Effects of Porn

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burrisfam1

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We have a person in our life that we know well and have always trusted. That trust extends to the care of our children (4, 2 & 1). We recently found that this person is viewing porn online on a regular basis. I’m scared to leave my kids with them now. Is this an over reaction on my part or is there actual some substance behind my belief that porn can be a step in the wrong direction and can lead some to act these things out on kids?

My husband feels I’m overreacting. We have plans to celebrate our anniversary this weekend and this person was planning to babysit. I want to cancel, DH does not.

Any links would be appreciated!
 
You should talk to this person ASAP! Let this person know that you trust them to the extent that you would entrust your children in their care. Let them also know your concerns over this behavior. If this person is smart, he/she will stop and hopefully will get help. If not, I say you should find someone else to entrust your kids to. Happy anniversary!
 
While it is a sin and a bad thing, I think it is a stretch to say that the dear frined you trusted with your kids yesterday is a child molestor today because they view porn.

If it makes you feel more comfortable - find a professional sitter through a nanny service.
 
It depends on the type of porn really, most teenage boys view porn and many are attempting to get out of it. I used to view it and it did not make me want to molest children or think in that kind of way ever.

However viewing porn is living in a state of mortal sin, and I’d be more worried about the person.

Eitherways you better confront him/her about it.
 
A good firewall and most porn will not pass… and another thing… just put the computer out of reach… unless they are bringing their own for the TV!:eek:
 
Is this a young man, teenage boy? If so, no, do not let your children stay with him.

My opinion. So…don’t no one flog me about my opinion…
 
I would not let someone who views pornography care for my child. Just as I would not allow someone who shacks up with a lover watch my child in their home. Same thing for someone that indulges in alcohol. All things point to someone headed in the wrong direction, which certainly is not toward Christ. If I would not allow it in my own home, I would not want someone under its influence to care for my child. I have a duty to God to do what is best for my family, and I do not see how pornography or a host of other crutches can be a good thing. ‘You are what you eat’ and ‘Garbage in, garbage out’

Peace be with you,

Kelly
 
This is a very important question. Is the person male or female? If it is a female who is viewing porn, that is unusual sexual behavior for a female. If that is the case, I would encourage you to never permit your children to be in her presence, supervised or not.

If it is a male, that is a more common sexual behavior. While I would encourage you not to permit him to care for your children alone, I would not say that you should cut contact with your children.

In either case, you should tell them why you are making the decision you are. And do not let them whine and say “everyone else is doing it”. Your response to such an argument is that while not all people who view porn become sexual predators, all sexual predators view porn.
 
DJgang said:
Is this a young man, teenage boy? If so, no, do not let your children stay with him.

My opinion. So…don’t no one flog me about my opinion…
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In that case 95% of teenage boys shouldn’t be anywhere near a child :eek:
 
burrisfam1 said:
We have a person in our life that we know well and have always trusted. That trust extends to the care of our children (4, 2 & 1). We recently found that this person is viewing porn online on a regular basis. I’m scared to leave my kids with them now. Is this an over reaction on my part or is there actual some substance behind my belief that porn can be a step in the wrong direction and can lead some to act these things out on kids?

My husband feels I’m overreacting. We have plans to celebrate our anniversary this weekend and this person was planning to babysit. I want to cancel, DH does not.

Any links would be appreciated!
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You are not overreacting. Follow your instinct. I personally would not feel comfortable leaving my children with someone who is a porn fan. There is a very high chance that this person might harm your children some way or another (children go into their room, computer, etc. and discover porn that he has viewed before or he might just do something to them out of stupidity for getting “hypnotized” by porn). It is not guaranteed that this person will harm them in any form, but there sure is a high chance that he might affect your children either directly or indirectly or both.

I would definitely find someone else to babysit or postpone the celebration for another time when I find someone I truly trust to babysit.

Why risk it? 😉 Be cautious.

God Bless! 😃
 
kage_ar said:
If it makes you feel more comfortable - find a professional sitter through a nanny service.
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Because you can be sure that nobody screened by a nanny service views porn …

I don’t think that somebody who views porn is any more likely to harm your kids that somebody who doesn’t. But let me put the following issues out for you to think about:
  1. How did you find out this person is viewing porn online on a “regular basis”? If you went over to the house and saw something inappropriate on the computer screen, then you should worry about whether the person is discreet or whether your kids might be exposed to harmful materials inadvertently.
  2. What kind of porn is it? Naked kids = bad. Victoria’s Secret lingere models = no big deal.
  3. Is there anything about the other person besides the porn that makes you not trust him or her with the child?
Believe me, I know it can be hard to find a sitter that you trust, and it’s really, really, really important to get somebody you can trust.
 
It is rather amazing the wide range of responses. It is also funny because in the last 24 hours I have had all of these thoughts at any given moment.

The person is my father in law. Typically he never babysits alone. I think he did once a year ago. And the info we got was from MIL ‘viewing regularly’ were her words.

We have decided to change our plans and will not be having them babysit. I’ve also told my husband that before we start going over there again it is required that he speak with FIL to let him know that if we ever see a magazine, something pop up on the computer or find a video basically ANYTHING, that will be the LAST time the kids are there. PERIOD.

FIL is not a bad man, he has a problem. 😦 He is very generous, kind, loving and attentive to our kids. Our kids ADORE Papa! But be has been caught lying before. It is just the whole thing about if you can’t trust someone with small things, can you trust them with big things? Probably not and my kids are BIG things.

Thanks to everyone for the advice and for the prayers. We are now just keeping FIL & MIL in our prayers to heal their marriage.
 
burrisfam1 said:
We have decided to change our plans and will not be having them babysit. I’ve also told my husband that before we start going over there again it is required that he speak with FIL to let him know that if we ever see a magazine, something pop up on the computer or find a video basically ANYTHING, that will be the LAST time the kids are there. PERIOD.

.
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I’m not sure this is a good way to approach this. First, anyone who is viewing porn probably doesn’t see a problem with it, and will probably tell you to mind your own business if you confront them with it. That’s what I would have done if someone tried to call me out on it, confrontationally.

Second, I’m not real sure it’s your husband’s, his son’s, job to confront his father about pornography. Especially with demands like that. I’m pretty sure if any of my step kids came to me with demands about my sexual life I’d be offended.

If anything, it is your mil’s job to deal with this. She is his wife, she knows him in this way. If you are comfortable enough to talk to her about it, explain to her that you aren’t happy leaving your kids there with them because of the porn issues. And ask that she speak with him about not exposing the children to that. I’m sure she can do it in a much gentler way than the demanding and confronting that you wrote.

And then you should start working on her to work on him to get him off of this problem. It’s an addiction, and chances are he doesn’t realize it or see it as a problem. Suddenly making demands and telling him to shape up isn’t going to work for this any more than it will work for someone addicted to drugs or alcohol. This issue must be dealt with out of understanding and love, in order to bring a remedy to the problem.

I think the basic issue is that you’re mad that this man could do this and even more angry when you think he’s doing it around your kids. You have to realize it’s not an affront to you, or an attempt to hurt your children. It’s something he’s got a problem with, and probably doesn’t realize he’s hurting others with it. Addressing the issue in the wrong manner will only cause pain and strife.
 
Personally, I don’t think it’s unreasonable for the OP and her husband to ask that their children not be exposed to their grandfather’s “problem”. Think of it this way…if the problem was alcohol abuse, would you feel it unreasonable for the OP and her husband to ask that FIL doesn’t drink around the children or leave his alcohol where they can find it?
 
RenaissanceMare said:
Personally, I don’t think it’s unreasonable for the OP and her husband to ask that their children not be exposed to their grandfather’s “problem”. Think of it this way…if the problem was alcohol abuse, would you feel it unreasonable for the OP and her husband to ask that FIL doesn’t drink around the children or leave his alcohol where they can find it?
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I don’t think it’s unreasonable either. I think it can be handled in a proper manner. Being confrontational and demanding isn’t necessarily the proper manner.

And it’s not alcohol abuse. It is sexuality abuse. There is a difference, and imo the mil is the proper person to bring this up.
 
burrisfam1 said:
We have a person in our life that we know well and have always trusted. That trust extends to the care of our children (4, 2 & 1). We recently found that this person is viewing porn online on a regular basis. I’m scared to leave my kids with them now. Is this an over reaction on my part or is there actual some substance behind my belief that porn can be a step in the wrong direction and can lead some to act these things out on kids?

My husband feels I’m overreacting. We have plans to celebrate our anniversary this weekend and this person was planning to babysit. I want to cancel, DH does not.

Any links would be appreciated!
Click to expand...
I would strongly recommend against leaving your children with this person. Cancel your plans if necessary. I come from a family affected by childhood sexual abuse. Having heard it all in various group sessions you would not believe who some of the abusers were.

Would you leave your kids with someone who you knew had a problem with starting fires?
 
If your MIL is bringing this up to you guys then there is a major problem and she is reaching out to help your FIL. However, I would not recommend that you step in as the others noted it could cause more problems but perhaps offer her tools to discuss his need to break from the evils of porn.

All porn is bad for the human soul and it corrupts our collective humanity. It is deadly to the human relationship to God and to each other as it distorts the beauty of the human person. Your FIL probably does see it as wrong, knows it is hurting his relationship with his wife & God (if he is a man of faith) but has been seduced by it’s illusory promises. He may not even get sexually aroused by it anymore but be unable to stop viewing. He most likely made excuses about it for a long time because his soul knows that it is sin. He may even have made promises to himself or MIL about stopping it, but after awhile finds himself going back to it. Yet, he cannot break this on his own, he will need Christ as his center, and help from various points (i.e. firewall, computer in public space, meetings for those addicted, marital counseling, frequent reception of Sacraments, prayer etc). All good men have their sins, your FIL’s is this. He like the rest of us needs Christ and those around us to help us overcome and perserve.

However, again it is your MIL who must approach him because she obviously recongnizes this is a problem for him and their marriage. Or else she wouldn’t be talking to you about it.

Only approach him if you know that your children have been exposed to the material or may have possibly been (i.e. he was viewing the computer with them in the room but they did not actually see it). Yet, without direct confirmation you are really not able to know.

If you want to pass on information to your MIL, again since she brought it up as a problem she might not know where to turn, these might be an idea:

saa-recovery.org/ :Sex Addiction recovery group

sanon.org/ :for spouses or loved ones affected by a sex addiction

familylifecenter.net/strugglewithporn.asp : this was recommended by Steve Woods from dads.org/ & you can find other information on the dads.org site (both sites are Catholic)

Remember to also pray for him & your MIL. They will need it as they battle this and heal their marriage :gopray2: I will too!
 
burrisfam1 said:
We have a person in our life that we know well and have always trusted. That trust extends to the care of our children (4, 2 & 1). We recently found that this person is viewing porn online on a regular basis. I’m scared to leave my kids with them now. Is this an over reaction on my part or is there actual some substance behind my belief that porn can be a step in the wrong direction and can lead some to act these things out on kids?

My husband feels I’m overreacting. We have plans to celebrate our anniversary this weekend and this person was planning to babysit. I want to cancel, DH does not.

Any links would be appreciated!
Click to expand...
I don’t believe viewing adult pornography leads to sexual abuse of children in most cases. But, there’s always that one…certainly viewing porn indicates morality issues at a minimum.

I still wouldn’t leave my children with this person. I babysat when I was 13-16 yo and the dad of one of the kids had a stash of porn … Penthouse & Playboy magazines… and the kids (elementary age) knew where it was and had looked at it.

I’d be more concerned about your children being exposed to it than sexual abuse, but I wouldn’t rule out deviant sexual behavior either.

Listen to your gut, find another babysitter.
 
1ke said:
I don’t believe viewing adult pornography leads to sexual abuse of children in most cases. But, there’s always that one…certainly viewing porn indicates morality issues at a minimum.

I still wouldn’t leave my children with this person. I babysat when I was 13-16 yo and the dad of one of the kids had a stash of porn … Penthouse & Playboy magazines… and the kids (elementary age) knew where it was and had looked at it.

I’d be more concerned about your children being exposed to it than sexual abuse, but I wouldn’t rule out deviant sexual behavior either.

Listen to your gut, find another babysitter.
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I agree with this post 100%
 
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