Elderly, non-Catholic father - funeral conundrum

  • Thread starter Thread starter PatMac53
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
P

PatMac53

Guest
My mother died 3 years ago. She was a devout Catholic. My father was brought up as a Presbyterian but when he married my mother he agreed that we children should be raised Catholic. He went with my mother to Mass every Sunday. He is now 97 and in a care home. He has never converted. Since her death he hasn’t been to church and he is often confused now so, barring a miracle, I expect it will remain like that. What can I do in his last hours and for his funeral?
 
PatMac53 said:
What can I do in his last hours and for his funeral?
Click to expand...
Talk to your pastor and follow his advice. The bishop can give permission for your father to have a Catholic funeral. I presume he will be buried wherever your mother is buried. When the time comes, if for some reason the pastor does not receive the bishop’s permission for a Catholic funeral, work with the funeral home and they can reach out to a Presbyterian or other non-Catholic minister to assist you.

Canon 1183 §3. In the prudent judgment of the local ordinary, ecclesiastical funerals can be granted to baptized persons who are enrolled in a non-Catholic Church or ecclesial community unless their intention is evidently to the contrary and provided that their own minister is not available.
 
PatMac53 said:
He has never converted.
Click to expand...
He respected the wishes of your mother; went to mass for her, raised the kids in her faith, etc… now you should respect his. If he wanted to be Catholic he would have.
 
Don’t give up on the idea that your father might convert. My paternal grandmother did, at the age of 91 and only one or two weeks before she died. In fact she came out of coma, asked to be baptized, and then went back into a coma. She was unconscious when she was baptized, but woke the next day to ask me if she “made a mistake” by becoming a Catholic.

Now how did she know she was a Catholic if she was in a coma at the time of her baptism? I told her she did the right thing, and reassured her (based on a second question she had for me) that she did not have to go to a convent because she got baptized. She then slipped back into her coma.

As for your father’s funeral, if he is still unbaptized, you can have a Memorial Mass for him if you like. For more details about what your local pastor might be able to do for you, talk to him now, rather than later. And I will pray for your grandfather to convert to the Faith according to God’s Will.
 
1ke said:
Talk to your pastor and follow his advice. The bishop can give permission for your father to have a Catholic funeral. I presume he will be buried wherever your mother is buried. When the time comes, if for some reason the pastor does not receive the bishop’s permission for a Catholic funeral, work with the funeral home and they can reach out to a Presbyterian or other non-Catholic minister to assist you.

Canon 1183 §3. In the prudent judgment of the local ordinary, ecclesiastical funerals can be granted to baptized persons who are enrolled in a non-Catholic Church or ecclesial community unless their intention is evidently to the contrary and provided that their own minister is not available.
Click to expand...
This is the way the funeral policies for the Archdiocese of Portland put it:

*Baptized persons enrolled in non-Catholic Churches or ecclesial communities may also be granted ecclesiastical funerals with the following conditions having been met so as to respect the wishes of the deceased and to avoid any appearance of proselytizing:
  1. the local ordinary, with the use of prudent judgment, gives such permission;
  2. an ecclesiastical funeral would not be contrary to the intent of the deceased person;
  3. the proper minister of the deceased is unavailable.*
    archdpdx.org/liturgy/documents/funeral-policies.pdf
Because the OP’s father has not worshiped with nor maintained a relationship with any Christian community other than the Catholic Church, but in fact worshiped with his Catholic family throughout his married life, it is highly likely that permission would be granted for a Catholic funeral. The clearest exception would be if ever he specifically said he did not want a Catholic funeral.

Although the father is unfortunately past making his wishes known in a definitive way, this would be a good thing to investigate now. For instance, there might be a priest still around who remembers that the father was active in the parish before he became too old to continue to go to weekly Mass.

As for what to do in his final years, ask him. It is a place to start.
 
Not to minimize your anxiety or concern at all…
My elderly Irish priest once told me, “If the Vatican can bury Mussolini three times, I can bury anybody once.”
 
I can’t judge other people’s circumstances, but I can tell you how I handled the situation with my own father.

My own father was baptized in some Christian church as a child but never became a Catholic nor attended church services of any kind. He has said that when the time came he “didn’t want anything” but I interpreted that as meaning that he didn’t want my mother or me to undergo great financial expense.

So, when the time came, when my mother was making the funeral arrangements, I said to the funeral director that he had to have some sort of a religious person there, as he did believe in God, so the funeral director got the hospital chaplain (a Protestant minister) who said a few words. I felt that that was the right thing to do, as I wanted some religious person to be there for him, and it wouldn’t seem within the rules to have a Catholic funeral.
 
Thank you for your replies - most of them sensitive and helpful. My father is baptized and I am going to ask him further about his wishes. I hope he is in agreement that we have a Catholic funeral as we would all like to be at Mass praying for his soul. Better still would be if he became Catholic but after all these years…
 
PatMac53 said:
Thank you for your replies - most of them sensitive and helpful. My father is baptized and I am going to ask him further about his wishes. I hope he is in agreement that we have a Catholic funeral as we would all like to be at Mass praying for his soul. Better still would be if he became Catholic but after all these years…
Click to expand...
Well, if he’s willing to have a Catholic funeral, ask if he’s willing to become a Catholic. Why not? He would not be the first to have waited so long. If he is not so inclined, let it be. Be ready to have him tell you “yes” and then tell a priest “not so much.” There is no reason not to offer him the chance, though. He may surprise you. (If there is a priest nearby who was a pastor to your family back when your dad attended Mass who could be available to visit him, so much the better.)

You just never know. If the worst that can happen is that you ask and he says he’s not interested, I’d go for it. If you think it might upset him, that is a reason to let it pass.
 
My Catholic Grandmother married a very baptist man. When he passed we gave him a Baptist funeral and he was buried in a very strict catholic cemetery. When he and my Grandmother bought the plots years before, they never did ask either one about religion. I am sure you will have no problems burying him with your mother. Sorry you have to go through this. This is why people need to make arrangements ahead of time.
 
EasterJoy said:
Well, if he’s willing to have a Catholic funeral, ask if he’s willing to become a Catholic. Why not? He would not be the first to have waited so long. If he is not so inclined, let it be. Be ready to have him tell you “yes” and then tell a priest “not so much.” There is no reason not to offer him the chance, though. He may surprise you. (If there is a priest nearby who was a pastor to your family back when your dad attended Mass who could be available to visit him, so much the better.)

You just never know. If the worst that can happen is that you ask and he says he’s not interested, I’d go for it. If you think it might upset him, that is a reason to let it pass.
Click to expand...
I had a catholic priest visit him and after spending some time with him decided that he was not in a position to understand the implications of converting. We plan to have a service in the Catholic church he attended and then have his ashes buried with my mam. I feel I have done as much as I could do. I hope so as I do not think he is long for this world now.
 
PatMac, I think you have done all that you can do. How wonderful that your father supported your mother’s faith for so many years. You are a wonderful “child” to put so much effort into this. I pray for a peaceful death when the time comes, and I have said a prayer for your father.
 
Thank you Irishmom2 It as taken a while for me to feel at peace about this and so hard as I watch him ebbing away a bit more each day. I pray the rosary when I visit and it’s up to God now.
 
Praying for him, as well as for you in these difficult moments. God bless.
 
My dad died on 7th September 2015 at 11am very peacefully. I was two minutes away but had said goodbye so many times. We had a funeral service from the Catholic church where he attended Mass with my mother. My sons and great nephew read beautifully. There were 30 people there praying for his soul. The day was sunny. The next day his ashes were buried with my mother, sister and brother -in- law. May he rest in peace
 
Eternal rest grant unto him, O Lord, and let perpetual light shine upon him. Through the mercy of God, may he rest in peace. Amen.

I’m so sorry for your loss. My prayers are with you and his soul.

Peace.

+JMJ+
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top