Elderly "living together"

  • Thread starter Thread starter Domer75
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
D

Domer75

Guest
My elderly father is contemplating buying a home and refurbishing it with the help of a lady friend, and then moving in together. I do not feel that this is right for many reasons. I am uncertain how I should address this with him. How would it change things if they were to live in separate bedrooms vs. sharing the same bedroom.

I would appreciate answers on Church teaching of this living arrangement, and also how to deal with this as a family issue.

Thank you very much.
 
He probably just wants the companionship. Is your mother deceased? I have heard that many elderly people are doing this, so that they don’t lose their benefits when they marry. If they are not having sexual relations, I’m not sure if it’s considered sinful. I guess it could be scandal, but they’re OLD, so…

🤷
 
While I’m sure companionship is part of the living arrangement, it is also the case that older people do have and need sex as well. After my mother died, my father, who was in his 80’s at the time, became involved with another woman. They didn’t live together but I knew he was having intimate relations with her. I was a bit surprised at first but said nothing because I felt it was his business and, more important, I wanted him to be happy. Neither Judaism nor the Catholic Church condones such activity, regardless of age, but I felt it was not my place to interfere. Besides, my father, not a religious individual, was nonetheless the kindest, most charitable person, and the best father anyone could imagine. I reasoned, why should I deprive him of a little happiness after the death of my mother, which devastated him as well as me? However, every family situation is different and the decision is yours. If you decide to discuss the issue with your father, my only advice is be loving and charitable.
 
I cannot think of a Church teaching that involves a child correcting a parent.
 
An elderly family member of mine did the same thing. He and a female friend lived together, same house but separate bedrooms. She had been a friend of the family for 60+ years and they were just lonely and trying to save money. He used to cry when I visited because he was so lonely. He was much happier having company after she moved it. I think it improved their health and was safer for them both to not believing alone when almost 90.
 
as long as they are both celibate, what is the problem?

But there in lies the crux, doesn’t it?
You inherently are fearing for his eternal life.
Have you talked to him about it?
 
Many older brothers and sisters and same sex friends and others share their later lives that way because of economy and companionship. Nothing wrong with that!
Peace, Carlan
 
The retired folks are the group with the fastest growing incidence of STD’s.
 
Domer75 said:
My elderly father is contemplating buying a home and refurbishing it with the help of a lady friend, and then moving in together. I do not feel that this is right for many reasons. I am uncertain how I should address this with him. How would it change things if they were to live in separate bedrooms vs. sharing the same bedroom.

I would appreciate answers on Church teaching of this living arrangement, and also how to deal with this as a family issue.

Thank you very much.
Click to expand...
As far as how to deal with this as a family issue, what are your options?
 
If you look at Fr. Serpa’s answers about non-marital sex between older persons in the AAA section, you will see that advanced age does not entitle one to a different moral standard than everyone else. Premarital sex is wrong, no matter the age. There is not a magic age after which point romance isn’t possible, or sex isn’t possible, or temptation isn’t possible. Therefore, one can not say that co-habitation of older people doesn’t create temptation, imply sin, or cause scandal. It still does, although it is packaged in a sweeter, less threatening form of “companionship” and “golden years.”

As to correcting one’s parents, nowhere does it state that one should not provide correction to one’s parents. We are to honor our parents, and one way to do that is through lovingly telling them when we are concerned about something. Tell your father that you are concerned about his decision - say it in love because he is your father, and because he is your brother in Christ. But don’t harp on it (as you wouldn’t with anyone). Ultimately, you can give a person advice, but you must respect their own free will.
 
ThyKingdomCome said:
If you look at Fr. Serpa’s answers about non-marital sex between older persons in the AAA section, you will see that advanced age does not entitle one to a different moral standard than everyone else. Premarital sex is wrong, no matter the age. There is not a magic age after which point romance isn’t possible, or sex isn’t possible, or temptation isn’t possible. Therefore, one can not say that co-habitation of older people doesn’t create temptation, imply sin, or cause scandal. It still does, although it is packaged in a sweeter, less threatening form of “companionship” and “golden years.”

As to correcting one’s parents, nowhere does it state that one should not provide correction to one’s parents. We are to honor our parents, and one way to do that is through lovingly telling them when we are concerned about something. Tell your father that you are concerned about his decision - say it in love because he is your father, and because he is your brother in Christ. But don’t harp on it (as you wouldn’t with anyone). Ultimately, you can give a person advice, but you must respect their own free will.
Click to expand...
'Bout time someone said that. I would tell my parent I don’t appreciate their terrible example for my children and grandchildren. Suddenly something is no longer immoral because you’re old? Putting money before morals is no longer sin? Really?!

How are you going to help your 80 year old mother cope with genital warts? Or your father with herpes? Or AIDS? How long do you think an elderly immune system would hold out against that? (I work in healthcare, caring for the elderly. I see the worst there is, and I have seen an older AIDS patient. You DO NOT wanna go there!)

If these elderly people are so starved for companionship that they would create scandal to get it, their families should feel shame every time they look in the mirror. And if older people want sex, they should follow the rules and get married.

And just for a parting salvo, living together is what married people do. Cohabiting without marriage is still shacking up, no matter your age.
 
Yes, he’s probably having sex with her. Old people still do that you know. Yes, its still a sin. What should you do about it? Absolutely nothing. Your father is an adult. He has formed his thought, feelings, and beliefs over many decades. Your disapproval of his new found happiness and companionship will not change his mind. It really isn’t your place to “correct” your father. He knows that most Christians consider it a sin and he made his choice anyway. Furthermore, he’s an adult and I assume done raising you so MYOB.
 
Would it be too judgemental to refuse to bring impressionable children one is still trying to raise for visits to that household? :rolleyes:
 
BlueEyedLady said:
Yes, he’s probably having sex with her. Old people still do that you know.
Click to expand...
Whoah, there. Do you have any knowledge about this man outside of the original post?

Fornication is still considered a mortal sin around these parts. Unless you have personal knowledge of relating to someone, I’ll kindly ask that you not speculate as to who is and who isn’t.
 
Havard said:
Whoah, there. Do you have any knowledge about this man outside of the original post?

Fornication is still considered a mortal sin around these parts. Unless you have personal knowledge of relating to someone, I’ll kindly ask that you not speculate as to who is and who isn’t.
Click to expand...
Fair enough. If he is my post stands. If he isn’t I’m sorry for assuming and in that case the OP needs to mind his own business x1000. If the OP isn’t sure he definitely shouldn’t approach his father about it. What a way to embarrass and offend everyone.
 
I have to say something on this. If I was married till I was 80 years old from the time I was young, and I was to share a house with an older lady for companionship; that is as far as it would go. I have grown to love my wife, so I will remember her as that young women I married long ago. I don’t ever want to see the dropping of things that I saw on my wife on somebody else; and if I wanted to look at something it would be one of those young hott nurses coming out of clinicals who still have everything tight and firm; and then I can ask her for my sponge bath 👍 :D.
 
ThyKingdomCome said:
If you look at Fr. Serpa’s answers about non-marital sex between older persons in the AAA section, you will see that advanced age does not entitle one to a different moral standard than everyone else. **Premarital sex is wrong, no matter the age. There is not a magic age after which point romance isn’t possible, or sex isn’t possible, or temptation isn’t possible. ** Therefore, one can not say that co-habitation of older people doesn’t create temptation, imply sin, or cause scandal. It still does, although it is packaged in a sweeter, less threatening form of “companionship” and “golden years.”

As to correcting one’s parents, nowhere does it state that one should not provide correction to one’s parents. We are to honor our parents, and one way to do that is through lovingly telling them when we are concerned about something. Tell your father that you are concerned about his decision - say it in love because he is your father, and because he is your brother in Christ. But don’t harp on it (as you wouldn’t with anyone). Ultimately, you can give a person advice, but you must respect their own free will.
Click to expand...
JacarandaPurple said:
'Bout time someone said that. ** I would tell my parent I don’t appreciate their terrible example for my children and grandchildren. ** Suddenly something is no longer immoral because you’re old? Putting money before morals is no longer sin? Really?!

How are you going to help your 80 year old mother cope with genital warts? Or your father with herpes? Or AIDS? How long do you think an elderly immune system would hold out against that? (I work in healthcare, caring for the elderly. I see the worst there is, and I have seen an older AIDS patient. You DO NOT wanna go there!)

If these elderly people are so starved for companionship that they would create scandal to get it, their families should feel shame every time they look in the mirror. And if older people want sex, they should follow the rules and get married.

And just for a parting salvo, living together is what married people do. Cohabiting without marriage is still shacking up, no matter your age.
Click to expand...
👍 nothing left to say this says it all
 
Domer75 said:
My elderly father is contemplating buying a home and refurbishing it with the help of a lady friend, and then moving in together. I do not feel that this is right for many reasons. I am uncertain how I should address this with him. How would it change things if they were to live in separate bedrooms vs. sharing the same bedroom.

I would appreciate answers on Church teaching of this living arrangement, and also how to deal with this as a family issue.

Thank you very much.
Click to expand...
I would like to refresh everyone’s memory - see the above. The OP does not say for sure that his father IS going to share the same bedroom, although he seems to imply that is the intention.

OP, what is the plan? Is your dad going to be shacking up with this “lady friend?” Or are they going to be companions, friends, etc.?

Did he bring it up with you, or are you just sounding things out on the forum without him having asked you for your advice or opinion? You can always give your opinion, but it might not do any good in any case.

Just wondering how such a conversation happened. Maybe your dad is making no secret of it.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top