A
Anglewannabe
Guest
I have been wanting to post about this for days. And for the past few nights I have been staring at my computer screen responding to other post trying to get up the nerve to write this. I must admit, I am a bit scared because in previous post where I have come here for help, some people where supportive others just uncharitable. But nonetheless, I will write with the realization some people will use this as an excuse to be mean.
I have been praying to God for emotional healing. I did not grow up on the Brady Bunch. It is like the elephant in the room, I did not realize things were unhealthy as a kid. But as a teenager, there was a traumatic event and during the aftermath, it became very obvious what went on in my home was not good.
My dad did not know how to handle the trauma and he just went to suffocating me emotionally. I did not appreciate it and I carried a lot of anger. I remember it was the era when Michael Jackson released his album Thriller. All the teenagers were trying to do the moon walk. I was in the house trying to do the moon walk and I couldn’t even innocently do that without my dad stepping in and showing me everything I was doing wrong.
I had a lot of resentment and anger towards him. As a teenager, it was my only defense. I went to school and sat in class and did my work. I did not talk to many people because I was way to shy. I felt like the class nerd.
My dad was so controlling he would go so far and to tell me all my opinions were wrong. He even didn’t like the way I applied nail polish. He insisted that you did not put it on the whole nail but only the tip which I have NEVER seen anyone do. Not even in this day where the fad is to put a different color on each nail. He told me that either I wore mail polish his way or I did not wear it at all. When I told the few friends I had about it, they all laughed saying it would look stupid and made fun of me. And made remarks that ended up making me feel like I was a looser because my dad was so unreasonable.
So, this pain slowly went away when I left home. But over the years it comes back to haunt me. I see how I chose to associate with people who were just as unreasonable, controlling and shaming as my father. ie repeating the pattern.
Well, lately, the pain has come back. Every time I say to myself ‘This time I will deal with it in a healthy way so it does not come back’. But I keep concluding that I obviously didn’t do it right last time since the pain comes back.
I do not like reliving these events. They are horrid. The way resentments pop into my head out of the blue is annoying at best. When in public it is humiliating because people see my thoughts are elsewhere and ask if I am OK.
I try my best to pray and tell God I want to forgive and I ask Him to show me the way. But I wonder how much that does and if there is not another step I am missing.
The worse part is, outside of work, this my all consuming activities. IE praying to God, reading about the Saints and reading the bible. Doing as much as I can so that God will shine His light on this. And I am starting to feel alone. I have no one to talk to about these things except for one trusted nun who is amazing. But she is going to be away for three weeks and I don’t know how I will cope
A few days ago, I called a friend I had not seen in a while. When I asked if she had time to chat, she told me she wanted to go for a walk before it got dark. I invited myself along. It was a nice walk and I enjoyed it. However, when she asked what I had been up to since we last spoke, I had nothing to add. I did not feel comfortable saying ‘well, I am working on forgiving my dad for all the cruel things he did.’ Mainly because this woman doesn’t know about my past. And frankly, I don’t think she could be much help. I enjoy her company for other reasons and accept she can not be my everything. But when all I do is pray to God and she used to be a Catholic and now calls herself an atheist because she is forever wondering ‘who is this God’, there is no point thinking she could/want to understand.
So, here it leaves me a bit clueless. How do I know this is bringing healing?
So that was my rant
Angie
I have been praying to God for emotional healing. I did not grow up on the Brady Bunch. It is like the elephant in the room, I did not realize things were unhealthy as a kid. But as a teenager, there was a traumatic event and during the aftermath, it became very obvious what went on in my home was not good.
My dad did not know how to handle the trauma and he just went to suffocating me emotionally. I did not appreciate it and I carried a lot of anger. I remember it was the era when Michael Jackson released his album Thriller. All the teenagers were trying to do the moon walk. I was in the house trying to do the moon walk and I couldn’t even innocently do that without my dad stepping in and showing me everything I was doing wrong.
I had a lot of resentment and anger towards him. As a teenager, it was my only defense. I went to school and sat in class and did my work. I did not talk to many people because I was way to shy. I felt like the class nerd.
My dad was so controlling he would go so far and to tell me all my opinions were wrong. He even didn’t like the way I applied nail polish. He insisted that you did not put it on the whole nail but only the tip which I have NEVER seen anyone do. Not even in this day where the fad is to put a different color on each nail. He told me that either I wore mail polish his way or I did not wear it at all. When I told the few friends I had about it, they all laughed saying it would look stupid and made fun of me. And made remarks that ended up making me feel like I was a looser because my dad was so unreasonable.
So, this pain slowly went away when I left home. But over the years it comes back to haunt me. I see how I chose to associate with people who were just as unreasonable, controlling and shaming as my father. ie repeating the pattern.
Well, lately, the pain has come back. Every time I say to myself ‘This time I will deal with it in a healthy way so it does not come back’. But I keep concluding that I obviously didn’t do it right last time since the pain comes back.
I do not like reliving these events. They are horrid. The way resentments pop into my head out of the blue is annoying at best. When in public it is humiliating because people see my thoughts are elsewhere and ask if I am OK.
I try my best to pray and tell God I want to forgive and I ask Him to show me the way. But I wonder how much that does and if there is not another step I am missing.
The worse part is, outside of work, this my all consuming activities. IE praying to God, reading about the Saints and reading the bible. Doing as much as I can so that God will shine His light on this. And I am starting to feel alone. I have no one to talk to about these things except for one trusted nun who is amazing. But she is going to be away for three weeks and I don’t know how I will cope
A few days ago, I called a friend I had not seen in a while. When I asked if she had time to chat, she told me she wanted to go for a walk before it got dark. I invited myself along. It was a nice walk and I enjoyed it. However, when she asked what I had been up to since we last spoke, I had nothing to add. I did not feel comfortable saying ‘well, I am working on forgiving my dad for all the cruel things he did.’ Mainly because this woman doesn’t know about my past. And frankly, I don’t think she could be much help. I enjoy her company for other reasons and accept she can not be my everything. But when all I do is pray to God and she used to be a Catholic and now calls herself an atheist because she is forever wondering ‘who is this God’, there is no point thinking she could/want to understand.
So, here it leaves me a bit clueless. How do I know this is bringing healing?
So that was my rant
Angie
