Emotional Affair?

[happycatholic_1]

I recently met a wonderful Catholic man at my local Catholic book store. After several encounters, we have become friends.

I am a single Catholic woman. He has been divorced for two years, with no anullment. He made it clear from the beginning that he is faithful to the Magesterium of the Church and therefore still considers himself married. (He even confessed his struggle with whether or not he should still be wearing his wedding ring.)

Having understood and accepted that we cannot approach this as dating, I have resigned myself to having a new Catholic friend who happens to be a man.

Now I’m a little confused. I read on another thread about “emotional affairs”. Since he is still bound to his wife, am I participating in an “emotional affair”? Am I being a party to anything illicit if I continue our friendship? They have been divorced two years and live over hundred miles apart. He said that until he met me, he was more or less waiting for her to begin the anullment process.

Am I assisting an occasion for sin for either of us by being friends with him?

And yes, if his marriage were anulled and he were free to marry, I would definitely want to be more than “just” a friend.

I would really appreciate some advice…and your prayers, of course!

 

[newf]

Honestly, I wouldn’t put much time into this relationship. He is NOT available. And investing in this man will keep you from finding someone who IS available.

And since he is bound to his wife, why would you even dream of having this guy for a friend?? Maybe we need to clarify what we mean as friend, but you did say you would like to date him if he were available. That is a red flag to me.

Another red flag is this comment “He said that until he met me, he was more or less waiting for her to begin the anullment process.” Puh-lease… that is a line if I ever heard one…and I wonder why he really doesn’t have an annulment, it’s probably because he has a valid marriage.

I think you need to guard your heart and leave this guy alone.

It’s hard to be single, but don’t settle for this.

 

[kaymart]

If your friendship goes beyond (even in thought) of something more then just talking or exchanging ideas on common interests, then its time back away a bit because it might lead you or him to the occasion of Sin.

 

[Orionthehunter]

I’m sure you will get a lot of advice here and it will run the gamut. I suggest taht you talk to a Priest about the situation right out of the box. He will help you define boundaries and probably give you warning signals that you need to watch for lest you both end up where you don’t want to be. This being said, all children of God need human philia love (Greek word describing the love between friends or a love of fellowship), including a man in this situation. It is eros love (love between lovers) that is exclusively reserved for our spouse. I think too often people are so afraid of sinning that they then become reclusive and don’t reach to people or only to people of their same gender. I can tell you this that the ony way I know I wouldn’t sin is to lock myself in a Eucharistic Chapel but that would be a sin because Jesus called me to be a father, husband, lover, friend and out in this world. Cast your net. Be involved. Love others.

I think emotional affairs are when the relationship causes a wife/husband begins to withhold things from their spouse or it distracts the wife/husband from responsibilities or loving their spouse. I think your Priest can help you thru whether your relationship is treading on this ground. However, you also need to make sure that this relationship doesn’t become something that distracts you from find your calling either as a wife and mother. Just food for thought.

 

[Aesq]

happycatholic:

Now I’m a little confused. I read on another thread about “emotional affairs”. Since he is still bound to his wife, am I participating in an “emotional affair”? Am I being a party to anything illicit if I continue our friendship? They have been divorced two years and live over hundred miles apart. He said that until he met me, he was more or less waiting for her to begin the anullment process.

Am I assisting an occasion for sin for either of us by being friends with him?

There is certainly nothing that keeps you from being friends with someone of the opposite sex. I am divorced. I was not Catholic at the time of the divorce but am now. I am seeking a nullity. I do not date. However, I do have many female friends even though I am male. If I were free to date might I date one of my friends. That is possible. That is not the issue. The issue is are you already dating this person but not calling it that or are you thinking of him as a dating partner even though you are trying not to do that. Only you can answer those questions. Having a male friend is not the issue. It is how you think about that friend and how you act toward that friend where the problems may come into play.

You do need to be careful. There is certainly a great possibility for pain and the occasion of sin. It does not have to be that way. It is just a risk that you need to be aware of. As a single father in the Church I have to say that I would feel very isolated if no female single or otherwise would be friends with me just because I am married still. You just need to be very careful.

 

[JESUS4LIFE]

find another u could be responsible for tempting him in a affair this would not be right before jesus

 

[happycatholic_1]

I thank each of you for your (name removed by moderator)ut. There’s nothing like seeing your own words quoted back to you, to make one pause. I appreciate your thought-out, orthodox answers, which are exactly what I was hoping to see.

Outside of the bookstore, this gentleman and I have spoken on the telephone and met each other once for the Mass. Thus I do not consider us “dating.” We are in our early 40s and have several interests and life experiences in common in addition to our precious Catholic faith.

Though it embarrasses me somewhat to admit it, I have no idea of the mechanics of “just being friends” with the opposite sex. From what I gather here, one would assume any discussions beyond superficiality (such as with a male co-worker) is flirting? It is the desire in the heart (mine, at least) to be willing to have a relationship that is more than superficial that is wrong?

I think the real question of my heart is “Ok God. All my life I’ve felt called to be a devoted wife and mother. I finally met a Catholic conservative enough for me, who shares my same temperament, interests, and significant past experiences…but this is the one off-limits?”

Please keep your responses coming, not to sort through to the ones I want to hear, rather I feel very uneducated right now.

 

[Aesq]

happycatholic:

Though it embarrasses me somewhat to admit it, I have no idea of the mechanics of “just being friends” with the opposite sex. From what I gather here, one would assume any discussions beyond superficiality (such as with a male co-worker) is flirting? It is the desire in the heart (mine, at least) to be willing to have a relationship that is more than superficial that is wrong?

I am not sure that keeping the friendship superficial is what is required. I am sure that you have more then superficial relationships with members of the same sex and they are just friends.

I think the problem for you is that it does not seem to be in the norm for you to be close friends with someone of the opposite sex and at the same time you may desire more than just friendship. That is your problem as I see it.

I have some very close friends who are members of the opposite sex, and have had all my life, most of whom I would never even have considered dating even at times when I could. The issue is can you keep it just a friendship not just in your actions but in your mind. If you can not then you will be crossing a line at some point. Only you will really know when the line is crossed and once crossed it is difficult if not impossible to step back across to the correct side of the line. There can be a great risk in this friendship as it seems out of the norm for you and as such has a great risk.

 

[YinYangMom]

It seems you already consider this gentleman as a prospective mate.

While you are still friends, which is a very important phase of any relationship, keep working on getting to know his values and beliefs. Assume nothing. If he says one thing but his behavior suggests another, call him on it, politely, for clarification.

If friends are what you are meant to be what will happen over time, after asking questions and such you will find that his answers diminish your ‘prospect’ image of him (he’ll come down the pedestal a bit), and all will be well.

If you are meant to be more than friends then it will be because he finds you to be a wonderful Catholic woman with which he would like to spend the rest of his life with and he will pursue an annulment.

But, I wouldn’t wait around for that to happen. Early on, while you’re still friends, keep pressing the annulment issue. It’s one thing for him to say he’s loyal to the magisterium and therefore considers himself to be validly married, and quite another to find out he isn’t.

He doesn’t know what to do with the wedding ring.
He still considers himself married.
Perhaps he still loves her and hopes to reconcile some day down the line (not impossible with true love).

Is he afraid to petition for an annulment because it might be approved?
Not knowing allows him to hang on to the marriage respectfully, but what if the marriage can be annulled?
Wouldn’t knowing this help him move on?
What if it gets approved and he is not able to accept the ruling in his heart?
And if it turns out the annulment is denied, then he knows with certainty that he is married to her until she dies.

These are the things you need to know before you invest any more emotion toward this man. Time, you can offer, within reason. It shouldn’t take you more than a few months to get the answers to the vital questions.

 

[LSK]

newf:

Honestly, I wouldn’t put much time into this relationship. He is NOT available. And investing in this man will keep you from finding someone who IS available.

And since he is bound to his wife, why would you even dream of having this guy for a friend?? Maybe we need to clarify what we mean as friend, but you did say you would like to date him if he were available. That is a red flag to me.

Another red flag is this comment “He said that until he met me, he was more or less waiting for her to begin the anullment process.” Puh-lease… that is a line if I ever heard one…and I wonder why he really doesn’t have an annulment, it’s probably because he has a valid marriage.

I think you need to guard your heart and leave this guy alone.

It’s hard to be single, but don’t settle for this.

GOOD ADVICE

only because, in all honesty, sometimes we (as women) tend to hope in our deepest hearts that what the man is telling us really isn’t what he really means, and that if he just gets to know us better he will change his mind, get that annullment and then we will be able to fall in love and get married and have our 14 children and live happily ever after.