Emotionally abusive SIL demanding a 3-hour ride

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AClaire11

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I really need some objective advice right now because everyone here is freaking out.

Background: My sister-in-law introduced me to my husband when we were friends, but then quickly decided she disliked me once her parents showed interest in getting to know me. Since that point, she had been extremely emotionally abusive, to the point where when I visited for Christmas two years ago, I spent most of the time hiding from her in the guest room. She constantly provokes arguments and talks down to people, and has gone as far as to call me a race traitor for watching anime. She also constantly puts down my husband and insults him. When he was about to propose before being deployed, she figured it out and literally yelled at him for two hours, making him late to meet me, and making us almost miss the bus we had to take. His parents are completely oblivious and take her side EVERY TIME.

Current situation: My MIL’s aunt died a few months ago, and the memorial service will be next weekend. Not sure whether it makes a difference, but neither my husband nor me had ever met her or her daughter, my MIL’s cousin. Before I knew when the memorial would be, I told her that I would be available to drive her if my husband was stuck at work, because she’s from the Midwest and we’re on the East Coast, and the funeral is the next state over from us. I was hoping to visit my alma mater and see the last of my college friend group graduate, but it turned out to be the same weekend. I gave that up so I could be there because my husband said she would be offended if I wasn’t there. Today she told us that she decided to invite the SIL, and that they’ll both be staying in the restaurant across the street. I am absolutely not going to spend 3 hours each way in a car ride with my SIL, but my husband still feels obligated to drive them. He tried to bring up his sister’s actions, and his mom told him that we can both go f*** ourselves and hung up on us. So far we have not been able to get in touch with his dad. (His mom does not have a license, and we’re not sure if his 23yo sister can rent a car.) Now it’s too late to change my plans re: graduation, and I am a complete mess at the idea of having to face his sister.

My husband says we can’t refuse to drive them without completely alienating his parents, but I feel like he just keeps giving in whenever his mom wants something unreasonable. How should we deal with this??
 
AClaire11 said:

“I gave that up so I could be there because my husband said she would be offended if I wasn’t there. Today she told us that she decided to invite the SIL, and that they’ll both be staying in the restaurant across the street.”

MIL does not get to invite an extra person along when she’s not providing the transportation. Hosts are the people who get to invite guests. If she wants to invite whoever she wants, she can provide the transportation. There are such things as buses and taxes, and it sounds like dad may be available to drive.

“I am absolutely not going to spend 3 hours each way in a car ride with my SIL, but my husband still feels obligated to drive them. He tried to bring up his sister’s actions, and his mom told him that we can both go f*** ourselves and hung up on us.”

I guess the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree…

“So far we have not been able to get in touch with his dad. (His mom does not have a license, and we’re not sure if his 23yo sister can rent a car.) Now it’s too late to change my plans re: graduation, and I am a complete mess at the idea of having to face his sister.
My husband says we can’t refuse to drive them without completely alienating his parents, but I feel like he just keeps giving in whenever his mom wants something unreasonable. How should we deal with this??”

Ideally, you would both bail on the drive idea. Who else would you drive for a 6-hour round trip after she cussed you out?

I would suggest one of two options:
  1. Your husband drives these two lovely ladies by himself and you stay home. (Not my favorite)
  2. You both stay home and they can find their own way there and back. (The best solution, but may be impossible if your husband is not on board)
I think you can live with either of these. If your husband goes with #1, he’s the only one who is going to suffer much, so that’s reasonable.

Best wishes!
 
AClaire11 said:
Today she told us that she decided to invite the SIL, and that they’ll both be staying in the restaurant across the street. I am absolutely not going to spend 3 hours each way in a car ride with my SIL, but my husband still feels obligated to drive them. He tried to bring up his sister’s actions, and his mom told him that we can both go f*** ourselves and hung up on us.
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Stay home and let them find their own way to the memorial service - or not - whatever.

I wouldn’t spend a single minute with anyone who spoke to me like that; neither should you - life is far too short.
My husband says we can’t refuse to drive them without completely alienating his parents, but I feel like he just keeps giving in whenever his mom wants something unreasonable. How should we deal with this??
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You need to be a team, you need to stick up for each other, and you need to agree on what your limits are.
 
My husband could do whatever he felt obligated to do vis-a-vis driving his mother. I would stay home or drive separately and go to my friend’s graduation.

I would under NO circumstances drive my MIL and SIL anywhere, ever.

And, I would insist my husband discuss the situation (at another time) with his parents, lay down his boundaries (which include you, he, and behavior towards you) and then let them make their choices.

In the future, f they choose options that involve abusive behavior towards you, then you and he will choose to make other plans for holidays, not be present for events, to leave if abuse starts, to hang up the phone if inappropriate language is used, to pull over the car and eject them, or whatever is appropriate at the moment, etc.

You cannot change other people’s behavior. But you CAN change your own. Thus far you have attempted to avoid problems by taking abuse. That stops now, Claire.
 
I’m shocked that your mother-in-law would speak in such an appalling way to you.

However, already your sister-in-law in the way she responded to your husband’s intention to marry you…
I sure wouldn’t want this family anywhere near my future children.

It’s understandable that your husband doesn’t want to lose his family, but hopefully he will learn to put you first.

Heaven knows what you’ll face when you see his sister and his parents after this latest blow-up, if you decide to go, but I’ll be praying they will be fair and reasonable, (it doesn’t seem likely) and more, that your husband will clearly and definitely back you up.

I don’t think anything you can do regarding this family can help. They’re not nice people. Sometimes such a family has one lovely person, who appears to be your husband, but he must decide his loyalties lie with you if his family remain unreasonable (worse than unreasonable.)

Our thoughts are with you.
 
I don’t know why I’m responding this way, but it might be fun.
  1. Play Praise and Worship Music at a reasonably loud volume and sing to all the ones you love. SHOUT to the LORD all the EARTH…
  2. Play a Divine Mercy Chaplet prayer (in song) and take out your rosary beads and go for it.
  3. Pray the Rosary and instead of saying Holy Mary Mother of God Pray for (INSERT NAME OF PEOPLE) now and at the hour of their death. (Insert their names frequently)
  4. Download three or four mp3’s of previous Catholic Answers, especially one’s like Ray Guarendi’s Forgive me father, but these people are driving me nuts.
Around five years ago I was in an emotionally charged drive. I was taking a woman into recovery. She was in a very fragile state. I played music that would touch her soul and it was a very successful drive.

God Bless you. Think about this, Saints are made by doing something that seems to be impossible, but with God’s help, becomes a miracle.

LOVE and PEACE to your soul.
 
It would seem you’re not the only one the family feels free to abuse.
AClaire11 said:
…his mom told him that we can both go f*** ourselves and hung up on us. So far we have not been able to get in touch with his dad…
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Your husband offered to drive your MIL, not your SIL. Inviting your SIL without consulting you or your husband was your MIL’s mistake, not your husband’s. In any event, if she doesn’t call back, you two may assume she’s found another way to the event. She told you where to go, and it is not in the direction of the funeral. That is what I would assume, until she lets you know otherwise.
AClaire11 said:
…I am a complete mess at the idea of having to face his sister…
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Then don’t. Either find a different way to get to this event, or else don’t go at all. (The deceased is, after all, someone you have never met.)
AClaire11 said:
My husband says we can’t refuse to drive them without completely alienating his parents…
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Your husband’s last contact with his mom was when she yelled an obscene suggestion at him and hung up. The ball is in her court. Maybe *his parents *should be the ones worried about completely alienating the two of you? Grown men do not have to let anyone talk to them like that, not even their mothers.

Your husband didn’t refuse to drive them. He started talking to his mother about his sister’s treatment of his wife, and his mother got abusive, rejected the whole thing, and hung up on him. She is not taking his calls. She’s the one who’s called it all off, not her son. It was gracious of him to try to call her, but there gets to be a point where you let someone who will have nothing to do with you have nothing to do with you. He is free to quit trying to call her, and let her call him. Whether he insists on an apology is up to him, but under no circumstances should he tolerate that kind of treatment again.

It will not harm her or your relationship with her for your husband to let her know that he’ll only take so much, even from his mom. He’s taken enough. No one ought to expect more than what he has done.
 
marlap2 said:
I don’t know why I’m responding this way, but it might be fun.
  1. Play Praise and Worship Music at a reasonably loud volume and sing to all the ones you love. SHOUT to the LORD all the EARTH…
  2. Play a Divine Mercy Chaplet prayer (in song) and take out your rosary beads and go for it.
  3. Pray the Rosary and instead of saying Holy Mary Mother of God Pray for (INSERT NAME OF PEOPLE) now and at the hour of their death. (Insert their names frequently)
  4. Download three or four mp3’s of previous Catholic Answers, especially one’s like Ray Guarendi’s Forgive me father, but these people are driving me nuts.
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😃

Seriously though, I would just not drive them. Say that you don’t want to do favours for anyone who’s so rude and ungrateful. You don’t owe them anything.
 
So, his mother cannot be offended, but you can be? And you can be treated badly by his family and that’s ok with him?

What I’m saying is, when talking with your husband, you may need to turn his view around. For two decades, this was his family and he had to obey them and try to please them. Now, however, he is supposed to “leave his family and cleave unto his wife,” ie, you. If his family members offend you, he should take that seriously. If his family members are rude to you, he should take that seriously.

I do not think you are obligated to go if he decides that he is going to drive rhem up. (And you might call the organizers of the reunion/graduation–they may have a cancellation and be able to fit you in!)
 
Thank you all so much for your supportive replies and advice. I am trying to persuade my husband not to drive them, but he feels that he can’t go back on his word to drive his mom. His mom did text after a while apologizing for her behavior, and just now offered via text to pay for our cat’s medical treatments. So I guess now she’s trying to bribe us. 🤷

Graduation is kind of out of the realm of possibility now, since the plane tickets would cost $600+ and that doesn’t include the bus to campus from the airport, food, and the difficulty of finding somewhere to stay. All the hotels get booked in March or April, so I’d have to find someone’s couch to sleep on. And both the friends who are graduating are guys, so that wouldn’t really be appropriate.

FIL did finally get in touch with us and actually took our side, though he pointed out that he did warn DH that MIL would be very emotional, etc because of her aunt’s death. We’re going to see how it goes when FIL talks to MIL about everything. Even with the apology, I still feel very upset, especially after how she acted the last time she visited (basically very entitled and acted like we were her chauffeurs) so I think I’ll try to find something else to do if DH insists on driving her.
 
So this is some great aunt that you have never met and they want you to sit in the car 3 hours and put of with abuse? Tell you husband, you are not going and if he goes, then he can drive them. I’m not sure why he even has to go. Go to your reunion and have some fun.
 
AClaire11 said:
Thank you all so much for your supportive replies and advice. I am trying to persuade my husband not to drive them, but he feels that he can’t go back on his word to drive his mom. His mom did text after a while apologizing for her behavior, and just now offered via text to pay for our cat’s medical treatments.
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There is nothing wrong, and everything good about accepting apologies. Drive, or do not. Let your husband go, or not. Since it is your car, if you go, then you have every right to expect a little respect. I would have your husband address this with the SIL first and at least get here agreement to try and play nice.

Forgiving is important, as is growing a thick skin.

I just had and idea. There is a book of meditations called Imitation of Mary that is absolutely great when dealing with these type of situations. It may not fix the situation, but it would be good to meditation upon and armor yourself for the spiritual battle.
 
I wouldn’t drive them and I wouldn’t waste a moment worrying about their problem of how to get there.
 
AClaire11 said:

“I am trying to persuade my husband not to drive them, but he feels that he can’t go back on his word to drive his mom.”

He didn’t promise to take sis. Either he or he and you can drive mom, or mom and sis can go there by themselves.
 
AClaire11 said:
Thank you all so much for your supportive replies and advice. I am trying to persuade my husband not to drive them, but he feels that he can’t go back on his word to drive his mom. His mom did text after a while apologizing for her behavior, and just now offered via text to pay for our cat’s medical treatments. So I guess now she’s trying to bribe us. 🤷

Graduation is kind of out of the realm of possibility now, since the plane tickets would cost $600+ and that doesn’t include the bus to campus from the airport, food, and the difficulty of finding somewhere to stay. All the hotels get booked in March or April, so I’d have to find someone’s couch to sleep on. And both the friends who are graduating are guys, so that wouldn’t really be appropriate.

FIL did finally get in touch with us and actually took our side, though he pointed out that he did warn DH that MIL would be very emotional, etc because of her aunt’s death. We’re going to see how it goes when FIL talks to MIL about everything. Even with the apology, I still feel very upset, especially after how she acted the last time she visited (basically very entitled and acted like we were her chauffeurs) so I think I’ll try to find something else to do if DH insists on driving her.
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He wants to drive his mom, it is a hard time for her and she wants him with her, so let him do it. You’ll be OK at home.

The compromise your are offering him is that he is going, while he is giving in that either you or your SIL will be coming along, but not both in the same car. If your MIL decided on her own that you can’t get there unless you ride with your SIL for six hours, after all they’ve let her get away with, then you can’t get there.

If you had gotten sick or if there had been some other conflict, you’d have just stayed home from the graduation. and from the funeral. Disappointing, but everyone would have lived. You can still do that. As for “I* gave that up so I could be there because my husband said she would be offended if I wasn’t there*,” I think that the situation is entirely different when the person you were concerned about offending took it upon herself to invite someone without asking you and then got obscene and hung up when she was questioned. If her apology is real, she can either find alternative transportation for your SIL or else cover for you not being there with her relatives. If she really regrets her behavior, that is the least she can do.

Now mind you, I’d usually tell people that they can get along with anybody for a limited amount of time, but that doesn’t apply to people who have gone out of their way to act as if they hate the sight of you. Actions have consequences. I am sure if your SIL expresses regret and a desire to mend fences with you, you’d be OK with that. As it is, she is unrepentantly offensive. No one can ask you to put up with that.
 
It’s good that your MIL apologized and her offer to pay for the cat’s expenses may be an attempt to repair or “right” her wrong.

If I were you, I wouldn’t go. Even with the graduation off the table, isn’t there something you’d rather do with your day? I’d plan a super-fun day, tell hubby you’re not going, and then go off and have your day. Shopping, lunch, coffee, bookstore, run, gym, walk, bike ride – even deep cleaning the house beats a three hour drive with this crew.

Your hubby isn’t drawing appropriate boundaries. That’s hurtful and you have every right to be upset if he drives them and doesn’t stand up for you. Whether he stands up for you or not, you have to stand up for yourself. Maybe your not going along and having a nice day to yourself will start to wake him and spur him to drawing the boundary. Even if it doesn’t, you’ll still have a nice day. Don’t berate or try to manipulate him if he drives them. Tell him you are disappointed in him and you’d hoped he’d stand up for you. It’s really hurtful. Say you have to protect your own dignity, you’d hoped he would, but, since he won’t, you must. Don’t raise your voice. Don’t engage. Then go off and have a lovely day. 🙂
 
1ke said:
My husband could do whatever he felt obligated to do vis-a-vis driving his mother. I would stay home or drive separately and go to my friend’s graduation.

I would under NO circumstances drive my MIL and SIL anywhere, ever.

And, I would insist my husband discuss the situation (at another time) with his parents, lay down his boundaries (which include you, he, and behavior towards you) and then let them make their choices.

In the future, f they choose options that involve abusive behavior towards you, then you and he will choose to make other plans for holidays, not be present for events, to leave if abuse starts, to hang up the phone if inappropriate language is used, to pull over the car and eject them, or whatever is appropriate at the moment, etc.

You cannot change other people’s behavior. But you CAN change your own. Thus far you have attempted to avoid problems by taking abuse. That stops now, Claire.
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Well stated.
 
AClaire11 said:
…His mom did text after a while apologizing for her behavior, and just now offered via text to pay for our cat’s medical treatments. So I guess now she’s trying to bribe us. 🤷 …
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This is not a matter for text messaging or email. She needs to swallow her pride, get on the phone with her son with her husband on hand, and promise that she will be the last one to hang up, no matter what happens.
 
AClaire11 said:
I really need some objective advice right now because everyone here is freaking out.

Background: My sister-in-law introduced me to my husband when we were friends, but then quickly decided she disliked me once her parents showed interest in getting to know me. Since that point, she had been extremely emotionally abusive, to the point where when I visited for Christmas two years ago, I spent most of the time hiding from her in the guest room. She constantly provokes arguments and talks down to people, and has gone as far as to call me a race traitor for watching anime. She also constantly puts down my husband and insults him. When he was about to propose before being deployed, she figured it out and literally yelled at him for two hours, making him late 6to meet me, and making us almost miss the bus we had to take. His
parents are completely oblivious and take her side EVERY TIME.quote

If you drive them you would be rewarding their mean natures.
I hate to say this but your husbsnd has no back bone, he is a people pleaser. ! That is not being a man.

Current situation: My MIL’s aunt died a few months ago, and the memorial service will be next weekend. Not sure whether it makes a difference, but neither my husband nor me had ever met her or her daughter, my MIL’s cousin. Before I knew when the memorial would be, I told her that I would be available to drive her if my husband was stuck at work, because she’s from the Midwest and we’re on the East Coast, and the funeral is the next state over from us. I was hoping to visit my alma mater and see the last of my college friend group graduate, but it turned out to be the same weekend. I gave that up so I could be there because my husband said she would be offended if I

wasn’t there. Today she told us that she decided to invite the SIL, and
that they’ll both be staying in the restaurant across the street. I am absolutely not going to spend 3 hours each way in a car ride with my SIL, but my husband still feels obligated to drive them. He tried to bring up his sister’s actions, and his mom told him that we can both go f*** ourselves and hung up on us. So far we have not been able to get in touch with his dad. (His mom does not have a license, and we’re not sure if his 23yo sister can rent a car.) Now it’s too late to change my plans re: graduation, and I am a complete mess at the idea of having to face his sister.

My husband says we can’t refuse to drive them without completely alienating his parents, but I feel like he just keeps giving in whenever his mom wants something unreasonable. How should we deal with this??
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