Emotional Abuse

[masha]

Chosen,
I think I understand what you mean when you say we tend to throw around the term “emotional abuse”. I think it’s a tendency everywhere, because we like to diagnose ourselves in every aspect of life. I playfully call myself mildly OCD to excuse myself for keeping very clean house, so that my friends have a way to understand why my house is very clean - instead of explaining that I just put a high value on beauty and order, which might sound as though they don’t. Diagnosis is all over now: ADD, OCD, chronic fatique, social anxiety…some people really do suffer, and some assume they do because of some similarity. I have a friend who suffers from “chronic fatique syndrome” but only when she’s overworked herself, or travelled a lot, or gone a couple nights with no sleep.

Emotional abuse is difficult to say, though, because often we want to say “if he feels abused, who’s to say his feelings are wrong?” But sometimes his feelings are wrong: sometimes he’s recreating his parent’s marriage, playing the victim, or so overly sensitive that every comment could be “emotional abuse”. Sometimes its a combination of a tendency towards manipulation in one spouse and a tendency towards a sort of passive-aggressive victimhood in the other. My husband and I visited one of my sister’s recently and that combination could been seen clearly in her marriage. Her husband is immature, selfish, moody, and needy; he can be a ‘nice’ guy, and generally he is, but he’s impatient and unwilling to sacrifice in the little things. I think with a different type of woman he’d be better able to grow toward the good, but my sister is extremely sensitive, extremely passive-aggressive, and as soon as she married fell into the nagging, disappointed wife role, which makes it difficult for her impatient husband to act lovingly towards her. Now when we see them I think “emotional abuse!” about his behaviour towards her, but honestly looking at it I think it’s not really emotional abuse, because neither is really the abuser, and neither is really the victim. They’re just two immature people making each other miserable.

When people use the term “emotional abuse” it generally implies a certain amount of innocence on the part of the abused party, which is true in the case of true emotional abuse, but not necessarily true in many situations labeled “emotional abuse” (I hope that doesn’t sound like I’m blaming the victim, I’m not - read the bold section again). We have a tendency to side with the people we know (or the poster, on the forum) and against the other party, but relationships are complex, people are complex, and we shouldn’t be too quick to say “it is emotional abuse”, encourage seperation, or define the situation.

Masha

 

[flyingfish]

I see a lot of posts, particularly about marriage and divorce, that reference Emotional Abuse. It seems to me that this term is thrown about quite cavalierly and is also used to justify giving someone the grounds to leave a marriage.

Before I go farther, I want to separate what is clearly over-the-line from this discussion. There are plenty of people, most of them women, who have been the victim of real abuse; abuse that just happens to be in the form of emotional control and manipulation. These women have been lied to about every aspect of their lives and had their safety and health threatened by the men who practiced this form of abuse. I’m not suggesting that their pain is not real, nor that they did not (do not) have grounds to leave the marriage.

The things I’m talking about are much less severe: a controlling spouse, a spouse who denigrates you, demeans you, refuses to let you have a say in the decision making or who continually threatens to divorce or leave if his/her wishes are not met. A spouse who may withhold affection, sex, affirmation or compassion if you don’t accede to their wishes. A spouse who cannot accept your right to have equal standing in the marriage. This type of person is not going to be capable of participating in a good/quality marriage, but that does not mean that we should counsel the person to leave or separate, does it? A marriage is more that just being happy, no?

If I was being honest, I could easily say that I’ve been emotionally abused the last five years. My health has been affected, to the point where I was unable to hold a pen because of the involuntary trembles; I suffer panic attacks and have severe anxiety. I no longer have the spiritual health I used to have because I’m simply fighting day-to-day. That being said, it does not allow me – in my opinion – to leave my wife because she is behaving in such odd ways – things that were not part of her nature for the first 20 years of marriage.

In the case of simply emotional abuse, things that do not have life threatening consequences, are we not simply to bear our cross? Do we not have to refrain from the selfish desire to get “free” of this and instead pray our spouse will change or seek help?

I would like to hear what people think, especially in light of the easy use of the “E” bomb in posts. I would say that we are bound to withhold from tossing Emotional Abuse around as a code word and only use it in the horrible cases we’ve seen too much of. A harsh, cold, distant, controlling or manipulative person may not be pleasant, but they are not like the real monsters out there.

Thoughts?

Just because emotional abuse doesn’t harm you physically doesn’t mean it’s not severe.

Emotional abuse (of the kind you described in your “not serious” list) can destroy a person’s mental health. Damage to your mind is worse in my opinion than bruises and broken bones.

If your wife treats you so terribly that you now have anxiety and panic attacks, you need to leave. I am not saying you need to divorce and remarry, I am saying you need to leave and live somewhere where you are safe. It’s not about being “free”, it’s about protecting your health.

 

[Bailey2]

"things that were not part of her nature for the first 20 years of marriage."

To me, the sentence above says it all. This doesn’t sound like abuse. This sounds like illness of some kind, physical, emotional, spiritual … whatever it is. Something needs to be checked out; perhaps in all three areas of her life starting with medical. I sincerely hope you can get her help and you too.

 

[flyingfish]

"things that were not part of her nature for the first 20 years of marriage."

To me, the sentence above says it all. This doesn’t sound like abuse. This sounds like illness of some kind, physical, emotional, spiritual … whatever it is. Something needs to be checked out; perhaps in all three areas of her life starting with medical. I sincerely hope you can get her help and you too.

Just because she didn’t do it in the past doesn’t mean it’s not abuse.

Who knows what is causing her to act that way, people change, sometimes people change for the worse. Maybe there is some reason for her behavior, maybe there isn’t.

The point is that the OP is misguided in his views and his letting his mental health be ruined by his wife because he feels he can’t leave her.

Are there children in this marriage? Their mental health is likely being damaged too, even if she doesn’t lash out at them directly. Simply witnessing that kind of hell will harm them.

 

[Bailey2]

Wasn’t quite saying that but regardless the “why,” help is needed way past this forum. Prayers.

 

[LongingForLight]

My husband was severely depressed last year, and seperation was starting to be discussed. He was clearly not being physically abusive, but in retrospect I can see that his behavior was, in fact, abusively neglectful (and, towards me, cruel with attempts at being controlling) - even if he did not intend for it to be so.

I would recommend three steps to anyone dealing with innapropriate behavior from a spouse (whether it’s labelled “emotional abuse” or not). Please note that I am not a professional, this is just based on my experience, and you should take it only as my experience of what worked for me. Nonetheless, I think it is a good recommendation.

First, I tried to fix anything that might be wrong with myself. I tried to see if my behavior could be instigating the problem in any way, and I eventually had my own health checked. It turned out that I was iron deficient, which can cause insomnia, anxiety, and depression - and any of those can impair judgement or encourage co-dependent behavior, such as not talking to a spouse about their bad behaviors but instead blaming yourself, or ignoring the harm to your children. **I would suggest that this step should probably be skipped if you are in a real emergency **- if there are death threats, if there are children being severely harmed, or so on.

As my own health recovered, and with it my judgement, I realized that I was not holding my husband to a high enough standard and the children were actually being seriously harmed over time by his neglect. This led to **the second thing I did: I placed my own long-term emotional welfare into God’s hands, and then examined the harm to others being affected by this situation. ** When I did this, I realized that my husband’s behavior actually harmed the children and himself more than it harmed me. He was suffering greatly because he felt so incapable, useless, and hopeless, and every time he failed and I didn’t say anything he just felt worse. The children were being severely neglected, as he was a SAHD and was doing nothing to care for them but feeding them and clothing them. Clearly, action needed to be taken for their sake - not just for mine. Removing myself from the equation really helped me see more clearly, and I was surprised to see that things looked more severe when I took myself out of the picture - not less.

Finally, I determined what actions I could take that might solve the problem, and determined which of those actions would not cause harm that was disproportionate to the original problems. Then I started working through those solutions, starting with the most likely to work and least harmful, but knowing how far I was willing to go to fix these problems. In this case, I decided to start by insisting that my husband either attend marriage counseling with me (I would go by myself regardless) and seek personal therapy for himself, or go spend a week at his parents to give him family some time to recover from his behavior. Fortunately, he chose counseling, and I didn’t need to consider my next step, which probably would have been seeking legal counsel to determine my options to protect the children from his behavior. I was especially motivated once I realized that long-term, his behavior would cause more harm than a divorce. That frightened me into being very assertive. The counseling, my support for his good behavior and refusal to accept his bad behavior, and his own desire to be a better spouse and father was all that was needed, though.

Anyways, this process worked very well for me in discerning whether or not I should accept my husband’s behavior, or treat it as abusive and inappropriate and seek for solutions. It turned out that DH had severe depression, probably with underlying dysthymia (chronic mild depression), but he recovered quickly once I got myself to a point where I could insist that his behavior was innapropriate and unhealthy (as charitibly and lovingly as possible). He is much healthier and happier now, and is once again a loving, dependable husband and father.

As for what should be called “emotional abuse” . . . I think it’s fair to say that there is mild abuse, moderate abuse, and severe abuse. My guess is that many people experience mild emotional abuse, but just because it’s mildly abusive doesn’t mean it shouldn’t be responded to. Any abuse calls for action, but the action must be proprotionate. You shouldn’t treat a toothache with a sledgehammer, and mild passive-aggression, for example, doesn’t deserve divorce.

Prayers for you in your situation. Your wife’s behavior does not sound healthy, and I think she has some real problems that she needs help with. Please learn about co-dependence and enabling, and consider if these terms might apply to you. If she is behaving in an unhealthy fashion, you need to take care of yourself enough that you can help her. If you are not mentally and emotionally stable, you will not be able to have the objectivity and confidence that you will need to encourage her to make the right choices and to help her return to health and healthy behaviors. You can acknowledge that her behaviors are harming both of you while still loving her and while being a good husband, especially with all the professional help and advice that are available these days. And don’t forget your priest and spiritual director!

 

[dulcissima]

To the OP. Your paragraph that describes all that is going on in your marriage does indeed sound like emotional abuse to me…especially if it has been going on for a long time and is the norm in your relationship with your wife. You really should not put up with it or consider it your cross to bear. I think that Longing for Light just gave some really great practical advice as far as steps that you can take.

The reason that I don’t think putting up with that is just your cross to bear is because that would be contrary to your vocation. You are letting down your marriage and your spouse to allow such destructive behavior patterns to persist. I know, because I used to be the wife who thought that her patience and ability to endure would save her husband. Not so. I only made it so much worse by removing the consequences for such harmful and destructive behavior. What incentive would my now ex have had to improve if I just continued to accept the unacceptable? It took my priest telling me to leave and giving me a deadline to make me see that change, scary as that was, was what was needed.

As to whether or not things can be salvaged with your wife that is dependent upon her and also upon what is behind her behavior, whether it was due to her upbringing or a more recent trauma. Depression was mentioned, and the symptoms for severe depression do include angry mood swings. Has your wife had something traumatic happen to her in recent years, something she hasn’t been able to bounce back from? I think if that is the case, there is a lot more reason to hope. Also, I would ask if it is possible that she has a substance abuse or alcohol problem as that is a complicating factor in people with anger and control issues.

I once told my counselor that she was only hearing my side of the story. She said she didn’t need to hear the other side. I understand better now what she meant. Once you really understand abuse, you start hearing the little bits and pieces of what is going on, enough to understand the pattern, then you know what all of the missing pieces probably are. It is shocking how almost identical in MO abusers are. There is nothing original in what they do. So, knowing their side of the story is almost a given, even without hearing it from them. Sad but true.

I know I tend to be one that waves the “abuse” flag around on here a lot, but I at least do ask questions to try to get a better perspective on the overall picture.

As a side note…I do think that what some women do, withholding sex for long periods, is a very powerful form of abuse against men.

 

[Bailey2]

LongingforLight, you said it better than I. Wise words. Hopefully will help the above situation. Blessings and prayers.

 

[neverleft]

I see a lot of posts, particularly about marriage and divorce, that reference Emotional Abuse. It seems to me that this term is thrown about quite cavalierly and is also used to justify giving someone the grounds to leave a marriage.

Before I go farther, I want to separate what is clearly over-the-line from this discussion. There are plenty of people, most of them women, who have been the victim of real abuse; abuse that just happens to be in the form of emotional control and manipulation. These women have been lied to about every aspect of their lives and had their safety and health threatened by the men who practiced this form of abuse. I’m not suggesting that their pain is not real, nor that they did not (do not) have grounds to leave the marriage.

The things I’m talking about are much less severe: a controlling spouse, a spouse who denigrates you, demeans you, refuses to let you have a say in the decision making or who continually threatens to divorce or leave if his/her wishes are not met. A spouse who may withhold affection, sex, affirmation or compassion if you don’t accede to their wishes. A spouse who cannot accept your right to have equal standing in the marriage. This type of person is not going to be capable of participating in a good/quality marriage, but that does not mean that we should counsel the person to leave or separate, does it? A marriage is more that just being happy, no?

If I was being honest, I could easily say that I’ve been emotionally abused the last five years. My health has been affected, to the point where I was unable to hold a pen because of the involuntary trembles; I suffer panic attacks and have severe anxiety. I no longer have the spiritual health I used to have because I’m simply fighting day-to-day. That being said, it does not allow me – in my opinion – to leave my wife because she is behaving in such odd ways – things that were not part of her nature for the first 20 years of marriage.

In the case of simply emotional abuse, things that do not have life threatening consequences, are we not simply to bear our cross? Do we not have to refrain from the selfish desire to get “free” of this and instead pray our spouse will change or seek help?

I would like to hear what people think, especially in light of the easy use of the “E” bomb in posts. I would say that we are bound to withhold from tossing Emotional Abuse around as a code word and only use it in the horrible cases we’ve seen too much of. A harsh, cold, distant, controlling or manipulative person may not be pleasant, but they are not like the real monsters out there.

Thoughts?

 

[EasterJoy]

So the larger argument is what are we called to bear?

You ask a fair question, and one that is very difficult to answer. The reason is that there is a continuum of emotional treatment from healthy to soul-killing. It also isn’t like physical mistreatment, where you can see the marks, where there is blood, where you can see in the X-rays where there are recent breaks that were unfortunately laid directly upon badly-mended injuries incurred before the marriage. As you well know, though, all these things have their parallel in the heart and in the soul. In fact, it is becoming more and more clear to medicine that injuries to the heart and soul have a severe impact on the body, as you know too well, it would seem. Unfortunately, another parallel with physical abuse is that emotional abuse can be something that the victim does not know he or she does not deserve. Worse yet, the abuser can inflict terrible damage without any appreciation of the tremendous damage he or she is doing.

As you have said, there are things that are objectively abusive, whether it is physical or emotional treatment. I think you would agree that there isn’t a case where someone would be justified in breaking their wife’s arm, and then going on as if nothing happened. If you broke her arm, either you are an abuser or she was such a threat to your life and limb that she was. There are parallels in emotional treatment. You can’t say the victim didn’t give as good as she got, but you can know that what she got went far over the boundary of what is ever appropriate in marriage.

Here are some red flags from your first post:

a controlling spouse
a spouse who denigrates you, demeans you
refuses to let you have a say in the decision making
who continually threatens to divorce or leave if his/her wishes are not met
who may withhold affection, sex, affirmation or compassion if you don’t accede to their wishes
A spouse who cannot accept your right to have equal standing in the marriage

These are not the marks of a marriage. With the exception of some stubbornness on a few decisions here and there, which most marriages find a way to accomodate here and there–that inevitable human stubbornness which some marriage experts say couples must find a way to willingly accomodate, in order to reach the highest levels of success–these are unacceptable in any degree. If either you or your wife do these things, you are violating your vow to “love you and honor you all the days of my life”. If you allow these things, you are providing your spouse with a near occasion of sin.

A marriage is more that just being happy, no?
Do you care about her happiness? I know you are trying to sacrifice yourself for her sake, but there is no way that your wife is happy treating you like that. Sin never makes us happy. If your spouse is in sin, of course you absorb some of the consequences. That is admirable. What you can’t do is give carte blanche to the habit of sin. There is no way to sell that as loving behavior.

*My health has been affected, to the point where I was unable to hold a pen because of the involuntary trembles; I suffer panic attacks and have severe anxiety. I no longer have the spiritual health I used to have because I’m simply fighting day-to-day

In the case of simply emotional abuse, things that do not have life threatening consequences, are we not simply to bear our cross?..

Do we not have to refrain from the selfish desire to get “free” of this and instead pray our spouse will change or seek help?*

Your doctor will tell you that the kind of stress you are describing would absolutely be expected to take years off of your life. It would be expected to be killing you just as surely as clogged arteries. The truth is, a person whohas far worse arteries than you do, but who is habitually in a relaxed and peaceful emotional state, might have a longer life expectancy than you do. I know who I’d put my money on.

This is the biggest red flag, though:
That being said, it does not allow me – in my opinion – to leave my wife because she is behaving in such odd ways – things that were not part of her nature for the first 20 years of marriage…A harsh, cold, distant, controlling or manipulative person may not be pleasant, but they are not like the real monsters out there.

Your wife wasn’t always like this? She wasn’t like this for 20 years of marriage? Doesn’t that concern you? That is like having a wife who used to run 2 miles a day who now won’t get off the couch!

The truth is, in a normal marriage, hurtful behaviors get less and less frequent, because the couple learns how to treat each other in a way that will be perceived favorably.

I am very, very concerned about you, but I am also extremely concerned about your wife. She used to be a happy person? What happened? Don’t you want her to enjoy life as she used to do? I will tell you: there isn’t a spouse in the world who is happy with the change of going from harmony to strife.

Do you see that getting free of this won’t just free you, but would free her, as well? Please, as much as you love her–and you must, if you’re willing to endure so much to honor your vows–talk to your pastor about the change that has gradually occurred in your wife. The two of you were intended for better than this. By your account of your wife’s former way of acting, it is totally realistic to have better again. Please try to find it.

 

[EasterJoy]

I’d like to raise one other possibility with you, and it is this: When we have to take on a sacrifice for our spouses, we must make up the difference somewhere. You are right that blame is not the point. Still, suffering is not good in and of itself.

If your spouse were abusive because she has dementia, then of course you would not blame her for the things she says. Still, a daily dose of it would take its toll on you, and probably on her. If you hoped to keep her at home for as long as possible, you would be bound to get outside support for yourself. You’d need someone to talk to, someone who could assure you that it is her illness that calls you these horrible names and act as she does, that this is not something she “always thought” but finally let loose when she lost her inhibition. You’d need to know there is nothing to be done that you have not done, that you don’t deserve what you’re getting. Even if you didn’t want to do it for yourself, you’d be bound to take care of yourself for her sake.

As I wrote in my last post, I am very concerned about your wife. Maybe she has just picked up some bad habits when she went through a period of stress in her life. I can’t say, but I hope you’ll try to find out. You cannot be sacrificing your happiness for hers or your freedom for hers, because you are not describing a free and happy woman. As you love her, do not rest until you have tried everything to free her and to return to a happiness the two of you can share.

This is not even about you. It is about her. If you die, where is she going to find a friend, if she treats people like she has become accustomed to treating you? If she has an illness or emotional problem, it is only a matter of time before her bad behavior towards you begins to spill out on her other friends and relatives. If you fail to act, she could have an intensely bitter and lonely old age, and that is whether you live to see it or not.

It may happen that her problem is a deterioration that cannot be helped. In that case, please find yourself the outside support to help her bear the effects of her illness (or brain injury or whatever else, God forbid, might have happened to her formerly-sweet self). Just because you are being faithful to her doesn’t mean that your suffering is a good thing in and of itself. Your willingness to suffer must be of a benefit to someone! You are also bound to take care of the gifts God put into you. If you are reduced to the state you describe, you have lost some of what you had to give. Don’t consent to have your heart utterly broken by your crosses, when you could have borne them with the joy God intended you to have.

Rejoice in the Lord always. I shall say it again: rejoice!
Your kindness should be known to all. The Lord is near.
Have no anxiety at all,
but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving,
make your requests known to God.
Then the peace of God that surpasses all understanding
will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.

Finally, brothers,
whatever is true,
whatever is honorable,
whatever is just,
whatever is pure,
whatever is lovely,
whatever is gracious,
if there is any excellence and
if there is anything worthy of praise,
think about these things.

Keep on doing what you have learned and received and heard and seen in me.
Then the God of peace will be with you.
Phil 4:4-9

If you don’t have that, even in your trials, get some help.

 

[gretahope]

Don’t make excuses. Just because you’ve chosen to stay or think you can endure decades of this abuse, don’t try to denigrate those who flee so their children can grow up in a measure of peace and safety and so they don’t lose the one parent who hasn’t surrendered to complete evil. Please understand we’re not throwing any words around carelessly.

Very well said. I can speak as a child who endured this, w/ the parents NOT separating. It screws up kids. They don’t know what’s normal, or how to trust their gut…then they turn around and repeat the whole mess!

It sounds spiritual to “bear the cross”—but please be very, very sure it’s God telling you to continue…and just please explain what you’re doing to the kids, telling them what they’re seeing is wrong, unhealthy, and not God’s plan…that this is sin they’re seeing. Maybe then they have a change not to repeat it.