Elderly Parent Problems

[acadiANNA]

Very good points brought up - I know that there is a long process to get someone into a nursing home. A doctor has to confirm that is where the patient needs to go and write the order. Most of the time a patient must go from the emergency room or hospital stay to the facility to get Medicare coverage. She will be able to keep her home because they go on the possibility that she will be able to return home, also an automobile. A list of papers you will need to qualify her for admission will be given to you. I have to agree that it will take more than one person to care for her, even with shifts. In that case, a nursing home would give her the best care.

 

[EasterJoy]

Very good points brought up - I know that there is a long process to get someone into a nursing home. A doctor has to confirm that is where the patient needs to go and write the order. Most of the time a patient must go from the emergency room or hospital stay to the facility to get Medicare coverage. She will be able to keep her home because they go on the possibility that she will be able to return home, also an automobile. A list of papers you will need to qualify her for admission will be given to you. I have to agree that it will take more than one person to care for her, even with shifts. In that case, a nursing home would give her the best care.

If she is only having sporadic mental status changes because of urinary tract infections or some other treatable cause, she may only need assisted living. There are facilities geared toward giving residents the most privacy and independence possible while still making sure they are getting the assistance they need. I would think that will be a high priority for most of us, as we grow older.

 

[dedo]

An internist who takes care of the elderly knows how to do a dementia evaluation, and how to rule out reversible causes.

That is what they do.

However, if it turns out that your mother is not incapacitated, then you may be able to get appropriate documents signed for when that day comes.

Some elder law attorneys are very good in working with skittish / paranoid elderly people.

Also, ideally you want you and your sister to hold these positions (medical / financial POA) assuming you two have at least a minimum of rapport.

Turning your mother’s assets / welfare to someone outside of the family is not a good idea.

Don’t guess, ask around your area for elder law referrals and be willing to talk to more than one.

We are on the tail end of finishing up our parent’s affairs.

I held several of these positions, so if you need any perspective on how they work, and issues that can come up, let me know.

Good luck

 

[HelenRose]

As a former long-term care nurse, I can tell you that it’s often very, very difficult to provide 24-hour care to an older parent, especially if that person has dementia and/or other mental health issues. Putting your mother in some sort of facility IS taking care of her, as the PPs have stated - as long as you carefully vet the facility and ensure that it is appropriate to her needs. There are nurses and health care aides there who are trained to deal with her behaviours appropriately, and they themselves have days off and shifts off to rest - which you will not get if you’re providing her care 24 hours a day.

I also suggest that you contact a lawyer. Depending on your mother’s cognitive abilities, you may be able to apply for the legal ability to make decisions for her. You might also check to see if she has created a document that specifies who can make decisions for her should she lose the ability to do so. A lawyer can help you determine the process by which someone can take over decision-making responsibilities as the laws may differ depending on your area.

My daughter and my niece had promised my mother (their grandmother) that she would not have to go to a nursing home but after each one of them tried to care for her in their homes they soon turned to me crying for help. They found themselves angry and exhausted with themselves and with mother.

I knew that I could not care for her on a daily basis and I needed to work. She was not happy about it but I placed my mother is a nursing home that was close to where I work when she was 95. I was able to visit her most everyday after work and on weekends. Because I did not have to care for her 24/7, I was able to love her, talk with her, enjoy her company, be a loving daughter. Even though she slipped into dementia, she remained my mother and I loved her dearly.

Instead of remembering her last years as one of exhaustion, anger and pain, I remember wonderful conversations and love. I did not abandon her because I was with her most every day. I helped the CNA’s in every way that I could to make her comfortable. I kept close tabs on what the RN’s were doing. I worked with her doctors. I know that this was best.

 

[JRKH]

My daughter and my niece had promised my mother (their grandmother) that she would not have to go to a nursing home but after each one of them tried to care for her in their homes they soon turned to me crying for help. They found themselves angry and exhausted with themselves and with mother.

I knew that I could not care for her on a daily basis and I needed to work. She was not happy about it but I placed my mother is a nursing home that was close to where I work when she was 95. I was able to visit her most everyday after work and on weekends. Because I did not have to care for her 24/7, I was able to love her, talk with her, enjoy her company, be a loving daughter. Even though she slipped into dementia, she remained my mother and I loved her dearly.

Instead of remembering her last years as one of exhaustion, anger and pain, I remember wonderful conversations and love. I did not abandon her because I was with her most every day. I helped the CNA’s in every way that I could to make her comfortable. I kept close tabs on what the RN’s were doing. I worked with her doctors. I know that this was best.

Beautiful. Thanks for sharing this…

Peace
James

 

[Xantippe]

My daughter and my niece had promised my mother (their grandmother) that she would not have to go to a nursing home but after each one of them tried to care for her in their homes they soon turned to me crying for help. They found themselves angry and exhausted with themselves and with mother.

I knew that I could not care for her on a daily basis and I needed to work. She was not happy about it but I placed my mother is a nursing home that was close to where I work when she was 95. I was able to visit her most everyday after work and on weekends. Because I did not have to care for her 24/7, I was able to love her, talk with her, enjoy her company, be a loving daughter. Even though she slipped into dementia, she remained my mother and I loved her dearly.

Instead of remembering her last years as one of exhaustion, anger and pain, I remember wonderful conversations and love. I did not abandon her because I was with her most every day. I helped the CNA’s in every way that I could to make her comfortable. I kept close tabs on what the RN’s were doing. I worked with her doctors. I know that this was best.

That’s a very good solution.

 

[MissRose73]

My mom and her sister placed their mother in a home when she started having issues where caring for her was getting to be a bit of an issue, and needed more supervision & care. The place my grandma is living at is very good plus she is looked after well.

One of my best friends took a leave of absence from her job to care for her mother full time. It got to be a bit much for her, and she was able to find a place for her mother to live the remaining few years she had with dignity and great care. She knew that her mother was in very good hands when she saw a statue of St Therese at the home. She still came to see her when in the home. Her mother passed away a few years later.

I know my parents have something in place (as far as I know) for their needs.

 

[Mickey_Finn]

Thank you all,

To make clear I have not moved in per se. I was “tricked” into coming out to see her through a transition that she is balking at now that I am here. I make it clear daily that I need to move on within 2 weeks if she does not chose a course of action. I have only a few boxes of books and clothes and my belongings are in storage.

She has not been diagnosed with anything. When alone she is very much confused and almost delusional. When interacting she is more on track but still has trouble with dates and appointments etc… She will clearly benefit from a community atmosphere that we are attempting to get her into.

She can afford a $4000 a month “resort” and this would be ideal. She can even afford more advanced care as needed. But she has to chose otherwise it is APS and that is so heartbreaking as she stands to lose all her assets and end up in a state facility.

I have more patience than my sister unfortunately she holds the financial cards and I am stuck between their bickering ways…

It was wonderful to be reading Galatians this week in the LOTH! Lent is upon us as well and I will be “suffering” along.

I am so blessed to have my Catholic faith and know it is all going to work out! No clue how but it will!

El paso

El paso, We went through something similar with my parents. Alzheimer’s for one, and dementia for the other. They also refused assisted living. So, we spoke with an attorney about taking over their affairs. He gave us a price and explained that the courts would speak to our parents just ensure they were not being taken advantage of. In the end we didn’t go through with it. We “bought” a couple years with care providers to cook, and clean and my brother and I took turns spending the night there. When this became too much we hired a service. This ended in disaster.

If you believe she needs that level of care, and it sounds like you do. Then the quicker you make it happen the better for all. A neurologist can test her, and make a diagnosis. You can take this to assist in moving your mother. It also helps you to choose a facility. Adult protective services can be helpful. But if moving your mother into an appropriate facility is your goal. Don’t be distracted from that.

Here in Michigan there are very few facilities that are good. They tend to be very expensive. So, you need to visit as many as you can. It might be smart to look around the city you live in. I think frequent visits are helpful for both me, and my parents. So, having her close can have it’s advantages.

You mentioned $4000.00/month. That’s actually pretty cheap, at least here in Michigan.

Good luck whatever you decide.