Economy forcing tough changes

[Snerticus]

Because you disagree, I am being judgemental? Guess what, everyone who says what she is doing is perfectly right are judgemental too. They are judging the rightness or wrongness of her actions. Which we are called to do. She asked, I answered. I think what she has already done is wrong, and I think it would be wrong to move her son under these circumstances. If she didn’t want opinions, she shouldn’t have asked. And if you don’t want to read opinions, you should log out.

I think she is disrespecting the very real needs of her child. I based that assessment on her own description of the situation.

No, but then again you’re being hasty like you were before. I never said I disagreed. You took my words to mean I disagreed. I actually agreed with some of it, just not all of it, and especially not the way you handled your lecture… and you basically *did *lecture her. Read your quote again and the capital lettered words. That was a distinct lecture. You didn’t ask questions to clarify, you just judged her situation. Personally I don’t think her situation is as you claim it to be. But I could be just about as wrong as you are.

Personally, I think the OP (if you’re reading this) should go see your parish priest and get his advice on the situation. It may help, especially if he knows your son. Because all we can do is give advice on what you already wrote, but having a talk with your priest might bring out some solutions you or any of us may not have explored.

What I did find particularly disturbing is that you implied that perhaps this man she married isn’t the right one. And that is definitely not appropriate for a Catholic to say. It’s not appropriate for anyone to say: as what God has joined no man shall pull apart.

 

[grandiosa]

What I did find particularly disturbing is that you implied that perhaps this man she married isn’t the right one. And that is definitely not appropriate for a Catholic to say. It’s not appropriate for anyone to say: as what God has joined no man shall pull apart.

If he does not respect the needs of her son, and the obligations she has to her son, then he IS the wrong man and she should never have married him. People make bad choices in spouses all the time. And even if they were married in a church, if he entered the marriage under false pretenses, as in, not accepting fully her obligations to her child, then it is invalid and they have not been joined by God at all. Yes, I think this is that serious.

 

[Snerticus]

If he does not respect the needs of her son, and the obligations she has to her son, then he IS the wrong man and she should never have married him. People make bad choices in spouses all the time. And even if they were married in a church, if he entered the marriage under false pretenses, as in, not accepting fully her obligations to her child, then it is invalid and they have not been joined by God at all. Yes, I think this is that serious.

Well, since you don’t agree with Catholic doctrine, there is no point in arguing any further. If the OP is reading this - be aware of this.

grandiosa, this is not the church of gradiosa, it’s the Catholic Church. Whether you want to believe it’s invalid that’s your prerogative. But you’d better read up more on Catholic doctrine before you start giving advice as a Catholic to a Catholic.

 

[grandiosa]

Um, since when does saying that entering a marriage under false pretenses (fraud) invalidates the Sacrament violate Church teaching?

 

[Snerticus]

Um, since when does saying that entering a marriage under false pretenses (fraud) invalidates the Sacrament violate Church teaching?

I’m sorry, I don’t see her marriage as a fraud. She just hasn’t given enough info to make that judgement call.

You on the other hand, have given plenty of your own info - your own ‘spin’ - to make it seem like it perhaps could be. But, as it’s not your situation, I don’t see how you could know what’s really going on whithout further questioning.

Are you perhaps her son? Because you sound an awful lot like it.

 

[GhostMan]

Um, since when does saying that entering a marriage under false pretenses (fraud) invalidates the Sacrament violate Church teaching?

More accusations and judging of people’s intentions. I must ask, is there a reason you’re so quickly judging the actions of people you (probably) have never met? What is to be gained from being the voice of anger, resentment, judgment and harsh words? Is that what the OP deserves here? Did she commit fraud, or her husband? Which of the parties is an emotional abuser? I’m so lost in your vicious attacks, I’m getting confused.

Perhaps it is best for you to step back, take a deep breath and remember this isn’t you, it’s someone else.

 

[grandiosa]

Snerticus and GhostMan, did you miss the IF in my post? As in, contingency? If A, then B. If not A, then not B.

I didn’t state anything as fact. I said IF he married her under false pretenses, then he is the wrong man and the marriage is invalid. IF, IF, IF.

GhostMan, you are the one who said I called the stepdad an emotional abuser, which I never did. Then I asked where you are getting that from. So WHERE ARE YOU GETTING THAT FROM?

Snerticus, as I am a married mother in her 30s, I don’t see how I could be this woman’s son.

 

[whatevergirl]

OP, come back…where did you go?

 

[Snerticus]

Snerticus and GhostMan, did you miss the IF in my post? As in, contingency? If A, then B. If not A, then not B.

I didn’t state anything as fact. I said IF he married her under false pretenses, then he is the wrong man and the marriage is invalid. IF, IF, IF.

GhostMan, you are the one who said I called the stepdad an emotional abuser, which I never did. Then I asked where you are getting that from. So WHERE ARE YOU GETTING THAT FROM?

Sorry but this is a losing battle, I’m not going to partake in it anymore. Grandiosa, you have given nothing but a one-sided view of something that may or may not be going on. You seem to think in your own mind that the husband is not worth the OP’s time. I don’t care how many IF’s you used, that’s how your posts come across. You have yet to dispute that, even with all your IF’s. In that respect you seem to enjoy abusing the OP and flinging accusations. No one should attack another’s marriage, even by insinuating it may not be for the best. I don’t care how much information you think you have to judge the situation.

**To the OP - use your own concience wisely in discerning the answers we have given you. I think it is prudent, however, to talk to someone else like your parish priest. **

 

[Snerticus]

OP, come back…where did you go?

I would have been mortified to read some of the things written here. I hope she didn’t get scared off.

 

[whatevergirl]

Yeah, I know. She might be busy.
I hope you come back, century!

I think that grandiosa makes some very astute points though, albeit, the delivery seems a little harsh. I can only imagine, losing my husband…marrying someone else…who doesn’t love my son the way his dad once did (no one can replace your dad)–and then now wondering if I made the right choice…it’s very hard. I don’t claim to know what exactly to do…

Praying for you century…that God gives you the wisdom you need to make the RIGHT choice for YOUR family. God bless.

 

[grandiosa]

Snerticus, telling her that it will all be fine and to go ahead is one-sided too. Have you chastised those posters?

I have not abused anyone. Telling someone that you think something they are doing is wrong is not abusing them. I am trying to prevent her from doing real damage to her son. I am trying to save her from regret. Read her post. She gives many reasons why this move could be bad news for her son. She knows and feels some of what I am saying. If she were perfectly convinced that moving him was the right thing, she wouldn’t be here asking.

This is the same forum where people will get told that they should abstain from sex with their spouses for years at a time if there is a good enough reason. Well, isn’t the well-being and real need of a preexisting child a good enough reason for spouses to possibly abstain from living together for a time, hard as that might be? They could use weekends and holidays to visit each other over the next few years… might even be romantic.

 

[Writer]

Needing some advice from anyone who may have gone through something similar, or at least can understand and help.

My husband and I (newly married) for reasons of the economy do not share a home. Because of the economy though, I may very well have to relocate to where he lives, two counties from my home(two hours away)…If it were just me, this would be a non-issue, but the problem, and this is what I need help with is…My 15 year old son.

Our home is the one he has grown up in, it is the home that his late father and I purchased a year before his birth and now we may have to leave. He has established friends and is closer to his fathers side of the family here. He is a typical teenage boy in every respect but has a tendacy to fall into “bad” crowds. I mention that because the area schools where my husband lives are not the best in terms of safety, gangs are a common sight which is something we know nothing about here in my community.

My fear, is that if we have to move, my son will fight to stay here and refuse to go. He does not have the greatest of relationship with my new husband and I fear he will blame him for this.

My heart aches at the thought of my son not coming with us if we have to move, but it also breaks knowing what he will be leaving. We live in a neighborhood of friends and where my husband lives, you can stand on the porch and shout and not be heard.

Do I force him to come with us, or try and make arraignments for him to stay here?,either way, there will be pain and anger.

I had a remotely similar situation as a kid, and I ended-up staying a year (my senior year in high school) with my grandparents. It worked out very well and probably brought me a little closer. I think you should seriously consider letting him decide between the two options.

 

[stringbeanduck]

I absolutely agree that HE should move. Staying apart isn’t an option, and that to me, would be the wisest.

There are many here who have not lost a parent yet and are adults. You don’t know what losing a parent can do, when you’re just a child. I think the least amount of upheaval that this kid can go through, the better. But, I don’t believe in living apart, so I think that the husband in this scenario should do the moving.

To the OP–did you discuss that option with your husband? Not to pry, but why doesn’t your son and he ‘get along’ too well? Can that be helped through counseling?

Sounds like the best option to me. I wish my dad would stayed down here; instead he’s up north screwing another woman all because of his job. I know the economy is tough, but it’s wrong for families to live apart. The kid likes it where he’s at so the husband should move. Once he’s 18, that’s a different story.