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Jennie1964
Guest
I can also heartily recommend the book, Boundaries, by Dr Henry Cloud. Excellent, excellent teaching with a lot of Scripture references in it as well.
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E_7
Guest
:grouphug:
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Writer2014
Guest
I have read and truly appreciate the kind words and thought put into everyone’s messages. I’m very sorry to hear that some of you also have similar experiences where you have to cut off contact with a parent. I will be checking out some of those books after this is over. My mother is now with me for a few days 
I’ll try to get out of the house as much as possible but she has a bad temper. I mean, I can’t ask her a simple question like, “What did you think of the food?” without her getting very angry. Oh well. She’ll be gone in 2 weeks at any rate…
I’ll try to get out of the house as much as possible but she has a bad temper. I mean, I can’t ask her a simple question like, “What did you think of the food?” without her getting very angry. Oh well. She’ll be gone in 2 weeks at any rate…
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IBombAtomically
Guest
Hi Writer, I hope you have been able to survive the visit so far. Write back and let us know how it is going.
Is she only in town to see you, or does she have other business in the area (like work, other relatives to see)?
It’s a good thing you haven’t told her about the assault, since we know her reaction will be salt in the wound. I’m sorry that’s the case, because I’m sure you wish you could confide in her about those things. ((HUGS))
I’m not in the exact same situation, but my MIL is coming into town for a few days soon, and I am feeling overwhelmed at the thought (not to mention I am in the middle of a complicated pregnancy and don’t feel I can handle the stress. I’m afraid of going into premature labor again). She is textbook Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Antisocial Personality Disorder, so I can relate to the manipulation, constant lying, and broken promises. My husband has been able to make some peace with the situation by telling himself that this is who she is, and she will never change. If she says something will happen, he says “no, thanks” and if she persists, he lets it go in one ear and out the other. He assumes it won’t happen, so if it does pan out it will be a pleasant surprise. We have been fooled too many times (this is the woman who insisted she had saved up a 15% down payment for us to buy our first home with, when we were so poor and could not make a down payment. We told her no thanks, but she was so pushy and persistent that this was something very important to her, and it meant a lot to her to be able to do this for us. We adjust our budget accordingly and sign papers on a new construction house. A couple days before closing she goes MIA. Won’t answer emails or phone calls. Long story short, she never had the money. This is one small example out of a thousand stories just like it.)
If you don’t feel emotionally equipped to handle an interaction with her, give yourself permission to back away. Keep the conversation about her as much as possible. When you catch her in a lie, weigh the options. Should you call her out on it? What are the chances she’ll admit to lying, and what are the chances she’ll start doing a bunch of mental gymnastics to justify herself, or just plain get angry, or turn it around on you? Sometimes, personally, I will refrain from engaging in the lie, and just say flatly “Ok.” then change the subject. Or I’ll say “And that certainly might have happened. But…” then change the subject. You know her, and you know how much frustration you can handle right now. If she begins to insult you, visualize yourself separating from it, and holding the negativity away. Don’t engage. Don’t contradict it if you don’t feel up to the backlash. Respond as neutrally and in as few words as possible, and change the subject back to her.
Remember, with her you cannot win. She doesn’t play by the same rules as the rest of us. If you have a special patron saint, pray that they be with you during the visit, and focus on protecting your peace.
I will pray for you, friend! Please pray for me, too.
(Edited to correct typos and add an extra thought)
Is she only in town to see you, or does she have other business in the area (like work, other relatives to see)?
It’s a good thing you haven’t told her about the assault, since we know her reaction will be salt in the wound. I’m sorry that’s the case, because I’m sure you wish you could confide in her about those things. ((HUGS))
I’m not in the exact same situation, but my MIL is coming into town for a few days soon, and I am feeling overwhelmed at the thought (not to mention I am in the middle of a complicated pregnancy and don’t feel I can handle the stress. I’m afraid of going into premature labor again). She is textbook Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Antisocial Personality Disorder, so I can relate to the manipulation, constant lying, and broken promises. My husband has been able to make some peace with the situation by telling himself that this is who she is, and she will never change. If she says something will happen, he says “no, thanks” and if she persists, he lets it go in one ear and out the other. He assumes it won’t happen, so if it does pan out it will be a pleasant surprise. We have been fooled too many times (this is the woman who insisted she had saved up a 15% down payment for us to buy our first home with, when we were so poor and could not make a down payment. We told her no thanks, but she was so pushy and persistent that this was something very important to her, and it meant a lot to her to be able to do this for us. We adjust our budget accordingly and sign papers on a new construction house. A couple days before closing she goes MIA. Won’t answer emails or phone calls. Long story short, she never had the money. This is one small example out of a thousand stories just like it.)
If you don’t feel emotionally equipped to handle an interaction with her, give yourself permission to back away. Keep the conversation about her as much as possible. When you catch her in a lie, weigh the options. Should you call her out on it? What are the chances she’ll admit to lying, and what are the chances she’ll start doing a bunch of mental gymnastics to justify herself, or just plain get angry, or turn it around on you? Sometimes, personally, I will refrain from engaging in the lie, and just say flatly “Ok.” then change the subject. Or I’ll say “And that certainly might have happened. But…” then change the subject. You know her, and you know how much frustration you can handle right now. If she begins to insult you, visualize yourself separating from it, and holding the negativity away. Don’t engage. Don’t contradict it if you don’t feel up to the backlash. Respond as neutrally and in as few words as possible, and change the subject back to her.
Remember, with her you cannot win. She doesn’t play by the same rules as the rest of us. If you have a special patron saint, pray that they be with you during the visit, and focus on protecting your peace.
I will pray for you, friend! Please pray for me, too.
(Edited to correct typos and add an extra thought)
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chefmomster2
Guest
Teach her how to treat you.
You don’t have to accept her “bad temper”. Inform her very respectfully, “I will not speak to you until you can talk to me in a nice way.” Then, IMMEDIATELY her, and enter another room, closing the door behind you. Ignore her protests and do not come out until she has remained quiet for 5 minutes. Then, return and treat her normally.
This will happen repeatedly. Never return yelling or disrespect. Don’t give up! Do it EVERY time using the same words every time. She will learn, or she will leave.
You don’t have to accept her “bad temper”. Inform her very respectfully, “I will not speak to you until you can talk to me in a nice way.” Then, IMMEDIATELY her, and enter another room, closing the door behind you. Ignore her protests and do not come out until she has remained quiet for 5 minutes. Then, return and treat her normally.
This will happen repeatedly. Never return yelling or disrespect. Don’t give up! Do it EVERY time using the same words every time. She will learn, or she will leave.
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Writer2014
Guest
Hi, I haven’t read what you wrote yet IBombAtomically, but I will read it soon.
I want to ask you guys…why do you think my mother does this? I’m sorry if I’m repeating myself but I really don’t understand why and it’s very frustrating.
She said we could bring the dog when we went to the temple. At that time, she said, but I’m afraid the dog isn’t allowed on the train and bus. So I told her the dog IS allowed on the train and bus and she said okay, then we can bring it.
Now she’s saying we can’t bring the dog although nothing has changed, nothing new has come up. If something new had come up, I would understand, but the conditions are exactly the same.
She is saying “the train ride is long.” I told her we could take the faster train, but she ignored me. Then she said it’s rude to bring a dog cage on a train and I told her, but you didn’t say anything about this when you promised we could bring the dog. And I also told her that trains have specific areas for people to hold bigger objects, even a bike. She ignored this. It’s frustrating because the reasons she’s giving are things she knew about in advance.
This is like when she said she was going to get something fixed in the house. I was expecting that to happen and was quite pleased about it. Then she said “Sorry but we can’t do that because we won’t KNOW the person fixing it.” But you knew that in the first place! You knew all along that you don’t personally know any plumbers.
Then I told my aunt about it and my aunt was like “But it’s less convenient with the dog, you should understand.” I do understand, but it’s about keeping a promise. I explained to her that my mother had no new information but she chose not to keep her word but my aunt just kept saying that expecting people to keep their promises is stubborn of me. I kept telling her that it’s frustrating when someone says something and doesn’t keep their promises and she said I was wrong for feeling that way. Is she being irrational or am I just crazy?
I want to be the bigger person and spend time with her because I feel like I should do it, but I have a lot of anger towards her. I don’t know how to get rid of this anger and negative feelings that she blatantly lies and then is completely unashamed, blaming ME when I try to ask her about it in a rational way.
I want to ask you guys…why do you think my mother does this? I’m sorry if I’m repeating myself but I really don’t understand why and it’s very frustrating.
She said we could bring the dog when we went to the temple. At that time, she said, but I’m afraid the dog isn’t allowed on the train and bus. So I told her the dog IS allowed on the train and bus and she said okay, then we can bring it.
Now she’s saying we can’t bring the dog although nothing has changed, nothing new has come up. If something new had come up, I would understand, but the conditions are exactly the same.
She is saying “the train ride is long.” I told her we could take the faster train, but she ignored me. Then she said it’s rude to bring a dog cage on a train and I told her, but you didn’t say anything about this when you promised we could bring the dog. And I also told her that trains have specific areas for people to hold bigger objects, even a bike. She ignored this. It’s frustrating because the reasons she’s giving are things she knew about in advance.
This is like when she said she was going to get something fixed in the house. I was expecting that to happen and was quite pleased about it. Then she said “Sorry but we can’t do that because we won’t KNOW the person fixing it.” But you knew that in the first place! You knew all along that you don’t personally know any plumbers.
Then I told my aunt about it and my aunt was like “But it’s less convenient with the dog, you should understand.” I do understand, but it’s about keeping a promise. I explained to her that my mother had no new information but she chose not to keep her word but my aunt just kept saying that expecting people to keep their promises is stubborn of me. I kept telling her that it’s frustrating when someone says something and doesn’t keep their promises and she said I was wrong for feeling that way. Is she being irrational or am I just crazy?
I want to be the bigger person and spend time with her because I feel like I should do it, but I have a lot of anger towards her. I don’t know how to get rid of this anger and negative feelings that she blatantly lies and then is completely unashamed, blaming ME when I try to ask her about it in a rational way.
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Miserissima
Guest
You can’t explain why your Mom behaves the way she does without knowing her life story. It could be behavioral, it could be chemical, it could be biological. And this story isn’t about her life, it’s your life.
You can’t fix her or understand her any more than you do.if you look for reasons to understand her, after all of these years, you may be looking for a way top excuse her behavior. Don’t.
All you can control is your own reaction, with as much grace as you can muster.
Don’t argue. Don’t discuss logistics of taking the dog. Just have your plan ready and say, “this is what we are going to do.”
Don’t engage the crazy.
You’re going to have everything but the kitchen sink thrown at you about the dog. The dog isn’t the issue. The issue is the power struggle between you two.
Every time you engage the craziness, you are forking over your control of mundane decisions, such as your pet escort. Every time you don’t give in, the guilt will eat you alive until you can step back and be as objective as possible. Again, it’s not about communication, it’s about control.
You will not win in her mind. Remember Ordinary People (book or movie)? The Mom had a limit on her capacity for affection. It didn’t make her evil or a defective person, but there came a time when the people around her had to stop struggling with her inabilities…as hurtful as it was, the rest of the characters found peace.
You can’t fix her or understand her any more than you do.if you look for reasons to understand her, after all of these years, you may be looking for a way top excuse her behavior. Don’t.
All you can control is your own reaction, with as much grace as you can muster.
Don’t argue. Don’t discuss logistics of taking the dog. Just have your plan ready and say, “this is what we are going to do.”
Don’t engage the crazy.
You’re going to have everything but the kitchen sink thrown at you about the dog. The dog isn’t the issue. The issue is the power struggle between you two.
Every time you engage the craziness, you are forking over your control of mundane decisions, such as your pet escort. Every time you don’t give in, the guilt will eat you alive until you can step back and be as objective as possible. Again, it’s not about communication, it’s about control.
You will not win in her mind. Remember Ordinary People (book or movie)? The Mom had a limit on her capacity for affection. It didn’t make her evil or a defective person, but there came a time when the people around her had to stop struggling with her inabilities…as hurtful as it was, the rest of the characters found peace.
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Miserissima
Guest
As for the “she did this before and it’s maddening Berkshire,” you know what to expect from your Mom. Although it may be no less hurtful this time than last time, you need to develop boundaries and positive reinforcements for yourself when you don’t engage.
As for your aunt, her perspective is different. By saying Rt you expect too much, she has effectively steamrolled your conviction, but not without reason: she must know how your Mom is, too, and may be saying, “Stop resisting. You’re the only one hurting.”
As for your aunt, her perspective is different. By saying Rt you expect too much, she has effectively steamrolled your conviction, but not without reason: she must know how your Mom is, too, and may be saying, “Stop resisting. You’re the only one hurting.”
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lily22
Guest
run away and become a writer
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AussieTrish
Guest
I’m not sure why you get hopeful when your mother says she will pay for something, like providing your deposit or getting your plumbing fixed. Why wouldn’t you just say quietly and calmly, “no thanks Mom” and don’t give in to hope even if she insists and protests. You already know she pulls out from the offer each time. If you must say more, just say politely and quietly, “but you never do help financially the times you offer, you always change your mind. So no thank you Mom.”
It may not be that your mother knows beforehand she will let you down, she may speak from impulse and then when she thinks about it she regrets the offer. She may be anxious for your approval at one level, but lacks the fortitude to carry it through. You know your mother’s ways so I guess you’ll learn not to fall into the traps. I wonder if your mom is of a nervous disposition and her anxiousness to please is always battling with her caution.
I have a small loud personal alarm that would scare off the most intrepid attacker. I think you may need to invest in a personal alarm to carry with you and make sure emergency numbers are keyed into your cell phone. You could even buy a couple of alarms and have one on your person, another in your purse or bag, for those occasions where the dog cannot accompany you.
It isn’t always convenient to take a dog with you. I can understand that it might not be convenient for a long train ride, and potentially upsetting for your dog to be put in a cage in a separate place. If your dog needs to relieve himself it could be distressing for him/her to have to go in the cage.
God grant peace to your mom and you.
I hope you will enjoy the rest of your time together.
God bless
It may not be that your mother knows beforehand she will let you down, she may speak from impulse and then when she thinks about it she regrets the offer. She may be anxious for your approval at one level, but lacks the fortitude to carry it through. You know your mother’s ways so I guess you’ll learn not to fall into the traps. I wonder if your mom is of a nervous disposition and her anxiousness to please is always battling with her caution.
I have a small loud personal alarm that would scare off the most intrepid attacker. I think you may need to invest in a personal alarm to carry with you and make sure emergency numbers are keyed into your cell phone. You could even buy a couple of alarms and have one on your person, another in your purse or bag, for those occasions where the dog cannot accompany you.
It isn’t always convenient to take a dog with you. I can understand that it might not be convenient for a long train ride, and potentially upsetting for your dog to be put in a cage in a separate place. If your dog needs to relieve himself it could be distressing for him/her to have to go in the cage.
God grant peace to your mom and you.
I hope you will enjoy the rest of your time together.
God bless
C
chefmomster2
Guest
There could be all sorts of reasons. She speaks before she thinks, she has “control issues”, she likes to jerk your chain… Who knows? Sometimes our search for “Why?” is actually a “Tell me something that will make this ok.”
I find I do best when I assume it is not intentionally meanness when people do thoughtless things. It makes me feel better to be positive. What good does it ever do to believe that thorn in your side was stuck in intentionally? It hurts enough that it’s there.
Remember, you can’t change her. It’s hard enough for us to change ourselves! The only thing you can do is accept the fact that this is how she is. Once you have fully accepted it, you will cease to be surprised by it and you will not have unrealistic expectations. This will help to minimize your hurt feelings. You can also set up some healthy boundaries.
Beyond that, just love her. My son once had a “bad boy” in class sitting next to him all semester in first grade. The boy would pinch him, scribble on his work, etc. I told him that he didn’t have to take all of that. He replied, “Mom, he wouldn’t be so mean if somebody just loved him. He’ll do better tomorrow.” Out if the mouths of babes!
(BTW, I had the teacher change my son’s seat. My job was to love my son!"
I find I do best when I assume it is not intentionally meanness when people do thoughtless things. It makes me feel better to be positive. What good does it ever do to believe that thorn in your side was stuck in intentionally? It hurts enough that it’s there.
Remember, you can’t change her. It’s hard enough for us to change ourselves! The only thing you can do is accept the fact that this is how she is. Once you have fully accepted it, you will cease to be surprised by it and you will not have unrealistic expectations. This will help to minimize your hurt feelings. You can also set up some healthy boundaries.
Beyond that, just love her. My son once had a “bad boy” in class sitting next to him all semester in first grade. The boy would pinch him, scribble on his work, etc. I told him that he didn’t have to take all of that. He replied, “Mom, he wouldn’t be so mean if somebody just loved him. He’ll do better tomorrow.” Out if the mouths of babes!
(BTW, I had the teacher change my son’s seat. My job was to love my son!"
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Writer2014
Guest
My mother scares me. Yesterday she told me that I was the one who was a liar because once I was going to go with her to eat but cancelled. That was because I got very sick. I don’t see how that compares to her promising things she never intended to follow through with.
Then she said I was a liar because I promised to look up some information for her about a certain city and I didn’t do so. However, I remember my phone conversation with her. I told her several times, “Could you please ask your sister? She lives in that city and I’m not sure where to start, to find that information.” She said she understood and she would ask her sister instead. But now she was yelling at me and saying I was denying that I promised to look it up when I never said that.
I feel scared, I have anxiety and fear and I feel it in my stomach. I’m really scared right now…it’s not that I think she’s going to physically harm me, but I just feel very scared of her…does that make sense…
Then she said I was a liar because I promised to look up some information for her about a certain city and I didn’t do so. However, I remember my phone conversation with her. I told her several times, “Could you please ask your sister? She lives in that city and I’m not sure where to start, to find that information.” She said she understood and she would ask her sister instead. But now she was yelling at me and saying I was denying that I promised to look it up when I never said that.
I feel scared, I have anxiety and fear and I feel it in my stomach. I’m really scared right now…it’s not that I think she’s going to physically harm me, but I just feel very scared of her…does that make sense…
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Mandychu22
Guest
Honestly, you need to remove yourself from the situation (or ask your mother to leave). Is there a friend’s house you can crash at? Can you afford a hotel?
I know it’s your home, but if you ask her to leave you’ll probably have to be prepared to back it up with a call to the police… which is a difficult thing to do when it’s your mother.
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Writer2014
Guest
It’s ridiculous that your mother offered the mortgage without you even asking, when she didn’t even have it >< Can’t understand it…
An update: Now my mother is saying we can bring the dog…so I guess it’s actually going to happen, will keep you updated. I was feeling quite anxious earlier. My dog is my life partner and I don’t want to be with my mother alone at the temple, on the way to the temple, etc.
An update: Now my mother is saying we can bring the dog…so I guess it’s actually going to happen, will keep you updated. I was feeling quite anxious earlier. My dog is my life partner and I don’t want to be with my mother alone at the temple, on the way to the temple, etc.
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IBombAtomically
Guest
Well, that is a relief she has changed her mind about the dog. My only advice would be to prepare yourself for her to change her mind again, probably at the last minute. Think ahead of time what you’ll do in that case. Maybe carefully weigh the pros and cons of even going on this trip. What would be the benefit vs. how much stress would it cause to be alone with your mother for that long of a period, so far away from home that you can’t get away from her?
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Writer2014
Guest
So we ended up going to the temple yesterday with the dog…yeah it was pretty stressful…my mother always tells everyone she meets that I can’t speak any Chinese, despite the fact that it was my first language, I spoke it at home, and I worked at exclusively Chinese speaking places, etc. Every time I go somewhere, I know she’s going to say it, and it’s embarrassing and hurtful because I’m pleased that I can speak Chinese.
Then when I ask her why she said that, she says she didn’t mean it, and it just slipped out. Well, if you didn’t mean it, why do you say that to everyone, right in front of me? Obviously, she did intend to say it…things don’t just randomly come out of people’s mouths…I truly do not know how it benefits her to lie about me, the Chinese isn’t the only lie she’s said about me but it’s just one example. She also told my neighbour that I was mentally ill and unstable as well
I hang out with that person every day…fortunately I don’t think she believes her…
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SJG1759
Guest
I agree. Your mother may let you down, but the Blessed Mother never will!
As far as why your mother is the way she is, only God knows. Finding reasons for her behavior may turn into finding excuses for her behavior, and that means she will continue to run roughshod over you. You can’t fix her; you can only deal with her as she is.
My aunt is similar to your mother in that she makes up disgusting lies about people in order to draw attention to herself. I eventually had to quit speaking to her because she would never admit to any wrongdoing and whenever she was confronted about her behavior, she would blame everyone else. “Well, my ex-husband did some awful thing 20 years ago, and that’s why I was forced to tell that story about your dad having an affair!” (My dad didn’t do any such thing!!)
My aunt lives 1000 miles away, so it was pretty easy for me to cut her off, but I still think of her often and pray for her. She is family and I care about my family. However, I also care about being a good wife to my husband and fulfilling my other obligations, and I can’t do that if I’m always having to deal with my aunt’s tantrums and lies. Some people have to be loved from a distance.
I’ll pray for you!
W
Writer2014
Guest
Thank you very much for your prayers…I’m sorry your aunt said that about your dad…:’( Good she lives far away
I’ve lost several friendship because of my mother. I was feeling really low about my mother’s behaviour and I confided in people but they just said something like “I’m sure she’s just showing you tough love” or they laugh about it, assuming it can’t possibly be that bad and that because she’s my mother, it must mean she’s nice to me and I’m just overreacting. While I was at a very sensitive state, people saying things like I was making it up, whatever, really rubbed me the wrong way so those friendships ended…they should have been more understanding but I do blame my mother for spreading discord in my life…Recently I lost a friendship of 3 years…granted she wasn’t a very good friend of me…but still…
I’ve lost several friendship because of my mother. I was feeling really low about my mother’s behaviour and I confided in people but they just said something like “I’m sure she’s just showing you tough love” or they laugh about it, assuming it can’t possibly be that bad and that because she’s my mother, it must mean she’s nice to me and I’m just overreacting. While I was at a very sensitive state, people saying things like I was making it up, whatever, really rubbed me the wrong way so those friendships ended…they should have been more understanding but I do blame my mother for spreading discord in my life…Recently I lost a friendship of 3 years…granted she wasn’t a very good friend of me…but still…
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