Emotional affairs

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Hi, I haven’t posted much on this forum but read posts on here for years.I feel a bit of a fraud I don’t really think I believe in God any more but I know there are a lot of people on here who respect the sanctity of marriage and I have know one that I feel that I can turn to in the real world.

I’m calling this emotional affairs but I’m not sure if that’s the right term for it. Basically since boxing day last year my spouse has been on dating sites chatting up other women for what he says is the purpose to have sex with them, I know for sure he hasn’t had sex with them. He’s spoken to 3 women on the phone, 1 had a husband and when she found out about me said she didn’t want to know anymore, there was another who knows about me and seems to of made it her life ambition to take him off me for a kick. He told me that about 4 of the women he had spoken to online that he was going to leave me for them but said afterwards that he wasn’t going to really, that if I knew how much he loved me I would know that it’s a windup and basically it’s just a mid-life crisis 10 years early.

It’s basically driven me mad and over the last few days he’s stopped going on it. Why don’t I feel better? I’m just wondering if emotional affairs really mean anything is it harmless,is whether or not he has sex with them the important bit ? how can I just get over it at the moment I feel like I’m pushing him to go back onto the site and just hoping someone who has been through it can give me any advice on what I should do thanks.

BTW, not sure if it is important but he is happy for me not to do what I want to do with other guys and seems not insecure at all.
 
Keepers said:
Hi, I haven’t posted much on this forum but read posts on here for years.I feel a bit of a fraud I don’t really think I believe in God any more but I know there are a lot of people on here who respect the sanctity of marriage and I have know one that I feel that I can turn to in the real world.

I’m calling this emotional affairs but I’m not sure if that’s the right term for it. Basically since boxing day last year my spouse has been on dating sites chatting up other women for what he says is the purpose to have sex with them, I know for sure he hasn’t had sex with them. He’s spoken to 3 women on the phone, 1 had a husband and when she found out about me said she didn’t want to know anymore, there was another who knows about me and seems to of made it her life ambition to take him off me for a kick. He told me that about 4 of the women he had spoken to online that he was going to leave me for them but said afterwards that he wasn’t going to really, that if I knew how much he loved me I would know that it’s a windup and basically it’s just a mid-life crisis 10 years early.

It’s basically driven me mad and over the last few days he’s stopped going on it. Why don’t I feel better? I’m just wondering if emotional affairs really mean anything is it harmless,is whether or not he has sex with them the important bit ? how can I just get over it at the moment I feel like I’m pushing him to go back onto the site and just hoping someone who has been through it can give me any advice on what I should do thanks.

BTW, not sure if it is important but he is happy for me not to do what I want to do with other guys and seems not insecure at all.
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That’s not an emotional affair, that’s him merely lacking the means to commit an affair.
 
If you want to both continue in this marriage, could you get to marriage counseling?

Whatever happens, I would encourage you to get counseling. If he won’t go, I would ask you to consider going to individual counseling then, because I think you could benefit from it.

I don’t think this is harmless. How do you know about these near affairs? Did he tell you?
 
No, it is not yet an affair. I don’t believe he truly wishes to have an affair or he would not be telling you these things.

It is serious and cruel verbal abuse! He is harming the unity of your marriage and trying to manipulate you. You need to firmly let him know that his behavior is completely unacceptable. If you don’t, you risk him continuing and perhaps even having a real affair.

(Sirach 36:29) A wife is her husband’s richest treasure, a help like himself and a staunch support.

You deserve to be treated like his treasure! Accept nothing less!

The Duties of Married People
(Imprimatur: Patrick J. Hayes, D.D., 1921)

I. Mutual duties of husband and wife.
  1. The husband and wife owe each other love, since marriage is principally a union of heart and affection. The qualities of this love are:
    (a) it must be genuine, i.e., expressed not merely in word, but in deed;
    (b) it must be constant, i.e., it must not be diminished by time or circumstances, since they take each other for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, etc.; (c) It must be supernatural and spiritual, i.e., it must have the eternal salvation of both parties as its purpose, and must permit of nothing that would be a hindrance to their sanctification.
  2. The husband and wife must be faithful in their love and devotion to each other, and must avoid everything that can cause reasonable suspicion or jealousy. This duty obliges one as much as the other (l Cor. vii. 4).
  3. The husband and wife should never forget that the primary object of marriage is to have children.
  4. The married couple should live together in peace and harmony, for every house divided against itself must fall (Luke xi. 17).
catholicharboroffaithandmorals.com/Duties%20of%20Married%20People.html
 
I wonder how he would react if the situation was reversed?

Would he be “okay” with you doing the same thing if he was in your position of not wanting you to do such?

Why does any married person need to be on such a website?
 
No one can really explain what your husband is capable of doing beyond what you already know he is doing. I am very sorry for your situation and I assure you of thingI know for sure, this is not healthy for you to endure and it is not healthy for your marriage. Emotional affairs can easily move on to meeting each other etc. Please seek counseling for yourself as early as it is possible and try to involve your husband too. I will pray for you as often as possible.

Memorare

REMEMBER, O most gracious Virgin Mary, that never was it known that anyone who fled to thy protection, implored thy help, or sought thy intercession was left unaided. Inspired with this confidence, I fly to thee, O Virgin of virgins, my Mother; to thee do I come; before thee I stand, sinful and sorrowful. O Mother of the Word Incarnate, despise not my petitions, but in thy mercy hear and answer me. Amen.
 
Something is very wrong with this picture. This is not behavior which honors the vows of marriage. He has crossed over into dangerous territory. He should not place himself in the near occasion of sin. He must stop and not give in to the temptation. If he cannot make an emotional connection with you and needs to turn to others to get that, speak to a priest about it. Then seek a marriage counselor. Keeping you both in prayer and you struggle to live married life as God intended.
 
Your husband is emotionally abusing you. His behaviour is so wildly inappropriate that I don’t even know where to start. He may not technically be having an affair, but he is disregarding his vows for sure. And of course you don’t feel better. Your husband needs therapy ASAP.
 
I think normally when people say “emotional affair” they mean a situation where there’s inappropriate emotional intimacy (i.e. lots of professionally unnecessary texting and online contact with a “work spouse”).
 
I hope you read this.
Here is what happened to me. There is so much to tell you. First of all if you can contact
S-Anon.org, it took me a year to find them. Please just get in contact with someone there and tell your story. Your eyes will be opened. The reason I know it is what it is because I lived it and nobody can tell you what you need to know unless they have gone through it.
If you are skeptical it is an international program that leads many people to the catholic faith. But if offers hope and superior needed help for those who have been hurt by another s sexual behavior. It is the reaction that your wife had to your simple inquiry to the text. What he did is called redirection or deflection, and she acted like a child who just got caught stealing. That kind of behavior shows an explicit type of behavior that can be found in a person who is emotionally immature, definitely perfectly educated but acting like a 10 year old emotionally.
You will find the answers you are looking for. I am catholic and am in the Deaconate program and boy do I have a whopper of a story to tell to you. You can email me at detroitsanon@gmail.com or anyone else who thinks they need help. I know I have been vague but the brain plays tricks on you in the state you may be in. I know you will research what I said and will get back to me only on your terms. This is only a suggestion
 
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