Effects of premarital sex

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rowermath

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I am writing a paper for my English class on the causes and effects of premarital sex. As a Catholic, I know the basic reasons why one should not engage in this behavior. However, if you have any knowledge, firsthand or not, in specific cases of reasons that drove someone, or two rather, to do this and the effects it had on them as individuals or as a couple, please let me know. My professor really appreciates real world specifics, not just ‘textbook’ pros and cons. Thanks for your help!

m.a.t.h.
 
This is a great question and I can give you my personal thoughts.

The chief problem is that you end up comparing your wife to those other women with whom you’ve had premarital sex. Your wife may suffer by comparison.

You may start missing one of those women! Or at least wonder about what might have been.

It DOES steal away from genuine intimacy in an obvious way: you’ve given yourself to many, and not just one very special one. Tramps are called tramps because they’re tramped on.

Finally, it just makes sex a biological thing, just a very short-term physical pleasure. A LOT of romance withers and dies away. It becomes just a handshake.

I think one thing worth noting is that while we all TALK a lot, we very rarely make VOWS or OATHS. Vows and oaths are words charged with as-deep-a-meaning-as-possible. Mere talk is just chatter, senseless, good just for a brief moment.
 
Thanks so much for your reply! And thanks for coming to the forums! I won’t use exactly what you said, but it does give me some more ideas! Thanks so much!
 
I’m not sure if you need more, but here it goes. I went away from the Church for a long time. Premarital sex happened quite a bit while I was away. As a matter of fact, that’s how my 3.5 year old came to be. My husband and I had planned on marrying anyway, but it upped the wedding. He was in Iraq, so we didn’t end up getting married until two weeks before our son was born. My husband had also planned on getting out of the military, but now he has a family to worry about, so he re-enlisted. I couldn’t work while I was pregnant, doctor’s orders, and my husband was gone for two weeks by the time I found out (though we weren’t married yet, remember 😉 ). I had no money, no way of supporting myself or the baby. I had to move back in with family. Not exactly an ideal situation, though many have had it way worse. So, one act changed quite a few things. I hope that gave you something to use. Good luck with your paper!

Edited to add - my view on the “cause” is that I was looking for love and acceptance, though I was looking in the wrong places.
 
First, let me state that I agree with the Churches position\views on pre-marital sex. Let me also say, that I am human. A sinner, and vulnerable.

With that said, my wife and I, married 20 years this October 😃 , did in fact engage in pre-marital sex all those years ago. Why? Because we were young. It was fun. It felt good. Period. There was no intention at the time to sin or disrespect our Lord in any way. (He knows I was not exactly close to him at the time).

Either way, if asked would I do it again? Probably. See my first statement on being human. Do I feel it harmed our marriage in any way? No, and I have 20 years of pure bliss and happiness to prove it. 🙂

Am I saying I think it is right? Not at all. Just saying that it was not until recently, as in the past few years, that my views had changed at all regarding the subject. Why they have changed I don’t know yet, but I feel God is leading me on a journey. A faith journey if you will, and it seems the further I get, the more my thoughts and opinions change.
 
You don’t know how the decisions you make now will effect your future spouse, both emotionally and physically.
 
I’ll chip in another coin.

There are people who (thoughtlessly, I think; carelessly) say something to the effect that: “ya gotta check out the merchandise” or something pseudo-psychological like, “you have to make sure you’re sexually compatible.”

This is misleading. Men and women are naturally sexually compatible, unless they begin to develop weird quirks and kinks and become adept at ways of using sex merely for sexual pleasure. THEN you might worry if your whips and chains thing fits with his tie me up deal. 🙂 But if the man and woman aren’t doing premarital sex, this differentiation doesn’t take place, and you’re both at par.

The people who toss out those misleading notion are just trying to justify bad behavior.
 
Engaging in premarital sex can lead to dissociating sex and romantic/marital love. This is more common with men, but it can happen to either sex.

This can lead to serious marital problems and divorce.
 
rowermath:

It disobeys the Lawmaker.
It effects a measured withholding of graces that would otherwise benefit the individual, at the same time a proportional weakening of the will to temptation. The tempter is left with a token, a foot in the door, or a point of argument with the Lord.
These evils are the compounding that results from submitting.

The tempter may intend that the effect of the sin be immediate or timed. He may wish to play this token at a time convenient to his plan. The effects may be misfortune on the children or an illness or any such temporal evil which would not have occured if the initiator of the compounding had made the right decision. In the mean time the days seem filled with promise, the Laws distant and unreasonable.

At judgement we will all have our tapes played backward and we will be made to retrace our steps. I personally feel we will be
more severly judged on the compounding effect on the children.

Andy
 
Hi Rowermath.

Good on ya for seeking answers (even if it is for a paper)🙂

From my experience, and I’m not saying everyone feels this way, I never forgot the first man I slept with and it took me many years to get over a certain longing for him. We were in a relationship and I was very young and ignorant to the Church’s teaching at the time. What I felt, however, was God’s design. I said yes with my body to something meant to unite us where there are vows and commitments attached. There was almost a sense of confusion between my spirit and my brain: wait a minute, where did your spouse go?? Except, he wasn’t my spouse. I committed to him with my actions but not my words.

Overall, it helped me understand the strong connection between intimacy and forever.

I hope that helps.
 
I’m going to voice my opinion and say that sex before marriage takes out a part of the “love” in a relationship. If you plan on marrying your gf or bf and you love them, you will respect yourself, your spouse and God and wait. It’s a gift from God to make two people one flesh, so why not wait? I’m not saying every case is like this, but I know A LOT of people who end up breaking up being sex “complicated” things in the relationship. Personally if you are sexually active, take out the sex in the relationship and see if the love is really there still.

God bless :gopray:
 
Pre-marital sex separates the sex from the marital commitment, therefore becoming something that provides mutual masterbation rather than further cementing of a marital relationship. The opposite gender becomes an object for personal gratification rather than a human with their own dignity to whom you become one for life.
 
It is easy to get caught up in a bit of almost mindless reaction - either for or against what the Church has taught for 2000 years, that premarital sex is forbidden.

But the amazing thing is that if one steps back as an innocent observer to the issue, some very interesting things appear.

Oxytocin in a hormone that is released in several circumstances; one of those is within a woman when she nurses a child; the other is in both parties when they engage in sexual conduct - either intercourse, mutual masturbation or heavy petting that borders on masturbation.

Oxytocin is interesting in what it does - it has two general effects. One is to effectively make for memory loss, or somehting appearing to be very similar; it has the tendency to make one or both parties forgetful of those things about the other party (the baby or the other person) that are irritating.

The second effect is that it has a tendency or effect of emotionally bonding the individuals.

In the case of premarital sex it has the tendency to bond the two, and make them forgetful of the other’s irritating habits. And it does this before the parties have established a life-long committment. The net result is that parties who rush into bed before they have committed to a permanent relationship find that in all too many cases, they really have nothing in common but sex. Sex may be thrilling at first, but when it is not supported by committment, it becomes not much more than a short physical exertion and what ever problems the couple has are not resovled by the sexual encounter. So then, instead of being a deep mutual communication it becomes not much more than two animals rutting. That, in turn leads one or the other to break off the relationship; and all too often we find the couple coming back, somewhat like a dog to its own vomit; seeking sexual physical contact with little or no relationship to sustain them.

it also has a tendency, because we still have some innate sense of morality - particularly on the part of the male - to try to “make things right” - a variation on making an honest woman out of her - and all too often will lead to the altar, based on starting the relationship for the wrong reasons and not getting the air cleared about the place of sexual contact in the marriage; and not getting the air cleared about whatever disputes/differences/problems they may have as a couple. it is not for no reason that the US has such a high divorce rate.

So where am I going with this? God made us the way we are, including oxytocin. It is a wonderful gift when used properly; and when we abuse that gift, by having sex with no committment, we find that gift becomes just the opposite - it borders on a curse. It gets in the way of forming a committment or finding out, without all the drama, that we are not fitted for each other. It gets us back into a use-oriented relationship; sex becomes a weapon of manipulation of the other rather than the suport of the other. Sex becomes an end in itself rather than a means of supporting what we really want - to love and be loved. And love, to paraphrase ST Paul, is not an emotion. It is a choice; a choice to be other directed rather than self(ishly) directed.

There is another issue, one that is not easily acknowledged, but is paraphrased in the old aphorsm - women give sex to get love, and men give love to get sex. Love, in that phrase is not the love St Paul talks about, but is the emotional issue, the emotional “jag” or “hit” if you will. Like it or not we have some innate sense of morality (other than those who are sociopaths). Whether men will admit it or not, they most generally will respect (I didn’t say like - I said respect) a woman who will not sleep with them; and conversely will react to a woman who has sex with them as if she were cheap or easy. Don’t believe me? Listen to locker room talk. Listen to a guy brag that he “got some”. He may keep seeing her, but for why - because he is “getting some”.

Men in general are the aggressor in a sexual situation. The most interesting thing is how often, when they have been the aggressor and had sex, they react towards the woman as if she were somehow less than good, and less than worthy of their respect. It is easy to blow off the rules the Church holds. It is much more interesting to see that the Church is there because of truth; and the truth is that sex outside of marriage doesn’t work. If the Church said nothing at all about sex outside of marriage, oxytocin would still work, and men would still react the way they do.
 
I have a good personal friend of the opposite sex that I would have liked to get physical with and even marry. She told me she could not because she had contracted a s.t.d. ( herpes) in this case from a previous extramarital affair. I still remain friends with her but it pretty much ended the possibility of intimacy with her.
I feel that this is a pretty good reason to refrain from it.
 
Perhaps because I am 71 years old and just celebrated “our” 50 year anniversary of marriage … I feel that I have a prespective not considered about this subject. That is the conscience of “one” before becoming “two”. Full acceptance of “self” before giving or sharing with “another”. I can best explain by sharing my own experience.

Two of my daughters have commented on my “style” … one saying, “Mom, you were lucky!” * The other said, “Mom, you were born in a kinder and gentler time.” *

Because, I love God with my whole heart, mind, soul and body … I very early in life determined to live by a set of principles “I believed” was what made me the “person” I needed to be in order to “forever be free” and never have to “answer” to ANYONE except God and my image in the mirror. I resolved at a very young age … NEVER to bend or abandon my principles under any circumstances - [so when petting got heavy in the dating years … up went the “resolve” and off went the “desire” … I wasn’t less than human or lacking desire … however, by the GRACE of God in controll of that Blessed desire]. I was able to comtemplate a religious vocation because of that controll … which young people cheat themselves from having today. I did consider that vocation … but, was called to the vocation of matrimony, by falling in love.

I knew that I was called to matrimony … because I did not EVEN have to think about questioning not one of “my principles”. The young man who became the object of my affection was Catholic … so stating to him what my principles were did not deter him in the least … he bought into them with much respect …

Now that I have set this up … I can tell you that no other man has ever touched me intimately in my life other than my husband. Also, I was as much a virgin as the day I was born on my wedding day. I was a surgical nurse and the “body beautiful” played a major part in “our” intimacy! I gave birth to four children in seven years … and he was a sea going Sailor! The moments we shared together were “magnificent” because they were “ours” and had never been not would ever be a part of anyone else. That is a specialness that very few persons ever have … because they blow it before it becomes their gift! This is what sustained me through all the hard times and lonely times … this wonderful and amazing union that was ours alone … I relished it to the point that on New Year’s Eve parties … I would kiss my husband early and hide out in the ladies room until after the drunks and other males had stopped all the kissing … so that I didn’t have to kiss any other man. Maybe there are those who think I went to far! Oh, well, look at that special “gift” … by the GRACE of God was given to me … and because of the “principles” I sturbonly refuse to bend … after 50 years … is still mine … and is so “personal” that I can take it with me when I go!!

Respectfully, Pookie,**
 
All Christian religions and for that matter Islamic, Hindu and some Judaic relgions are against pre-marital sex. In Western society ‘hyper-sexualization’ has led to earlier engagement in sex by teenagers. In every hour of TV watched by teens there are 6.7 scenes including sexual topics and about 10 percent of these scenes show sexual intercourse. There have been increases in teen pregnancy in the U.S. with 11 percent of teenage girls between the ages of 15 and 19 becoming pregnant each year.

There are now increased rates of depression amongst sexually active teenagers. About 25% of sexually active girls say they experience depression compared with 8% of girls who are not sexually active. Teenage suicide is on the increase in some developing countries. About 14% of girls who have had intercourse have attempted suicide compared with 5% of sexually inactive girls. About 6% of sexually active boys have tried to commit suicide compared with less than 1% of sexually inactive boys.

During sexual orgasm a hormone called oxytocin is released in both men and women. This is designed to promote attachment between two individuals. As with any drug that is regularly taken, the body needs more of it to receive the same ‘hit.’ It is logical that the more sexual partners that one has had, the more times sex will be needed with each consecutive partner in order to create the same level of attachment as experienced with previous partners.

Statistically, the more sexually involved you are before marriage, the more likely you are to cheat on your partner after marriage. Women who have premarital sex increase their odds of divorce by about 60%. There is also a difference in sexual satisfaction levels with strictly monogamous women experiencing orgasm more than twice as often as promiscuous women. 72% of married people who have ‘traditional values’ have a fulfilling married sex life compared with 59% of married couples who don’t subscribe to ‘traditional values.’
 
I think in some ways it is good. I don’t agree with Captain America when he says you might compare your wife with the other women - the other side to that is you might always be curious what sex would be like with someone else and if you are bored with each other you may be more tempted to stray. So, in that respect it can be beneficial in a way (not saying it is good though).

On the other hand in my experience it is emotionally destructive. I have slept with two preivous partners (was engaged to one of them) and have had a one night stand. None of those relationships worked out and you do not any proper emotional attachment with that person - you just feel used and dirty all the time. For that reason alone I have made the decision not to have sex again until I am married and if I never get married I will never have sex again. I am converting to Catholicism and for the first time in my life I feel God in my life (been a life long Anglican so was Christian anyway). I don’t even approve of it being on telly anymore!
 
rowermath said:
I am writing a paper for my English class on the causes and effects of premarital sex. As a Catholic, I know the basic reasons why one should not engage in this behavior. However, if you have any knowledge, firsthand or not, in specific cases of reasons that drove someone, or two rather, to do this and the effects it had on them as individuals or as a couple, please let me know. My professor really appreciates real world specifics, not just ‘textbook’ pros and cons. Thanks for your help!

m.a.t.h.
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Well in my case it kind of bonded me to my boyfriend more then I wanted to at the time. It led me into a relationship too quickly that I probably if I had some time to have waited and reflected, wouldn’t have stayed with him. I got pregant, and we got married. He wanted to marry me, but not because he loved me. We ended up divorcing.

I also found that when I found God, and started going through periods of purification, it was very hard because I felt part of me was ridding itself of a darkness I contracted due to pre-marital sex. Because pre-marital sex is going against God’s laws. And because when one delves deeper into ways contrary to God, one moves away from God more, there is a chasm in one’s relationship with God and as that chasm widens, do does the risk of sin corrupting one’s soul increase and the effects of that sin attach to the soul, and in my case, I firmly believe that as I moved back closer to God after my divorce and stayed celibate, I went through a phase of ridding myself of darkness and the attachment and influence of sin, and am still going through it, but it has been hard.

Sin risks attracting more sin, and justifying more sins. Thus satan has a firmer hold on us due to our sinful lives, and pre-marital sex is sinful.

In a nutshell, pre-marital sex widens the gap between ourselves and the Lord. And that gap is an entry point for the influence of Satan. We move closer to Satan and his influence and further away from the Lord. It is like putting a condom over our soul so it is blinded; to the light, the truth and the way. It might know God, and it might believe in God, but when one is blinded, they risk veering off onto the wrong course towards salvation, or are unable to see the lighted path properly to get to or know the need for salvation. It dims our drive to seek and find the true spiritual marriage one can achieve and should aim for with the Lord.

Getting married did not necessarily fix this issue, because I didn’t go to Confession until after my divorce, so I was blinded for a very long time.

Another issue is what do we risk passing onto our children? How do we provide an example to them?

And when I was 19 I knew two girls that contracted herpes and condoms only minimise the risk of contracting a sexually transmitted disease. They are not a total defense.

HIV is a classic example of why one probably should be abstinate before marriage. And as a celibate now, I have found it has granted me greater opportunity to know God as I have gone to regular confession and sought that true spiritual marriage. But many young people these days don’t even know of that marriage with the Lord, and do not wait to give their souls time to find out. They go jumping into bed, and that sin blinds them from seeking the Lord more or of the opportunity to really know him because they’ve gone and created a chasm. Quite possibly we could have had more vocations to the religious life if more people had abstained from pre-marital sex and given themselves time and God time to maybe call them to a religious life.

And most young people go on the pill if they are engaging in pre-marital sex and that is another thing that will create a chasm b/w a person and the Lord. Contraception is also a condom to true salvation.
 
kyria said:
I also found that when I found God, and started going through periods of purification, it was very hard because I felt part of me was ridding itself of a darkness I contracted due to pre-marital sex. Because pre-marital sex is going against God’s laws. And because when one delves deeper into ways contrary to God, one moves away from God more, there is a chasm in one’s relationship with God and as that chasm widens, do does the risk of sin corrupting one’s soul increase and the effects of that sin attach to the soul, and in my case, I firmly believe that as I moved back closer to God after my divorce and stayed celibate, I went through a phase of ridding myself of darkness and the attachment and influence of sin, and am still going through it, but it has been hard.

Sin risks attracting more sin, and justifying more sins. Thus satan has a firmer hold on us due to our sinful lives, and pre-marital sex is sinful.

In a nutshell, pre-marital sex widens the gap between ourselves and the Lord. And that gap is an entry point for the influence of Satan. We move closer to Satan and his influence and further away from the Lord. It is like putting a condom over our soul so it is blinded; to the light, the truth and the way. It might know God, and it might believe in God, but when one is blinded, they risk veering off onto the wrong course towards salvation, or are unable to see the lighted path properly to get to or know the need for salvation. It dims our drive to seek and find the true spiritual marriage one can achieve and should aim for with the Lord.
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Very well put. I am going through the same and have deep regrets about it. Hopefully one day I will feel clean again. 🙂
 
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