that can change very easily. My husband, in the interest of seeing him eat, has decided that we should move mealtime to the den; our son eats at a small child table, while we use TV tables while sitting on the couch.

So, am I crazy? Is it really such a horrible thing? If so, what do I do about it, especially in light of my husband’s decision that it’s okay?

 

[28562]

I feel like a horrible mom. My toddler - he’s 2 1/2 - throws temper tantrums, hits, screams when he doesn’t get his way and generally makes our house a horrible place to be when he’s not happy.

Sounds normal.

The only way I know of to deal with this is to ignore the tantrums and respond to him only when he’s calm. Unfortunately, my husband doesn’t agree that this is the way to go and does what he can to calm him down (and also looks at me as if I’m the devil incarnate when I don’t try to help him); “doing what he can” generally involves giving our son what he wants at some point. As you might imagine, that only teaches him that if he throws a tantrum he gets what he wants or gets something equally good.

Yep, that’s exactly what it teaches him.

The latest ongoing battle is dinner. My son consistently does not eat well at the table. In front of the television, however, he eats fine. I have two problems with this: one, meal time is family time, IMO, and should therefore take place in an environment conducive to conversation, even if it is conversation with a toddler that mostly involves laughing about the “Hot Dog Dance” from Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. Second, eating in front of the television is distracting, and while I believe he does okay right now with knowing when he’s full, I also know that can change very easily. My husband, in the interest of seeing him eat, has decided that we should move mealtime to the den; our son eats at a small child table, while we use TV tables while sitting on the couch.

Your son will not starve. He will eat when he is hungry, whether the tv is on or not. In our house, we eat at the kitchen table. No ifs, ands, or buts. And all 3 of our kids (5,3,2) are expected to behave. If they don’t (and the behavior warrants it) they will be made to go to their room. They will not disrupt our dinner, it may be the only time we can all have some calm time together sometimes. When they have calmed down, they come back to the table. If they act up, back to the room they go…Even our just turned two year old understands this.

So, am I crazy? Is it really such a horrible thing? If so, what do I do about it, especially in light of my husband’s decision that it’s okay?

You really need to talk to your husband and get your priorities straight with raising your son. The two of you not being on the same page about this is not good for your son. He has learned just what buttons to push and who he can push how far. Be strict with your son. If he won’t eat at the table, then he just won’t eat tonight. He won’t die. I guarantee you won’t have to do this very many times before he gets the idea that you are in charge, not the other way around.

 

[shainski]

I don’t think it’s a good idea. We have tried very hard to not have our children eat in front of the tv. It’s just too easy to do mindless eating of bad things.

The only television our kids watch is after dinner - when we will watch a movie from the library. Our rule is that they must have eaten a good dinner - no snacks for at least an hour. Then, if there is a snack, we turn off the tv - go up and have a snack - and they can watch a bit more of the movie after they brush their teeth and use the rest room.

On rare occasions, we have had popcorn while watching, but that is unusual.

My wife and i have had lifelong struggles with our weight. That is one thing we do not want our children to inherit. So we have done a lot to encourage good eating habits. So far, it has been one struggle where we have seemed to have done a good job.

But I think that you have to start early. I would talk to your husband privately about your concerns. In our family, if a child did not eat his/her dinner, then his/her left over dinner would be the snack for that child. We have made a game out of eating good things - and we don’t usually push it. With our kids now, we’ve made a connection between eating their vegetables and fruits and how fast, strong, smart or cute they are. All i have to say is something like. "That’s okay, Daddy needs to be faster than you anyway, so i can catch you. Don’t eat that broccoli, I don’t want you to be that fast. Mommy, you watch her while i get a glass of milk, don’t let her sneak a piece of broccoli. Every one of my kids would sneak the carrot/broccoli/brussel sprouts. Even though my older kids now realize it is a game, they still like to do it. And there are other games we play along that line. And then i follow up the next day with questions. “Where did they put that school of yours?” My 3 year old can tell me when we are five blocks away that she can see the school. So I will ask her “Did you sneak extra carrots last night that your eyes are so good?”.

And I think a family dinner without outside interruptions is worth it. We don’t answer the phone during dinner.

Good luck. It’s a lifelong struggle to get it right.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I feel like a horrible mom. My toddler - he’s 2 1/2 - throws temper tantrums, hits, screams when he doesn’t get his way and generally makes our house a horrible place to be when he’s not happy.

The only way I know of to deal with this is to ignore the tantrums and respond to him only when he’s calm. Unfortunately, my husband doesn’t agree that this is the way to go and does what he can to calm him down (and also looks at me as if I’m the devil incarnate when I don’t try to help him); “doing what he can” generally involves giving our son what he wants at some point. As you might imagine, that only teaches him that if he throws a tantrum he gets what he wants or gets something equally good.

The latest ongoing battle is dinner. My son consistently does not eat well at the table. In front of the television, however, he eats fine. I have two problems with this: one, meal time is family time, IMO, and should therefore take place in an environment conducive to conversation, even if it is conversation with a toddler that mostly involves laughing about the “Hot Dog Dance” from Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. Second, eating in front of the television is distracting, and while I believe he does okay right now with knowing when he’s full, I also know that can change very easily. My husband, in the interest of seeing him eat, has decided that we should move mealtime to the den; our son eats at a small child table, while we use TV tables while sitting on the couch.

So, am I crazy? Is it really such a horrible thing? If so, what do I do about it, especially in light of my husband’s decision that it’s okay?

Guess what, it only gets harder from here. If your husband can’t stand his ground with a 2 year old, the 4s and 9s and 12s and 14s are going to be HORRENDOUS! Well, actually, for your hubby, they won’t be, because he’ll basically just give it up and your son will run the house, or you will have to play Bad Cop ALL of the time which is no fun.

Put YOUR foot down on this one, but also you and your husband need to talk about the whole life span of your kids. Is he going to be the mush parent who goes and buys his son condoms instead of spending time with him and talking about how NOT to treat girls like sexual objects? Is he going to be the mush parent who serves alcohol to kids who come to your house so “at least they won’t drink and drive?” I mean, where does it stop?

If you need counseling for the two of you to get these issues out onto the table, do it. Otherwise your kid is going to be a spoiled rotten brat, and have dad wrapped around his finger.

 

[Cat]

IMO, the main problem is not whether your family dinnertime takes place at a table in a kitchen/dining room, or in front of a TV. Either place can be a “family time place.” We used to eat dinner on Friday evenings in front of the TV so that we could all enjoy ABC’s “Family Night”–Family Matters (with Steve Urkel!), Step By Step, and Hangin’ With Mr. Cooper. We definitely shared a lot of conversation (during the commercials), and I don’t think that we overate or ate mindlessly. It was fun and relaxing.

The main problem in your family is that you and your husband are not on the same page. I agree with you about the tantrums–you do not give in, ever, and I go even further and say that you do NOT give any positive reinforcement (e.g., cuddling, snuggling, kissies, sweet-ums, loving words and namies, etc.). You utterly ignore a child who is throwing a tantrum, other than to make sure he doesn’t hurt himself or anyone else (or a pet), and that he doesn’t break anything precious to you. Eventually the child, if he is of normal intelligence and doesn’t have any disabilities, will learn that tantrums get him NOTHING, and he will change his tactics.

Make sure to check out the disabilities. One of my friends had a child who ignored her whenever she talked to him. She found herself screaming at him all the time over the simplest things. Well, then she found out that he had a 65% hearing loss–he couldn’t hear her unless she yelled. She felt so guilty. Once the hearing loss was taken care of (he ended up with tubes), she didn’t need to yell, and they were back on the right track again.

Anyway, the main problem that I see in the OP is that the mom and dad are not on the same page. This is very serious, and it needs to stop, or you will reap misery and eventually heartache. Your child will manipulated both of you to his advantage, and you will both despise each other for allowing yourselves to be controlled by a child. It gets worse when they get older.

So I repeat, this needs to stop. The mom and dad need to find a way to come to a common consensus on child-rearing. I’m not sure of the best way to bring this about. Yes, a good private conversation would help, but apparently they haven’t felt the need to discuss it before they had children–I’m wondering why. It doesn’t matter now, though.

You see, various child-rearing practices come from family backgrounds. It’s possible that the daddy was raised in an overly-strict background and he swore growing up that he would never, ever be “mean” to his children. So he lets them get away with stuff. OR–daddy could have come from an overly-lenient background, and that’s all he knows–to him, it seems normal to let a child have his own way.

It’s really hard, in the course of a few conversations, to assimilate all this information, and then distill it into a unified child-rearing philosophy and strategy.

However, it should probably be done, and the parents should try very hard to work as quickly as possible to make up for all the conversations about child-rearing that they SHOULD have had before they ever had a baby.

Another suggestion is to get hold of the old “Focus on the Family” tape series–it was made in the 1970s by Dr. James Dobson, a clinical psychologist, and his leisure suits are hilarious! But he gives solid advice about discipline and child-rearing. There are about 8 sessions–it’s a commitment to sit and watch them all, but it’s worth it. My husband and I watched them while we were in college before we even got engaged, and we used the information to raise our two daughters, and we testify that it worked.

Even if the parents in the oP decide to pick and choose from Dr. Dobson’s advice, that’s OK, as long as they both agree. THAT’S the critical thing–that they are solidly in agreement in front of their child.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I don’t think it’s a good idea. We have tried very hard to not have our children eat in front of the tv. It’s just too easy to do mindless eating of bad things.

The only television our kids watch is after dinner - when we will watch a movie from the library. Our rule is that they must have eaten a good dinner - no snacks for at least an hour. Then, if there is a snack, we turn off the tv - go up and have a snack - and they can watch a bit more of the movie after they brush their teeth and use the rest room.

On rare occasions, we have had popcorn while watching, but that is unusual.

My wife and i have had lifelong struggles with our weight. That is one thing we do not want our children to inherit. So we have done a lot to encourage good eating habits. So far, it has been one struggle where we have seemed to have done a good job.

But I think that you have to start early. I would talk to your husband privately about your concerns. In our family, if a child did not eat his/her dinner, then his/her left over dinner would be the snack for that child. We have made a game out of eating good things - and we don’t usually push it. With our kids now, we’ve made a connection between eating their vegetables and fruits and how fast, strong, smart or cute they are. All i have to say is something like. "That’s okay, Daddy needs to be faster than you anyway, so i can catch you. Don’t eat that broccoli, I don’t want you to be that fast. Mommy, you watch her while i get a glass of milk, don’t let her sneak a piece of broccoli. Every one of my kids would sneak the carrot/broccoli/brussel sprouts. Even though my older kids now realize it is a game, they still like to do it. And there are other games we play along that line. And then i follow up the next day with questions. “Where did they put that school of yours?” My 3 year old can tell me when we are five blocks away that she can see the school. So I will ask her “Did you sneak extra carrots last night that your eyes are so good?”.

And I think a family dinner without outside interruptions is worth it. We don’t answer the phone during dinner.

Good luck. It’s a lifelong struggle to get it right.

:yup:

I LOVE those games!!! I wish I’d been clever enough to think of those. Absolutely brilliant!

 

[searching04]

I feel like a horrible mom. My toddler - he’s 2 1/2 - throws temper tantrums, hits, screams when he doesn’t get his way and generally makes our house a horrible place to be when he’s not happy.

The only way I know of to deal with this is to ignore the tantrums and respond to him only when he’s calm. Unfortunately, my husband doesn’t agree that this is the way to go and does what he can to calm him down (and also looks at me as if I’m the devil incarnate when I don’t try to help him); “doing what he can” generally involves giving our son what he wants at some point. As you might imagine, that only teaches him that if he throws a tantrum he gets what he wants or gets something equally good.

The latest ongoing battle is dinner. My son consistently does not eat well at the table. In front of the television, however, he eats fine. I have two problems with this: one, meal time is family time, IMO, and should therefore take place in an environment conducive to conversation, even if it is conversation with a toddler that mostly involves laughing about the “Hot Dog Dance” from Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. Second, eating in front of the television is distracting, and while I believe he does okay right now with knowing when he’s full, I also know that can change very easily. My husband, in the interest of seeing him eat, has decided that we should move mealtime to the den; our son eats at a small child table, while we use TV tables while sitting on the couch.

So, am I crazy? Is it really such a horrible thing? If so, what do I do about it, especially in light of my husband’s decision that it’s okay?

Your son is 2 1/2 and old enough to understand he cannot act that way. He does, and will continue to do so, every time you give in to him. You stick him on time out in a corner until he behaves, every time he acts up. When he behaves, as he should, you hug him and tell him you love him. No prizes for behaving. I promise you if you compromise now, it gets much, much worse when they are older, because you will have outright taught them they get what they want when they misbehave. Think a 2 yr old is bad? Try a terribly defiant teenager.

As for hubby, put your foot down as someone said, and stick to your guns, Dinner is family time. If your son doesn’t want to eat, he goes to bed hungry, no ifs, and or buts. If he misbehaves, he goes on time out or to bed early. Compromising on what might seem to be little things means trouble in the future, I promise - been there, done that, except I was the hard case and my wife the easy, comprimising one.

Your son is 2 and you are the parent, not his friend. Makes that parents, plural…

 

[Pfaffenhoffen]

I feel like a horrible mom. My toddler - he’s 2 1/2 - throws temper tantrums, hits, screams when he doesn’t get his way and generally makes our house a horrible place to be when he’s not happy.

The only way I know of to deal with this is to ignore the tantrums and respond to him only when he’s calm. Unfortunately, my husband doesn’t agree that this is the way to go and does what he can to calm him down (and also looks at me as if I’m the devil incarnate when I don’t try to help him); “doing what he can” generally involves giving our son what he wants at some point. As you might imagine, that only teaches him that if he throws a tantrum he gets what he wants or gets something equally good.

The latest ongoing battle is dinner. My son consistently does not eat well at the table. In front of the television, however, he eats fine. I have two problems with this: one, meal time is family time, IMO, and should therefore take place in an environment conducive to conversation, even if it is conversation with a toddler that mostly involves laughing about the “Hot Dog Dance” from Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. Second, eating in front of the television is distracting, and while I believe he does okay right now with knowing when he’s full, I also know that can change very easily. My husband, in the interest of seeing him eat, has decided that we should move mealtime to the den; our son eats at a small child table, while we use TV tables while sitting on the couch.

So, am I crazy? Is it really such a horrible thing? If so, what do I do about it, especially in light of my husband’s decision that it’s okay?

DO NOT DO THAT. Please.
I am an educator with years of experience. You are educating a problematic teenager. If needed, PM to me.
The kid MUST do what you want him to do. If you rightly think that meal time is family time, the kid MUST follow, no matter what.
Look, your kid has a character that it is difficult to deal with. Better, it is easy, very easy to deal, but the problem is with society that does not allow physical punishment. For kids like yours, a strong reprehension on his tantrums is very efficient. Better: he needs it. Better: he likes it. Even better: it calms him down.
Read Kholberg’s stages of moral development anywhere.
Kids like yours need strong external control for they are not able to control themselves. When they shout and cry, it is not because they want something, but because they are in panic. They need a strong embrace and tight external control, no matter what.
I am an educator. And I am a father.
My second child was like yours. The first was very quiet, who calmed down with soothing classic music. The second, the more classic music, the more the shouts!!! It took 4 years of our lives. Looking back and understanding what happened, only now we realized that we failed miserably and that what he needed some tactics that worked but that we did not realize at that time.
And in education, the examples are by the dozens.

 

[shainski]

:yup:

I LOVE those games!!! I wish I’d been clever enough to think of those. Absolutely brilliant!

Thanks!

We don’t do everything right, but we seem to have the kids not only eating foods that are good for them, but enjoying that they are - and understanding that there is a connection between how well they eat and how they feel.

(Sorry, I know that is a run-on sentence, but I can’t think of a better way of saying it)

 

[englishredrose]

a) you and your husband really do need to find a comprimise between you so you are both treating your son the same way.

b) if he eats well when he is in front of the tv then stand firm and continue with family meals. If he doesn’t eat well at first. Let it go. don’t put a lot on his plate so it looks like he eats it all may be and offer seconds when he has done? When he learns he isn’t going to get another meal in front of the tv then he will gradually eat more at the family table. Include your son into the conversation so that he feels part of the family. Talk about what he has done a lot more. He may be feeling excluded in the family meal in some way and feels happier in front of the tv because he is included. For every family meal he sits with you offer a sticker reward and when he has 7 (a weeks worth) he can have a small treat of his choice - not tv though.

 

[1ke]

You and your husband are not on the same page at all, and that is most concerning. Seek counseling if necessary.

I can suggest the following books:

Mary Ann Budnick:
“Raise Happy Children…” series particulary “Teach Them Virtue”

Dr. Ray Guarendi:
Discipline That Lasts a Lifetime; Raising Good Kids Back to Family Basics; Raising Good Kids Back to Family Basics

Greg Popcak:
Parenting With Grace; Speak To Your Children

 

[jojo96]

Check out Dr. Ray!! drray.com/

 

[Cat]

Your son is 2 1/2 and old enough to understand he cannot act that way. He does, and will continue to do so, every time you give in to him. You stick him on time out in a corner until he behaves, every time he acts up. When he behaves, as he should, you hug him and tell him you love him. No prizes for behaving. I promise you if you compromise now, it gets much, much worse when they are older, because you will have outright taught them they get what they want when they misbehave. Think a 2 yr old is bad? Try a terribly defiant teenager.

As for hubby, put your foot down as someone said, and stick to your guns, Dinner is family time. If your son doesn’t want to eat, he goes to bed hungry, no ifs, and or buts. If he misbehaves, he goes on time out or to bed early. Compromising on what might seem to be little things means trouble in the future, I promise - been there, done that, except I was the hard case and my wife the easy, comprimising one.

Your son is 2 and you are the parent, not his friend. Makes that parents, plural…

I generally consider myself a fairly strict parent, and therefore, I agree with much of this post…

…but…

I’m a little hesitant to “stick to my guns” when it comes to a food issue. My husband and I are both overweight, and we both attach way too much importance to food. Both of us eat emotionally, so for us, dinner is more than just sustinence, it’s FAMILY.

And that’s not totally true, is it? It’s kind of true, but not totally true. At any rate, we are both over the top when it comes to attaching food and family and good times and memories, and that kind of thinking has made both of us very fat.

I think we have to be really careful in this day and age not to make a big deal out of eating and food and emotions. I think that this could mess up a child’s thought processes about eating, and tip the child over into a disordered eating style

I would prefer to see “food” approached as a “survival activity.” In order to stay alive, a human being must eat. End of story. Don’t attach a lot of emotion to it. Just let the child eat and don’t try to turn eating into a “family activity.”

But that’s just my take on a subject that is very painful for me–eating. It’s both an extreme pleasure and an extreme displeasure.

According to Dr. Kessler, I am not alone. He estimates that only about 15% of the people in the U.S.A. have no problems with food. According to Dr. Kessler, 85% of Americans struggle with food issues, some severe and life-threatening (e.g., anorexia nervosa), some unhealthy (binge eating, overeating, eating unbalanced), some frustrating (counting every calorie, even TicTacs, experiencing withdrawal over a missed workout, weighing yourself twice a day, not eating enough to stay healthy, etc.), and some just annoying (e.g., not being able to forget about the M and Ms in the office!)

Soooo…I think that the OP and her husband need to decide if “dinnertime” is a hill that they want to die on. Many on this thread would vote, “Yes,” because they don’t have all these issues with food (they’re in the 15%!, lucky souls!)

I would vote, No. Do not attach a lot of “family importance” to food. Just let the child eat and don’t make an issue out of it. Don’t give him any attention, negative or positive, about food.

In fact, when my children were that age, my husband and I fed them separately, at table, but we didn’t eat while they were eating. They took about five minutes to eat something, and then they were ready to get up and start the real business of their life—playing. Food was not very important to them, just a means of making sure their tummies didn’t hurt.

When the kids were finished eating, I would set out the “grown up food” for my husband and me, and we would eat in relative peace while the girls were playing in their bedrooms or down in the family room. It was actually pretty nice.

And interestingly, when the girls saw that mommy and daddy were having a pleasant time just sitting at the table eating our dinners and conversing, they wanted to be part of it. So eventually they joined us, not because we made them join us, but because they WANTED to join us.

So maybe…just a thought, but maybe what the OP and her husband should try is to let the toddler eat his dinner all alone, in front of the TV, in another room (not the dining room or kitchen). Meanwhile, they sit together and enjoy their dinners together in the dining room and kitchen. Hopefully the little one will eventually get lonely and want his parents, but they will say, “No, we want to eat dinner now, not watch television. Most people don’t watch TV while they eat. If you want to sit with us, we would love to have you, but we want to be like most people, and not watch TV while we eat.”

Hopefully, this strategy might just work, and eventually, after eating all by himself for a few weeks, the little one will decide in favor of sitting with parents rather than sitting with Spongebob. And no TV, since “most people don’t watch TV while they eat.”

We never ate much at home while the girls were growing up because we were always at the skating rink. For us, eating dinner meant eating out, or eating take-out at the rink. But we were and still are extremely close as a family. I personally think that this “eating dinner together” business has gotten a little cultish. Yes, if that’s your main family time, you have to preserve it. But there are OTHER WAYS to grow close as a family. Dinner together at a table in an “eating room” is just one way.

Just my opinions, and I hope they provide some thought-provoking information for the OP and others.

 

[SwizzleStick]

…The latest ongoing battle is dinner. My son consistently does not eat well at the table. In front of the television, however, he eats fine. I have two problems with this: one, meal time is family time, IMO, and should therefore take place in an environment conducive to conversation, even if it is conversation with a toddler that mostly involves laughing about the “Hot Dog Dance” from Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. Second, eating in front of the television is distracting, and while I believe he does okay right now with knowing when he’s full, I also know that can change very easily. My husband, in the interest of seeing him eat, has decided that we should move mealtime to the den; our son eats at a small child table, while we use TV tables while sitting on the couch.

So, am I crazy? Is it really such a horrible thing? If so, what do I do about it, especially in light of my husband’s decision that it’s okay?

I don’t think you are crazy. I think you are correct. Dinner should be eaten at the dinner table, though I suppose exceptions can be made on occasion.

In any event, your post immediately made me think of a scene from the old “Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory” movie. I cannot find the video clip to post it, but I did find the script with the scene I have in mind. Yes, I am goofy, but that is what I thought of immediately.

"ARIZONA REPORTER: While the rest of the world goes on
searching, here in the Southwest it has actually happened.
That’s what I said, friends. There’s only one Golden Ticket
left in the entire world because right here in our own
community of Marble Falls, Arizona, is lucky winner number
four. Now, the name soon to be heard around the universe is
Mr. Mike Teevee. Hey, Mike, do you think we might shut that
thing off?

MIKE: No, are you crazy?

MRS. TEEVEE: He won’t answer 'til the station break.

ARIZONA REPORTER: Mike, the country wants to hear from you;
the world is waiting–

MIKE: Can’t you shut up? I’m busy. Boy, what a great show.

MRS. TEEVEE: I serve all his TV dinners right here. He’s
never even been to the table.

REPORTER #2: You love to watch TV, Mike?

MIKE: You bet."…

Source: wonkadotcom.tripod.com/script.html

 

[SwizzleStick]

Here, we go, I found the video clip that came to mind.

Meet Mike Teavee - 1971 Version
youtube.com/watch?v=OlA2hACf6G0

 

[Bezant]

I feel like a horrible mom. My toddler - he’s 2 1/2 - throws temper tantrums, hits, screams when he doesn’t get his way and generally makes our house a horrible place to be when he’s not happy.

The only way I know of to deal with this is to ignore the tantrums and respond to him only when he’s calm. Unfortunately, my husband doesn’t agree that this is the way to go and does what he can to calm him down (and also looks at me as if I’m the devil incarnate when I don’t try to help him); “doing what he can” generally involves giving our son what he wants at some point. As you might imagine, that only teaches him that if he throws a tantrum he gets what he wants or gets something equally good.

The latest ongoing battle is dinner. My son consistently does not eat well at the table. In front of the television, however, he eats fine. I have two problems with this: one, meal time is family time, IMO, and should therefore take place in an environment conducive to conversation, even if it is conversation with a toddler that mostly involves laughing about the “Hot Dog Dance” from Mickey Mouse Clubhouse.

Second, eating in front of the television is distracting, and while I believe he does okay right now with knowing when he’s full, I also know that can change very easily. My husband, in the interest of seeing him eat, has decided that we should move mealtime to the den; our son eats at a small child table, while we use TV tables while sitting on the couch.

So, am I crazy? Is it really such a horrible thing? If so, what do I do about it, especially in light of my husband’s decision that it’s okay?

For one, both you and your husband need to be consistent in the way you discipline your son. Neither of you are showing him who is the child and who are the parents. He may be young, but he’s not too young to know he can exploit mummy for certain things, and daddy for certain things.

Secondly, you’re right–dad’s approach teaches that there’s a reward for tantrums. But your approach teaches your son that mum tolerates tantrums.

Both of you have to show him that screaming, and fighting, and carrying on is improper behaviour. That means chastising him as soon as he starts making noise – whether you must talk hard to him, put him in time out, or use physical discipline as necessary. Whatever you do, nip it in the bud.

 

[kristacecilia]

This is a discipline issues, not a food issue.

Discipline doesn’t need to be harsh, but it needs to be FIRM and CONSISTENT. Welcome to parenthood, OP. It only gets harder from here on out. Make the most of these early years to set down those boundaries and house rules that will lead to good habits and virtues.

No, we don’t give into tantrums. You are exactly right that your DH is placating your son to get him to stop crying and that is only going to lead to bigger problems.

Depending on your child’s maturity (since 2 1/2 year olds can vary SO MUCH) here is some ways you could handle it:

• Child has to have tantrum in arms (we do this with babies) little babies might get offered a comfort object (breast, thumb, favorite animal). We just sit and hold them until they are calm, then we deal with behavior issue.
• Child has to have tantrum in his room, with the door closed. “DS, you need to go lay down on your bed until you are done crying, then we can talk.” Most kids have to be physically removed. Once child is calm, we deal with behavior issues.

Right now your 2 1/2 year old is running your house. I am sure that’s not what you want for your family, so you need to decide with DH on how you are going to handle this and be FIRM and CONSISTENT.

There are three things we never fight our kids on. Food, sleep, and toilet issues. They will win every time. It’s their body. They are the ones in control and it’s fruitless to try and force the issue. We set reasonable boundaries and requests and leave the rest up to them.

Food rules:

• You must taste everything on your plate.
• You may not complain about what is being served. If you continue to complain you will be asked to leave the table.
• If there is an ingredient you don’t care for (onions, etc) you may pick it out WITHOUT COMPLAINING and leave it on the side of your plate.
• After you have tried one bite of every thing, you may ask to be excused, but you will get no more food until the next meal.
• If you want dessert (which we rarely have anyway) you must eat a reasonable amount of food (usually everything on their plate, but we are very careful to give small portions or change that if we feel like they did really eat a reasonable amount).
• You must thank Mommy (or Daddy, or whomever) for making this meal for you before you leave the table, even if you didn’t care for it.

Obviously, these apply differently for different ages. We would expect a 2 1/2 year old to do almost none of these. We would put them in their chair, put their food in front of them, and when they started complaining or misbehaving or seemed done we would clean them up and let them on their merry way to play.

Your son won’t starve. Give him plenty of HEALTHY options for food, don’t let him fill up on snacks between meals, and he’ll eat. Make things like juice, cookies, crackers, granola bars, and other packaged foods into treats (like as often as you would have a candy bar or a can of pop). Offer water, fruit and veggies, protein sources, and healthy carbs. He’ll eat what he needs. All my 22 month old has eaten in the past two days is broccoli.

Family dinners are very important to us, too. Everyone is expected to be there and to help with the table setting and the kitchen clearing. We usually light candles and use cloth napkins (both for economic reasons and because it makes it feel more special). The candle does amazing things for the atmosphere, I am telling you. It calms my kids down right away.

You might enjoy this blog article: Dinner Together: The first phase, when the children are very young.

 

[k8e308]

Good to know that I am not crazy, either with being concerned about allowing meals to be eaten in front of the television or (worse) that my husband and I don’t agree on this or many other forms of discipline.

So, any advice on how to bring this subject up to or discuss this with my husband? When giving such advice, please keep in mind that by all indications he sees nothing wrong with the way he “disciplines” our son, and prior to having a child, we agreed on how to discipline (especially in ignoring temper tantrums). Now that we are in the trenches, so to speak, it seems the pain of the moment eclipses the good of sticking to our plans - nor does he really believe that he has changed the agreed-upon methods or understand that such deviations will have life-long consequences. After all, from what I’ve been able to gather, this is essentially how he was raised (with perhaps a little more intolerance for bad behavior as he grew older), and he turned out “okay”.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Good to know that I am not crazy, either with being concerned about allowing meals to be eaten in front of the television or (worse) that my husband and I don’t agree on this or many other forms of discipline.

So, any advice on how to bring this subject up to or discuss this with my husband? When giving such advice, please keep in mind that by all indications he sees nothing wrong with the way he “disciplines” our son, and prior to having a child, we agreed on how to discipline (especially in ignoring temper tantrums). Now that we are in the trenches, so to speak, it seems the pain of the moment eclipses the good of sticking to our plans - nor does he really believe that he has changed the agreed-upon methods or understand that such deviations will have life-long consequences. After all, from what I’ve been able to gather, this is essentially how he was raised (with perhaps a little more intolerance for bad behavior as he grew older), and he turned out “okay”.

You might discuss that he is handing over a heck of a lot of power and control to a baby (essentially, a baby’s mind in a body that walks and marginally talks). It is not a good thing for a baby to have that much control over what the adults in his life do or don’t do. Children in general should be below their parents in the family power structure (and the parents are both below God, of course). The way he is giving in, your son is going to “perform” with a tantrum every time, since it works.

I can look backward and see a lot of points where I did this, because my younger son got so unpleasant to deal with when he didn’t get his way. One particular quirk was that he never wanted to go anywhere after school, just go home. Sometimes we would have to run an errand on the way home, and he would pitch a royal fit about it. I never capitulated on the spot, but I did tend to rearrange my day so that we didn’t run errands after school. Now, I don’t think a parent should intentionally make things difficult for a kid with problems, but neither should the parent let the kid dictate his/her schedule to any great extent.

You need to just be straight with your husband. Tell him, “Honey, we need to be on the same page, and you have turned the page on what we discussed before children. We need to find a way to deal with these little conniption fits our son has, because pretty soon, he’s going to be throwing them all over the place to get what he wants. Is that what YOU want? What about in public? What about at our parents’ houses? What about when he gets angry and HITS you?” Bring up those kinds of situations that you are likely to see.

I would say, just back off and let him see what happens, but I think that might backfire. Sometimes when very lax parents finally get the worst response out of their kids, and they don’t have any other tools in their toolboxes, they get frustrated and out of anger, spank or hit. I think you really have to work on this problem and fix it soon.

Could he put your son in time out? Put him in his room and let him scream in there?

 

[shainski]

Good to know that I am not crazy, either with being concerned about allowing meals to be eaten in front of the television or (worse) that my husband and I don’t agree on this or many other forms of discipline.

So, any advice on how to bring this subject up to or discuss this with my husband? When giving such advice, please keep in mind that by all indications he sees nothing wrong with the way he “disciplines” our son, and prior to having a child, we agreed on how to discipline (especially in ignoring temper tantrums). Now that we are in the trenches, so to speak, it seems the pain of the moment eclipses the good of sticking to our plans - nor does he really believe that he has changed the agreed-upon methods or understand that such deviations will have life-long consequences. After all, from what I’ve been able to gather, this is essentially how he was raised (with perhaps a little more intolerance for bad behavior as he grew older), and he turned out “okay”.

I don’t know what will work on your husband. I do suggest that you go to the library and get a book called “Touchpoints” by T. Berry Brazelton, M.D. Get the one “Birth to Age 3” Someone suggested that to my wife - and we used it to understand the world from our toddler’s point of view.

To give you an idea of his style (This passage doesn’t specifically deal with your issue), i am looking at the website, touchpointsbook.com/parents.html, i see the following:

When asked for specific positive discipline guidelines, I give parents the following advice.

Respect a child’s stage of development. In particular, be aware of the kinds of learning he is exploring at each stage.

Fit the discipline to the child’s stage of development. For an infant or toddler, try at first to divert him to another activity. If this doesn’t work — and it won’t very often — you may need to remove him bodily. For a child over two, discipline should always include an explanation (but not an excuse) for his reasons for “acting out”; try to figure out what triggered the child’s aggressive behavior and give him a chance to understand it himself.

Discipline must fit the child’s temperament. Make use of what you know about your child’s temperament and sensitivities. A sensitive child