Elderly Dad, widow, living in sin-- Suddenly! Priest approves. ADVICE NEEDED

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SandraHarrison

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Help! This is going to read like a soap opera. I just can’t believe what is going on in my family.
Mom died in 2013 of cancer. Both parents were/are Catholic converts back in their 20’s, . Dad kept saying how he knew he lived with a saint, and when “you’ve had the best, you can’t find any replacement.” My dad runs a business and a 480 Acre farm. He is QUITE healthy.
Fast forward to now… last June my dad brought a woman into his home, and into his bed, my 6 siblings, and I all practicing Catholics are appalled, revulsed, hurt, and confused.

My dad insists he is helping this woman. Yes, you read right. He “brought her into the Church.” So everything is ok. He insists they only “hold hands” in bed, so that makes his public sandal ok.

About the woman: , married officially 5x. Her 1st husband through #4 still alive. Her husband #5 is deceased. She began attending mass a month before she moved in with my dad. Dad got her to “read” the catechism “several times” and tried to get his pastor to fast-track a baptism, and first sacraments for her. The priest insisted on RCIA; dad found a new priest. She lied and said she was a “widow.” Dad was complicit and did not tell priest they were already living together. Priest baptized, gave first communion, & confirmation in one day on the basis of my dad’s claim he could vouch for her, and her reading of the catechism.

Priest continues to give both dad and live-in communion at mass despite their public scandal.

We kids all fully believe this woman is a gold digger, trying to get set for life for her and her kids. She lost her Nurses license selling oxycodone illegally. She is MY age: 56, and dad is 83. An investigation done, and she has lived at 4 previous addresses with senior men aged 100, 69, 76 etc. She has not owned or lived in her own house since her 5th husband died and was living with her son when she “met” my dad.

We have since written to our bishop, to no avail. He defends this complicit priest because he has a “confessor” relationship with my dad and is being “pastoral”.

We asked what about the public scandal? She is not a caretaker; she is not a housekeeper. He holds hands with her in public and is all kissy-poo in front of people. What about the 10th commandment—

And this is the crux of my question: “Thou shalt NOT covet thy neighbors wife.” This commandment forbids desiring and obtaining comfort from another man’s wife. It matter’s not that she is divorced. She IS until she wants to fix it (which she doesn’t) her status as husband #1’s wife. My dad got this woman into his home and bed, so as to presumably not be lonely anymore, but this is scandal and wrong. He insists he is not breaking moral law. But he IS breaking the 10th commandment, is he not?

I have confronted dad again and again. I have written letters and emails all to no avail as have my siblings. I have sent registered letters to the priest and bishop. Dad feels ok about what he is doing because “Father Jim” tells him he is ok. We have pointed this out to the bishop to no avail.

What is my recourse to the bishop and the priest? Our family destroyed while they stand by and smile at my dad at mass.
 
It sounds like the Priest simply doesn’t care about Church teaching and the Bishop may be reluctant to go over the head of the Parish Priest. Have you talkeed to this woman?
 
SandraHarrison said:
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She lied and said she was a “widow.” Dad was complicit and did not tell priest they were already living together. Priest baptized, gave first communion, & confirmation in one day on the basis of my dad’s claim he could vouch for her, and her reading of the catechism.

Priest continues to give both dad and live-in communion at mass despite their public scandal. …
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The priest does not know but the public does?
 
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The priest does know, NOW. He was apprised of all facts the day after he baptised her. Now its been since June 2017, and he treats them like a couple.

I did confront the woman, she revealed NO care about the church teachings she was breaking, and she spouts stuff at us kids like “we need to let dad make his own decisions and live his own life.”
 
You have all tried your best to communicate your concerns to your father.
You have also tried to seek priestly guidance for him.

As hurt and shocked you all feel,
It is possible that in his own mind your father is innocent, and he may perhaps be honest regarding their private behavior, even though that doesn’t negate the sense of shame and confusion you all feel.
His belief (or self-deception) doesn’t make the situation right or less publicly scandalous
but what remains is for all to pray with love and trust to God for your Dad.

From what you say there is some dishonesty and deception, and sadly, even in advanced years a person can take a wrong path. Your father’s mind or judgement might not be as clear as it was, so his culpability may not be as intense as perhaps even the woman from what you relate of her deception and self-serving, and her coldness toward the religion she professed to desire. Only God can wholly ultimately judge all that.

You all are bereaved in a painful sense, with a bewildering loss of your former perception of your Dad, and a painful fear for his soul.

As little seems left to do, all else having failed, may God strengthen you all in ongoing prayer for your father and though she is far from your favorite person, also for this woman who has claimed your father in his old age. A much younger woman with an elderly man can cause all kinds of difficulties in a family, especially if she knows they stand against her part in your father’s life and in your family.

Lord, we ask Your Angels to intercede for Sandra’s father and her family,
and we ask Your dear Mother to pray for them,
remembering her intercession at the wedding feast of Cana which obtained your miraculous help for a family, even though at first You protested that the time for signs and miracles had not yet come.
 
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SandraHarrison said:
The priest does know, NOW. He was apprised of all facts the day after he baptised her. Now its been since June 2017, and he treats them like a couple.

I did confront the woman, she revealed NO care about the church teachings she was breaking, and she spouts stuff at us kids like “we need to let dad make his own decisions and live his own life.”
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So we do not know the state of the baptised Christian with regard to culpability so we do not know if there is sanctifying grace present or not. For a priest, yes, CIC Canon 915 and 1007 pertain, but the conditions may not be met:

CIC
Can. 915 Those who have been excommunicated or interdicted after the imposition or declaration of the penalty and others obstinately persevering in manifest grave sin are not to be admitted to holy communion.
Can. 1007 The anointing of the sick is not to be conferred upon those who persevere obstinately in manifest grave sin.
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Certainly if a baptism is a farce, no state of sanctifying grace is achieved, although God may still give actual graces to bring about conversion.
 
You are correct in all you say. I have considered he might be “innocent” in his private behavior. That does not excuse his public scandal.

He is, quite rational. His lies and deceptions are crafty, extensive. He wheels and deals constant business decisions. He is NOT senile in any sense of the word however. This woman is very wicked, is NOT catholic in ANY of her actions, and is not only making a fool of my dad, but trying to steal his property. She is getting him to pay her medical bills, etc.
 
Sandra I’m so sad for you and your family that you are cheated of the respect for one’s Dad that is so important to us all. You must be heartbroken.
I agree about the scandal and had added to my post before seeing your latest post.
The property issue I’d also thought of, but skirted mention of it, because that adds another dimension of hurt and betrayal to you and your siblings. When you mentioned that the woman had lived with a number of elderly men, that was made apparent. It’s all like a steel trp none of you can break. May God intervene.
Along with your fear for your Dad’s soul, there are many layers of sadness in what has occurred.

I’ll keep you all in my prayers
 
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Can the baptism ever be a farce? Because it is done by the Holy Trinity not by man. Even if the priest is a great sinner and hidden heretic the baptism applies. Not saying it is the case here, just that God baptizes not the priest’s person.
Sanctifying grace can be lost immediately after it but I doubt the Church teaches about "fake baptism"done by a priest… Or does she? Please help here because I am confused just when I thought I learnt something about baptism.
 
I pray for your family and your dad to overcome this misfortune.
I wonder that convincing the priest to be on your side will change things though. When your dad found opposition from a priest he simply looked for another one less strict. What if you convince this priest and then they change and go to another one?
I think the only person that needs convincing and waking up to reality is your father.
May God wise him up and bring him back to his family and his Church.
 
Mary888 said:
Can the baptism ever be a farce? Because it is done by the Holy Trinity not by man. Even if the priest is a great sinner and hidden heretic the baptism applies. Not saying it is the case here, just that God baptizes not the priest’s person.
Sanctifying grace can be lost immediately after it but I doubt the Church teaches about "fake baptism"done by a priest… Or does she? Please help here because I am confused just when I thought I learnt something about baptism.
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It is called wrong intention and so the baptism administered validly, will not be immediately fruitful.

Fr. Hardon wrote in Modern Catholic Dictionary, Sacramental Dispositions:
Condition of soul required for the valid and/or fruitful reception of the sacraments. The dispositions differ between minister and recipient. In the minister is required merely the faculty of conferring a given sacrament, and the willingness to carry out the intention of Christ or the Church, even just to satisfy another person’s wish or desire. In the recipient who has the use of reason is required merely that no obstacles be placed in the way. Such obstacles are a lack of faith or sanctifying grace or of a right intention.
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More difficult reading, see Catholic Encyclopedia, especially votum:
This is the sense in which it has always been understood by the Church, and the Council of Trent (Sess, IV, cap, vi) teaches that justification can not be obtained, since the promulgation of the Gospel, without the washing of regeneration or the desire thereof (in voto). In the seventh session, it declares (can. v) anathema upon anyone who says that baptism is not necessary for salvation. We have rendered votum by “desire” for want of a better word. The council does not mean by votum a simple desire of receiving baptism or even a resolution to do so. It means by votum an act of perfect charity or contrition, including, at least implicitly, the will to do all things necessary for salvation and thus especially to receive baptism.
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Fanning, W. (1907). Baptism. In The Catholic Encyclopedia. New York: Robert Appleton Company. http://www.newadvent.org/cathen/02258b.htm
 
True Mary. But the complicity and willful neglect of the paternal moral correction owed to my dad by the priest, and the priest by his bishop is something that is a dereliction of spiritual duty in the highest sense.

Neither bishop nor priest is caring for my dad pastorally. This is exacerbating his spiritual problem.

Other than prayer for my dad, which I continually do, I want to know if any canonical recourse there is to hold bishop and priest responsible.
 
That aspect has been bothering me since I last logged in.
We don’t know if the priest has counseled your Dad and met the same brick wall, but ‘being pastoral’ does require some clarification in general.

A priest is primarily a shepherd of souls, is my understanding. That does require hard decisions sometimes. Jesus Himself was sometimes very blunt in His rebukes of sinful behaviour.

The priest’s position is difficult and as you also have contacted the bishop, now we must pray that the priest will have the courage and grace to do whatever is right as a shepherd of souls, If your father and his partner have insisted that they are living as brother and sister, it may make the decision harder. it remains a bad example to anyone in the parish who is aware of the situation, and anyone could decide, “okay, we can live together also though not validly married, and without annulments and can continue receiving the Sacraments because the laws of the Church seem to be no longer relevant.”

The priest is unlikely to discuss whatever private conversations or counsels have been given and from your account of your Dad, you won’t necessarily get the true story, and likely not from the woman. They appear intent on following their path.

We don’t know what is happening in the priest’s mind, and how troubled he feels, and even unsure how to effectively handle your father, but he undoubtedly would welcome prayer for his wisdom and courage in dealing with this relationship and in protecting the souls of all his parishioners.

Another thought though. You all have had to fight for your Dad, and for the integrity of our faith, you had to try.
It’s playing into the woman’s hands if the perception of her intentions is correct, though. It’s separating you all from your Dad. You had to anyway, but all this just adds to the sadness of the whole situation.

May our heavenly Mother pray for you all, and for the priest and your Bishop, that in the end, God’s true will, and His powerful love, will prevail.
 
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SandraHarrison said:
This woman is very wicked, is NOT catholic in ANY of her actions, and is not only making a fool of my dad, but trying to steal his property. She is getting him to pay her medical bills, etc.
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Your state or county should have an agency that deals with elder abuse. They may not be able to do anything, if he convinces them he’s competent, but at least a report would be on the record, and might prove useful in the future. That’s one thing I would do.

Also (and I’m NOT criticizing you, by any means), sometimes repeatedly confronting someone, as you’ve done with your dad, just makes them dig in their heels. You don’t want to lose access to him, because you need to be aware of his financial situation. And she may use your criticism of her and their situation to try to cut him off from the rest of his family (“I’m the only one who really loves you.” “They only care about your money.” etc.)
I’d suggest you and your siblings get together and make a plan to try to prevent that from happening. Maybe a “kill them with kindness” approach. I know you’d have to swallow a lot, but it’s better than having him cut off from you.
 
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It seems like there are two issues here. The first is that you are scandalized by what your father is doing. You have addressed it with your dad, the priest, and the bishop. I think you have done what you felt is necessary, but at what point do you allow your father to live his own life and make his own choices? You do not know what communications your father and the woman have had with the priest, you do not know for certain whether one or both has been to confession, or what their specific sins are, and it is ultimately not your place to decide whether either one is worthy. Perhaps the reason you are not getting the response you hope for from the priest or bishop is because they don’t feel it is appropriate for you to be evaluating the state of your father’s soul.

The next concern is that you fear that this woman is trying to steal from your father. I think this is legitimate, especially if this woman has a history of living with older men. You did not mention what ultimately happened in these situations- did the men die and leave her money? Why did she leave? She may very well be trying to take advantage of your father, and I think you have a much better chance of persuading him of this if you stick to the facts instead of writing to the bishop about him. Also, you mentioned that he is very rational and a liar, but also that she is manipulating him. Which is it? If he is rational, and choosing to spend his money on her, that is his business. If you think he is not capable of making rational decisions, and that this woman is manipulating him into giving her his money, that would be something worth pursuing.
 
According to Fr. Hardon then, if I understand correctly, when he says ““Such obstacles are a lack of faith or sanctifying grace or of a right intention.”” does this imply that sanctifying grace can be a state achieved without baptism since is a condition required from the one about to receive baptism before baptism?
According to the second quote I think that if this woman desired to receive baptism then her baptism is valid even if she did not understood the need for salvation or what salvation is. So it seems to me that it is valid baptism from here. She was not taken to baptism against her expressed will.
 
She was Baptized? Then her past sins are forgiven.
Have an elder care agency look into whether or not he is being abused.
 
Not to answer, but, would you have the same concern if your father were penniless?

People can and do live as brother and sister until they can regularize their marriage. Honestly, that is a pastoral matter, just as your Bishop said. The process for investigating multiple prior marriages can take some time.

Pray for them, be loving and kind. Don’t let anger and resentment color the rest of the time you have with your dad.
 
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