Embarrassed but I need to ask

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FrustratedWife9

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So I made a throwaway account to ask this question because I’m embarrassed about it but I have to ask.

My husband and I have been married for several years and in all that time I have never been able to have “satisfaction” (so to speak) in our sexual relations, not even once. We have tried EVERYTHING and none of it seems to work. At this point, the only way I can get a release is to take matters into my own hands (so to speak) but then I deal with all the guilt and anxiety before I can get to confession. I need to know if this is a mortal sin. Is it okay to receive the Eucharist if I am not able to get to confession first If I have had to do this? I don’t look at porn or anything like that. I just feel like a bad wife and a bad Catholic and a bad everything.

I am just so frustrated and disappointed. I spent my whole life thinking sex was going to be this amazing thing that would bring my husband and I together but the more time that goes on the more bitter I feel towards him in that department because he can “get there” so easily and I can’t. It’s not that he isn’t being generous or doing everything he can to help me. It just never happens for me. I know it isn’t a physical/medical issue because I do have desire and I can to it by myself, and I love my husband and want him in that way and we have our ups and downs but nothing so stressful that it should be hindering me in this way (plus it’s ALWAYS been like this, even on our honeymoon!)

it’s just become this endless repeating cycle of frustration building up for weeks then I finally give in and take care of it then I have this horrible guilt and fear that God is basically going to strike me down if I don’t get to confession right away. I’m embarrassed that I have to keep confessing the same thing time and time again but I just don’t see how it is ever going to change. Am I really doomed to choose between a lifw of frustration and dissatisfaction or a life of guilt?
 
I know questions like this get posted here pretty much constantly but its usually from the point of view of single people. My frustration stems from the factthat I am married, I have a good marriage, I am supposed to be able to have a fulfilling sex life with my husband, and I cant and it seems like I never will. I guess I just feel like it isn’t fair.
 
I can’t really speak regards everything, but, is oral not possible for you? As far as I understand things, so long as sex culminates in the particular fashion we’re aware of, either can be gratified through various means up to this culmination (and though the husband cannot climax beforehand, the wife may). Moderation is cited as important in the sexual needs between partners, but in your case, I don’t think you’re going overboard in wanting what’s normal.

I am not so sure on whether or not you can please yourself before the culmination of the marriage act, but I am less positive that you can do it afterwards. Hopefully someone more familiar will come along to answer this.
 
Yes, we have tried both oral and manual and nothing. It has to be me. I have been trying to “coach” him in what to do since we got married but he honestly doesn’t seem to be doing anything wrong. Its just me I guess.
SighGuy said:
I can’t really speak regards everything, but, is oral not possible for you? As far as I understand things, so long as sex culminates in the particular fashion we’re aware of, either can be gratified through various means up to this culmination (and though the husband cannot climax beforehand, the wife may). Moderation is cited as important in the sexual needs between partners, but in your case, I don’t think you’re going overboard in wanting what’s normal.

I am not so sure on whether or not you can please yourself before the culmination of the marriage act, but I am less positive that you can do it afterwards. Hopefully someone more familiar will come along to answer this.
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Just an encouragement…

It took a couple years in my marriage before my wife climaxed. Since then, it has just been getting better and better. So don’t lose hope!

Another comment: you seem to describe masturbating as something fine to do so long as you confess it. That’s not a Scriptural attitude toward sin. You need to stop masturbating. Masturbation is stifling your intimacy with you husband, and making him feel less of a man. Stop.
 
Prodigal_Son said:
Just an encouragement…

It took a couple years in my marriage before my wife climaxed. Since then, it has just been getting better and better. So don’t lose hope!

Another comment: you seem to describe masturbating as something fine to do so long as you confess it. That’s not a Scriptural attitude toward sin. You need to stop masturbating. Masturbation is stifling your intimacy with you husband, and making him feel less of a man. Stop.
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It has been five years with my husband and so far nothing. I don’t really know how I can not lose hope at this point.

I am trying to stop. Every time I go to confession I resolve to stop. But the longer I go with no satisfaction the more bitter I feel towards my husband and hate even the idea of marital intimacy.
 
FrustratedWife9 said:
It has been five years with my husband and so far nothing. I don’t really know how I can not lose hope at this point.

I am trying to stop. Every time I go to confession I resolve to stop. But the longer I go with no satisfaction the more bitter I feel towards my husband and hate even the idea of marital intimacy.
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The way you described it before, it seemed like you didn’t blame your husband at all. But here, it looks like you do blame him. I’m not criticizing – the blame is natural enough. Perhaps you could explain what role you see him as playing? (My own problem, in my marriage, has been premature ejaculation, by the way – this was a result of my masturbation habit.)

As for the masturbation, you sound addicted, to me. You need to discover what is fueling the addiction, and you need to ask God for grace to resist, every time you are tempted. The Lord has power for you!
 
Prodigal_Son said:
The way you described it before, it seemed like you didn’t blame your husband at all. But here, it looks like you do blame him. I’m not criticizing – the blame is natural enough. Perhaps you could explain what role you see him as playing? (My own problem, in my marriage, has been premature ejaculation, by the way – this was a result of my masturbation habit.)

As for the masturbation, you sound addicted, to me. You need to discover what is fueling the addiction, and you need to ask God for grace to resist, every time you are tempted. The Lord has power for you!
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I don’t know. I don’t blame him per se. It is just so hard because he has a pretty high drive so we do it as often as we can get away with without getting pregnant (for a few more months at least, pretty soon we will be able to try for another baby) and to have that much sexual contact with no release is just maddening, to be honest. To see him being gratified so effortlessly while I just get more and more frustrated…its hard not to get a little resentful.

And I really don’t think I am addicted. I only do it once,maybe twice, a month when I get so irritable and unsettled that I am just making myself and everyone else miserable.
 
Did you try that one technique where you do NOT have sex for 2 weeks straight using their guidelines? Gosh! Starts with an “S”, I think. It’s almost like reverse psychology!

It’s a little like having a computer have problems and unplugging it, taking out the battery, plugging it back in and rebooting!

Anyway, if you haven’t tried that, you haven’t tried everything. 🙂
 
Are you taking any medications? Some effect ability in that dept. Are there some trust issues that need to be addressed? Are you tired or stressed out? Negative body image? Exercise and healthy nutrition could help you feel better. Do you and your husband enjoy other activities together? Perhaps praying that God grace your marriage with this beautiful, mutually satisfying intimacy will help. Lastly, sometimes when we stress too much about it, that can interfere with relaxing.

The idea of confessing this to a Priest is enough to stop me from self-gratification. Yeah, I know they’ve heard it all before…but I would feel so embarrassed. When self-gratification is NOT an option, your head may decide to cooperate with your body;)
 
I think this is called, “anhedonism”. Had you ever talked to your regular doctor, or gynecologist about any of this?
 
ClearWater said:
Did you try that one technique where you do NOT have sex for 2 weeks straight using their guidelines? Gosh! Starts with an “S”, I think. It’s almost like reverse psychology!

It’s a little like having a computer have problems and unplugging it, taking out the battery, plugging it back in and rebooting!

Anyway, if you haven’t tried that, you haven’t tried everything. 🙂
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Well we are avoiding pregnancy right now so we do have periods of abstaining. I don’t think he would be happy with two whole weeks though. Maybe.
 
There are a BUNCH of things that can cause this…hormonal, depression. You might want to first try to check out physical causes. It could also be emotional.
 
Further, there is NO need to feel embarrassed. I’m sure there are a lot of women on the forum now, or their spouses, who are having this very same problem!
 
ElizMary said:
Are you taking any medications? Some effect ability in that dept. Are there some trust issues that need to be addressed? Are you tired or stressed out? Negative body image? Exercise and healthy nutrition could help you feel better. Do you and your husband enjoy other activities together? Perhaps praying that God grace your marriage with this beautiful, mutually satisfying intimacy will help. Lastly, sometimes when we stress too much about it, that can interfere with relaxing.

The idea of confessing this to a Priest is enough to stop me from self-gratification. Yeah, I know they’ve heard it all before…but I would feel so embarrassed. When self-gratification is NOT an option, your head may decide to cooperate with your body;)
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I have had to take some medications but not consistently through our whole marriage and I haven’t noticed it being better or worse with the medicines. Your advice is good but its the same advice I have gotten sincethe early days of our marriage when I first found that I have this problem and just none of it has seemed to make a difference. Ive been praying about it the whole time. 😦
 
There’s NO need to feel embarrassed. There are surely a lot of people on the forum who are themselves, or their spouses, experiencing this very same problem who have these exact same questions!
 
I’m just throwing this out there as a possibility… if you’ve experienced sexual abuse as a child, teen or adult… you may have fear of submission to your husband in this way, which is what orgasm ultimately is. I have heard of a case where a husband loved bringing his wife to O but could not submit to her in that way himself. He had become fearful of the loss of control he experienced in that area, when as a young man, a girl who he was ending a relationship with took the opportunity to become pregnant in the last throes of it all to keep him in the picture. Different people feel violated in different ways, and being manipulated with that act is one of them.
 
LongingSoul said:
I’m just throwing this out there as a possibility… if you’ve experienced sexual abuse as a child, teen or adult… you may have fear of submission to your husband in this way, which is what orgasm ultimately is. I have heard of a case where a husband loved bringing his wife to O but could not submit to her in that way himself. He had become fearful of the loss of control he experienced in that area, when as a young man, a girl who he was ending a relationship with took the opportunity to become pregnant in the last throes of it all to keep him in the picture. Different people feel violated in different ways, and being manipulated with that act is one of them.
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I have heard that before too but I was never abused or anything.
 
Hey Frustrated. So what/who (or who all) do you think about when you masturbate alone? You may be able to get some insight into what brings you to climax by analyzing your fantasies. Also, one key difference between most men and women is that men typically do not have to strive for climax. It just occurs eventually. Struggling for the orgasm might be a kind of turn-off by itself making sex almost like a job with a particular end-goal in mind. Ask your husband if he is focused on ejaculating while having sex or whether he is concentrating on you and your body. I know for me, I am usually focused on the things that turn me on.

Back to the focus of your fantasies…You mentioned you do not watch porn. If the nature of your fantasies are pornographic then you might have a problem with fornication and adulterous inclinations. You mention that you feel great guilt, fear of God, and a need to rush to confession (so that you can keep wiping the slate clean). Analyze your heart and determine what is really going on with you.

A little about me that you might find interesting even if none of it applies to you. I am single. It has been years since I have had sex. I do masturbate. When I masturbate, I tend to think of various different women. Maybe a good looking woman that I saw and spoke to during the day. Maybe this woman or that. Sometimes I think of having two woman at once. Sometimes more. Even though I do not do these things in the flesh, I am doing them in my heart. It makes little difference that I did not do them in the flesh. I still fornicate with various women and have orgies with multiple women. As I come to God, I come to him in the humility I gain from accepting the truth about myself. I believe that God can heal me (maybe). My heart is somewhat hardened because I repeat my sins and I know that God knows that I am sinning while I am sinning. I know that he is merciful and probably will not damn me to hell but that doesn’t mean that I don’t suffer a loss. I don’t know the desire of only wanting one woman. I don’t know what it is like to have a deep enough reverence for God that I would cease from my sins completely. Turning to face the Lord and being healed isn’t an instantaneous process for me and it involves my eyes going to the floor as I see myself more clearly. But they flicker up in defiance and later they go back to the floor. Rinse and repeat. I don’t even feel that sorry about it but it does make me feel sad and make a deep sigh. I’m also pretty happy about a lot of other things about God and things in my life.
 
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