Empty intimacy

[Awful_Things]

I debated whether to put this in the family life section instead, so pardon my choice if it doesn’t seem like a moral theology issue. To me it did, and it seemed like the best way to start sorting it out was to just open a thread and start typing.

My wife and I have been married for eleven years, and we have three great kids. In most all things we see eye-to-eye, but the one area that has been a constant undertone is our sex life.

We waited until marriage for intercourse, though did engage in other acts which were not proper outside the context of the marital act. And, for the record, I struggled with pornograph and self-gratification, but eventually got a handle on both, though have recently slipped again.

For past and present sins and slips in purity, I accept full resposibility.

The purpose of this post, however, relates to her almost complete lack of interest in intimacy and a sexual relationship. She does not enjoy kissing and, when we do have intercourse, it is very mechanical and perfunctory on her part.

To her credit, she is generally willing to have intercourse when I request. Such hasn’t always been the case. We do practice NFP in order to put a couple years between each child, and she recognizes some importance in intimacy during those times outside of the fertile period.

As I’ve done some reflection and prayer into my recent lapse into pornography, I’ve realized that the images I am attracted to almost have nothing to do with unrealistic bodies or acts. I am attracted to images of women who resemble my wife, a beautiful woman, and whose pictures display these women enjoying sex. I know I’m inviting a number of posts about how porn stars don’t really enjoy the act, but such would be beside the point, which is that, deep down, I desperately desire for her to enjoy intimacy with me … to occassionally initiate and to want to have a romantic evening of just kissing, even if sex isn’t included.

The moral “theology” aspect comes up from my study of Theology of the Body. Part of what allowed me to break from self-gratification and pornography for so long was my recognition that sex is a sacred act that allows a couple to come in closer union wth God through intimacy tied with the sacrament.

That said, the flip side is that it hurts tremendously that she doesn’t understand it the same way. My assumption, and perhaps I am wrong, is that understanding the higher purpose of sex would drive an individual to desire intimacy and to work to remove whatever roadblocks stand in the way of it.

I understand my role, and over the last decade, I’ve read much and tried much to fix what I have percieved (and continue to perceive on some level) as a problem created solely on my end. I’ve tried to bring more romance into the relationship. I’ve tried to positively affirm her when she shows signs of intimacy. I’ve tried to give up any selfish desires, such as an online game my friends and I play, to show her that my time is for God and family first.

While she appreciates this, and while our love for each other is strong, her disinterest in sex remains, and she gets very upset when I try to discuss it or suggest counseling or even medication for a low sexual interest.

I guess I am at a low point today. I’ve felt completely deflated lately. We’re in an unusually long period of abstinance, and while I’m happy to wait through that, it would be so much easier if, in the meantime, there were more shows of physical closeness - simple gestures, like putting a hand on my leg during long drives or kisses for no reason.

The days when I’m not at work drag on forever because I notice the overwhelming absence of physical closeness and wonder what waits at the end of his period of abstinance - more of the empty intimacy we’ve come to have together.

Am I being unrealistic to expect that the flip-side of respecting one another through chastity in marriage is to expect that spouses would enthusiastically give themselves to one another in complete unity during the marital act?

 

[DihydrogenOxide]

I would say that your should pray for your wife. Return to the sacraments if you haven’t. If you can, go to daily Mass. Because you are one flesh with her, she gets some of the grace from you receiving communion.

The marital act of sex is a renewal of the marriage vows each time it is done. You are right in saying it is important.

I think more than anything your wife needs prayers. Maybe she knows about your addiction to porn? If so, you may have to express that you have changed your ways (with of course the intent to continue without viewing porn ever again)…

Women can be very hurt by that, and it is a sort of infidelity to your marriage, so you may want to set yourself straight with her.

I’ll be praying for you and your wife.

 

[06convert]

Our NFP instruction includes SPICE instruction. SPICE is simply an acronym for Spiritual, Physical, Intellectual, Creative, and Emotional communication. Does your NFP instruction get into this at all? If not, I would see if you can find some information on this.

Basically if there is an aspect of your relationship that creates a situation where one or both of you feels as though you’re doing all of the compromising, or making all of the sacrifies. Something is wrong.

Before addressing the issue you have to think about her first. You have to consider that maybe something is going on with her. Maybe there is some aspect of the relationship where she feels as though she is making all of the sacrifices or compromises. This is important as you prepare to enter any discussion. It would be counter productive to simply go in and start in about yourself. That comes off as selfish and can make it worse.

At some point, you need to have an intelligent discussion with each other about this. If you are unhappy, it’s very possible that she is too, maybe for other reasons. There could be some underlying issues that both of you are so used to “putting up with” that you don’t even realize they are there. If you are able to engage in open and honest discussion about these things, that may be a pathway to more intamacy.

While in a sacramental marriage we are expected to put our spouse first and to love them unconditionally without expecting anything in return. It’s not unfair to want your spouse to show intamacy. In a healthy relationship, intamacy is something that both people should want to show regularly. Since this doesn’t currently fit the description of your relationship one would have to assume there is something physically or mentally unstable in the relationship. But again, approach this with care, think of her before yourself. I have no idea how to approach this in a way that wont make her defensive. Maybe someone else has a suggestion for that…

Lastly. Aside from the recognized and obvious damage that pornography does to a person as well as a relationship. The subconscience and spiritual damage that it does is just as bad if not worse. This does so much more hidden damage than anyone will never know. In many ways it’s the exact same as having an affiar, which as we all know creates tons of issues. It’s hard to rule this out as a indirect cause, or at least a contributing factor to the issues you are having. Again, the issues caused by pornography are not always apparant. You may be thinking, “nah, that’s not it”. When it very well may be. Just something else to think about…

I wish you well.

 

[06convert]

I do want to add. There is a possibility that there is some sort of imbalance causing your wife to not be as “active” as you are.

However. I would advise that you push this thought to the very back of the discussion. To look at this only when any issues have been worked out. I can assure you that your wife doesn’t want to be told she needs drugs because she can’t keep up with you.

But if you have a series of good discussions with your wife, you will reach a point where both you and her (without mentioning it) will start to feel that maybe there is something more going on and she may need to get checked out. Common issues such as low Thyroid, or Cortisol levels can affect this. These are very easily fixed.

Your wife may desire to show you more intamacy, but isn’t sure how, or doesn’t feel that she can, or is being inhibited by Thyroid, or Cortisol or something like that.

Again, the only way you will get there is through discussion and again, I recommend not starting with pointing fingers or suggesting that she is imbalanced in someway.

I’ll say a prayer for you.

 

[camerong]

If you haven’t already, I think there is sound advice in the book Holy Sex!. One of the things that author talks about is that a Godly understanding of sexuality means that desire for sex is not a prerequisite to the marital act. Sex is our act of loving our spouse as Christ loves His Church. The thought that we are having sex to satisfy lust or desire is a society notion of the act, one that we must rid ourselves of. Because if we do not have that desire to satisfy, then we see sex as a favor to the other, and it breeds resentment in both parties. It is, instead, a holy duty to which we are called. It is part of loving each other as much as taking the Eucharist is part of loving Christ. I cannot hope to express it as eloquently–but is there any way you can have your wife read that book? After my wife and I read it, it completely changed our intimacy. The author of the book even has a counseling help-line, that might be a good option. I will pray for you…

 

[Awful_Things]

I would say that your should pray for your wife. Return to the sacraments if you haven’t. If you can, go to daily Mass. Because you are one flesh with her, she gets some of the grace from you receiving communion.

The marital act of sex is a renewal of the marriage vows each time it is done. You are right in saying it is important.

I think more than anything your wife needs prayers. Maybe she knows about your addiction to porn? If so, you may have to express that you have changed your ways (with of course the intent to continue without viewing porn ever again)…

Women can be very hurt by that, and it is a sort of infidelity to your marriage, so you may want to set yourself straight with her.

I’ll be praying for you and your wife.

I’ll take the posts one at a time throughout the next couple days. I try not to be on the computer very long, less because of a temptation to pornography, and more because it is too much of a time-consumption. I will mention that I feel considerable better after posting. In part, I just needed to vent somewhat confidentially.

I should mention that I’ve once again backed from pornography and self-gratification. Thank you for your continued prayers. She is not aware of the habit as it is so infrequent and during times when I’ve got the house to myself. I’ve rearranged my schedule to avoid such times for now.

However, I fully acknowledge the harm it can do and my own culpibility in veiwing.

 

[Awful_Things]

Our NFP instruction includes SPICE instruction. SPICE is simply an acronym for Spiritual, Physical, Intellectual, Creative, and Emotional communication. Does your NFP instruction get into this at all? If not, I would see if you can find some information on this.

No. I’ve heard about it, but not terribly familiar. I’ll google it later today. The physical stuff does affect all the other aspects, in large part because of the emotional energy it tends to drain from me when I feel lonely (which is truly how this affects me) and then that, in turn, affects her because I withdraw emotionally.

Basically if there is an aspect of your relationship that creates a situation where one or both of you feels as though you’re doing all of the compromising, or making all of the sacrifies. Something is wrong.

I completely agree.

Before addressing the issue you have to think about her first. You have to consider that maybe something is going on with her. Maybe there is some aspect of the relationship where she feels as though she is making all of the sacrifices or compromises. This is important as you prepare to enter any discussion. It would be counter productive to simply go in and start in about yourself. That comes off as selfish and can make it worse.

I completely agree here, too. I try to start conversations gently, but she doesn’t want to talk, saying she’s from a family that doesn’t share their emotions that way. This is why I suggesed counseling - I felt a professional, especially someone in the faith, might have a better approach. But, yes, I fully acknowledge there might be some way she feels unfulfilled. I love her enough that I would give anything to find out.

At some point, you need to have an intelligent discussion with each other about this. If you are unhappy, it’s very possible that she is too, maybe for other reasons. There could be some underlying issues that both of you are so used to “putting up with” that you don’t even realize they are there. If you are able to engage in open and honest discussion about these things, that may be a pathway to more intamacy.

Thank you. See above.

While in a sacramental marriage we are expected to put our spouse first and to love them unconditionally without expecting anything in return. It’s not unfair to want your spouse to show intamacy. In a healthy relationship, intamacy is something that both people should want to show regularly. Since this doesn’t currently fit the description of your relationship one would have to assume there is something physically or mentally unstable in the relationship. But again, approach this with care, think of her before yourself. I have no idea how to approach this in a way that wont make her defensive. Maybe someone else has a suggestion for that…

Thanks. And as I said, she doesn’t withhold when I initiate. I want to make that clear, because I really appreciate that. I know that some couples have it worse. I just don’t want to use her for a sex machine, so to speak, which to me is completely contrary to what the act is about. I really want for her to enjoy this part of the relationship. I guess the analogy would be the stuff we do for the kids, but which we really hate to do - however, we often do them with enthusiasm because we love to see their smiles. It energizes us.

Lastly. Aside from the recognized and obvious damage that pornography does to a person as well as a relationship. The subconscience and spiritual damage that it does is just as bad if not worse. This does so much more hidden damage than anyone will never know. In many ways it’s the exact same as having an affiar, which as we all know creates tons of issues. It’s hard to rule this out as a indirect cause, or at least a contributing factor to the issues you are having. Again, the issues caused by pornography are not always apparant. You may be thinking, “nah, that’s not it”. When it very well may be. Just something else to think about…

I wish you well.

Yes, I do ask your prayers. I know the damage it does, and hate that it has harmed me and the relationship in some way.

 

[06convert]

No. I’ve heard about it, but not terribly familiar. I’ll google it later today. The physical stuff does affect all the other aspects, in large part because of the emotional energy it tends to drain from me when I feel lonely (which is truly how this affects me) and then that, in turn, affects her because I withdraw emotionally.

Definitely look into it, or contact Pope Paul VI Institue. Their NFP program teaches the SPICE portion.

I completely agree here, too. I try to start conversations gently, but she doesn’t want to talk, saying she’s from a family that doesn’t share their emotions that way. This is why I suggesed counseling - I felt a professional, especially someone in the faith, might have a better approach. But, yes, I fully acknowledge there might be some way she feels unfulfilled. I love her enough that I would give anything to find out.

This is tough. I’m not sure the best way to approach it. Somehow without making it worse, you have to identify if she thinks the relationship is 100% normal. That her not feeling the desire to initiate intimacy is something she feels is normal? If she ever wishes that she felt the same way she used to? Does she think that communication is an important part of your relationship?

Thanks. And as I said, she doesn’t withhold when I initiate. I want to make that clear, because I really appreciate that. I know that some couples have it worse. I just don’t want to use her for a sex machine, so to speak, which to me is completely contrary to what the act is about. I really want for her to enjoy this part of the relationship

IF she isn’t wanting it or enjoying it. It’s not a mutual giving of each other. This just kind of messes with the whole purpose.

When a person willingly gives of themselves in the marital act. They are subconsciously saying so much more than we realize. When they give of themselves just to make the other person happy that subconscious communication is lost. That is what you are sensing that is giving you issues.

One time I had to take my wife and (playfully) made her keep kissing me until it felt like she meant it. It might be worth a shot if she’s in a good mood. .

 

[Awful_Things]

I do want to add. There is a possibility that there is some sort of imbalance causing your wife to not be as “active” as you are.

However. I would advise that you push this thought to the very back of the discussion. To look at this only when any issues have been worked out. I can assure you that your wife doesn’t want to be told she needs drugs because she can’t keep up with you.

But if you have a series of good discussions with your wife, you will reach a point where both you and her (without mentioning it) will start to feel that maybe there is something more going on and she may need to get checked out. Common issues such as low Thyroid, or Cortisol levels can affect this. These are very easily fixed.

Your wife may desire to show you more intamacy, but isn’t sure how, or doesn’t feel that she can, or is being inhibited by Thyroid, or Cortisol or something like that.

Again, the only way you will get there is through discussion and again, I recommend not starting with pointing fingers or suggesting that she is imbalanced in someway.

I’ll say a prayer for you.

I’m taking a break from playing Dora with the kids in order to watch some chicken fry (I think I’ve finally mastered my late grandmother’s recipe and technique for artery-clogging, but very good fried chicken). I thought I’d check in.

The above is my suspision. I really don’t think she gets what is wrong. I remember, a few years back, we were talking about this some, and she made a comment about a conversation she heard at work when some women were complaining about not enjoying sex, and she concluded (not in a mean way), that is was normal. I’m also afraid that’s the extreme to which people are exposed - an unhealthy extreme of sexual addiction that one sees contrasted with the cartoonish stereotype of the woman tolerating sex on the other. The healthy and spiritual balance is lost in between.

 

[Awful_Things]

If you haven’t already, I think there is sound advice in the book Holy Sex!. One of the things that author talks about is that a Godly understanding of sexuality means that desire for sex is not a prerequisite to the marital act. Sex is our act of loving our spouse as Christ loves His Church. The thought that we are having sex to satisfy lust or desire is a society notion of the act, one that we must rid ourselves of. Because if we do not have that desire to satisfy, then we see sex as a favor to the other, and it breeds resentment in both parties. It is, instead, a holy duty to which we are called. It is part of loving each other as much as taking the Eucharist is part of loving Christ. I cannot hope to express it as eloquently–but is there any way you can have your wife read that book? After my wife and I read it, it completely changed our intimacy. The author of the book even has a counseling help-line, that might be a good option. I will pray for you…

I saw this book reference in another thread. While we’re kind of broke right now, I’ve found that I can get almost any title through inter-library loan. I’ll check online with our local system tonight. Thank you for your advice. Maybe it would help for us to read it together.

 

[Awful_Things]

Definitely look into it, or contact Pope Paul VI Institue. Their NFP program teaches the SPICE portion.

I couldn’t find anything. I’ll try googling the Pope Paul Institute. If anyone has a link regarding SPICE, please post.

This is tough. I’m not sure the best way to approach it. Somehow without making it worse, you have to identify if she thinks the relationship is 100% normal. That her not feeling the desire to initiate intimacy is something she feels is normal? If she ever wishes that *she felt the same way she used to? * Does she think that communication is an important part of your relationship?

Just to clarify, referencing the part in italics, this has been an issue through all of our marriage. It’s only recently started to take a toll on me that has been difficult to handle.

IF she isn’t wanting it or enjoying it. It’s not a mutual giving of each other. This just kind of messes with the whole purpose.

When a person willingly gives of themselves in the marital act. They are subconsciously saying so much more than we realize. When they give of themselves just to make the other person happy that subconscious communication is lost. That is what you are sensing that is giving you issues.

Exactly. To that end, I would happily skip the sex and just be able to sit on the couch and kiss meaningfully, perhaps with a backrub or something. That’s what I hope people understand, which is that it is less about sex and more about an enjoyment of intimacy in general. The kissing part bothers me the most. When our kisses feel more like we are Europeans greeting each other than married lovers, I keep thinking about Pretty Woman, where she refused to kiss her clients because it was too personal. I keep asking what it is about me that keeps her from enjoying what, for most women, is a really nice experience. Just to pre-empt the comment, I know how to kiss - it isn’t that I am coming on too strong. It is just something she has admitted not enjoying on a romantic level. Case in point, both a funny story, but also somewhat telling, our priest made us kiss a second time at the altar because the first was so rushed. He was joking, of course, and there’s something to be said for “stage fright”, but …

This is, by the way, the point where I feel like I should stop posting because I don’t want it to seem like I am laying this all on her. I very much recognize my sins and inadequacies in the past, while fearing there may be some I haven’t come to terms with or acknowledged. It’s just that I’ve kept this bottled up long enough that I’m finding it very theraputic to vent anonymously. Thank you all for your time and prayers. The chicken will burn if I don’t turn back to it.

One time I had to take my wife and (playfully) made her keep kissing me until it felt like she meant it. It might be worth a shot if she’s in a good mood. .

Maybe so. I’ll give it a try.

 

[Seatuck]

domestic-church.com/CONTENT.DCC/19971201/HEALTH/NFP.HTM

Get the Holy Sex book. Read it and ask your wife to read it.

Have you tried romancing your wife? Praying for her, sacrificing for her, fasting for her? Try some of that.
Have you discussed with her some ideas about what would put her in the mood? Is she too tired? Feeling stressed? Has she studied the Theology of the body etc? Get her to read the Holy Sex Book.

 

[MercyMia]

I think your wife owes it to you and to herself (and to your kids who feed off the emotions between their parents) to figure out what is hindering her from enjoying intimacy. It could very well be a physical issue or it could be some sort of deep-seated shame or resentment. What you are seeing on the exterior probably isn’t even the tip of the iceberg on the pain she is experiencing inside.
I am not going to lecture you on how toxic pornography is to your marriage and to your self, but don’t underestimate the ways that these things can bring evil into your home.
I know you said you use NFP…were your children “planned” or “unplanned”? I hate using those words, but hopefully you know what I mean. Did your wife have the same attitude towards sex before children that she has now? Could it be that your wife has a fear of having more children? Could she have suffered from post-partum depression she never really fully came back from?

 

[Awful_Things]

I think your wife owes it to you and to herself (and to your kids who feed off the emotions between their parents) to figure out what is hindering her from enjoying intimacy. It could very well be a physical issue or it could be some sort of deep-seated shame or resentment. What you are seeing on the exterior probably isn’t even the tip of the iceberg on the pain she is experiencing inside.
I am not going to lecture you on how toxic pornography is to your marriage and to your self, but don’t underestimate the ways that these things can bring evil into your home.
I know you said you use NFP…were your children “planned” or “unplanned”? I hate using those words, but hopefully you know what I mean. Did your wife have the same attitude towards sex before children that she has now? Could it be that your wife has a fear of having more children? Could she have suffered from post-partum depression she never really fully came back from?

All good points and good questions.

All three children were “planned”, so to speak. We did start out our marriage with contraception, before we full came back to the Church. I know that, as well as other things I’ve mentioned, cause damage. At the same time, I know that the damage is surmountable. Anyway, as I mentioned before, he attitude about sex has always been the same. It caused a lot of tension early in our marriage, when I would get rejected regularly. That’s why I’ve tried to make clear that, without trying to sound patronizing, she has matured in that area in realizing the importance of intimacy, but she sees it more as a duty than a fulfillment of something central to the sacramental vision of marriage. But I want to make it clear that I have a lot of respect for the effort she makes.

On another note, I want to thank all of you for your time. I can’t express how much better I feel just being able to vent. Writing about it and getting a response helps me to put some things in perspective and to remind me of how much I love her. It’s a strong temptation to get deflated and frustrated, which could turn into bitterness and such. Continue to pray for us.

 

[MercyMia]

I think that sex is such a target for the devil because it is so tied into our identities and insecurities that it is easy for him to fool us into disordered thinking on both ends of the spectrum. I know that when a husband is wishing for more frequent intimacy, it is easy for him to get labeled as sex-crazed or bad husband.
But I think your wife does need some help from you…and it would actually make you a bad husband to let her suffer though this silently.
I think it is best to approach it as you would any other issue. Just to give it perspective, change the symptoms to something else for a moment. If your wife wasn’t eating properly…just pushing her food around her plate and not nourishing herself…you might conclude she has issues with food or perhaps an eating disorder. You might need to have her look into her childhood, what kinds of expectations and ideals about girls and food were thrust upon her. Maybe she had a moment in college where someone said something unflattering about her. As her husband, you want her to be healthy and to enjoy having a meal. It would actually make you a bad husband to allow her to suffer without intervening. Now, it is the same with her sexual/mental health.

 

[06convert]

I think that sex is such a target for the devil because it is so tied into our identities and insecurities that it is easy for him to fool us into disordered thinking on both ends of the spectrum. I know that when a husband is wishing for more frequent intimacy, it is easy for him to get labeled as sex-crazed or bad husband.
But I think your wife does need some help from you…and it would actually make you a bad husband to let her suffer though this silently.
I think it is best to approach it as you would any other issue. Just to give it perspective, change the symptoms to something else for a moment. If your wife wasn’t eating properly…just pushing her food around her plate and not nourishing herself…you might conclude she has issues with food or perhaps an eating disorder. You might need to have her look into her childhood, what kinds of expectations and ideals about girls and food were thrust upon her. Maybe she had a moment in college where someone said something unflattering about her. As her husband, you want her to be healthy and to enjoy having a meal. It would actually make you a bad husband to allow her to suffer without intervening. Now, it is the same with her sexual/mental health.

BAM. . That’s a very good insight.

 

[06convert]

I think that sex is such a target for the devil because it is so tied into our identities and insecurities that it is easy for him to fool us into disordered thinking on both ends of the spectrum. I know that when a husband is wishing for more frequent intimacy, it is easy for him to get labeled as sex-crazed or bad husband.
But I think your wife does need some help from you…and it would actually make you a bad husband to let her suffer though this silently.
I think it is best to approach it as you would any other issue. Just to give it perspective, change the symptoms to something else for a moment. If your wife wasn’t eating properly…just pushing her food around her plate and not nourishing herself…you might conclude she has issues with food or perhaps an eating disorder. You might need to have her look into her childhood, what kinds of expectations and ideals about girls and food were thrust upon her. Maybe she had a moment in college where someone said something unflattering about her. As her husband, you want her to be healthy and to enjoy having a meal. It would actually make you a bad husband to allow her to suffer without intervening. Now, it is the same with her sexual/mental health.

Great insight! I wasn’t even thinking about that angle. The stinkin devil could have a large part in this. He sees a softspot and is moving right in with his lies and deceptions. He wants you to feel lonely so that you’ll turn to him and his empty promises of happiness (pornography). Very sneaky.

 

[onmyknees]

I don’t know if you have already tried these suggestions but I wanted to give you some ideas as to what could help.

When I was young I didn’t like my body very well and it turned out that I was suffering from body dysmorphia disorder. I didn’t see how I really looked. I went to counseling and was told that I have a figure that any female would envy. I still struggle with some body dysmorphia issues but now I can see myself a little better. I am not saying that this your wife’s problem but some women just don’t like their bodies. Also my husband wasn’t very good at helping me reach an orgasm until I showed him how. Then sex was much more pleasurable for me. I also had to tell my husband to say things to me during sex so I felt desirable. This made a huge difference too. It was really hard for me to give him this advice. I did it gently. He was more that happy to help me. I know men are aroused more by the visual but women usually become aroused in their minds so talking to them can be really helpful.

 

[Awful_Things]

As of later this week, it had been over a month since we last had intercourse because we’ve just had a child, and to avoid another one before her body is ready, we are using NFP. Recently, her cycle has been crazy and, for those who know the language, she seems to have had a 10 every day or every other day.

Anyway, when she had three “infertle” days in a row (the Creighton model requires three before having intercourse on the fourth night), I tried to initiate the conversation. I told her that I felt we were needing to work together to strengthen our sex life and to help understand the purpose of it. I asked if she would be willing to read Holy Sex, which I located at our library, together at nights. She kind of balked at this, not wanting to have to read from it every night. This bothered me, to say the least. Maybe “deflated” is the right word.

The next day, when I assumed we could have intercourse, I was still feeling down in the dumps about the conversation. After we got the kids to bed (8:00), she was on the phone with her dad for about forty-five minutes (a regular part of the evening routine), and then wanted to watch Survivor. I didn’t initiate because I just wasn’t feeling very close, but I hid that and tried to be in a good mood. I fell asleep during the show.

At nearly 11:00, she asked me if I was wanting to “do stuff”, as we call it, since she hadn’t had any 10’s, or wait until the next night, “when it wasn’t so late”. When I tried to playfully consent, she replied, “Oh, you are wanting to tonight?”, as if she had hoped we could wait.

I felt knocked down again. I told her that, after our wait, I was hoping we could have made it a priority to have some special time together, something more important than the television show. I told her that, while I know her conversations with her dad are important, I wished that time with me was something she looked forward to just as much. We talked about much that I’ve written here.

In short, it was me doing most of the talking. She didn’t have much to say. We fell asleep without much resolution.

The next night - last night - we did have intercourse. She tried much harder and was affectionate, which meant a lot - it shows that she loves me and doesn’t want to have me feel hurt. I made sure to keep telling her how beautiful she was and how much it meant to be close to her.

But, I write this tonight without much enthusiasm because we’ve been through this cycle before - things “feel” improved for a week or so, which gives me the energy to try even harder to reciprocate through affection, helping out above-and-beyond, and such. But then, when she feels everything’s fine again, the problems return.

I’m reading Holy Sex by myself. I’m a little concerned by the Evangelical approach and, so far, haven’t seen much that surpases Theology of the Body, as well as what West as written responding to that. I really had hopes, though, that it was something we could read together.

Anyway, thank you all for your prayers. I’m starting to think this is a cross that I will have to carry. Sometimes I think that being married with this problem is a harder struggle than being celebate. I’m sure that I’m wrong, but lonelines is very difficult when one is called to the vocation of marriage, of temporal companionship, but does not get to experience the fullness of it.

 

[OraLabora]

I like to joke that for women to enjoy sex, the planets and stars have to be lined just so, the kids come home with great report cards, their hubby takes them out to dinner, and her mother hasn’t called in 3 days to complain she doesn’t call enough, but her mother-in-law called to get her great recipe for the meal she had when she last visited.

For a guy to enjoy sex he has to have a pulse.



Seriously, been there, done that. In fact am there right now. I think menopause is God’s cruel joke on men. I think that’s why it’s called men-o-pause.