Email Relationship Disaster. PART 2. THOUGHTS?

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89ARIES

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  1. All my frustration with her came to a crescendo when she came right out and told me
    I was an unsuitable marriage partner. I sped up the inevitable end of our email relationship
    with my grief about not being allowed to phone her. She had said I didn’t value her friendship cause I wanted something more than just email correspondence. So I came right out and said I wanted to phone her cause I loved her and wanted to get to know her. It was then a week later that she had the audacity to say I was an unsuitable marriage partner because of certain moral flaws on my part. I exploded immaturely and basically criticised her with an angry email. I thought the relationship was over for good, and was ready to walk away, but I wanted to try to make up in some way as a gentlemen,
    so I called her. I thought at the time she had forgiven me, and we could just “be friends”. She would dump me a month after this while all the while harboring resentment towards me.
  2. She fooled me for an additional month in corresponding with me, but than it was just videos and links to articles. Then, everything went silent for a week. Of course, I called her on it, but I tried to do it in a way to show I loved her. I found the most sentimental emails and made nice comments about them. She took it to be a direct attack on her and so she told me she had decided to dump me and that was that. I think she had been thinking of dumping me for a very long time.
Yes, there is some validity on her part that I belittled or accussed her, but she was never very open and left me holding the emotional baggage. In a woman’s world, a woman is never wrong in a relationship and she always dumps men more often then men dump women. Sorry, but its true. I have had my fair share of being dumped by unappreciative women.

Even though deep in my heart, I would like to see a miracle where we suddenly were close friends, but this is not to be. I want to fight for her, but at what cost? I just don’t think its wise or worth it. I would be folly to consider her a friend even, even though I still have some feelings for her. Here is why:
  1. She is passive aggressive and holds grudges. She does not forgive very easily.
  2. She already told me she does not want to marry, and never will.
  3. She is basically self-centered, proud, and overly sensitive.
  4. I think she may have a borderline personality where as long as she is the center of the universe, with no commitment,
    everything is fine. She was honest with me and told me she liked having friends she owed nothing to.
So, yes, I guess if she means that by calling her on these points she is being belittled or accussed, I am sorry, but I invested to much time in this 27 year old woman homeschooler. She said she felt “protected” and open with me until everything
came out of the box.

Bear in mind, I sent her mass cards, complimented her beautiful Catholic Art, made nice comments on her webpage, and was VERY empathetic. I know for a fact now that she really didn’t understand what a true man is, however misguided and impatient and somewhat immature this one speaking now may be.I would have moved heaven and earth for her, but my confidence has been shattered with deep sadness, anger, depression, and too much distrust.

I am only 31 and age is against me. I am torn down the middle between trusting in God, trying again for another courtship, or just quitting. Added to the fact I am not making enough money to support a wife, so why even try. Women who see 30s somethings that have already had three break-ups see us men as red flags, unstable, or just not mature. There is a really nice good Catholic dairy farm girl I really like, but I don’t think it would be wise to break the ice. This farm girl by the way is 32 and has not found a man, at least that I know of. She is too busy studying to become a family doctor, something
I very much admire in her. I’d rather marry someone older than me and more mature, if that is what it takes to find a good girl. Less kids or no kids, so be it.

Well, thats my story. Interesting? Thoughts?

I choose to keep myself and this person anonymous. Funny, but not really, I have
been too embarrassed to ever admit I ever had a crush on anyone, but it always came out, but I have always wanted to marry for what I think are the right reasons, raise a family,be the best father and best man possible. Of course, my Dad always said, if you are lonely, get a dog. The word dating needs to be eliminated entirely. If you are going to court, it better be for the purpose of marriage in mind. I hate to admit it, but I think most of us want to marry for a wrong reason, yours included, a close friend, but it seems to be the fallen human condition. I want to reach my zenith as a single person, happy in myself and in doing God’s will, maybe then I will be ready at 40 for marriage, who knows, or not, or not ever. Don’t know whether to just quit or try again at this point. I am burned out.
 
If it’s just via email it isn’t a relationship, its just the idea of a relationship. If that’s something that you can’t see and you are in your 30’s as you say, then it’s time to find a therapist.
 
I suggest you get some counseling.

You had a 9 month long faux relationship via email with someone and claim to have loved them. After the “break up” you came here and had a very long conversation with yourself.

To me, this says you really need to talk to someone, and not virtually-- for real.

Please get help.
 
Is this relationship only via email? Have you ever met this person? If not, you really didn’t have a real relationship in the first place, and you simply have no idea what this person is really like. Don’t even give it a second thought.
I am only 31 and age is against me.
Click to expand...
At 31, age is not against you. In fact, it can be extremely helpful. People in their 30s tend to be who they will be for the rest of their life. They have also settled into life (gone to college, work in a career for several years, lived out on their own, etc.). There are plenty of 30-something women (and men) that are DESPERATE for an honest, faithful spouse. They just become harder to find, since they don’t hang out in clubs and the like. My wife is one of those people; she simply gave up dating because she couldn’t deal with idiots.

I recommend become active in various social activities where you can meet such people in person. email relationships won’t cut it.
 
BlueEyedLady said:
If it’s just via email it isn’t a relationship, its just the idea of a relationship. If that’s something that you can’t see and you are in your 30’s as you say, then it’s time to find a therapist.
Click to expand...
BlueEyedLady is right. I had a similar “relationship” over the internet at about your age. It wasn’t a real relationship at all, although it felt like it to me. Getting therapy then would have saved me a lot of wasted time!

In fact, the way you describe your emotional outbursts of anger, blaming her, tendency towards isolation… Eerily similar to the way I used to behave.

The positive in this is that, being single, it is an ideal time to work on yourself with professional help. It’s much harder when you’re married and have to work on yourself while taking care of a family.
 
I think you’re selling yourself very short.

The forums are intended to engage discussions and even to solicit practical advice, but you appear to be looking for online therapy. Please reach out for help from a professional therapist or someone trustworthy with whom you can confide in person.
 
This is probably going to sound very harsh. I am sorry about that, but could not find softer sounding words to get my point across:

In the United States, Thursday will be the national Thanksgiving holiday, which is traditionally celebrated with a huge feast with family (a little too huge, in my opinion, but you get the idea.) It has to be celebrated in person, live, face-to-face to get the real benefit.

Can you imagine a virtual turkey dinner? If you sat down in front of your computer on Thanksgiving day and watched a Thanksgiving dinner, would you stand up from your computer any less hungry than when you sat down?

Would you invite your friends to a virtual steak barbecue?

You’ve been involved in a virtual relationship: It has about as much to do with reality as the “virtual turkey dinner” I described. It doesn’t matter why it ended. And quite frankly, you read way more into it than was there. This young lady was creeped out by your inordinate attention to e-mail. No flesh and blood woman would be able to live up to ideas displayed in pixels. It isn’t possible.

Real live relationships require a skill set to establish and maintain that you can’t cultivate online to any meaningful degree. If you have been bypassing real relationships in favor of this e-mail correspondence, I agree with other posters: It’s time to get professional help.
 
Hi, 89ARIES. I didn’t see this post when I commented upon the other one. In the future, if you think you’re going to write a long post that needs to be in more than one installment, type a second post immediately after the first one, not a new thread post which results in two separate threads, as you did here.

My questions from the other thread apply here, though. After reading this thread topic, I must agree that you didn’t really have any type of relationship upon which to build a marriage because she flat out told you she didn’t want to marry, plus you’ve found so many faults with her that there’s no way in which she could ever be a satisfactory wife for you, even if she wanted to marry you. As a favor to yourself, let it go.

I also agree with the other posters that you need to consult a professonal therapist. You need to work with one who can help you see how your thinking is destined to make you fail in most relationships and who can help you choose thoughts and actions that aren’t so self-limiting. Right now, you’re your own worst enemy. I sincerely wish you success in that endeavor and shall keep you in my prayers.
 
I knew a man who was a dreamer. He really wanted a relationship with me because he wanted to marry someone. I didn’t lead him on but he tried for a while. In the end he said sadly, “You only see me as a friend.” I simply replied ‘yes’.
I didn’t feel safe with someone who was such a dreamer, not realistic enough. I liked him as a friend but would never have chosen to marry him.

I married a practical man and I trust him. We’ve been married for many years.
He has a softer side and can be very kind, but I think we need to be realistic as well as emotionally connected in our marriage relationships.

It is unrealistic to dwell on this ‘relationship’ that isn’t one, and to devote so much energy to it even in these threads, when it really has no future.

This relationship had a daydreamlike quality but it isn’t real. When we wake after a dream nothing we dreamed was real. It was your dream not hers, but I hope you will find a real relationship when the time is right.
I hope you can determine to get over your disappointment and hurt soon, without becoming bitter. May God help you to have a healthy approach to relationship and to grow, having experienced this reality check.

I am sorry of course that you feel ‘let down’ and sad.

:blessyou:
 
Yes, thanks. Actually, I saw this person perhaps 5 times in Florida with her family way back in the year 1999. So, I foolishly thought that was a common ground to reconnect only 13 years later. So, yes, I read way too much into it. I did have thoughts about how to win this person, and goals, and the phone call thing should have been my first clue to back off, and flee.
 
To add insult to injury.

My brother just informed me that she is now engaged to be married. One week after she dumped me. Go figure. Wow. I am so done with this person.
 
Yes, I will also admit I sent a two-sentence b.c. cryptic email congratulating her on the engagement, with a God bless at the end. I had to have satisfaction and the last word. I wanted her to know that I know that she was using me, even though I am sure she already does. I know it was probably wrong, but I didn’t care. God may punish me for this, or not. I hate being used by people, and I guess I have a little spiritual development to do. Kinda wish now I had just been more of a silent gentlemen. I don’t entirely hate her, and hope it works out. I will not be attempting to communicate with her again, or even respond. Glad that’s over.
 
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