Economy forcing tough changes

[century9000]

Needing some advice from anyone who may have gone through something similar, or at least can understand and help.

My husband and I (newly married) for reasons of the economy do not share a home. Because of the economy though, I may very well have to relocate to where he lives, two counties from my home(two hours away)…If it were just me, this would be a non-issue, but the problem, and this is what I need help with is…My 15 year old son.

Our home is the one he has grown up in, it is the home that his late father and I purchased a year before his birth and now we may have to leave. He has established friends and is closer to his fathers side of the family here. He is a typical teenage boy in every respect but has a tendacy to fall into “bad” crowds. I mention that because the area schools where my husband lives are not the best in terms of safety, gangs are a common sight which is something we know nothing about here in my community.

My fear, is that if we have to move, my son will fight to stay here and refuse to go. He does not have the greatest of relationship with my new husband and I fear he will blame him for this.

My heart aches at the thought of my son not coming with us if we have to move, but it also breaks knowing what he will be leaving. We live in a neighborhood of friends and where my husband lives, you can stand on the porch and shout and not be heard.

Do I force him to come with us, or try and make arraignments for him to stay here?,either way, there will be pain and anger.

 

[kage_ar]

Will he be living with good Catholic role models?

 

[grandiosa]

You should have waited until your son was 18 and out of high school to marry.

You cannot force this on him because of your own desire. Your obligation is to your son first, new marriage second. You had no right to impose any of this on him. You married a man who does not get along with your son? HOW could you do that to your son?

Short answer is to stay where you are and struggle. New husband knew you had a child and obligations to him. Why can’t your husband honor your obligation to your child and move to where you are? Those family connections to your late huband’s family are important for your kid and you know it. You feel like they help prevent a lot of trouble he could get into, I can tell from your post.

If you rip him away from that, and force him to live in a home with a man who does not respect him, his relationship with you, and his need to be connected to his father’s family… YOU WILL DESTROY YOUR SON. And he will see it as you choosing what you WANT over what he NEEDS… because that is what it will be.

And no, you don’t go off and live with new husband while you leave your child behind! You would abandon him for this marriage? You would make him feel like an orphan, because Dad is dead, and Mom chose to leave him? Please, don’t do that to him. He needs to stay where he is, and he needs you to stay with him. Sometimes we have to sacrifice for our kids, and I think this is a sacrifice you are called to make. Once he is 18 and grown up, can go to college or get a job and live on his own… then you’re free. Come on, you can give your son three years. And if your husband can’t respect that… he’s the wrong man for both of you.

 

[GhostMan]

You should have waited until your son was 18 and out of high school to marry.

You cannot force this on him because of your own desire. Your obligation is to your son first, new marriage second. You had no right to impose any of this on him. You married a man who does not get along with your son? HOW could you do that to your son?

What? To me this is 100% wrong. We are to be good parents, role models and teachers for our children, not slaves to their whims. Our marriage must come first, not our children. This is how one would go about raising a selfish, petulant child. Child-centered marriages are doomed when the children leave and the children are often spoiled, unable to start their own lives and miserable.

A child of 15 is eminently capable of adjusting to a new environment. you can make things easier for him by working with him on the move, but for goodness sake, why are you not living with your husband now? Where is your example to him of how a married couple should live?

Move in with your husband and help your son. Don’t orbit your planet around his sun.

 

[kage_ar]

Agree with the above poster. Your son did not decide to have a new dad, you decided to marry this man. Now, to your son, it is going to look like you are choosing between the man you married and your son.

Are you the poster I remember from some time ago? The son was not a Catholic - had been raised and was active in another Christian group, never baptized Catholic.

As long as the teen will live with family who will support him in his faith, I would not force a 15 year old to leave his extened family and home just because his step dad will not move.

 

[grandiosa]

We are to be good parents, role models and teachers for our children, not slaves to their whims.

Respecting the need of a vulnerable teenage boy to be attached to the family of his dead father is being a A SLAVE to a WHIM? She was clear that her son is a “follower” and that his attachment to his dad’s family is a stabilizing influence. I bet he has some good strong male role models there. You think a 15 year old boy doesn’t need those? And they are blood to him, invested in seeing their dead brother or son’s child turn out well. I bet they are more invested and attached to him because he lost his dad. There is no replacement for that! Especially not Mom’s new husband who doesn’t get along with the kid per Mom’s own admisson.

I am not saying she should orbit her planet around his sun. What she should have done was respect her child’s needs and waited. Three years of waiting would not have stopped a marriage that is meant to happen!

Respecting a child’s irreducible needs IS being a good parent. And even 15 year olds have needs that their parents cannot violate without great damage.

 

[stringbeanduck]

Needing some advice from anyone who may have gone through something similar, or at least can understand and help.

My husband and I (newly married) for reasons of the economy do not share a home. Because of the economy though, I may very well have to relocate to where he lives, two counties from my home(two hours away)…If it were just me, this would be a non-issue, but the problem, and this is what I need help with is…My 15 year old son.

Our home is the one he has grown up in, it is the home that his late father and I purchased a year before his birth and now we may have to leave. He has established friends and is closer to his fathers side of the family here. He is a typical teenage boy in every respect but has a tendacy to fall into “bad” crowds. I mention that because the area schools where my husband lives are not the best in terms of safety, gangs are a common sight which is something we know nothing about here in my community.

My fear, is that if we have to move, my son will fight to stay here and refuse to go. He does not have the greatest of relationship with my new husband and I fear he will blame him for this.

My heart aches at the thought of my son not coming with us if we have to move, but it also breaks knowing what he will be leaving. We live in a neighborhood of friends and where my husband lives, you can stand on the porch and shout and not be heard.

Do I force him to come with us, or try and make arraignments for him to stay here?,either way, there will be pain and anger.

How does your son feel about it all? You need to be sure of his feelings on the whole thing before you make a decison.

Anyhow. You also need to be with your husband more even if that means visiting with him for several days whilst your son stays at the extended family. Better yet if he could you both more often. I’ve witnessed first hand that if a hubby and wife don’t see each other; the husband may get bored and look elsewhere. Just be aware of that risk, because it is out there.

 

[Stjudeprayforus]

I moved my 15 year old across the country when he was 15…

He wasnt happy about it at all but… it turned out…I was more worried and nervous than he was.

He met kids the first day of school and it was fine. He looked at it like an adventure.

He missed his friends and I sent him back whenever I could to visit…
It is different now then when we were kids… he got text messages from home, played computer games where his friends from home were on too…

Where we moved had more… uh… liberal views than what we were use to but I raised him right and he stuck to those values.

Your son will be OK…

 

[kresbrook]

It seems that some of the above posters have glossed over the fact that this person may not have a CHOICE about moving or not.

I agree that if you can avoid moving, you should do so at all costs. Three years is not a long time to adults, but can be a lifetime to a 15 year old. It would most likely be a sacrifice for you, but one I think you would be glad you made in the future.

If you HAVE to move, try talking to your son and giving him all the facts. Let him know that this doesn’t have anything to do with his step dad and is purely economic. I’m sure he isn’t clueless enough to not to see what is happening with the economy. If he had to deal with the death of a parent he may be able to take this too. Be sure to let him know that you will do everything you can to make sure he sees his fathters family as often as you possibly can. Then follow through. Also, be up front with him, tell him there are a lot of bad kids at the school he might be going to, and he’s going to have to be strong to deal with it. The biggest thing, start the conversation now. Don’t overburden him, but don’t blindside him either.

You might be surprised and how mature he can be if you expect it from him, and help guide him. Be sure to be sympathetic to what he may have to experience.

That is my humble opinion.

 

[grandiosa]

It seems that some of the above posters have glossed over the fact that this person may not have a CHOICE about moving or not.

One can always choose to do right and not do wrong. No one promised it would be easy.

You really think that if she went to her late husband’s family and said, “Economically, I might have to move away with Sonny, and I worry about the impact of him losing his daily connection with you,” that they would not move Heaven and Earth to help her? They are connected to that boy for a reason! And it’s good for him, as she said. There is always another way.

I repeat, what should have happened was that she told her fiance, “I am not ready to be married to you until my son is raised. You and he do not get along very well, and I cannot obligate him to living with you, as much as I might want to be with you now. You wouldn’t want to have battles in our home, either. If we wait, and I stay with the support of his Dad’s family in getting him raised to manhood, then I can come to you with a free heart and no regrets. You understand, don’t you? You love me enough to honor my obligation to my son, don’t you?”

If the guy refuses to put in the effort to get along with her son, he isn’t ready to be a stepfather. And if the son will not or cannot be civil toward Mom’s intended, all involved should realize that is an impediment to a healthy marriage and home. Those issues should be solved FIRST, before anyone is obligated by sacraments or legal contracts! Don’t put the cart before the horse. And honestly, if your child really hates the person, or feels threatened by them, WHY would you want to force that person on your child, and your child on that person? Is it fun to watch people’s emotional health explode?

 

[whatevergirl]

I’m leaning in agreement with Ghostman. I don’t think it’s healthy to be living in two separate houses, economy or not…seeing that you are now married. Your son, especially if he was close to his dad, will need counseling, and lots of prayer, to grapple with the loss of his dad. It can sometimes take years. I lost both of my parents before I turned 10, and so I speak from personal experience on that.

Your new husband must try his hardest to not make life harder for your son. Not that he needs to roll out the red carpet for him, and walk on eggshells, but he needs to make every effort to be a good role model for him. Your son also needs to realize that the world doesn’t revolve around him. (a saying I often utter to my own 16 yr old son lol) So…what am I trying to say? Where there is a will, there is a way.

I think that in some ways, the economy might be becoming an excuse to stay where you are, so you don’t have to get your son and husband together under one roof, but it is what it is. I think a) it’s unhealthy for you and your new husband to not be living together and b) your son might be better off in different surroundings.

We moved to Florida from PA, back in 07, and my son was 14. He had established friends, social clubs, etc…and he managed to make some new great friends here, and is doing well in school. So, it can be done, if I listened to him however, we would still be in PA. Nothing wrong with PA, but hubby and I wanted to get out of the snow, and my company relocated me…couldn’t beat it!

So…while you want to make your son happy, I understand, especially after his dad’s death…you don’t want more ‘change’ to be heaped on him–understand, that life is about change. Other than God, we can always count on CHANGE! So, I’d discuss this with your son, and help him to see that you are now married, and it’s time for you all to live together.

Just keep communicating with him…he shouldn’t make family decisions, but include him. Nothing wrong with asking for his opinion…This isn’t 1850, where kids should be seen and not heard. I believe in including kids in things, but ultimately, you’re the adult…you make the final decisions.

Prayers going out to you through this.

 

[whatevergirl]

One can always choose to do right and not do wrong. No one promised it would be easy.

I repeat, what should have happened was that she told her fiance, "I am not ready to be married to you until my son is raised. You and he do not get along very well, and I cannot obligate him to living with you, as much as I might want to be with you now. You wouldn’t want to have battles in our home, either. If we wait, and I stay with the support of his Dad’s family in getting him raised to manhood, then I can come to you with a free heart and no regrets. You understand, don’t you? You love me enough to honor my obligation to my son, don’t you?"

If the guy refuses to put in the effort to get along with her son, he isn’t ready to be a stepfather. And if the son will not or cannot be civil toward Mom’s intended, all involved should realize that is an impediment to a healthy marriage and home. Those issues should be solved FIRST, before anyone is obligated by sacraments or legal contracts! Don’t put the cart before the horse. And honestly, if your child really hates the person, or feels threatened by them, WHY would you want to force that person on your child, and your child on that person? Is it fun to watch people’s emotional health explode?

But she IS married, so all of this is wise advice, if she were still engaged, but frankly, it’s a moot point now.

 

[Snerticus]

You should have waited until your son was 18 and out of high school to marry.

You cannot force this on him because of your own desire. Your obligation is to your son first, new marriage second. You had no right to impose any of this on him. You married a man who does not get along with your son? HOW could you do that to your son?

Short answer is to stay where you are and struggle. New husband knew you had a child and obligations to him. Why can’t your husband honor your obligation to your child and move to where you are? Those family connections to your late huband’s family are important for your kid and you know it. You feel like they help prevent a lot of trouble he could get into, I can tell from your post.

If you rip him away from that, and force him to live in a home with a man who does not respect him, his relationship with you, and his need to be connected to his father’s family… YOU WILL DESTROY YOUR SON. And he will see it as you choosing what you WANT over what he NEEDS… because that is what it will be.

And no, you don’t go off and live with new husband while you leave your child behind! You would abandon him for this marriage? You would make him feel like an orphan, because Dad is dead, and Mom chose to leave him? Please, don’t do that to him. He needs to stay where he is, and he needs you to stay with him. Sometimes we have to sacrifice for our kids, and I think this is a sacrifice you are called to make. Once he is 18 and grown up, can go to college or get a job and live on his own… then you’re free. Come on, you can give your son three years. And if your husband can’t respect that… he’s the wrong man for both of you.

 

[GhostMan]

One can always choose to do right and not do wrong. No one promised it would be easy.

You really think that if she went to her late husband’s family and said, “Economically, I might have to move away with Sonny, and I worry about the impact of him losing his daily connection with you,” that they would not move Heaven and Earth to help her? They are connected to that boy for a reason! And it’s good for him, as she said. There is always another way.

I repeat, what should have happened was that she told her fiance, “I am not ready to be married to you until my son is raised. You and he do not get along very well, and I cannot obligate him to living with you, as much as I might want to be with you now. You wouldn’t want to have battles in our home, either. If we wait, and I stay with the support of his Dad’s family in getting him raised to manhood, then I can come to you with a free heart and no regrets. You understand, don’t you? You love me enough to honor my obligation to my son, don’t you?”

If the guy refuses to put in the effort to get along with her son, he isn’t ready to be a stepfather. And if the son will not or cannot be civil toward Mom’s intended, all involved should realize that is an impediment to a healthy marriage and home. Those issues should be solved FIRST, before anyone is obligated by sacraments or legal contracts! Don’t put the cart before the horse. And honestly, if your child really hates the person, or feels threatened by them, WHY would you want to force that person on your child, and your child on that person? Is it fun to watch people’s emotional health explode?

What she should have, or should not have done is water under the bridge. The facts are: she is a married woman; she lives apart from her husband; she needs to move in with him and she has a 15 year old son.

Her son needs to be with her and she needs to be with her husband. Her son’s other problems are incidental to the living arrangements. So, he is a follower, a change of locations may help him “reset” his core group of friends. We know his father is deceased, so a change may help his mental outlook. Regardless, he needs to be with his mother and she needs to be with her husband. The fact that in your opinion she should not have gotten married matters none at all. Zilch; nada; zipp-o.

You have read a lot into the step-father’s attitude and, in my opinion, been quite uncharitable towards him. The mother stated that the son “does not have the greatest relationship with him” (the step-father). Out of that you have emotional abuse and many other hateful things. I’m not sure where you’re pulling them from, except - perhaps - you’re own experiences.

We know you disapprove of this union. We get it. I’m sure the OP will lose sleep for months over that. Perhaps even seek counseling. Right now, however, she asked for help about a practical aspect of a legal marriage. I say she needs to move with her husband and help her son adjust to a change - something countless children have done over the years. He’s not being asked to do something no one else has ever faced, or something that is impossible to imagine a nearly grown young man to undertake.

 

[grandiosa]

Exactly WHAT is so shocking about the idea that a parent should put their child’s needs before their own desires? I am at a loss… Why is waiting three years for what she WANTS to provide for what he NEEDS so beyond the pale? I was engaged for four years… for good reasons… we still got married. The reason I keep pointing out that the marriage should not have happened is to make the point that it might now have to be retroactively put on hold so that the son can get to adulthood with some stability and the uncompromised love and attention of his only remaining parent. And then she can go be married and happy and whatever, but not at the expense of her son’s well-being. Her choices caused him to exist on this planet! That obligation comes FIRST does it not? I don’t understand the attitude of resistance my posts are engendering…

If her son weren’t a follower who needs the stability of the influence provided by his dad’s family so much, and the new stepdad was able to get along with the son… I might have a different answer.

Uh…GMan, I never said the stepdad was an emotional abuser. Where are you getting THAT? I just said the situtation would be unhealthy and destructive…on BOTH sides if you read the posts.

 

[whatevergirl]

grandiosa–I don’t disagree with your sentiments. I think that the OP probably will wonder about all of this, and if she should have waited. But, she’d didn’t. At this point, living apart indefinitely, or for the next three, four years…will probably harm the marriage.

My heart breaks for the son in question, here. He is going to be hurting and trying to make sense of this loss for a long time to come. I remember what it was like to try to get someone to like you, who you’re not related to in any way, just to keep peace. Now, I don’t know if that’s the case here, or if the son is giving the new man a hard time, because he isn’t his dad, and never will be a dad to him, in his eyes…or the new man is not all that nice to the son. Hard to say.

But, looking back at what if’s doesn’t help the OP. She needs practical real advice. So, your suggestion is for her to remain where she is, the couple keeps paying two mortgages or whatever…so the son doesn’t have to move?

I think that they were going to do that, until the economy, thus the title of the thread. I don’t know the perfect answer, but I know that a marriage will not be healthy, if two people live apart for an indefinite period of time.

 

[grandiosa]

Frankly, saving the marriage at the expense of the son would be wrong. I think she herself should be willing to sacrifice the marriage to save her son, if that is necessary. We don’t know if the marriage is sacramental or not… had the priest known all the dynamics, would he have married them? Should he have? The needs of children need to start taking a much larger role in decisions about whether second marriages happen or not. Just because the adults have the power does not make what they do right.

I’m having real trouble getting past the fact that she KNEW her son and fiance did not get along, and went ahead anyway. To me that is massive disrespect of her child. She should not compound it by further forcing them upon one another.

But also, from her own description, this move has many other consequences that could be destructive. Loss of anchoring relationships at a critical time of development, bad schools, gang activity, combined with her son’s follower tendency…

Again, why can’t the husband move? He knew she was obligated to a child. He should accept the limitations that imposes until the son is an adult. And they should all go to lots of family counseling together once they are living together to work out the relationship between the son and the stepdad, and to try to heal the son’s feelings of betrayal over his mother marrying a man who does not get along with him.

 

[Snerticus]

Exactly WHAT is so shocking about the idea that a parent should put their child’s needs before their own desires? I am at a loss… Why is waiting three years for what she WANTS to provide for what he NEEDS so beyond the pale? I was engaged for four years… for good reasons… we still got married. The reason I keep pointing out that the marriage should not have happened is to make the point that it might now have to be retroactively put on hold so that the son can get to adulthood with some stability and the uncompromised love and attention of his only remaining parent. And then she can go be married and happy and whatever, but not at the expense of her son’s well-being. Her choices caused him to exist on this planet! That obligation comes FIRST does it not? I don’t understand the attitude of resistance my posts are engendering…

If her son weren’t a follower who needs the stability of the influence provided by his dad’s family so much, and the new stepdad was able to get along with the son… I might have a different answer.

Uh…GMan, I never said the stepdad was an emotional abuser. Where are you getting THAT? I just said the situtation would be unhealthy and destructive…on BOTH sides if you read the posts.

What is so shocking is that you’re very judgemental about the whole situation, as if you know the OP personally and the entire detailed situation - like you are a close personal friend or something. If you are, then I apologize.

But if you are not, I’m willing to bet that there is a lot the OP hasn’t said, but due to lack of time and space on these forums, she just gave us a synopsis. You can’t possibly know her full situation and the nuances of either her husband’s or child’s situation. You’re giving advice like a bad doctor who will diagnose over the phone, or worse yet (I’m speaking from experience here) have a doctor yell at you when you call one up for advice for an accident that just happened. The doctor I recall scolded me for letting it happen. I never ‘let it happen’, but nonetheless it did, and I learned from it. You’re just like that doctor.

She’s not looking for you to judge her, she’s looking for advise. You could be a bit more charitable about it.

 

[grandiosa]

Because you disagree, I am being judgemental? Guess what, everyone who says what she is doing is perfectly right are judgemental too. They are judging the rightness or wrongness of her actions. Which we are called to do. She asked, I answered. I think what she has already done is wrong, and I think it would be wrong to move her son under these circumstances. If she didn’t want opinions, she shouldn’t have asked. And if you don’t want to read opinions, you should log out.

I think she is disrespecting the very real needs of her child. I based that assessment on her own description of the situation.

Do you believe that there are some things that are always wrong, and some that are always right? Or is everything determined by situation? Personally, I believe the former. And doing damage to your child when it is avoidable is WRONG. Putting things you desire, but could live without, over things your child needs, is WRONG.

 

[whatevergirl]

Frankly, saving the marriage at the expense of the son would be wrong. I think she herself should be willing to sacrifice the marriage to save her son, if that is necessary. We don’t know if the marriage is sacramental or not… had the priest known all the dynamics, would he have married them? Should he have? The needs of children need to start taking a much larger role in decisions about whether second marriages happen or not. Just because the adults have the power does not make what they do right.

I’m having real trouble getting past the fact that she KNEW her son and fiance did not get along, and went ahead anyway. To me that is massive disrespect of her child. She should not compound it by further forcing them upon one another.

But also, from her own description, this move has many other consequences that could be destructive. Loss of anchoring relationships at a critical time of development, bad schools, gang activity, combined with her son’s follower tendency…

Again, why can’t the husband move? He knew she was obligated to a child. He should accept the limitations that imposes until the son is an adult. And they should all go to lots of family counseling together once they are living together to work out the relationship between the son and the stepdad, and to try to heal the son’s feelings of betrayal over his mother marrying a man who does not get along with him.

I absolutely agree that HE should move. Staying apart isn’t an option, and that to me, would be the wisest.

There are many here who have not lost a parent yet and are adults. You don’t know what losing a parent can do, when you’re just a child. I think the least amount of upheaval that this kid can go through, the better. But, I don’t believe in living apart, so I think that the husband in this scenario should do the moving.

To the OP–did you discuss that option with your husband? Not to pry, but why doesn’t your son and he ‘get along’ too well? Can that be helped through counseling?