Emotionally abusive SIL demanding a 3-hour ride

[lily22]

get the heck away from this wicked witch.

 

[SecretCatholic]

I am trying to persuade my husband not to drive them, but he feels that he can’t go back on his word to drive his mom. His mom did text after a while apologizing for her behavior, and just now offered via text to pay for our cat’s medical treatments. So I guess now she’s trying to bribe us.

I wonder, if your husband’s mom had promised him a ride and your husband cursed and hung up the phone on his mom in the subsequent conversation, would he expect that she would still “keep her promise” and “give him a ride”?

This is not a matter for text messaging or email. She needs to swallow her pride, get on the phone with her son with her husband on hand, and promise that she will be the last one to hang up, no matter what happens.

 

[mommy_k]

I agree with the other posters, that you do not have to go. This is how we handle things like this.

We usually have an excuse ready. For drive like this-i would have piled a lot of stuff in the car, and said there is no room for everyone. Not completely honest, not a lie as there would be stuff there on that day.

I have learned over the years to come up with benign reasons when dealing with manipulative people to avoid arguing and keep peace.

 

[LongingSoul]

He tried to bring up his sister’s actions, and his mom told him that we can both go f*** ourselves and hung up on us.

I’ve honestly never heard of a mother who would speak that way to her son and daughter-in-law. I’m envisioning the worst sort of trailer park trash…

The way you relayed it seemed to suggest that you are used to or no longer shocked by this type of behaviour from her. Please know that this is just so unacceptable from anyone let alone someones mother. You are well within your rights to keep a very large distance between yourself and them.

 

[sallybutler]

Families always have at least one person we can’t get along with. You need to develop methods that allow you to attend family functions where they will be in attendance.

For the car ride, if you aren’t the actual driver, bring along a IPod type of device. Then you can tune everyone out. If you are the driver, concentrate on your driving. If the passenger s get too noisy, say you need to pay attention to the driving.

For family functions, mingle with others, watch the kids, help out in the kitchen. Don’t gossip with anyone who might also dislike you SIL. Actually, don’t gossip at all.

 

[madera]

I agree with the other posters, that you do not have to go. This is how we handle things like this.

We usually have an excuse ready. For drive like this-i would have piled a lot of stuff in the car, and said there is no room for everyone. Not completely honest, not a lie as there would be stuff there on that day.

I have learned over the years to come up with benign reasons when dealing with manipulative people to avoid arguing and keep peace.

that kind of peace, is not the peace of God.

 

[PennyinCanada]

I have dogs, and extended family have dogs. Over the years there have been some dogs that behaved very badly. As an outside observer, the first action to take is to stop rewarding the bad behavior. So many times owners do that without realizing they are doing exactly that.

Decide on some rules between your husband and yourself. If there’s swearing and name calling, the visit, the phone conversation, will end abruptly and politely. Make this clear when there isn’t an event about to happen, and stick to your guns. How do parents handle a young child when they have a tantrum? Certainly it’s not to offer them a cookie. Let’s hope not.

Your husband has become so desensitized to this awful behavior. Maybe he should come and read this thread and hear from others that this kind of behavior is unacceptable and should not be tolerated.

 

[Rence]

Thank you all so much for your supportive replies and advice. I am trying to persuade my husband not to drive them, but he feels that he can’t go back on his word to drive his mom. His mom did text after a while apologizing for her behavior, and just now offered via text to pay for our cat’s medical treatments. So I guess now she’s trying to bribe us.

Graduation is kind of out of the realm of possibility now, since the plane tickets would cost $600+ and that doesn’t include the bus to campus from the airport, food, and the difficulty of finding somewhere to stay. All the hotels get booked in March or April, so I’d have to find someone’s couch to sleep on. And both the friends who are graduating are guys, so that wouldn’t really be appropriate.

FIL did finally get in touch with us and actually took our side, though he pointed out that he did warn DH that MIL would be very emotional, etc because of her aunt’s death. We’re going to see how it goes when FIL talks to MIL about everything. Even with the apology, I still feel very upset, especially after how she acted the last time she visited (basically very entitled and acted like we were her chauffeurs) so I think I’ll try to find something else to do if DH insists on driving her.

I think you will be avoiding a whole lot of trouble by just letting your husband take them. If he can’t take them, then they can find their own transportation. You don’t need to be subjected to your MIL and SIL’s abuse. Just stay out of it. Seriously, would they tolerate YOU treating them the way they are treating you? I bet not.

 

[EasterJoy]

that kind of peace, is not the peace of God.

It is not OK to lie, but when manipulative people are also spiteful, staying off their radar rather than confronting them directly is the most prudent course. Some of those with these character traits will suffer three times in order to make you suffer once. It is no cowardice to give them a wide berth as quietly as possible.

The early Christians hid in the catacombs not because the Romans couldn’t find them, but because the Romans avoided going near the physical abode of the dead. It is OK to put yourself in a place where your would-be tormentors would rather not venture.

 

[EasterJoy]

I think you will be avoiding a whole lot of trouble by just letting your husband take them. If he can’t take them, then they can find their own transportation. You don’t need to be subjected to your MIL and SIL’s abuse. Just stay out of it. Seriously, would they tolerate YOU treating them the way they are treating you? I bet not.

Yes. The son can also tell his MIL that both he and she will have a much more pleasant ride if the SIL and wife are not forced into the car together.

BTW, this will also give the husband six hours for a heart-to-heart talk about how he and his wife have been treated, and their determination that this needs to change. This is no way for Christians to treat each other. He will have a place to admonish them lovingly and firmly, and to listen patiently and generously to their complaints about you, OP. This is a conversation that is unlikely to happen, if you are in the car. It is unlikely that he will get another chance for this much time to talk when no one can take an exit from the unpleasant topics.

This may turn out to be a golden opportunity, then, perhaps even a gift from Providence. Have your husband consider that.

 

[madera]

I think you will be avoiding a whole lot of trouble by just letting your husband take them. If he can’t take them, then they can find their own transportation. You don’t need to be subjected to your MIL and SIL’s abuse. Just stay out of it. Seriously, would they tolerate YOU treating them the way they are treating you? I bet not.

no, you dont reward them by going along with them.
Her husband needs to put his wife first, not his abusive mother who has bullied him, so he goes along with anything she wants,
this man has had his manhood tainted.

 

[AClaire11]

I am going to take the “opposite” side here, not to defend your sister-in-law but from what little information you provided the scenario seems somewhat reasonable. With the exception that your mother-in-law didn’t call you in advance to ask. The only reason I say this is because I don’t think you have been clear to your family that you want nothing to do with your sister-in-law ever. So because your family members see you at occasional gatherings & parties they might think you are getting along sometimes. If you and your husband had officially announced that your sister-in-law was going to be cut out of your lives because of her behavior, and THEN your mother-in-law invited her, then I would say you are 100% right, however that is not what happened here so I think there is a bit of room for misunderstanding.

For the future, please decide with your husband how you want to proceed in your life. You cannot waffle on this. You will need to decide if you want this woman in you lives or not and to what degree. Are you going to see her at Christmas? Is the Christmas party more than three hours? If it is, your husband may wonder why you can see her at Christmas but not in the car? How about in the Summer? I know you are emotional about this and it is easy to say “I can’t take it” but you need to be practical in order to be fair to your husband and in-laws so they know where you stand. This family already sounds very emotional and moody, you don’t want to add to that, please be stable and steady.

**** I am not taking sides with mom’s rude or abusive behavior or sister-in-law’s rude or abusive behavior. I am just pointing out that the whole scenario of the ride to the funeral seems like a reasonable misunderstanding ****

Thank you for your (name removed by moderator)ut! You’re right that the family doesn’t know we are cutting her off, so to speak, but that’s mainly because they manipulate DH into keeping in contact. He would have stopped talking to her long before she met me if they didn’t freak out every single time. We had decided privately, on our own, not to spend any holidays, family events, etc with her because of her treatment of other people (including FIL and MIL.) I don’t remember if we mentioned anything about it to FIL and MIL.

Did I mention that she didn’t even come to our wedding when it was a 2 hour drive from where she and her fiance live? I don’t think I did…haha

FIL talked to MIL last night and then gave us a call. So far nothing has been resolved and everyone is pretty angry. DH is going to call MIL later to see if SIL can meet us at the funeral instead of spending the entire weekend across the street from us.

 

[AClaire11]

I think you will be avoiding a whole lot of trouble by just letting your husband take them. If he can’t take them, then they can find their own transportation. You don’t need to be subjected to your MIL and SIL’s abuse. Just stay out of it. Seriously, would they tolerate YOU treating them the way they are treating you? I bet not.

This is probably what’s going to happen.

 

[AClaire11]

Yes. The son can also tell his MIL that both he and she will have a much more pleasant ride if the SIL and wife are not forced into the car together.

BTW, this will also give the husband six hours for a heart-to-heart talk about how he and his wife have been treated, and their determination that this needs to change. This is no way for Christians to treat each other. He will have a place to admonish them lovingly and firmly, and to listen patiently and generously to their complaints about you, OP. This is a conversation that is unlikely to happen, if you are in the car. It is unlikely that he will get another chance for this much time to talk when no one can take an exit from the unpleasant topics.

This may turn out to be a golden opportunity, then, perhaps even a gift from Providence. Have your husband consider that.

He did say that he plans on having a talk with them if he ends up driving both of them. I don’t think the topic of Christianity will be brought into it, though, because he’s lapsed, MIL is Lutheran but obsessed with occult things like tarot cards, etc, and SIL is an Odinist who also attends a Unitarian church.

 

[Nopales1234]

Is everybody forgetting that SIL and MIL and FiL are adults? They know what they are doing and they don’t care as long as it gets them whatever they want. You don’t need to hol their hands and talk for a few hours- that will just give them more ammunition to manipulate you.

Your husband needs to talk with them as a man (not a man-boy) and lay it out objectively. It shouldn’t take long at all. Btw- that apology was just to buy their way back in again. It isn’t a real apology, and I am bet that the wording was more a lot the lines of “oh so sorry for a misunderstanding/ me gettin over-emotional”.

Sample ways- respectful, objective, and to the point.

-Mom and Dad- You may not invite extra people along when I or my wife is driving. If we want extra people along we will invite them. Also, your behavior during the last call was rude. In the future, if you swear at either of us or otherwise disrespect us we will end the interaction. If you blow up our phones with rude messages and don’t give us space, we will find other plans until you treat us with respect.

-Sister- because of your behavior numerous times in the past I and my family are taking a break from you. No, I am not going to enumerate all the things you have done and continue to do. You are an adult and are aware of everything. Don’t call us, don’t text is, don’t email us. If we want to contact you, we will. If you disrespect us again, the time out will be extended.

“Concerned” gossipy family members trying to suck you back in: This has nothing to do with you, it is between us and XYZ. Please respect our privacy and decisions. Anyways, how’s that project of yours going?"

Your husband needs to realize that his family is you and your kids if you have any. He made vows to protect you from everything and that includes abusive “family”. Also, a promise/obligation/request never needs to be filled if the other person is hostile. He needs to realize that anyone disrespecting you is directly disrespecting him.

Hey husband- did you read that? YOUR PARENTS do NOT respect YOU! If they take your sisters side (or any side really) and allow disrespect to your wife, they are actually disrespecting YOU. They’re just doing so in a way that makes it easier for them to find an emotional punching bag.

If YOU allow YOUR PARENTS\other family to emotionally abuse your wife you are

1. Hiding behind her skirts because mommy and daddy scare you.
2. Permanently damaging your relationship with your wife.
3. Teaching your children they don’t have to respect their mother.
4. Showing that you don’t respect your wife enough to protect her.

Respect is an action, not a feeling. Grow up and quit allowing your past family to mistreat your new family.

 

[TheWarriorMonk]

Given the circumstances, including the fact that you don’t even know the person that died, I would recommend staying home. I would also recommend that you tell your husband to tell his family to knock it off.

It can work to. My stepson reamed out his uncle (my wife’s brother) the moment he was disrespectful to his mother. Hasn’t happened since.

 

[UbiCaritas]

It is not OK to lie, but when manipulative people are also spiteful, staying off their radar rather than confronting them directly is the most prudent course. Some of those with these character traits will suffer three times in order to make you suffer once. It is no cowardice to give them a wide berth as quietly as possible.

The early Christians hid in the catacombs not because the Romans couldn’t find them, but because the Romans avoided going near the physical abode of the dead. It is OK to put yourself in a place where your would-be tormentors would rather not venture.

This.

Also, there’s the fact that if you can reasonably expect someone to engage in bad or abusive behavior–i.e., because they have a consistent past history of doing so–you’re doing them no favors by giving them yet another opportunity to sin in that way. The example I usually use is that of an alcoholic sibling: let’s say it’s New Years, and you’re trying to decide whether or not to invite your brother to dinner. Your brother is a raging alcoholic who has driven while drunk times out of number, and sometimes in borrowed vehicles. If you decide to invite him, and he hasn’t gone through rehab, been in good standing in AA for some time, and demonstrated that he’d genuinely changed his outlook through concrete actions, it would not be charitable to loan him your car keys for the evening. Quite the opposite, in fact.

Likewise, when one has abusive family members who refuse to reform their actions, it’s not charity to give them yet another opportunity to use you or your family as emotional (or, heaven forbid, physical) punching bags: it’s giving them another opportunity to do something wrong.

 

[EasterJoy]

This.

Also, there’s the fact that if you can reasonably expect someone to engage in bad or abusive behavior–i.e., because they have a consistent past history of doing so–you’re doing them no favors by giving them yet another opportunity to sin in that way. The example I usually use is that of an alcoholic sibling: let’s say it’s New Years, and you’re trying to decide whether or not to invite your brother to dinner. Your brother is a raging alcoholic who has driven while drunk times out of number, and sometimes in borrowed vehicles. If you decide to invite him, and he hasn’t gone through rehab, been in good standing in AA for some time, and demonstrated that he’d genuinely changed his outlook through concrete actions, it would not be charitable to loan him your car keys for the evening. Quite the opposite, in fact.

Likewise, when one has abusive family members who refuse to reform their actions, it’s not charity to give them yet another opportunity to use you or your family as emotional (or, heaven forbid, physical) punching bags: it’s giving them another opportunity to do something wrong.

Yes. It is a compassion when others, recognizing our particular vulnerabilities, avoid putting us in the near occasion of sin. We need to avoid becoming patronizing or contemptuous about when and how we choose to do this, but that is not much of a danger in this case.

 

[EasterJoy]

He did say that he plans on having a talk with them if he ends up driving both of them. I don’t think the topic of Christianity will be brought into it, though, because he’s lapsed, MIL is Lutheran but obsessed with occult things like tarot cards, etc, and SIL is an Odinist who also attends a Unitarian church.

If Christianity is irrelevant, then don’t bring it up. The conversation is even easier, because the expectation that one might endure suffering out of love for the sinner is less likely to be (inappropriately) in play.

Decent society does not currently tolerate the behavior described, not even from family. Secular society does not expect anyone to stand around to be abused by anyone, not even family. Your husband can let it be known that this is the last free ride. In the future, the price of contact, let alone favors, is decent behavior, which does not mean perfect behavior but does mean immediate apologies for failures. If that is not forthcoming, the visit will be terminated immediately, period. If there are any more abusive phone calls, it will be up to the abuser to call for reconciliation and to make amends, period. We are going to act like civilized adults are expected to act from now on, period. We appreciate help when it is offered, we don’t take it for granted just because you are relatives, but veterinary care for a cat will not buy a free pass to treat us any way the benefactor pleases. That is so insulting, it is not to be spoken of as a possibility. You don’t feel free to kick your cat just because you keep it dry and fed, and you’re not going to kick your own child or sibling around just because you loan some money once in awhile. Period.

Keep it simple, don’t accept excuses or special exemptions, and be firm. Assure them that this will be more enjoyable for everyone, that all will feel better when everyone leaves a family gathering in the knowledge that there have been no scenes or even little toss-away comments that would embarrass anyone with so much as good manners. Kind, but resolute and unmovable, that is the ticket. (The military background will prove useful, I think.)

 

[AClaire11]

Update: DH talked to his mom and said that SIL could meet us there, but that he was not going to make me sit in a car with her for 6 hours, and also brought up SIL’s actions in the past and how it is rude to invite someone along at the last minute. MIL admitted that SIL has acted hurtfully, but said if we can’t all go together, then she and SIL will just hang out at the hotel and no one will go.

DH and I are willing to compromise and pick SIL up at a major city that is only 45 minutes from the memorial service if SIL will promise to be on her best behavior, but we aren’t sure if MIL will accept that option. Even if she does, I’m not sure that I’d go. This weekend has been awful enough with everyone fighting; I don’t even want to know what next weekend will be like.