Embarrassed but I need to ask

[MtnDwellar]

A doctor I know prescribes “Scream Cream”. She says it works.

It’s a real thing… Google it or ask your MD.

 

[FrustratedWife9]

Hey Frustrated. So what/who (or who all) do you think about when you masturbate alone? You may be able to get some insight into what brings you to climax by analyzing your fantasies. Also, one key difference between most men and women is that men typically do not have to strive for climax. It just occurs eventually. Struggling for the orgasm might be a kind of turn-off by itself making sex almost like a job with a particular end-goal in mind. Ask your husband if he is focused on ejaculating while having sex or whether he is concentrating on you and your body. I know for me, I am usually focused on the things that turn me on.

Back to the focus of your fantasies…You mentioned you do not watch porn. If the nature of your fantasies are pornographic then you might have a problem with fornication and adulterous inclinations. You mention that you feel great guilt, fear of God, and a need to rush to confession (so that you can keep wiping the slate clean). Analyze your heart and determine what is really going on with you.

A little about me that you might find interesting even if none of it applies to you. I am single. It has been years since I have had sex. I do masturbate. When I masturbate, I tend to think of various different women. Maybe a good looking woman that I saw and spoke to during the day. Maybe this woman or that. Sometimes I think of having two woman at once. Sometimes more. Even though I do not do these things in the flesh, I am doing them in my heart. It makes little difference that I did not do them in the flesh. I still fornicate with various women and have orgies with multiple women. As I come to God, I come to him in the humility I gain from accepting the truth about myself. I believe that God can heal me (maybe). My heart is somewhat hardened because I repeat my sins and I know that God knows that I am sinning while I am sinning. I know that he is merciful and probably will not damn me to hell but that doesn’t mean that I don’t suffer a loss. I don’t know the desire of only wanting one woman. I don’t know what it is like to have a deep enough reverence for God that I would cease from my sins completely. Turning to face the Lord and being healed isn’t an instantaneous process for me and it involves my eyes going to the floor as I see myself more clearly. But they flicker up in defiance and later they go back to the floor. Rinse and repeat. I don’t even feel that sorry about it but it does make me feel sad and make a deep sigh. I’m also pretty happy about a lot of other things about God and things in my life.

I have tried to fantacize hoping that it would make things easier but actually it makes it harder for me. Even when I am by myself it isn’t easy. I have to focus very intently on how my body is feeling or else I don’t feel anything at all. I cant think about anything else. I think that is the problem with my husband. When I am with him there is so much happening physically and emotionally for me that I cant keep focus. I dunno. It sounds weird and I haven’t heard of anyone else this way so it makes me feel like I am damaged somehow.

 

[FrustratedWife9]

A doctor I know prescribes “Scream Cream”. She says it works.

It’s a real thing… Google it or ask your MD.

haha wow. Never heard of that. Thanks.

 

[JamesATyler]

You said you start to feel irritable after a couple of weeks and finally you take care of business. Do you feel free and honest enough with your husband to take that attitude of irritability and really just get to work on him? Could be a problem if you are trying to fill a particular role (like the submissive wife) or otherwise putting on an act.

 

[FrustratedWife9]

You said you start to feel irritable after a couple of weeks and finally you take care of business. Do you feel free and honest enough with your husband to take that attitude of irritability and really just get to work on him? Could be a problem if you are trying to fill a particular role (like the submissive wife) or otherwise putting on an act.

Get to work on him? I don’t think I know what you mean.

 

[JamesATyler]

Get to work on him? I don’t think I know what you mean.

Well if you are feeling angry or resentful (or any emotion) when you have sex it seems like the way you are having sex, the attitude that you bring to bed, should be honestly reflected. I guess I am asking if you are being emotionally honest with how you have sex? For example, if you feel angry or resentful you might be a little bit rougher in bed (or however you express it).

 

[FrustratedWife9]

Well if you are feeling angry or resentful (or any emotion) when you have sex it seems like the way you are having sex, the attitude that you bring to bed, should be honestly reflected. I guess I am asking if you are being emotionally honest with how you have sex? For example, if you feel angry or resentful you might be a little bit rougher in bed (or however you express it).

Hmm. Well I do try to hide my frustration because I don’t want to make him feel like less of a man or like he is doing something wrong. Its really not him. Its me.

 

[JamesATyler]

Hmm. Well I do try to hide my frustration because I don’t want to make him feel like less of a man or like he is doing something wrong. Its really not him. Its me.

I’m not suggesting that you verbally express yourself or purposely try to turn him off. If you don’t already do it, then try to physically express yourself in the context of love making. So if I am with a woman who is resenting me a little (but loves me) she might bite me while we are having sex. Not enough to really hurt me of course. She doesn’t have to tell me why. That’s not the point. The point is, she is expressing what she is feeling to me with her body. I’m not saying you need to bite your husband. That’s just an example. Instead of hiding or suppressing your emotions, find a way to express yourself physically to him when you are having sex. It’s not that important if he totally understands everything you do but it might make the sex more emotionally rewarding.

 

[Prodigal_Son]

Hmm. Well I do try to hide my frustration because I don’t want to make him feel like less of a man or like he is doing something wrong. Its really not him. Its me.

He already feels like less of a man, and he already feels like he is doing something wrong. If you want intimacy with him, you have to be honest and open. You can cushion it, of course, by saying “Now I’m not saying this is rational, but this is how I feel.”

Verbal intimacy with your husband, about such things, will be just as rewarding (if not more rewarding!) than great sex. You can’t be intimate when you’re hiding.

 

[JamesATyler]

It’s your choice of course if you want to be verbal about your dissatisfaction. Prodigal is right of course that verbal intimacy is a great thing. I’m just saying that it sounds like your holding back. You feel unhappy and you hide it. That’s not the greatest place to be when you are having sex. A man will also have trouble with sex if he is unhappy. It might take the form of not being able to become erect or reach climax too. That is one thing about being a man that is a little different from a woman. For a man, his mood, and the conditions have to be right for him from the start to have an erection. Especially as he gets older (typically). It’s harder for a man to hide if he is not really into it.

You say the problem isn’t your husband, it’s you. How into you does your husband appear to be? Is he passionate? Do you feel like he is making love to >you< or does it seem like he performing? Does he kiss you while he making love, what does he do with his hands, does he look at your eyes, etc etc. Or does it seem like he trying to emulate some guy he saw in a porn flick (a performance)?

Porn is so counterproductive. I think there has got to be a real emotional honesty and release from both lovers for the sex to be truly satisfying.

 

[Antecedent]

I would suggest some extended time alone with your husband without sex to reestablish your relationship. I’m sorry, but if I was in his shoes, I would not be comfortable even having relations if I was the only one ‘enjoying’ it. You both might want to consider counseling as well to deepen your non-sexual relationship. Furthermore, the more pressure you put on achieving ‘it’, sometimes the more difficult it can be. Trust yourself - It could be that your lack of climaxing during lovemaking is an indicator of a need for something more out of your relationship. Put sex on the back burner for a while and spend some time with each other.

 

[FrenzyJen]

Maybe I missed this part somewhere, but if you are only able to bring yourself to orgasm, why not work that into the lovemaking? Either foreplay/during/afterwards. That way everyone wins, and your soul isn’t hurt at all. You are allowed to help out during sex.

My husband and I have been married several years as well, and I have never, by any means, had an orgasm. I feel that I may be getting close though, so I keep trucking on, but I very much understand that resentment that comes with not having as much fun as him. It made me sick for a while and I got so mad at the idea of sex, this thing that’s supposed to bring you even closer together that is just making me seethe, and lay awake angry for hours afterwards.

Talk to your husband; don’t worry about hurting his feelings. This is not just your burden to carry. You are married, you should be honest with him about this.

 

[Musician]

Maybe I missed this part somewhere, but if you are only able to bring yourself to orgasm, why not work that into the lovemaking? Either foreplay/during/afterwards. That way everyone wins, and your soul isn’t hurt at all. You are allowed to help out during sex.

My husband and I have been married several years as well, and I have never, by any means, had an orgasm. I feel that I may be getting close though, so I keep trucking on, but I very much understand that resentment that comes with not having as much fun as him. It made me sick for a while and I got so mad at the idea of sex, this thing that’s supposed to bring you even closer together that is just making me seethe, and lay awake angry for hours afterwards.

Talk to your husband; don’t worry about hurting his feelings. This is not just your burden to carry. You are married, you should be honest with him about this.

This.
You are not abnormal believe me! I have been there myself.
First, take a few days off. Get some warming gel or lube of some type. Fill your head with positive images of you and your husband making love. Of how you want it to be. What turns you on? Stuff like that. Then incorporate what makes YOU happy into a lovemaking session. Maybe tell your husband you want to try something new. (That’ll probably make him happy if he’s like my husband.) When you’re making love, focus on what turns you on even if it seems like it “takes too long”.
There’s nothing to be ashamed of. Lots of women have this problem.
I’ll pray for you.