Emotional Infidelity - do I want to know the details?

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I have recently found out the my husband has been in an emotional relationship with an old girlfriend. He has been to confession and promises me that our marriage is forever and he is sorry.

But, I still have such a strong desire to know the details…I want to read the old emails, I want to know what they talked about, was he talking to her when we were on family vacations, after our date nights,??? etc.

Do I need to know to have some “closure” or should I just try to move forward in our renewed love?
 
I would not want the details. Once I hear them, I may forgive but I can never forget. Leave this in the hands of Jesus and your husband’s confessor.
 
I would have to know the gory details. If I didn´t know everything I would always wonder how bad it really was and that would drive me crazy. He should share all of the emails and messages with you if that is what you want.
 
I don’t think it would be a good idea to know the details. Such relationships are not based on reality. They are based on fantasy, so the details really are not important. The reality is that your husband realizes that his vocation is to you and wants to make things right. It is going to take work on both of your parts to get over what happened. Reading the emails and re-hashing the details would likely set you back on making progress. Perhaps in addition to marriage counseling, some individual counseling would help you work through some of the issues and process all of the hurt that you are feeling now in a more constructive way.
 
  • I’m sorry that this happened. May I ask how you discovered this?*
 
Whatevergirl,
I found out because the woman’s husband called me. What a shocking day that was! My husband confirmed it all.
 
There is someone who has seen many families through this same situation, he is your Priest. Ask him what you should do, and trust in his advice.
 
I think being the way I am, I would want to know, but I’m not sure that it would help.

I agree that you should go talk to your priest and ask for his advice, I’m sure he could help you out.
 
*Oh my gosh! :eek: I’m so sorry.

Thanks for replying.

Why does your husband have his ex gf’s email address? I wouldn’t want to know the details of what was emailed back and forth, but I would want to know how it came about, and the gist of the discussions. If my dh were having flirtatious banter back and forth with an ex gf…I wouldn’t be happy, but it’s ‘better’ for lack of a better word, than him telling his ex he still loves her, wanted her back, and wishes he wasn’t married. I would need to know the gist…that’s just me personally.

We are called to forgive, but it will take time for you to trust and heal from this. I think that is the tough thing with affairs–we are called to forgive, but I am not sure I could look at my husband as the respectable man I once married. This is just me thinking out loud. :o*
 
*I agree with talking to your priest and I will keep you in my prayers. *
 
I would like to go see my priest, but how do I approach him? We belong to LARGE parish, and if you call the office you talk to the secretary. What am I supposed to say, “I need to talk to Fr. because my husband cheated on me?” I feel like parish priests are just so busy with the school, finances, the sick, etc. etc.

Maybe I should ask him at confession? But what if my favorite isn’t hearing confession that day?

Do I make an appointment for both my husband and me? Should I go alone?

What I really need is a spiritual director or guide. How do I find one?
 
Call and make an appointment with your priest. I would go alone the first time.

I’m sorry that you found out about it the way that you did. How did the husband of the ex-girlfriend handle it? Do you know what the status of their relationship is?
 
hi tire rims,

Just call and make an appointment. Nobody is going to ask why you need to see the priest, and if they do just tell them confession. Sorry to see you’re having problems. Did your husband break it off because he was caught or had he already stopped talking to his ex? I hope everything turns out ok
 
Call the office and say “I would like to make an appointment with Father X with regard to a private matter”. No one in the office will pry, that is part of the job requirement 🙂
 
Whether or not you want to read the emails and know the details is entirely up to you and your personality-- I don’t think there’s any right or wrong answer about that.

However, I think your husband should be fully open to you and be willing to let you read (or offer to destroy, whichever you prefer) all of the communications, answer ALL of your questions, and be entirely transparent to you about the relationship.

I agree with meeting with your priest, but don’t discount some solid Catholic marriage counseling- for both of you and/or for you alone. Retrouvaille is a wonderful program, too, with follow-up sessions that could really benefit you. It saved my marriage and I recommend it to everyone I can, even those who don’t think their marriages are in “enough” trouble to warrant it. Give it a try.
 
I would look into a Retrouvaille weekend as soon as you can manage it for you both. retrouvaille.org/

And I would say no I don’t think the details would be something you want in your head for the rest of your life.
 
I am sorry that you have to go through this, this will be tough. I think that it is up to you to read or not read. I am the type of person that if I don’t know, then I always imagine the worse. But I do know that ignorance is bliss and sometimes able to forget easier. Going to the priest is good, but praying to God to show you his will can be the most help. Just listen quitely and he will show you the path.
 
Whatevergirl and dulcissima have given good advice on this. You may WANT to know the details, but you don’t need to and it probably won’t be constructive. What you now have the chance to do, however, is to seek spiritual and/or secular counseling to find out WHY this happened. That way you can strengthen your marriage so it doesn’t happen again. Please consider counseling or multiple meetings with your priest for either yourself or you and hubby together.
 
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