X
Xantippe
Guest
The Edinborough Housewife (formerly Seraphic Singles) has a primer for dating up:
edinburghhousewife.blogspot.com/2015/08/a-dating-manifesto.html#comment-form
Her coffee/1st date/2nd date advice (while not holy writ) is generally sound and won’t get you into trouble. It’s long, but I suggest that anybody who is just getting into dating (or is interested) read the whole thing.
Some quotes:
“Therefore before any consideration of dating, I highly recommend that you choose a trade or profession and get cracking. If you dream of being a stay-at-home mother, find a trade or profession that involves what you like most about homemaking. Pastry chef, for example. Early Childhood Education. Tailor. Carpenter. Gardener. Nurse. Get qualified. Get a job. Show yourself to be economically self-sufficient.”
“If someone asks you out for coffee, and you find him or her a reasonably interesting and pleasant human being, and you are Single, accept. (If you are married, there are many more qualifiers.) A coffee is just a coffee.”
“Women: I firmly believe that any pleasant man who shares your core values deserves two dates before you give up on the idea of ever feeling physically attracted to him.”
“Men: Don’t date girls you don’t think are pretty. Don’t ask them, and don’t accept dates with them. Coffee, yes. A coffee is just a coffee. Network, network.”
“5. Listen and don’t ignore red flags just because he/she is cute. For some reason, men love to tell you at least some of their bad stuff on the first date. If he’s an alcoholic or thinks he may be one, he will very often tell you, or at least hint. Do not ignore this. When men tell you they are bad guys, they are not being modest or funny. They are bad guys. You cannot save them. Save yourself.”
“8. However, just because he/she is a dork on the first date doesn’t mean he/she is actually a dork. First dates often make people nervous, over-eager, and generally an embarrassment to everyone. And therefore, unless this person has revealed (consciously or unconsciously) to you that, although they share your core values, they have serious personality problems, you should go on Date 2. I don’t care if there’s no spark yet.”
“Nota Bene: if you accept the third date only because you are lonely or flattered by the attention or for any other reason than that this person has made your marriage-potential short list, you are now leading him/her on. This is not cool. Break it off as soon as you realize your impure motives.”
“But I’m not really worried about tears and hurt feelings. I’m more worried about Single Girls saying “No” to the right boys too soon and “Yes” to the wrong boys long after a “No” was called for.”
“And don’t send the girl umpteen emails between appointments. Totally unnecessary and bad psychology. Short delays are important.”
I would add the following suggestion to women. If it becomes clear that the first date is a no-hoper (not because of lack of spark, but because of non-negotiable problems), make sure to pay your share. If you think he’s a possible, let him pay for you on a first date, but tell him that you’ll invite him out next time and it will be your treat. And then do it. And then the ball is in his court. This system has the merit that once couples are serious, they do tend to trade off while dating anyway, so you might as well start earlier rather than later. It demonstrates your enthusiasm for him, and the alternate hospitality preserves the distinction between friends going out and a date-date, as well as allowing each to choose a form of hospitality that is affordable for them.
edinburghhousewife.blogspot.com/2015/08/a-dating-manifesto.html#comment-form
Her coffee/1st date/2nd date advice (while not holy writ) is generally sound and won’t get you into trouble. It’s long, but I suggest that anybody who is just getting into dating (or is interested) read the whole thing.
Some quotes:
“Therefore before any consideration of dating, I highly recommend that you choose a trade or profession and get cracking. If you dream of being a stay-at-home mother, find a trade or profession that involves what you like most about homemaking. Pastry chef, for example. Early Childhood Education. Tailor. Carpenter. Gardener. Nurse. Get qualified. Get a job. Show yourself to be economically self-sufficient.”
“If someone asks you out for coffee, and you find him or her a reasonably interesting and pleasant human being, and you are Single, accept. (If you are married, there are many more qualifiers.) A coffee is just a coffee.”
“Women: I firmly believe that any pleasant man who shares your core values deserves two dates before you give up on the idea of ever feeling physically attracted to him.”
“Men: Don’t date girls you don’t think are pretty. Don’t ask them, and don’t accept dates with them. Coffee, yes. A coffee is just a coffee. Network, network.”
“5. Listen and don’t ignore red flags just because he/she is cute. For some reason, men love to tell you at least some of their bad stuff on the first date. If he’s an alcoholic or thinks he may be one, he will very often tell you, or at least hint. Do not ignore this. When men tell you they are bad guys, they are not being modest or funny. They are bad guys. You cannot save them. Save yourself.”
“8. However, just because he/she is a dork on the first date doesn’t mean he/she is actually a dork. First dates often make people nervous, over-eager, and generally an embarrassment to everyone. And therefore, unless this person has revealed (consciously or unconsciously) to you that, although they share your core values, they have serious personality problems, you should go on Date 2. I don’t care if there’s no spark yet.”
“Nota Bene: if you accept the third date only because you are lonely or flattered by the attention or for any other reason than that this person has made your marriage-potential short list, you are now leading him/her on. This is not cool. Break it off as soon as you realize your impure motives.”
“But I’m not really worried about tears and hurt feelings. I’m more worried about Single Girls saying “No” to the right boys too soon and “Yes” to the wrong boys long after a “No” was called for.”
“And don’t send the girl umpteen emails between appointments. Totally unnecessary and bad psychology. Short delays are important.”
I would add the following suggestion to women. If it becomes clear that the first date is a no-hoper (not because of lack of spark, but because of non-negotiable problems), make sure to pay your share. If you think he’s a possible, let him pay for you on a first date, but tell him that you’ll invite him out next time and it will be your treat. And then do it. And then the ball is in his court. This system has the merit that once couples are serious, they do tend to trade off while dating anyway, so you might as well start earlier rather than later. It demonstrates your enthusiasm for him, and the alternate hospitality preserves the distinction between friends going out and a date-date, as well as allowing each to choose a form of hospitality that is affordable for them.
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