Emotionally stressed

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Firebug

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Hi everybody!

I think I need some help… But first some background-
My mother died a couple of months ago, I’m the oldest daughter of the family (3 kids), so I have been burdened with a lot of housework and homeschooling my sister. I am also looking into getting a job, but only after some classes that I’m going to take ( I had been planning this way before my mother died).

I don’t know why, but I feel as if I want to kill everything that moves, yell at anybody that talks to me, and I just don’t want to be even remotely touched or looked at. It all just annoys me so bad, that I get angry, if not irate. I don’t want to be this way, and I try to be nice to everybody (seems to be having an affect on my family right now), but it’s seemingly impossible.
Everything I do, doesn’t seem to be enough, and I feel like I’m useless, not doing anything at all, even after doing laundry, and other chores such as dishes. I feel like my life is lacking construction, or purpose. It’s a big mess, and it doesn’t feel like it’s going to get better any time soon. I feel like up and leaving, starting a new life over, and pretend nothing is wrong…But I know that it won’t do me any good either. I feel like I’m on the verge of a nervous break-down, or something like it.
 
Darn right you need some help! You’re not “emotionally stressed”, you’re depressed and grieving, and rightly so! Are there family members who can help ease the work that has fallen on you? Friends of the family or neighbors?

I can suggest some other things–use what you can and forget about the rest. Of course, pray. Tell Jesus how you feel. He’ll help strengthen you and, if needed, can guide you to whatever else it is you need to do. You could go and talk to your priest or a counselor, or join a group for those who are grieving. You may need medication for a while. Make sure that you eat well, drink lots of water, and get enough sleep. You may want to supplement with vitamins. Get out for a short time each day and get some exercise. And take a little “me” time, too. Journal.
 
You are in my prayers tonight.

You are grieving while trying to keep the little every day things that should be normal, well, normal. But things aren’t normal are they? You’ve lost your mom, and now you have this new set of responsibilities. Allow yourself room and time to grieve. So not everything gets done exactly they way it did before…so what? Sit your family down and level with them. Tell them you need their help to get through this time…then hold hands with them and pray an Our Father.

It does sound like you might have a bout of clinical depression going on. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. Stress often brings on a chemical imbalance in the brain. Exercise might help a lot, but if it gets severe enough you might need to ask your doctor to prescribe a mild anti-depressant. Please see your doctor just because if it is clinical depression, it’s not something you’ll be able to think your way out of.

Let’s get spiritual. You have been given a great honor. Christ has asked you to help him carry the cross. I know you would just assume let someone else shoulder this, but Jesus chose you. You must be very special. He loves you a lot, and he will help you. Trust in Him. He knows what he is doing even if you feel like you don’t. Pray. Pray. And Pray some more. And ask Blessed Mother for her help, too.
 
Things that cause us stress can usually be traced to one of the energy centers that fuels the false self emotional system.

These energy centers are:
  1. security/comfort
  2. power/control
  3. affection/esteem
In the situation you described, I can see how all three energy centers are being fueled. Security/comfort because it brings you into a whole new phase of uncertainty about the future you finally have to face. Power/control, because you can’t do anything about it, or perhaps you are overwhelmed with responsibility too. Affection/esteem for obvious reasons of loss.

This is something you might discuss with a spiritual director, if you have one. If not, I suspect you could call your diocesan office and ask if they have spiritual direction available.

Alan
 
I went through the same thing a couple years ago when both my parents died with 5 weeks of eachother. I’m the oldest, so ALL of the arrangements were left to me, as well as being the executor for both estates. It sucks!!!

Find someone you can talk to, vent to, etc. Wether it is a close friend, doctor, etc. Find a way for you to release alot of energy. When I was angry I would find a hunk of metal and pound it with a sledge hammer (I work in an industrial plant). Chopping wood or hammering nails into a block also works well. It gave me a chance to get rid of some of the anger in various ways.

Keep praying. I stopped for a while because I had prayed for my mother to get better. Then she died. I blamed God and my prayers. It was a real test that I had to work through. My wife was very supportive and help me through some tough times.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.
 
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Firebug:
I think I need some help…
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I’m a sinful, fallen, misled and mistaken heretic, and even I feel sympathetic towards you.

How do you suppose Your Perfect Father feels?

You keep sharing your feelings with people who care (online and in your home area), and we will keep on praying for you. Deal?
 
Thank you guys so much for just listening. It is a very difficult time that I’m going through, and I imagine it’s got to be hard for the other family members, but maybe they’re dealing with it in different ways. I’ve been wanting to talk about these things with them, but I don’t want to burden them even more than they already are.
I ask God to strengthen me every day, and have even asked our Lady of Lourdes and St. Philomena for help (the reason I pray to them particularly, is because I have found their prayer cards, so I taped them up on a desk and pray the prayers every day). Since my mother’s death, I have experienced what I think may be conversion. I pray a lot more now than I used to, find comfort in going to Mass (before it was like “Do I have to?”), and I try and remember that God will only give me as much as I can carry. Still, even with this small conversion in my life, it feels like God isn’t doing enough for me. But He has! Who knows where I’d be right now if it weren’t for Him? Maybe if He wasn’t helping me, I’d be in the bathroom, contemplating suicide? He’s doing something for me…
Whatever this is, it has been going on for about a week now, and I’m praying desperately that it goes away, mostly for the sake of my family, as I tend to take it out on them. I notice that I feel much better when I am alone, or at least being left alone. My brain feels like a terribly busy interstate, and when anybody tries to interact with me for too long, especially without a “good purpose”, then I start being mean to them. I need to stop this, and try, and I do succeed but not often.
Thanks again for listening.
 
You are in my prayers.

I am going to suggest something that has really helped me during those “dark nights of the soul”. It’ll seem simplistic and silly but it really has worked.

First - make a Jesus Box. Get a shoe box, decorate it anyway you want, cut a hole in the top and tape it shut.

Next - get a blank piece of paper and start writing down exactly how you are feeling. Do not worry about spelling, grammar, syntax, or anything else that might ‘self-censor’ your writing. Really spill it…something like “Dear Jesus, I have just about had it with this whole thing. I am tired, I am mad, I want to kill anything that moves, if ONE more person tells me how wonderful I am I am going to hit them on the head with a frying pan I swear it, and my family is all a bunch of dummies and that lady on the CAF, I mean, really…a JESUS BOX? What is she NUTS…” blah blah blah…

Third - get on your knees and fold the paper in half. Say: “Dearest Lord, here is how I am feeling. I cannot lie to you and I know you don’t want me too. Please accept all of me, the good and the bad, and give me the strength to endure all that I need to endure. I turn these thoughts and feelings over to you, Lord. Amen”.

Finally - put the paper in the Jesus Box, put it on the top shelf of your bedroom closet so no one can find it and read your stuff and then go about your day. If you have to do it over and over and over again - so be it.

Trust me - it will help. Jesus told St. Faustina that we forget to give ALL of ourselves to Him - even our weakness and our fears…

Love and hope to you, my darling girl!😃
 
God promised not to give us more than we can handle - with His help 🙂 I rely on that promise a lot.

My dad died about 2 mos ago. My mom is still living; she will be moving in with us. We sold our house and are buying a bigger home. The lower level w/ be converted into an apartment for her. I have 4 brothers who are great, but being the only daughter, I feel more responsibility. Especially since mom will be living in our home.

Everything has happened so fast. Some days I feel as if I’m barely staying afloat. Grieving for my dad all the while making plans to move. It’s crazy sometimes, but we believe it’s God’s will for us.

Be sure you’re eating right and exercising. It’s amazing how much better you feel when you do those simple things. If you feel the need for outside help, don’t hesitate to find a counselor. The only way you can take care of your family is if you’re healthy - physically, emotionally and spiritually.
—KCT
 
You sound young, as if you are still living at home with your family.

Clearly everyone has given you sound advice about medication, counseling, etc… but no one has touched on the extent of your responsibilities.

If I am right to assume that you are still at home, a child yourself, you need to be honest with your entire immediate family about the stress you are feeling. They should be sharing responsibility for the chores, etc…

You taking primary responsibility for homeschooling your sister, unless you are an adult, seems rather inappropriate. Please don’t take offense at this, I’m offering this as advice, not criticism. My fiance was homeschooled and is much better off for it, and so was I for a year, so don’t get the wrong impression that I have something against home schooling. Given all the other things you really DO need to be able to help with, I don’t think you need this responsibility. Is public or private school an option?

If there truly is a problem with the public schools in your area, which there very well may be, do what you can to facilitate your sister’s learning, but don’t let this get you stressed out. Since you all have lost your mother, your younger siblings may need a break too. One nice thing about homeschooling is that when major, tragic life events like this happen, you can put school aside pretty easily to focus on recovery. I’m not saying abandon school. I’m just saying you shouldn’t be expected to just jump in and teach your sister while keeping everything else ‘normal’ too.

I, too, am the oldest daughter (of 4). I am 23, and only my youngest brother is still at home. I have not lost a parent, thank God, but there was a close call with my mom when I was in 7th grade. I experienced a lot of the same feelings you are describing, a lot was expected of me around the house, and I was on medications for a short while. They helped, but at the cost of me feeling like myself. Of course, I didn’t feel like myself when I was being a total monster to everyone or when I was a recluse, either. Some people need them, temporarily, to get themselves over a ‘hump’ so to speak. I think I did better with prayer and TIME for healing.

Do you listen to Christian music? Listen to the Amy Grant song, I’m not sure of the title, but the chorus starts “It takes a little time sometimes, to get your feet back on the ground…” This is so true!

Prayers for you and your family!
 
I’m not sure how old you are, but I was 19 when my dad died suddenly. I felt as though I had to be the rock when my family was mourning. Honestly, I took too much on and left no room for me to breathe, let alone deal with the stress of losing him. I was very irritable and loathed strangers taking a sudden interest in me because of my loss, the puppy dog eyes, the instant popularity it seemed I gained. I went to counseling at the time, but it really didn’t help. I took a nose-dive religion wise and couldn’t even make it through half a mass without breaking down and having to leave. I was a mess.

Over time, I had a conversion and returned to the Church on fire with love for God. All that time I hadn’t let Him into my heart to help me through it. I had to be on medication for a little while, but got over that as soon as my feet were back on the ground. Now, I realize I wouldn’t be where I am today without my father’s death, and am ashamed that that’s what it took to get me to see things clearly. Not that I think God did that on purpose, but it happened nonetheless.

It sounds like you have so much to take care of that you are leaving little room to take care of yourself. God bless you and know that you are not alone. Keep praying too- that is something that would have helped me had I opened my heart up to it. Hang in there- you’ll get through this.
 
I am 19 years old, and was in the process of getting started on my life as an adult, before things happened. I too think I am too young to take on the responsibility of homeschooling my younger sister, who has a good 6 years of schooling left. Right now, she is still on break, but she will be starting soon again. My brother and father want to keep homeschooling her because it was “what Mom wanted”. I’m guessing they will learn how to teach, because I still have my life ahead of me (college). I don’t think my mother would have wanted me to have to homeschool her, but try telling that to her distraught husband and son. Even I know I can’t do all these things, I still feel a strong obligation towards them.
LSK, you put a smile on my face with your words. I will try your suggestion (but it does seem kind of nuts! 😛 ).
I recently took up exercising, because of my lack of constructiveness. It helps me a lot, getting through the days that seem to drag on and on. Yesterday, after reading some of you guys’ posts, I decided to go for a long walk- alone. I can say it calmed me down quite a bit, and I’d do it again today, if it weren’t raining.
When is it time to move forward? Time to do the things I was originally planning on doing? Living life, as if it were normal? There are things I want to do, but am afraid that everybody thinks it’s too soon to be doing, and that they will think that maybe I didn’t love my mother as much as they thought, because “she’s having fun”. Some of these things, I want to do to move on. I’m not saying that I want to forget what happened, but staying like I am, not changing at all, is going to drive me to insanity.
Sometimes I wonder…If I’m not grieving enough? In my family, I think I’m the only that has been able to sleep good (until recently). I don’t understand why they want to go on doing things (such as homeschooling), just because Mom wanted it… It seems to me, that we are going to have to change things, whether or not Mom wanted it done that way. Am I wrong thinking this way? :confused:

Thanks A BUNCH!! If it weren’t for CAF, I’d be out in the gutters! :o
 
Exercise is GOOD!!!

Besides being healthy and constructive, it releases endorphins, which are essentially feel-good chemicals your body might be lacking if you don’t get enough exercise. That is why so many athletes actually have a physiochemical NEED to do what they do. If a runner who is accustomed to a morning run doesn’t go out, they get irritable and depressed all day.

Keep taking care of yourself- physically AND emotionally. This is the best way you can be a help to the rest of your family.

Don’t slow yourself down in moving forward (I don’t really like to say moving on, because this will always be a part of you) just because you’re concerned about what others will think. There is a happy medium among genuinely moving forward, providing healthy distraction, and spending time just grieving. Those are more or less in reverse chronological order. The ultimate goal is moving forward, but in the meantime, you need to take time for the other two. Only you can say how long or how little you need to spend doing that.

Now might not be the best time to leave town for college, since your help is clearly needed at home. On the other hand, it is important that you be allowed to pursue the plans you already had in place before your mom died. If your sister is a pre-teen (you said she has six years of school left), she is old enough to help with things like laundry. You are not doing her or anyone a favor by taking everything on yourself just because you’re the oldest, especially since you seem so stressed.

If you are the oldest sibling, not just the oldest daughter, that puts your brother at a precarious age for losing his mother. He’s probably just starting to come into his own manhood as a young man, so he’s caught in this half-boy, half-man psyche. I’d venture to guess that is why he is so adimant about adhering to ‘what mom wanted.’ By the way, my background is engineering, not psychology, so take it with a grain of salt.

No matter how you look at it, things will be different, and things will be difficult. People mourn in different ways. Don’t second-guess (or let anyone else second guess) how much you love your mom just because you’re not mourning the same way the rest of the family seems to be.

Consider, too, that your body is still changing hormonally with respect to your menstrual cycle. I don’t remember being a bad PMS case when I was in high school, but Mom says I was. Around 19 was when I started actually noticing when I would get like that, and for a while I thought it was 'cause I didn’t before. This has gotten a lot clearer now that I’m a little older and have watched my younger sister (18) go through the same changes. I asked Mom if I was as bad as her. “Worse!” 😛 My poor family! My point is, being aware of your menstrual cycle will help you anticipate when you might get extra-emotional or irritable so you can be on your guard not to take that out on your family.

Also stay vigilant in your positive attitude in the evenings and on rainy days, especially with autumn coming and days getting shorter. Lack of sufficient sunlight has been shown to contribute to depression.
 
Eat, sleep, continue walking when you can, if its raining do some alternate form of exercise, like run in place or jump rope or something. (or use a hula hoop, I see lots of those in stores now.)
Tell your Father and your sister and brother, all together, how you feel. Don’t feel bad that your grief is different than their’s is. They depended on her more, you sound much more independant. Perhaps they will think you are being selfish, tell them exactly what you think. Did they just assume you would take over her role or did you just try to on your own? If so, don’t feel bad, you aren’t able to do all she did. She was a Mother, you are a daughter and sister. Keep your role.
I agree everyone in a home needs to contribute towards running it in some way.
Make them aware that you are not her and never can be.
Most of all, continue to pray daily, and we will for you too. It would be great to talk to a Priest even in confession if nothing else. Perhaps just to get some perspective.
One of my favorite Bible verses is the one that says: “Come to me, all you who are weary and are burdened and I will give you rest.” May His dear Blessed Mother hold you while you go through this.
 
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Firebug:
I am 19 years old, and was in the process of getting started on my life as an adult, before things happened. I too think I am too young to take on the responsibility of homeschooling my younger sister, who has a good 6 years of schooling left. Right now, she is still on break, but she will be starting soon again. My brother and father want to keep homeschooling her because it was “what Mom wanted”. I’m guessing they will learn how to teach, because I still have my life ahead of me (college). I don’t think my mother would have wanted me to have to homeschool her, but try telling that to her distraught husband and son. Even I know I can’t do all these things, I still feel a strong obligation towards them. When is it time to move forward? Time to do the things I was originally planning on doing? Living life, as if it were normal? There are things I want to do, but am afraid that everybody thinks it’s too soon to be doing, and that they will think that maybe I didn’t love my mother as much as they thought, because “she’s having fun”. Some of these things, I want to do to move on. I’m not saying that I want to forget what happened, but staying like I am, not changing at all, is going to drive me to insanity.
Sometimes I wonder…If I’m not grieving enough? In my family, I think I’m the only that has been able to sleep good (until recently). I don’t understand why they want to go on doing things (such as homeschooling), just because Mom wanted it… It seems to me, that we are going to have to change things, whether or not Mom wanted it done that way. Am I wrong thinking this way? :confused:

Thanks A BUNCH!! If it weren’t for CAF, I’d be out in the gutters! :o
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I think you are right about the homeschooling. Would it help to tell your father that you are willing to give it six months or a year to transition your sister to a school–public or Catholic? But so soon after your mother’s death, it is actually helpful for all of you to continue as much as possible what you were doing before. By continuing your sister’s homeschooling in the short-term, you can see that as your gift to your sister (and your father and your mother).

Could you scale back on your own school–taking a lighter load in the next six months or a year? (I assume you are in college.)

My mom died but when we were all in our 30s with children of our own. The loss of a mother is traumatic at any age. But at your age, it is exponentially worse.

Know that you will get through this. Also, it might help to read books about the grieving process so you can recognize your own grief and help your family. (A classic, though not Catholic, is Elisabeth Kubler-Ross’s book on the seven stages of death. I think it is called “On Death and Dying”.)
 
You love your family and that’s very good…however, your dad needs to be the leader here. Consider printing off the things you have shared here and the responses you have received with him. I don’t mean this in a sick sexual way, but it almost seems like either you or he’s expecting you to replace his wife…or at least fill her role. You cannot. You’re just too young, and I really mean no offense by that. He needs to step up and take charge.

You’re in my prayers.
 
I would tend to agree with everything said here. I would like to add a reminder that men and women grieve differently. Neither is better than the other, just different.

Since men tend to be “take-charge-problem-solvers” they grieve that way too. Women tend to be the “nurture-everyone-to-feel-whole” type. The most important aspect in grieving is understanding that everyone has their own pace and style. How long or how much you grieve has nothing to do with how much you loved your mother.

Thank you for sharing and allowing all of us to support you in your grief.
 
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Firebug:
Code: 
  I recently took up exercising, because of my lack of constructiveness. It helps me a lot, getting through the days that seem to drag on and on. Yesterday, after reading some of you guys' posts, I decided to go for a long walk- alone. I can say it calmed me down quite a bit, and I'd do it again today, if it weren't raining. 
 When is it time to move forward? Time to do the things I was originally planning on doing? Living life, as if it were normal? There are things I want to do, but am afraid that everybody thinks it's too soon to be doing, and that they will think that maybe I didn't love my mother as much as they thought, because "she's having fun". Some of these things, I want to do to move on. I'm not saying that I want to forget what happened, but staying like I am, not changing at all, is going to drive me to insanity. 
        Sometimes I wonder..If I'm not grieving enough? In my family, I think I'm the only that has been able to sleep good (until recently). I don't understand why they want to go on doing things (such as homeschooling), just because Mom wanted it.. It seems to me, that we are going to have to change things, whether or not Mom wanted it done that way. Am I wrong thinking this way?  :confused:
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I can recall a few days after my dad died, I went to the local community rec center to play a scheduled volleyball game. I just remember walking in and seeing looks of “what is she doing here” on people’s faces and then they all got back to normal. I had to get out of the “grieving at home” cycle and get out again and do something for me. It was my first taste of “normalcy” since he had died. Do whatever you can do to stay active- it sounds like you are on the right track, although there is no perfect way to go through the grieving process. If you can join some kind of group activity (volleyball legue, aerobics class, etc.) then that will help you to be a part of something away from home- it seemed to help me at the time.

It’s very difficult to do, but try your best not to worry about what everyone else thinks. It seemed as though I was under a microscope and always being judged when my dad died, and made moving on a little more difficult. As I said before, everywhere I went I’d get puppy dog faces, etc. and I was so tired of it- I just wanted to be treated like normal. People are going to talk about you and “how you’re handling things” etc. no matter how you act. The truth is, you are kind of the issue of the moment, which will pass, but it just gives people something to talk about for the time being. So, in other words, just do what you need to do, but you don’t have to keep yourself grieving- celebrate who your mother raised you to be. Be thankful that you were blessed with her as your mother for as long as she was here.

It sounds like you are on a much better path than I was at your age. Take comfort in knowing that we are all praying for you and your family and keep doing what you’re doing. 👍
 
First I want to give you a big hug because you need it. I don’t care if you want to kill me for it. That’s OK.
Next I want to remind you that you are an adult and that you are in charge of you life and emotional health. If you feel you need to go away and do your own thing to get better, than go. Go to College. Your family will figure out if they can home school the younger child or not. It is not the end of the world if she goes to regular school. Be respectful and loving to your family. Keep in contact with them. They might be afraid that they could loose you too.Let them know if you are doing good. It can give them hope too.
I think you are getting through some of your grieving if you want to go do some new things.I think if you stay you might remain angry and resentful. So decide if you can change your feelings or your behavior and if not then Change your situation.
 
I encourage anyone who reads this thread to pray for Firebug…and imagine giving her a Hug while you do it. 🙂
 
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