Emotional Intelligence

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Anglewannabe

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Through another one of my posts, Ike recommended reading about emotional intelligence. I do think the topic is a good one to learn about. Here is my problem. I got a few books from the library. Any book I pick up gives examples of how someone used their emotional intelligence to get promoted at work. And I feel that is sending the message that people can control others or even a situation. I am convinced (from experience) there is NO way I could ever change someone else. I am also convinced from practicing Catholic faith, that it is best to accept God’s will. Kind of like the serenity prayer.

For example, I read in a book that a woman was displeased with how things were going in her job so she went to her manager and told her she was displeased, showed him a bunch of solutions and got promoted to director. If I was to tell my boss how displeased I was, she would probably tell me to feel free to go home. If I was to start to show her solutions, she would roll her eyes. So obviously, following this books advice would not work.

The only thing that I know from experience that works at my job, is to gently in little ways start to do thins differently. After a while, if others think it is a good idea, they start to copy me. It eventually gets back to the boss that it was my idea. I know I get credit for it, but it also is not getting me a promotion.

All that to say, I don’t know what to make of the ‘emotional intelligence’ concept

Angie
 
Part of emotional intelligence is having an instinct for when and how your influence would be felt.
 
Allegra said:
Part of emotional intelligence is having an instinct for when and how your influence would be felt.
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Right.

There’s a non-workplace example of this in dating. Men sometimes complain that “If so-and-so does that, women LOVE it, but if I do it, it’s creepy! So unfair! Waaaah!” But that’s emotional intelligence–being able to figure out what language or actions will be acceptable in which context.
 
Allegra said:
Part of emotional intelligence is having an instinct for when and how your influence would be felt.
Click to expand...
Well, maybe that book should explain that. It does make more sense. But I also think there would be a lot of trial and error involved
 
Anglewannabe said:
Well, maybe that book should explain that. It does make more sense. But I also think there would be a lot of trial and error involved
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Yes, but think about it. People with math aptitude will see the pattern in how to solve math problems more quickly than typical people, while people without math aptitude can hardly see the pattern no matter how you draw the picture. There is a parallel in emotional intelligence. You’re not born understanding others, but some of us pick up that understanding far more quickly than others. Still others can be taught to see patterns that they would not have seen on their own.

You are emotionally intelligent enough to see that what worked for one woman with her boss is unlikely to work for you with your boss. Why? Because by your emotional intelligence you have come to be able to predict how your boss is going to react or respond to what you do. Sure, it is possible that you are making mistakes in how you approach your boss because you lack perception of what makes your boss tick and how to work around the challenges this presents. It is also possible, however, that you have a boss that no one with any business or emotional or any other kind of intelligence is going to want to work for. The comic strip Dilbert would not be as popular as it is if all bosses could be counted on to respond positively when it is in the best interest of the company, right?

Having emotional intelligence is also not the same as having charisma. Understanding and being able to predict other people’s intuitive reactions or emotional responses in terms of how those are likely to guide their perceptions and actions is not the same as having a talent for manipulating others. There is often overlap, but those are two different things.
 
Anglewannabe said:
Through another one of my posts, Ike recommended reading about emotional intelligence. I do think the topic is a good one to learn about. Here is my problem. I got a few books from the library. Any book I pick up gives examples of how someone used their emotional intelligence to get promoted at work. And I feel that is sending the message that people can control others or even a situation. I am convinced (from experience) there is NO way I could ever change someone else. I am also convinced from practicing Catholic faith, that it is best to accept God’s will. Kind of like the serenity prayer.

For example, I read in a book that a woman was displeased with how things were going in her job so she went to her manager and told her she was displeased, showed him a bunch of solutions and got promoted to director. If I was to tell my boss how displeased I was, she would probably tell me to feel free to go home. If I was to start to show her solutions, she would roll her eyes. So obviously, following this books advice would not work.

The only thing that I know from experience that works at my job, is to gently in little ways start to do thins differently. After a while, if others think it is a good idea, they start to copy me. It eventually gets back to the boss that it was my idea. I know I get credit for it, but it also is not getting me a promotion.

All that to say, I don’t know what to make of the ‘emotional intelligence’ concept

Angie
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The idea behind emotional intelligence is that in our normal head, the emotional functions and the intellective mind are separated, so that they do not work together. Therefore even the best minds can fall flat in emotional situations.

The goal is to raise awareness of one’s own and others’ emotional states, so as to be able to make use of them, rather than being blindsided by them.

AIUI.

ICXC NIKA
 
Anglewannabe said:
It eventually gets back to the boss that it was my idea. I know I get credit for it, but it also is not getting me a promotion.
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Your not getting promoted may have more to do with company policies, internal politics, fiscal discipline and perhaps some other things than emotional factors of the kind you’re analysing.
Xantippe said:
Right.

There’s a non-workplace example of this in dating. Men sometimes complain that “If so-and-so does that, women LOVE it, but if I do it, it’s creepy! So unfair! Waaaah!” But that’s emotional intelligence–being able to figure out what language or actions will be acceptable in which context.
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Actually, there’s more to that. With the opposite sex, how much you can get away with depends on how attractive you are. And what you would call ‘emotional intelligence’ is not unlikely just skill at the game (or even outright manipulation — and women give themselves too much credit for the ability to see through and resist that), maybe with a touch of natural talent. That still technically falls under the definition of ‘emotional intelligence’, but it’s hardly a respectable skill to have.

For the record, men are not the only one of the two sexes to have a propensity for socially inappropriate behaviour while dating or in other social contexts. They just tend to get away with it more easily, because men are too tactful to bring it up with them (and perhaps more tolerant of it, too) and women don’t often seem to be exceedingly capable of critical reflection about the propriety of their own behaviour.

So that’s it for the alleged advantage of the prettier sex in social aptitude, sorry. And I say this as a socially and etiquettally conservative person with traditional upbringing, who needs to overcome basic inhibitions to even say something critical of a woman or women.
 
chevalier said:
And I say this as a socially and etiquettally conservative person with traditional upbringing, who needs to overcome basic inhibitions to even say something critical of a woman or women.
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Well, you seem to well and truly have overcome your basic inhibitions!
 
chevalier said:
Yup. Took me some work but was worth it.
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Too bad, I thought you were an actual reasonable man who saw women as individual PEOPLE, not a mass of femininity with no real distinguishing characteristics the way most of the “Waaah, why can’t I get women to date me, women are so evil” types do.

Lumping ALL women together as being easy prey for manipulation by a “player”, or " exceedingly capable of critical reflection about the propriety of their own behaviour" doesn’t seem very emotionally intelligent to me.
 
chevalier said:
Actually, there’s more to that. With the opposite sex, how much you can get away with depends on how attractive you are.

**And being attractive and knowing exactly how attractive you are to the other party requires emotional intelligence.
**
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@Xantippe: ‘Knowing’ yes. Just getting away with things because of a handsome look and air of confidence? Not really.
ToeInTheWater said:
Lumping ALL women together as being easy prey for manipulation by a “player”, or " exceedingly capable of critical reflection about the propriety of their own behaviour" doesn’t seem very emotionally intelligent to me.
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Now that you’ve taken care to emphasize the ‘all’ in your comment please take care to also find it in the source post and show me where I said that. 😉
 
Allegra said:
Part of emotional intelligence is having an instinct for when and how your influence would be felt.
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Yes, and Angelwannabe described it in her own way.

Another aspect of E.I. is interpersonal awareness as in conversational awareness. Have youu ever had a conversation with someone who just goes on and on about themselves and what is going on in their lives and never ask about you? Very self involved individuals who don’t even notice you getting bored? It is amazing sometimes. They are completely unaware… or do not care about you.
 
Michael_Mayo said:
Yes, and Angelwannabe described it in her own way.

Another aspect of E.I. is interpersonal awareness as in conversational awareness. Have youu ever had a conversation with someone who just goes on and on about themselves and what is going on in their lives and never ask about you? Very self involved individuals who don’t even notice you getting bored? It is amazing sometimes. They are completely unaware… or do not care about you.
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Right.

I’ve occasionally been in a restaurant next to a couple on an obvious first date, and it’s amazing how often one person (of whichever sex) will think it’s OK to do 85+% of the talking.

(I know that some people babble when nervous, but still–this is pretty basic. Ask some open-ended questions, people!)
 
Loly_Maria said:
What do ‘attractive’ men ‘get away’ with that other men don’t?
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Potentially everything. Definitely compliments and innuendo or outright asking someone out but also proposals such as spending time together outside of a public space or something that could make people think that the man and the woman are in a relationship together.

And not just men — it’s the same with women. Attractive women also get away with more. And less attractive or, say, shorter girls, have to work harder, just like the less attractive men.

Regardless who of us is male and who is female, people we’re attracted to (and to a lesser extent people whom we only consider attractive but don’t really feel the attraction) get away with more.

We’re more tolerant of their faults, and we are more forgiving of all the things they do wrong (in some cases we seem to think nothing they can do could possibly be wrong). If we aren’t sufficiently impressed with someone (not just attraction but e.g. social class), the same advances as would be otherwise welcome will now be tedious, creepy, overly clingy, too presuming etc. Our reception of other people’s advances always has something to do with our boundaries, and we loosen those boundaries more for people we are more attracted to, have more in common with etc.

Naturally, a strictly moral person will reject improper advances regardless of personal attraction to the impropriately acting person, but such upright people with strong discipline are an exception, not the general rule.
 
For example, an attractive-looking man (not just static looks but also comportment, not just what meets the eye but also his voice etc.) with a somewhat polished manner will typically succeed at getting a dance with a stranger, taking a phone number from a young woman on a bus, or asking someone out despite only short acquaintance. But a plain guy wouldn’t succeed at the same attempts unless he made up with confidence what he lacked in looks.

Similarly, in some circles rough men, projecting more strength, will get away with more, since they are perceived as more agreeable or desireable there.

Just like we go to greater lengths to win people we’re more strongly attracted to or see as more worthy of being pursued than the usual, we will also be more tolerant of what they do to us when they do the pursuing.

Even if it doesn’t actually work, the backlash against a less acceptable or desireable candidate’s advances will be worse than if he (or she) failed our threshold just barely.
Xantippe said:
Right. Is it really “getting away with” something if women actually like it? (Whatever “it” is?)
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Yes, in the context I use the phrase it can be. It means avoiding the unpleasant consequences of something that would normally incur them. You can get away with something you did because, for example, you’re too popular to mess with, but also because people actually liked what you did. So yes, ‘getting away with’ it is.
 
chevalier said:
For example, an attractive-looking man (not just static looks but also comportment, not just what meets the eye but also his voice etc.) with a somewhat polished manner will typically succeed at getting a dance with a stranger, taking a phone number from a young woman on a bus, or asking someone out despite only short acquaintance. But a plain guy wouldn’t succeed at the same attempts unless he made up with confidence what he lacked in looks.

Similarly, in some circles rough men, projecting more strength, will get away with more, since they are perceived as more agreeable or desireable there.

Just like we go to greater lengths to win people we’re more strongly attracted to or see as more worthy of being pursued than the usual, we will also be more tolerant of what they do to us when they do the pursuing.

Even if it doesn’t actually work, the backlash against a less acceptable or desireable candidate’s advances will be worse than if he (or she) failed our threshold just barely.
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Just because ‘more attractive’ (or confident, charismatic, ect) people are more likely to get dates or phone numbers or attention doesn’t mean that they are getting away with anything, because there is nothing wrong with those things.

I may be happy to give my phone number to one man who asks for it but not to another man who asks, but I’m not letting the first man get away with anything.
 
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