Edited: On average, what's normal?

[BlueEyedLady]

One of the best pieces of advice that I ever learned when I was a young woman is that a man should start the love-making process at the very beginning of the day, continue it throughout the day with phone call, loving notes, lunch dates, etc, intensify it when he comes home from work by helping with chores (especially with child care duties), bringing flowers or some other little gift. And then when it is actually time for the sex to start, his wife will probably be a lot more likely to be ready, or at least be willing to try to get ready.

Wow. If you need love notes, lunch dates, and gifts to be willing to get in to sex I really feel for your husband. That attitude is horrible. Sex is not something that women do for men because he’s earned it. It should be something that both partners frequently make a priority because they made that commitment when they got married.

Oh, and one of the best ways to get heated up for the evening is to have one of those oh-so-evil 5 minute quickies in the morning and then spend the day thinking about what is yet to come that night.

 

[Calliso]

Wow. If you need love notes, lunch dates, and gifts to be willing to get in to sex I really feel for your husband. That attitude is horrible. Sex is not something that women do for men because he’s earned it. It should be something that both partners frequently make a priority because they made that commitment when they got married.

Oh, and one of the best ways to get heated up for the evening is to have one of those oh-so-evil 5 minute quickies in the morning and then spend the day thinking about what is yet to come that night.

Yeah I totally agree with you here. I mean a husband should do that stuff for their wife but because they want to. Not to bribe their wives for sex. Really if a wife or husband regularly needs to be bribed so that they might be interested in having sex with their spouse there is definately problems. And it is all about priorities. I mean look at the poster who mentioned that they have 6 kids, yet have time to make to make love every other day. And I have no doubt they have to make sacrifices to do that. But it is all about priorities and making the time. Its not that hard to find time for sex. Its not like every session needs to be a two hour long session complete with candles and music and stuff. Nothing wrong with quickies and so on. And yeah quickies can really get you ready for later when you do have more time.

 

[Sillara]

Yeah I totally agree with you here. I mean a husband should do that stuff for their wife but because they want to. Not to bribe their wives for sex. Really if a wife or husband regularly needs to be bribed so that they might be interested in having sex with their spouse there is definately problems. And it is all about priorities. I mean look at the poster who mentioned that they have 6 kids, yet have time to make to make love every other day. And I have no doubt they have to make sacrifices to do that. But it is all about priorities and making the time. Its not that hard to find time for sex. Its not like every session needs to be a two hour long session complete with candles and music and stuff. Nothing wrong with quickies and so on. And yeah quickies can really get you ready for later when you do have more time.

That poster would be me, and yes, we do make sex a priority. My husbands works two jobs; I homeschool our children; I am an editor for a publishing house (so can work from home); we are novelists as well, co-authoring our books, so that means we need to keep up with our publisher’s schedule. (Book #4 is due out in May.) And yet we have sex usually every other day, more when we can. Because sex is important to us and to our marriage, we do choose to do it.

And my husband does not send me love notes or look after the children when he gets home. (Heavens, my darling works two jobs already! Why would I expect him to do that?) But I know that he loves me. He shows in everything he does. Knowing that he loves me – should not that be enough? It is for me. He tells me that he loves me; I tell him that I love him. And we have renew our marital covenant as often as we can.

As for five minute quickies, though not the same as the two-hour marathons, they do have their own fun place. Now, we don’t show up to work late because of it – but we certainly do find it worthwhile to get up earlier, go to bed later, or even just lock the bedroom door in the middle of the afternoon!

 

[VeritasLuxMea]

I voted 13-16 times and wishing to have more.

13-16? Wow!!!

Is it true that a woman’s sexual interest peaks in her early to mid 30’s as I’ve heard?

Please say yes please say yes please say yes.

Failing that, do you find that stress can get in the way? Doesn’t bother me a wink as a guy, but I heard it does for women. My wife is just finishing grad school, so I’m hoping once that’s over…

 

[Gordon_Sims]

My wife and I have been married 16 years. Not counting postpartum times, over the last 4-5 years we’ve averaged over 20 times per month. To be fair, though, we’ve been working on building our family. That number will likely drop soon as we’re planning on starting NFP. Earlier in our marriage we didn’t have a clear view on the Church’s teaching on contraception (we even had a couple priests tell us it was okay), so we used ABC. I also struggled with porn that entire time. During that time, we averaged anywhere from 1-3 times per week, except for when my wife was pregnant or we were trying to conceive. I find it interesting that after giving up ABC, completely eliminating the porn and becoming stronger in our faith, our frequency and desire increased tremendously. It also became much more satisfying; essentially night and day compared to how things were earlier in our marriage. Oddly enough, we no longer put as much importance on the act itself as we did earlier in our marriage. Our main goal is to just be together and the sex tends to result from that, whereas before, I think we both put more importance on the act as a goal and not only did we do it less often, but we enjoyed it less and there was nowhere near the level of intimacy involved.

 

[VeritasLuxMea]

My wife and I have been married 16 years. Not counting postpartum times, over the last 4-5 years we’ve averaged over 20 times per month. .

First, someone said 14-15. Now 20?!

I need to go to confession right now because the envy is gonna kill me… LOL

 

[28562]

First, someone said 14-15. Now 20?!

I need to go to confession right now because the envy is gonna kill me… LOL

Ditto.

 

[KnitNut]

Is it true that a woman’s sexual interest peaks in her early to mid 30’s as I’ve heard?

Please say yes please say yes please say yes.

Um. Well let’s let you down gently & say “maybe, it varies from person to person”…(for me, it was a big NO - in fact it headed the other direction, ran over a cliff and plummeted to its demise)

 

[Em_in_FL]

Really depends on the month… I could have checked anywhere from 5-16 times… probably averaging right in the middle ~10-12 per month, assuming I’m in a “normal” cycling situation.
We currently use NFP and abstain during my fertile phase.

That’s a perfect amount for us… we’ve been married over 11 years.

 

[anruari]

when my wife and I first got together it was typically a couple of times a week, but could be a couple of times in a day. - but due to medical reasons we had to knock that on it’s head, and very much got “out of the habit” - my wife had surgery that left her sore for a couple of years.

Since then we’ve conceived 2 children, but we’ve never been able to bring our sex lives back to what it might have been if the “honeymoon” period had not been interrupted by health barriers.

now the situation is that we are a lot less adventurous than we used to be. - one cant have the same naked days around the house when you’ve a toddler running around…

We’re also not as physically flexible as we used to be,
We used to engage in “naughty” fantasy foreplay which we cant indulge in any more. - both for physical and family reasons.
To make it harder, I often work 70 hour weeks - after a week like that sex is far from either of our minds.

None of that prevents us from being intimate!!! I learned long before I was married that true intimacy does not require sex. It is emotional. it is physical - but it can be a kiss a brush of the hand, a pinched or caressed bumb, a stare into one anothers eyes. It might be a massage with oils on a sore back or limb.
It is fine in front of the kids - I believe it’s good for the kids to see it. In some ways they can join in (where it’s appropriate)- It’s every day - it’s every chance we get. it makes sex more likely, but it in no way expects or demands that sex should be it’s conclusion.

An important thing to remember is: intimacy is something which is essential for our well-being. Babies who are starved of physical intimacy will become very ill or even die.

Sex is only one type of intimacy. Sex is only essential for the transmission of life - not to sustain it.

At this stage with a 2 year old toddler, and a 3 week old baby, I have to admit that the 2 year old gets many times more cuddles from me than his mother does - and will normally try to join in any hugs I do get to give his mum.

At the moment having sex with my wife could cause her a major injury - she just had a C-Section, and is still suffering many side effects of the pregnancy and surgery. - but she knows I’m happy to wait for her, but it’s good to remind her that I’m waiting for her when she is ready. There’s little so sexy as being wanted - in a non pressured way).

 

[anruari]

Yes. It’s like, "Who am I really having sex with? …

I wish I knew what truly “holy sex” could be like. I’m sure I will never know. All of that was ruined very early in my life. At least I’ve stopped the impurity and am stopping the fantasy life.

You’re post saddens me Juliane.

As you can see from my post above I’m no stranger to indulging in fantasies with my partner during foreplay and sex… but those are shared fantasy games - maybe a bit of role-play. maybe playing with a bit of mild “slap & tickle” or one of us tying up the other. - Please not I am **not **advocating anything “hardcore” or that dissrespects the other person.

I have in the past (on rare occasions) found myself thinking about someone else while I was making love to my wife - that was a shameful experience.

We do share our fantasies, but we are faithful to each-other and that applies to thought and deed.

We spent a couple of years trying to conceive our First Born. Having children was something we prayed for daily.
Both our children were conceived on occasions when our sex was offered in prayer for that intention.
Dont get me wrong - not in some super-pious act of asexual transendentialism totally devoid of emotionally sexual passion- that’s totally unrealistic, but definitely in the form of a heartfelt plea to God in the passion of the moment of “Please God answer our prayer”.

Neither am I suggesting that a couple should expect such an Idea to be normal - unless they are actively trying for a baby.

But to feel you have never experienced “Holy Sex” is a sad state of affairs. Not even on your wedding night? (or as soon after as you found the time and energy — I know for us it wasn’t till we relaxed into ur honeymoon hotel half way round the world).

Yes entertaining fantasies about other people or engaging in “unnatural acts” would be a barrier to enjoying holy sex, but any sex motivated by love for your spouse (as opposed to a lustfull desire to release that pent up sexual energy) can be truly Holy.

Creation as we know it is an expression of the love between the Father and the Son. so making beautiful whoppie with your spouse is a re-statement of Love, expressed in a way which (when between a man and his wife) is beautifull and creative. sometimes that creativeness can take part in Gods Creation, and bring forth New Life - but that is not essential to the holyness of the act.

I find myself needing to simplify.
if you “Make Love” with your Husband without putting barriers in the way physically or emotionally - then that *is *Holy Sex. It builds your marriage, and might help in Gods Creation. in your mutual Love making you thank God, and eachother for the gift of eachother, and for your love for eachother. That thanksgiving might or might not be openly expressed - but at least sometimes it can be .

It is not necessary to piously pray to God directly during the act, but even the most secular media acknowledges how so many people feel driven to exclaim “Oh God!” in the climax of this essentially spiritual act. - even when their exclamation is made profane by the circumstances.

Some people are able to tap into that innate spirituality of the act to sometimes make their love making a conscious prayer. For most of us in the western world we have been brought up with such a strong link made between sexuality and sin that it’s very difficult to allow ourselves to become aware of the deep, wholesome spirituality of the act, and how positive that can be.

I would recommend that , when away from “the bedroom”, that you pray for God to let you understand and experience truly Holy Sex with your Husband.

another reminder: Just as your baptism and Confirmation were not marked by a strong “feeling” of holiness or mysticism, the remain momentous holy events which left indleible marks on your Soul. In the same way “Holy Sex” does not need to feel any different for it to truly be Holy. It just needs to be lovemaking with your Husband during which you are not gravely sinning by committing adultry in your mind, or rejecting Gods plan by the precise nature of your acts or other similar barriers to making the act holy.

 

[Serap]

OMG…some of you guys have sex a lot!!! Since my kids were born…maybe once or twice a month. Both of us are too tired, but we’d do it more often if the kids weren’t around all the time

 

[TheRealJuliane]

No, neither my husband nor myself considered ourselves Catholic when we married. And we both had sexual pasts, mine was I believe much more extensive than his. We also had a sexual past with each other, since we had shacked up before marriage. Sex was sex. Fun, child-free because of contraception, no connection with God whatsoever. This is what living as a heathen gets you. You take God’s gift of your sexuality and ruin it completely. Then, God leads you back to Him, and you realize what you lost, so you cry a lot. You try to go back to the dumpster of your life and pick up little shards of the golden treasure that you once possessed. You find a speck here and there, way at the bottom of the dumpster, but you can never even imagine what that gift would have looked like, had you not ruined it and given it away to those who didn’t care.

I do not believe I am alone in what I have done. Many Catholics have done the same as I did. The difference is that I woke up and realized what I did. And I will regret it for the rest of my life.

 

[VeritasLuxMea]

No, neither my husband nor myself considered ourselves Catholic when we married. And we both had sexual pasts, mine was I believe much more extensive than his. We also had a sexual past with each other, since we had shacked up before marriage. Sex was sex. **Fun, child-free because of contraception, no connection with God whatsoever. This is what living as a heathen gets you. **You take God’s gift of your sexuality and ruin it completely. Then, God leads you back to Him, and you realize what you lost, so you cry a lot. You try to go back to the dumpster of your life and pick up little shards of the golden treasure that you once possessed. You find a speck here and there, way at the bottom of the dumpster, but you can never even imagine what that gift would have looked like, had you not ruined it and given it away to those who didn’t care.

*Fun *sex? Isn’t that an oxymoron like military intelligence or jumbo shrimp?

You know, you should stop posting such things; it makes me want to try living as a Heathen myself.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

*Fun *sex? Isn’t that an oxymoron like military intelligence or jumbo shrimp?

You know, you should stop posting such things; it makes me want to try living as a Heathen myself.

Oh, you’re just teasing me now. Did you read the rest of my post?



I am still confessing sexual sins from my past. Not worth it, not at all.

 

[constantconvert]

*Fun *sex? Isn’t that an oxymoron like military intelligence or jumbo shrimp

LOL
If I were brave, I would use this as my signature

 

[Cat]

Wow. If you need love notes, lunch dates, and gifts to be willing to get in to sex I really feel for your husband. That attitude is horrible. Sex is not something that women do for men because he’s earned it. It should be something that both partners frequently make a priority because they made that commitment when they got married.

Oh, and one of the best ways to get heated up for the evening is to have one of those oh-so-evil 5 minute quickies in the morning and then spend the day thinking about what is yet to come that night.

I see nothing “horrible” about expecting a man to act like a gentleman and continue to “woo” his wife even after they have been married for many years.

No, I don’t NEED love notes, lunch dates, and gifts, and I don’t make my husband earn sex. But I certainly enjoy love notes, lunch dates, and gifts. Don’t you?

And please don’t feel sorry for my husband. I read him the post from the person who said that five minute quickies are great and that sex is easy to schedule, and my husband was appalled. His first comment was, “Obviously a man wrote that.”

Please keep in mind that my husband and I have been married 33 years this June, and we dated (chastely) for 6 years before we got married. Both of our daughters have stated in public that they hope to have a marriage as good as their parents’ marriage.

We have been privileged over the years to know many other couples who have been married for decades until death, and it was from one of these dear older couples (the husband just died last year, RIP) that we received the advice about a husband “stoking the fires” throughout the day. You’re certainly free to reject the advice if you disagree, but it’s my opinion that it is usually a wise idea to pay attention to marriage advice from couples who have been happily married for many decades.

If I implied in my post that marital sex is all about bribes and withholding and rewarding, then I did a bad job of writing.

To me, the idea of making love just because “we made the committment” sounds like a “duty” rather than a joy. Marriage is not a life-time membership in a local lodge, with required “meetings.” And even the most determined couple finds that as the decades pass, the “commitment” seems further and further away, but the kindnesses like notes, lunches, etc. are very helpful to keeping a marriage young and fresh and exciting.

 

[Cat]

Yeah I totally agree with you here. I mean a husband should do that stuff for their wife but because they want to. Not to bribe their wives for sex. Really if a wife or husband regularly needs to be bribed so that they might be interested in having sex with their spouse there is definately problems. And it is all about priorities. I mean look at the poster who mentioned that they have 6 kids, yet have time to make to make love every other day. And I have no doubt they have to make sacrifices to do that. But it is all about priorities and making the time. Its not that hard to find time for sex. Its not like every session needs to be a two hour long session complete with candles and music and stuff. Nothing wrong with quickies and so on. And yeah quickies can really get you ready for later when you do have more time.

Please read my post above.

My husband and I have been happily married for 33 years this June, and dated (chastely) for six years before we got married. I can assure you that there are no “definately problems” in our marriage.

As I said above, if I implied in my post that marital sex is all about bribes, then it was my writing that was bad.

You will discover as you get older and more mature that many women experience a decrease in libido, and there are many and varied reasons for this, and there are remedies for the loss of interest in sex. If you are a woman who is always interested in sex, then you are blessed indeed. But just because other women are not always interested, and find it difficult to make sex a “priority” does not mean “definately problems.”

Quite often, the “problem” is that the wife is simply exhausted physically and/or emotionally from child-care duties and many other responsibilities. An attentive, loving husband can really help out in this case–the little cards, gifts, lunches out, taking charge of the children, etc. are not “bribes” so that he can “earn” a little sex, but rather, these actions are kind acts of love that help a woman to feel pretty, refreshed, and desirable.
True love, after all, is not a feeling, but an action.

 

[Moore11]

I see nothing “horrible” about expecting a man to act like a gentleman and continue to “woo” his wife even after they have been married for many years.

No, I don’t NEED love notes, lunch dates, and gifts, and I don’t make my husband earn sex. But I certainly enjoy love notes, lunch dates, and gifts. Don’t you?

And please don’t feel sorry for my husband. I read him the post from the person who said that five minute quickies are great and that sex is easy to schedule, and my husband was appalled. His first comment was, “Obviously a man wrote that.”

Please keep in mind that my husband and I have been married 33 years this June, and we dated (chastely) for 6 years before we got married. Both of our daughters have stated in public that they hope to have a marriage as good as their parents’ marriage.

We have been privileged over the years to know many other couples who have been married for decades until death, and it was from one of these dear older couples (the husband just died last year, RIP) that we received the advice about a husband “stoking the fires” throughout the day. You’re certainly free to reject the advice if you disagree, but it’s my opinion that it is usually a wise idea to pay attention to marriage advice from couples who have been happily married for many decades.

If I implied in my post that marital sex is all about bribes and withholding and rewarding, then I did a bad job of writing.

To me, the idea of making love just because “we made the committment” sounds like a “duty” rather than a joy. Marriage is not a life-time membership in a local lodge, with required “meetings.” And even the most determined couple finds that as the decades pass, the “commitment” seems further and further away, but the kindnesses like notes, lunches, etc. are very helpful to keeping a marriage young and fresh and exciting.

This is getting a tad defensive. 5 minute quickies are not the “norm” for us but they are fun and I assure you my wife enjoys them and most of the time initiates them. 2 Hour marathons are fun too. It just depends. My point was that it is common for us to have frequent relations and we find creative ways to make that happen. I’m sorry if I came across as crude or abnormal. I probably should have skipped over this thread anyway. But here we are. I understand that some women need to be warmed up and there are definitely times when we make sure that we spend appropriate time (when we have it) But you need to understand that some women dont take as long as others. We arent talking about 0-60 in 4 seconds, we are talking about little hints and teases as we are frantically loading the kids in the car.
here is an example.
Friday night we were at a store and my wife found a purple dress shirt that she wanted me to wear. Knowing that I was going to lose this battle and hating purple I said, If I wear a purple shirt and tie to Mass tomorrow do I get to pick you out something? That was the deal. Later that night my wife had to visit a relative in the hospital after the kids were down. When she came home she laughed because I was dressed to the nines with the shirt. Nough said. normal, fun, healthy.

 

[Calliso]

Please read my post above.

My husband and I have been happily married for 33 years this June, and dated (chastely) for six years before we got married. I can assure you that there are no “definately problems” in our marriage.

As I said above, if I implied in my post that marital sex is all about bribes, then it was my writing that was bad.

You will discover as you get older and more mature that many women experience a decrease in libido, and there are many and varied reasons for this, and there are remedies for the loss of interest in sex. If you are a woman who is always interested in sex, then you are blessed indeed. But just because other women are not always interested, and find it difficult to make sex a “priority” does not mean “definately problems.”

Quite often, the “problem” is that the wife is simply exhausted physically and/or emotionally from child-care duties and many other responsibilities. An attentive, loving husband can really help out in this case–the little cards, gifts, lunches out, taking charge of the children, etc. are not “bribes” so that he can “earn” a little sex, but rather, these actions are kind acts of love that help a woman to feel pretty, refreshed, and desirable.
True love, after all, is not a feeling, but an action.

Ok I did misunderstand you then but your other post did sound a lot like you were suggesting that a husband needs to bribe his wife. Also I was not saying your marriage has problem my post wasn;t directed at anyone in particular I was just saying if someone does actually have to bribe their spouse for sex then there is problems. Also I am not a woman interested all the time in sex though I do have a high drive. Its a good thing since being that me and my husband donlt have sex I would be basically crazy by now. Also I realize that when you donlt have much interest in sex it can be hard to make it a priority. But people were claiming they jsut donlt have time. Then I see a poster who has six kids who does it every other day and I think to myself. Is it that some people just donlt have time…or is the I donlt have time just an excuse?