Emotionally Abusive Parent

[ToeInTheWater]

Hi everyone, I’ve been away for a while and I don’t even know if anyone can help me, but I really am becoming quite stressed about my father. We have never had a good relationship, and while it has “improved” recently it’s only because I’ve gotten better at keeping my mouth shut.

He is very hypercritical of everyone, so I try not to take it personally. He is the kind of person that everyone “walks on eggshells” around because he is very moody and can get angry over very little things. If he goes to a restaurant, he expects food to be prepared within 5-10 minutes, otherwise he will start drumming his fingers on the table and checking his watch every 2 minutes.

If we go shopping, he demands we just buy what’s on the list and go home immediately and not dawdle around wasting time-- unless, of course, something catches HIS eye that’s not on the list, then of course there’s nothing wrong with him checking it out.

My sister has moved many miles away from home to avoid him and has openly told my mother that if she were her, she would have left him long ago. Unfortunately I live much closer to my parents and am stuck being responsible for them. They are in their early 70s but reasonably healthy so far. But who knows how long that will last.

I’m sure many people will suggest counseling and I have gotten counseling before, indeed it took such counseling to realize my father is an abusive person. I thought I’d come to peace with how he is, but I guess not.

 

[pensmama87]

Hi everyone, I’ve been away for a while and I don’t even know if anyone can help me, but I really am becoming quite stressed about my father. We have never had a good relationship, and while it has “improved” recently it’s only because I’ve gotten better at keeping my mouth shut.

He is very hypercritical of everyone, so I try not to take it personally. He is the kind of person that everyone “walks on eggshells” around because he is very moody and can get angry over very little things. If he goes to a restaurant, he expects food to be prepared within 5-10 minutes, otherwise he will start drumming his fingers on the table and checking his watch every 2 minutes.

If we go shopping, he demands we just buy what’s on the list and go home immediately and not dawdle around wasting time-- unless, of course, something catches HIS eye that’s not on the list, then of course there’s nothing wrong with him checking it out.

My sister has moved many miles away from home to avoid him and has openly told my mother that if she were her, she would have left him long ago. Unfortunately I live much closer to my parents and am stuck being responsible for them. They are in their early 70s but reasonably healthy so far. But who knows how long that will last.

I’m sure many people will suggest counseling and I have gotten counseling before, indeed it took such counseling to realize my father is an abusive person. I thought I’d come to peace with how he is, but I guess not.

Why do you have to be responsible for them?

If he’s reasonably healthy, does he need you to accompany him to the store, or to restaurants?

Making peace with how someone is does not mean permitting them to mistreat you or the others around you. It might mean you have to make peace with not being around them as much as you’d like if that kind of behavior doesn’t exist.

I’ve made peace with the fact that my father gets really angry while watching sports on television. That doesn’t mean at 1pm on Sunday I’m going to sit next to him in the living room when he turns on the game. It means I’m going to make sure I’m never, ever around on Sunday afternoons.

 

[KiwiBliss]

Hi everyone, I’ve been away for a while and I don’t even know if anyone can help me, but I really am becoming quite stressed about my father. We have never had a good relationship, and while it has “improved” recently it’s only because I’ve gotten better at keeping my mouth shut.

He is very hypercritical of everyone, so I try not to take it personally. He is the kind of person that everyone “walks on eggshells” around because he is very moody and can get angry over very little things. If he goes to a restaurant, he expects food to be prepared within 5-10 minutes, otherwise he will start drumming his fingers on the table and checking his watch every 2 minutes.

If we go shopping, he demands we just buy what’s on the list and go home immediately and not dawdle around wasting time-- unless, of course, something catches HIS eye that’s not on the list, then of course there’s nothing wrong with him checking it out.

My sister has moved many miles away from home to avoid him and has openly told my mother that if she were her, she would have left him long ago. Unfortunately I live much closer to my parents and am stuck being responsible for them. They are in their early 70s but reasonably healthy so far. But who knows how long that will last.

I’m sure many people will suggest counseling and I have gotten counseling before, indeed it took such counseling to realize my father is an abusive person. I thought I’d come to peace with how he is, but I guess not.

Try praying the St. Dymphna Novena. She protects and heals the “nervous and mental afflictions” (catholic.org)- aka: emotional/physical abuse. She was abused & killed by her father.

Another suggestion is to make an appointment to speak with a priest (local parish) or thru confession (‘loving too much’- perhaps asking the Lord to love moderately where you don’t feel obligated to do too much for others/parents).

Recently, I posted a prayer request for my Mom located here:
forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=1020669 (it reminded me somewhat of what you’re going thru). No one has suggested she do counseling or family counseling- she’s passive-aggressive at home where no one but Dad & I see it.

I hope & pray that your father lets go of what’s keeping him from loving you & your family. When he puts you in an uncomfortable position, whether that be to take care of them or do what they ask, perhaps close your eyes & ask Christ for peace & mercy & then pray for Him- God will show you the Way, the Truth, and the Light. Everything’s going to be okay. God’s got you covered. You are not alone.

Thanks for opening up your concerns.

 

[Hatikvah]

Still honor your parents (Exodus 20:12) and obey their commands (Ephesians 6:1). Know that Jesus understands being like us, having been a human Himself (Hebrews 4:5). He will always listen to your prayers (1 John 5:14-15).

Forgive your parent (or, at least be willing to), show compassion and love insofar as it is possible. You do not need to go anywhere with your parent (unless if you’re a minor like me, then it’s your duty and responsibility; you’re stuck for now).

You don’t even need to talk to your parent if you don’t want to. Once you’re ready to leave, stable and set, you are your own person – accountable to no one but morality, God and the state. And yet, God still says to honor your parents… so do that if you are capable.

Pensmama’s advice is on-spot!

Making peace with how someone is does not mean permitting them to mistreat you or the others around you. It might mean you have to make peace with not being around them as much as you’d like if that kind of behavior doesn’t exist.

 

[Hatikvah]

You must honor your parents, obviously. It’s in the Ten Commandments! Yet, the “honor thy father and thy mother” commandment must be interpreted.

According to the teachings of the Catholic Church, the commandment to honour father and mother reveals God’s desired order of charity [love]–first God, then parents, then others.

The Church teaches that adult children have a duty to honour their parents by providing "material and moral support in old age and in times of illness, loneliness, or distress."

[Source for both]

Is your father ill, lonely or in distress? If you answer no, you have no obligation. Do you love your father above other, non-relatives? If yes, then you have no obligation to work on that relationship with love.

If you are an adult child, you’re free! You can leave at will. If your father becomes ill or sick or in distress, you only have an obligation to help if you know that he is any of those. If you don’t know, how can you help?

Remember, it is God that keeps morals, not men, not the state. You are only accountable to God, His standards, and yourself.

Saints Cosmas and Damian (twin brothers and martyrs) are the saints for protection of children and children at home.

 

[MSSheBear]

I am wondering why the OP is going shopping and to restaurants with her father if he is healthy and only in his 70’s. I mean if he is going to be obnoxious and burst into anger who would want to be with him? If he was older and had health problems the OP might need to go shopping for him.

When that happens, OP, insist your sister take up her share of the burden. Otherwise you will end up resenting your sister.

 

[ProdglArchitect]

Hi everyone, I’ve been away for a while and I don’t even know if anyone can help me, but I really am becoming quite stressed about my father. We have never had a good relationship, and while it has “improved” recently it’s only because I’ve gotten better at keeping my mouth shut.

He is very hypercritical of everyone, so I try not to take it personally. He is the kind of person that everyone “walks on eggshells” around because he is very moody and can get angry over very little things. If he goes to a restaurant, he expects food to be prepared within 5-10 minutes, otherwise he will start drumming his fingers on the table and checking his watch every 2 minutes.

If we go shopping, he demands we just buy what’s on the list and go home immediately and not dawdle around wasting time-- unless, of course, something catches HIS eye that’s not on the list, then of course there’s nothing wrong with him checking it out.

My sister has moved many miles away from home to avoid him and has openly told my mother that if she were her, she would have left him long ago. Unfortunately I live much closer to my parents and am stuck being responsible for them. They are in their early 70s but reasonably healthy so far. But who knows how long that will last.

I’m sure many people will suggest counseling and I have gotten counseling before, indeed it took such counseling to realize my father is an abusive person. I thought I’d come to peace with how he is, but I guess not.

As a few others have pointed out, unless there is a substantial health reason, you should not be needing to care for your father at this stage of life. If he’s reasonably healthy, then he shouldn’t need you around to go shopping with him. If he claims to need you then, honestly, I’d bet it’s an attempt to retain control over you. Even though you live close, I’d stop going over unless there’s substantial reason and need for you to. If you want to get together with your mom, invite her out to lunch.

I’ll echo Hatikvah’s statements. You are not dishonoring your father by refusing to put up with this emotionally abusive behavior. You owe it to yourself to get out of an abusive situation. We must honor or mother and father, true, but that does not require that we endure abuse in order to do so.

 

[1ke]

I’m sure many people will suggest counseling and I have gotten counseling before, indeed it took such counseling to realize my father is an abusive person. I thought I’d come to peace with how he is, but I guess not.

He may have an undiagnosed mental illness or personality disorder.

I am sorry that you feel responsible for them, you are not. Certainly do what you can to care for them when the time comes, but do not take the full burden on yourself. Your sister should help also, and if skilled care becomes needed-- then that is what is needed. You do not have to be an in home caregiver for your parents.

Discuss with your mom, if your dad is not reasonable, what plans THEY have made for their care if/when it becomes necessary. Don’t leave this to chance and don’t be afraid to talk about it. You need to know what their financial position is, whether they have long term care insurance, and trust/will/power of healthcare documents set up.

 

[ToeInTheWater]

Thanks for all the replies.

Yes, I do know that “honor your parents” is not the same as obeying them or allowing them to abuse you. I do try to limit my visits home to once or twice a month, but then I start to feel I am punishing my mother, who I do have a much better relationship with.

My father did technically have a “mini stroke” a few years ago but with no apparent lasting effects. He does however use that as justification for a lot of things in terms of “needing help”. He has been a hypochondriac for a long time even before that, though, and it’s not that his behavior and judgment is any worse than when I was a child, if anything it may be a bit better. He does not scream and yell as much as he used to back then.

I should also mention that my father probably is at least a “problem drinker” if not an actual alcoholic. This certainly explains much of his behavior, I am sure, but that makes me feel guilty for not being patient with him, I feel that perhaps he cannot help the way he is, and that I should be more forgiving and less judgmental.

I also must admit I do feel frustrated with my mother at times, for it seems she enables him to act the way he does, she will also lay guilt trips on me to spend more time with them.

 

[MSSheBear]

If he is drinking alcohol then he is responsible for the changes it causes in his behavior and people do not need to excuse bad behavior because of it. If he can get in the car and drive safely and not forget where he is then he can go shopping alone.

I can imagine you are getting frustrated with your mother if she has been enabling this behavior. By some chance does she tell you that you need to put with this because, well he is your father? And that you need to come over because she needs some time without him?

 

[ConfusedLucy]

I think all you can do is have boundaries with people like this and keep them in your prayer life. Is there anything you can do alone with your mother or would going shopping and letting him go home when ready and staying longer with your mother be an option.

 

[EasterJoy]

…My father did technically have a “mini stroke” a few years ago but with no apparent lasting effects. He does however use that as justification for a lot of things in terms of “needing help”. He has been a hypochondriac for a long time even before that, though, and it’s not that his behavior and judgment is any worse than when I was a child, if anything it may be a bit better. He does not scream and yell as much as he used to back then.

I should also mention that my father probably is at least a “problem drinker” if not an actual alcoholic. This certainly explains much of his behavior, I am sure, but that makes me feel guilty for not being patient with him, I feel that perhaps he cannot help the way he is, and that I should be more forgiving and less judgmental.

I also must admit I do feel frustrated with my mother at times, for it seems she enables him to act the way he does, she will also lay guilt trips on me to spend more time with them.

Hmmm…since he complains about the lasting effects of his stroke, is it possible that he will allow you to talk to his physician about what he can and can’t do? How long since he’s been evaluated? There is such a thing as a silent stroke that does brain damage but is not noticed by the patient or his family. Where there was a stroke you know about, there could also have been strokes you don’t know about. (Yes, mental status changes sometimes make people easier to deal with, rather than harder. I knew a dementia patient who became much sweeter when she didn’t have the buttons to keep track of slights any more…)

Of course your parents are responsible when they violate your boundaries. You might go to your library and check out “Co-Dependent No More” by Melody Beattie. Just as parents have to do with young adults who insist on doing things their own way, adult children likewise have to allow their still-legally-capable parents to choose their own way and the consequences of the way they choose.

For instance, you may say you’ll only visit your parents at times when your dad will not have been drinking. That’s a boundary you are allowed to have. If they try to “guilt trip” you out of reasonable boundaries–I mean, putting undue pressure on you, not merely trying to negotiate a compromise–that is called manipulation. When that is done by someone with their full faculties, it is a sin, and you should not feel compelled to give them near occasions to commit it. When someone who is edging into dementia does it, you still need to keep your boundaries. They may suffer in ways that they do not fully understand, but that suffering comes from their mental disorder–from having lost the ability to connect cause and effect correctly–not from the firmness you have because of your mental stability.

If you have keys, then while you are shopping with your parents it is also up to you to either refuse to be manipulated by his complaining, name-calling, or what have you or else to choose to take it and bear it as your choice instead of as his.

It was not your fault when he abused you as a child and it is not your fault when he does it now. When someone tries to manipulate you, then that is on them or on their mental disorder. Your responsibility is to maintain your boundaries and to respect what are legitimately theirs. You really need to have support until you’ve learned the coping strategies that will help you to navigate manipulative tactics from other. Even then, I will bet that leaning on trusted friends or a therapist to debrief will be one of the coping strategies you will find useful. In other words: be strong, but don’t try to get through this alone. There is help at there, so there is no need for that.

 

[Elena321]

Is your dad like this when he’s not drinking or is he nicer?
As Easterjoy mentioned,strokes can sometimes cause lasting personality change (sometimes not even recognised by a doctor) but you mentioned he was like this when you were a child too.
Some people are just mean/angry because they wish to be but perhaps could it be possible that your dad was having silent strokes even when you were young,or perhaps he had Depression or PTSD as these can cause irritability in some people?

Do you know why he drinks so much?Like is it just for fun or is it rather he’s drinking to try to cope with something?