Emotionally abusive SIL demanding a 3-hour ride

[jmcrae]

Update: DH talked to his mom and said that SIL could meet us there, but that he was not going to make me sit in a car with her for 3 hours, and also brought up SIL’s actions in the past and how it is rude to invite someone along at the last minute. MIL admitted that SIL has acted hurtfully, but said if we can’t all go together, then she and SIL will just hang out at the hotel and no one will go.

Fine - so be it.

DH and I are willing to compromise and pick SIL up at a major city that is only 45 minutes from the memorial service if SIL will promise to be on her best behavior, but we aren’t sure if MIL will accept that option. Even if she does, I’m not sure that I’d go. This weekend has been awful enough with everyone fighting; I don’t even want to know what next weekend will be like.

Why did you offer to compromise? There is no need. If they want to stay all day at the hotel instead of doing what they wanted to do merely because you will be absent, how does that affect you?

 

[EasterJoy]

Update: DH talked to his mom and said that SIL could meet us there, but that he was not going to make me sit in a car with her for 6 hours, and also brought up SIL’s actions in the past and how it is rude to invite someone along at the last minute. MIL admitted that SIL has acted hurtfully, but said if we can’t all go together, then she and SIL will just hang out at the hotel and no one will go.

DH and I are willing to compromise and pick SIL up at a major city that is only 45 minutes from the memorial service if SIL will promise to be on her best behavior, but we aren’t sure if MIL will accept that option. Even if she does, I’m not sure that I’d go. This weekend has been awful enough with everyone fighting; I don’t even want to know what next weekend will be like.

Convince your DH that it would be the best for him to make the sacrifice to go alone with his mother and sister. The extended family can be told that you had to stay home, and send your regrets. They can have their discussions about how to handle things differently in the future, and that won’t happen with you there.

This may be a good turning point. It wouldn’t be* that *unusual. Sometimes, when you draw a boundary, your family actually abides by it. If you are only asking them to be as good to you as they normally are to everyone they are stuck working with and you don’t see them too often, you’ve got a good chance.

Your SIL did introduce you to your DH, after all. She must have thought you were OK at some point. Maybe a few drinks with your DH will allow her to decide that a truce would be better than what you two have going now.

 

[1ke]

Update: DH talked to his mom and said that SIL could meet us there, but that he was not going to make me sit in a car with her for 6 hours, and also brought up SIL’s actions in the past and how it is rude to invite someone along at the last minute. MIL admitted that SIL has acted hurtfully, but said if we can’t all go together, then she and SIL will just hang out at the hotel and no one will go.

DH and I are willing to compromise and pick SIL up at a major city that is only 45 minutes from the memorial service if SIL will promise to be on her best behavior, but we aren’t sure if MIL will accept that option. Even if she does, I’m not sure that I’d go. This weekend has been awful enough with everyone fighting; I don’t even want to know what next weekend will be like.

Why are you trying to negotiate with them?

Why are the two of you unwilling to establish boundaries?

 

[TheWarriorMonk]

Why are you trying to negotiate with them?

Why are the two of you unwilling to establish boundaries?

This.

Draw a line a stick with it. If they want be spiteful, so be it. It’s their problem.

 

[AClaire11]

It looks like we’re not going to go to the funeral after all. MIL refused to listen to DH’s compromise idea, so she and SIL will be staying at the hotel across the street and we are “welcome to join them” if we want to hang out. We don’t.

Thank you so much for your advice, support, and valid criticism. My parents are also very controlling in their own way, so neither of us is the best at setting boundaries. You guys really helped, and I mean that. Without your almost unanimous responses, I think I would have backed down pretty quickly because I hate conflict.

 

[TheWarriorMonk]

I don’t like conflict either, but I’ve found it is much easier to address the issue and set the boundaries ASAP, even if it really ticks off other people. Once the boundaries are set, the people know that there will be pushback if they overstep them again.

 

[AussieTrish]

Lord please bless AClaire and her husband with continuing grace and strength in their marriage and within themselves, and please bless their family relationships with new insight and grace in the hearts and souls of their relatives.

 

[EasterJoy]

…My parents are also very controlling in their own way, so neither of us is the best at setting boundaries…

They may be, but just to clarify: not everyone who has grown used to getting their own way in some particular setting is controlling. Sometimes, otherwise reasonable people simply allow themselves the bad habit of getting away with what others let them get away with, rationalizing that the other party “doesn’t mind” or that the other party “owes them” the leeway, usually because they are a son, daughter, or other younger relative that properly did have to go along when they were minors, or family life would have been chaos.

Once the others let them know that they most seriously do mind, sometimes these people shift those same others from Column A (for people who “are easy to get along with and just want you to suit yourself”) to Column B (for those people who advocate for their own interests, too).

 

[dixieagle]

My husband could do whatever he felt obligated to do vis-a-vis driving his mother. I would stay home or drive separately and go to my friend’s graduation.

I would under NO circumstances drive my MIL and SIL anywhere, ever.

And, I would insist my husband discuss the situation (at another time) with his parents, lay down his boundaries (which include you, he, and behavior towards you) and then let them make their choices.

In the future, f they choose options that involve abusive behavior towards you, then you and he will choose to make other plans for holidays, not be present for events, to leave if abuse starts, to hang up the phone if inappropriate language is used, to pull over the car and eject them, or whatever is appropriate at the moment, etc.

You cannot change other people’s behavior. But you CAN change your own. Thus far you have attempted to avoid problems by taking abuse. That stops now, Claire.

Exactly this.

 

[mommy_k]

Not everyone is equipped to deal with strong manipulative types of people verbally, and there is nothing wrong with that, especially a mother who has probably been doing this for years. What is important is to make them stop imposing, and causing strife. You can tell they are talented at at this-you are feeling badly and guilty if you don’t drive everyone.

I am very good with verbal directness in most situations, but there are some relatives that just use whatever I say to continue to get their own way, or cause disharmony. With these relatives, I know to say as least as possible, and have a cut and dried excuse. I have left a carseat in my car to make it smaller, and things like this. If my intention is to preserve my sanity and preserve the relationship, God understands. I have said to similar relativestoo, I’m sorry I can’t…when asked why, I say it’s complicated and I have to hang up and don’t give a reason, and ammunition for them.

This has taken practice too, as the classic 'it’s not a big deal, you are going anyway, things are dragged into it. I just keep agreeing (this is important- to agree) but still say, sorry, I can’t. When someone uses curse words, and you say just no, sorry, they will put two and two together most times.if they say- is it becasue - cursed at you, you say, I can’t get into this nowN I have to go-see you at the------.they will try and drag you into a discussion, but do not let them-
Because before you know it-you will be doing their bidding if you answer them with a reason.

If you practice this, a big fight is avoided, gossip is avoided, and you will not be saying the wrong thing to futher damage the relationship, that I suspect you will be blamed.

 

[mommy_k]

Lord please bless AClaire and her husband with continuing grace and strength in their marriage and within themselves, and please bless their family relationships with new insight and grace in the hearts and souls of their relatives.

Amen

 

[agnes_therese]

I just keep agreeing (this is important- to agree) but still say, sorry, I can’t. When someone uses curse words, and you say just no, sorry, they will put two and two together most times.if they say- is it becasue - cursed at you, you say, I can’t get into this nowN I have to go-see you at the------.they will try and drag you into a discussion, but do not let them-
Because before you know it-you will be doing their bidding if you answer them with a reason.

If you practice this, a big fight is avoided, gossip is avoided, and you will not be saying the wrong thing to futher damage the relationship, that I suspect you will be blamed.

^^^^ So true!! Keep practicing: “Sorry, I can’t.” “Sorry, I just can’t.” “Lovely talking with you, gotta go.”

 

[HollyDolly]

I’m shocked that your mother-in-law would speak in such an appalling way to you.

However, already your sister-in-law in the way she responded to your husband’s intention to marry you…
I sure wouldn’t want this family anywhere near my future children.

It’s understandable that your husband doesn’t want to lose his family, but hopefully he will learn to put you first.

Heaven knows what you’ll face when you see his sister and his parents after this latest blow-up, if you decide to go, but I’ll be praying they will be fair and reasonable, (it doesn’t seem likely) and more, that your husband will clearly and definitely back you up.

I don’t think anything you can do regarding this family can help. They’re not nice people. Sometimes such a family has one lovely person, who appears to be your husband, but he must decide his loyalties lie with you if his family remain unreasonable (worse than unreasonable.)

Our thoughts are with you.

I would just let your husband go and stay home.The whole thing with her trying to sabatoage your engagement is weird. I understand an old ex girlfriend,but your sister in law?? Something weird here indeed.You don’t have to take her abuse.I probably would have exploded years ago and told the whole family what I thought of her and a few other things about the family and this strange relationship.
Surprised none from your side has stood up for you with these people,unless they live far away.