Empty nesters trying to fit in

[m_crane]

Hi,

My husband and I have little opportunity to socialize because we are so busy working at our business. I am a world class introvert but my husband has a great need to interact with people regularly. The problem is that my husband is willing to interact with just about anyone and this sometimes lead to conflicts because I am very choosey about who I befriend.

I have to share that in our early years of marriage, all of my husbands friends where drug users and people abusing alcohol. The friends that my husband has made though out our marriage have been rough types certainly not true gentlemen . When he did meet someone decent it usually didn’t last.

Now I have encouraged my husband to join a men’s group at Church. I am very glad that he has decided to do this. I think it is good for him he wants me to interact with them socially, but now that I’ve met some of the members and their wives and I just don’t feel like I would ever fit in with this group. For one thing , they are in a clique, and that’s not a bad thing because they all have children at home and around the same ages so they have a lot in common. Our kids are grown and out of the house but we are kinda young looking for empty nesters. People are very surprised that we have children in their 30’s. My husband says he’s not ready to hang out with the old guys yet but I’m done with mommy drama so I have nothing to contribute to this group.

My husband is upset that I am not into trying to make friends with this group but being shy and an introvert, I have never been good at inserting myself into a situation where I have to work hard just to fit in.

I feel absolutely terrible about disappointing my husband, but my sense is that this is not a good match for us (at least for me) but my husband again feels that I am being too picky.

I also feel that his new friends not really friends outside the men’s group and that he is mistaking the open honest dialogue that goes on in the men’s group for real camaraderie, though I could me wrong about this. I told him to try to find some other empty nesters but he has latched onto this group.

Anyway he is very upset with me and I don’t know what to do…

 

[Viki63]

It’s hard when you’re not on the same page as your husband.
My husband and I have no friends in common, which is a shame. My husband’s friends are ex-alcoholics still struggling with temptation, Maybe you should thank God that your husband joined a church group with decent guys in it.

He might have a hard time finding another group with good morals who are empty nesters.
If it were me, I would go along and socialize occasionally, and try to be kind to the mommy drama people. I doubt that you have nothing to contribute. My kids are in their twenties and forties, and I still have insights to offer new moms – it’s all very vivid in my memory. I’m sure you could contribute as well, having survived raising children.
You don’t need to talk much, just smile and listen. People love to talk about themselves. Just ask them questions to see what their interests are. Perhaps God is working in your life to open you up to others.
At least, if you go along to some events, your husband will be encouraged to go too, and may make good friends. It may be one of the sacrifices married people make for each other.

.

 

[Anglewannabe]

Now I have encouraged my husband to join a men’s group at Church.

This statement says a lot. First, I wouldn’t be surprised if your husband is thinking ‘this is the group my wife wants me to join, she should come’. And since it is no longer about the types of friends he chooses, the reality that you both have different levels of needing friends has to be address.

Would it be possible to have some type of compromise where half the time you accompany your husband and the other half you don’t? Because honestly, a blatant refusal to ever go out with his friends is just not going to go over well.

Also, I think the fact that you no longer have young children is probably very different for you them it is for your husband. I can understand a woman with grown kids thinking ‘been there done that and I am glad it is over’

However it is different for a man. Very few father’s with young children feel the need to have long winded conversations about the best ways to get a kid to stop squirming so they can change a diaper. Most fathers like to talk about guy stuff that has nothing to do with kids. This is something hopefully you can get your husband to understand

Anie

 

[m_crane]

Hi again,

Like I said these are good folks but I feel like I 'm invading their private party. They have a support system in this group, the focus is on raising kids and the connections other child groups that they belong to.

Again , I am a serious introvert and very shy.

If you can give me sound advice on how a shy, introverted person successfully infiltrates a clique that is centered around a commonality that she is no longer engaged in, then I’m listening.

Sorry to sound so dramatic but if you knew me you would know this is the mission impossible.
My poor husband, he should have married someone else.

 

[Anglewannabe]

If you can give me sound advice on how a shy, introverted person successfully infiltrates a clique that is centered around a commonality that she is no longer engaged in, then I’m listening…

Actually, I do understand that. I have no desire to be in group where I have nothing in common with the group. After your second post, I am starting to think it would be best to just not go.

Sorry to sound so dramatic but if you knew me you would know this is the mission impossible…

It is not dramatic. If anything it goes to show you have a strong sense of self

My poor husband, he should have married someone else.

Don’t say that, I am sure you bring a lot of good to your marriage

 

[Mummsie]

Have you tried joining a Women’s Group? A Bible Study? Perhaps one of the ministries? Volunteering? If your focus is on learning more about God or serving God and others, your introvert tendencies might be a little less.

Sounds like your husband is trying to help you out. That is very kind of him. Accompanying him occasionally should be a possibility. But, if you were busy with your own group, you wouldn’t need to join his group quite so often.

God Bless you.

 

[Kelfa28]

Does your husband actually understand what it’s like to be introverted?

It certainly doesn’t sound like he does.

Being an extrovert tends to mean one draws his/her energy from being in a crowd of people and interacting with others.
They tend to be energized after attending a party or a gathering of friends.

This is the exact opposite of being introverted. An introvert tends to expel energy from being in a crowd of people and interacting.

They tend to need to lie down, unwind and do something quiet after attending a party or large gathering…it also explains why introverts like to avoid groups of people…especially groups of people they don’t have much in common with because it takes so much energy to have a dialogue with these kinds of differences.

My husband is a major introvert.
He isn’t a hermit and does enjoy the company of others…but he enjoys being with people with whom he has a lot in common with.
It makes it easier to dialogue and enjoy himself
He likes his men’s group meetings because he has quite a lot in common with the men there.

Work, on the other hand, exhausts him. He has nothing in common with anyone at his job and it takes a lot of energy for him to open up and be social…which everyone is when they have down time.
He doesn’t enjoy work lunches and would rather go off on his own during break times then be social with everyone else.

I respect that about him…but I had to do my own research to understand him a little better.

I usually didn’t bring him along to my work Christmas parties or expected him to befriend people I know.
It’s a little different know because I’ve befriended many of the wives in his men’s church group because we have a ton in common…so it’s not an issue with us.

Maybe if he could understand where you are coming from a little more?
Have him read some articles about introversion?

Also, someone suggested finding a group of people you actually have things in common with.

At my church…our Women of Grace group is huge and we have several different age groups represented.
I’ve latched on to the group of women who are younger and have young kids.
But there are women of every age group there.

Is there anything like that at your Church?
You don’t have to latch on to his friends or his friends wives…especially if it makes you feel uncomfortable.

I think he needs to understand this better.

 

[m_crane]

Hi,

As far as I know there isn’t a formal women’s group. I’m more of an Eucharistic Adoration type anyway, not the best group for make people connections. But I loved it.

Anyway, I had a chat with my husband because I remembered that a couple weeks ago he mentioned that he make an acquaintance with a man who was very interested in talking to him. I asked if the man was a part of the clique and he said no. I asked him to try to make connections with some of the men that didn’t already have a strong social group he agreed that he would try.

I just felt so awkward trying to socialize with this group.It’s certainly not their fault. My husband thought that because they are catholic that that was enough to start a friendship.
I think both sides have to have a room and a need for friendship and a bit more in common than being catholic.

I hope he can find some folks that are more open to starting a friendship.

 

[LSK]

Hi again,

Like I said these are good folks but I feel like I 'm invading their private party. They have a support system in this group, the focus is on raising kids and the connections other child groups that they belong to.

Again , I am a serious introvert and very shy.

If you can give me sound advice on how a shy, introverted person successfully infiltrates a clique that is centered around a commonality that she is no longer engaged in, then I’m listening.

Sorry to sound so dramatic but if you knew me you would know this is the mission impossible.
My poor husband, he should have married someone else.

I too am a seriously shy person. I remember when I first went for spiritual direction and it was suggested to me that my shyness was a manifestation of selfishness and self-centeredness and how shocked and hurt I was by that information.

Then I started to think about it - what is my being shy all about?

I am afraid…I am afraid you won’t like me, that I won’t say the right things or tell the right jokes or like the right things or wear the right clothes…in other words, I am inordinately concerned with ME.

ME ME ME ME ME

SO…here is what I was told to do:

Go to functions and ask how I can help. Can I help in the kitchen? Can I help clean up? Can I help serve?

I was also given the following instructions:

get off your butt and ‘work the room’ - in other words, make it a point to walk up to each person and greet them.

I was also taught to ask questions and let people talk:

“It sounds like you all belong to the same kind of Moms Group at the Church. Is it a formal group? How did it start? What do you all do?”

And then let them talk.

I hated doing it…I hated every minute of it…I was told that was too bad, offer it up for the Souls in Purgatory and just DO IT.

Today I am a Catechist, a writer, a speaker and a Dominican.

Dang those Spiritual Advisors…

 

[Anglewannabe]

Anyway, I had a chat with my husband because I remembered that a couple weeks ago he mentioned that he make an acquaintance with a man who was very interested in talking to him. I asked if the man was a part of the clique and he said no. **I asked him to try to make connections with some of the men that didn’t already have a strong social group **he agreed that he would try.

.

Please please please do not get offended, I genuinely mean this as constructive criticism. The statement I bolded comes across as controlling and the paragraph I quoted comes across as self seeking.

Friendship is about loving the other person warts and all. It is not about convenience ie ‘I will try to be friends with people that will fit my wife’s needs’. I think that there is going to have to be some compromise. If your DH hits is off with a man and they can have a healthy friendship, by all means encourage DH to have a healthy friendship with this man. If DH’s friend has a wife that is in the mom’s group, then it is going to turn into DH’s friend. And not ‘our couple friend’. And the compromise will be how much time DH goes off by himself with his friend (which I am assuming you would hope for always) and how much time DH and you will spend with his friend and the friend’s wife (which I am assuming DH will say always). Thus a workable compromise will be in order

 

[Casilda]

Were you always busy with your business while raising your kids? Were you not involved with a similar ‘moms’ group when your kids were little? I ask because our friends are mostly empty nesters or just about. We raised our families together and have remained friends. Well, except for two couples who were not happy my husband is Catholic now and I have reverted.

I am also uncomfortable in a crowd. Always have been since I child. That said, I do belong to a couple of ladies groups that gather to produce items for local charities. That is my fellowship. I can learn and grow my craft and share what I have learned with others and I can feel safe with a group of Catholic ladies of all ages.

 

[AllieT]

I wonder if you can gradually get to know one or two of the people in your husband’s group through another ministry in the church? I’m an introvert, too…40-something…we weren’t able to have kids, so I can relate to you not feeling like you fit in with the young mommy group. I usher at our church, and it’s a great way to be social in short non-exhausting spurts, and it’s allowed me to gradually get to know a few other ushers, and because of it, we’ve been led to explore other ministries There’s a lot of crossover between them. Often people do more than one thing, so it’s easier to move into a new group when you realize you already know a few of them from something you like and have already been doing. My extroverted husband is joining Knights of Columbus, but I’m not ready for the heavy social life of the Ladies Auxiliary, but because I’m active in the things I want to participate in, I’ll feel more comfortable at the Knights functions because even though I’m no Miss Social, I’ll recognize a few people. As an introvert, I have an easier time getting to know people in a slow, natural way, and on my own terms (when possible) rather than being cast out into the middle of party where I barely know anyone. Anyway, I guess my suggestion would be joining a ministry or group that YOU are interested in, and hopefully that will lead to a more comfortable existence with your husband’s group over time…

 

[m_crane]

Please please please do not get offended, I genuinely mean this as constructive criticism. The statement I bolded comes across as controlling and the paragraph I quoted comes across as self seeking.

Friendship is about loving the other person warts and all. It is not about convenience ie ‘I will try to be friends with people that will fit my wife’s needs’. I think that there is going to have to be some compromise. If your DH hits is off with a man and they can have a healthy friendship, by all means encourage DH to have a healthy friendship with this man. If DH’s friend has a wife that is in the mom’s group, then it is going to turn into DH’s friend. And not ‘our couple friend’. And the compromise will be how much time DH goes off by himself with his friend (which I am assuming you would hope for always) and how much time DH and you will spend with his friend and the friend’s wife (which I am assuming DH will say always). Thus a workable compromise will be in order

Sorry now that I read the post, it did sound a bit controlling. I didn’t express my impression that upon meeting these folks, they where polite but really didn’t seem too interested in talking to my husband either. My husband made a very big deal about my attending this meetup and threatened to quit the group if I didn’t attend.

My reminding husband that one person seemed to reach out to him a few weeks ago and that he didn’t follow up on it. Of course he must choose his friends, but I should have the freedom to choose too.

I wouldn’t even be on here if I didn’t care that he has some good social contacts, so I can’t see that I’m being selfish. I hope he continues to go to the mens group but if he is going to use it as a way to threaten me then…

 

[m_crane]

I too am a seriously shy person. I remember when I first went for spiritual direction and it was suggested to me that my shyness was a manifestation of selfishness and self-centeredness and how shocked and hurt I was by that information.

Then I started to think about it - what is my being shy all about?

I am afraid…I am afraid you won’t like me, that I won’t say the right things or tell the right jokes or like the right things or wear the right clothes…in other words, I am inordinately concerned with ME.

ME ME ME ME ME

SO…here is what I was told to do:

Go to functions and ask how I can help. Can I help in the kitchen? Can I help clean up? Can I help serve?

I was also given the following instructions:

get off your butt and ‘work the room’ - in other words, make it a point to walk up to each person and greet them.

I was also taught to ask questions and let people talk:

“It sounds like you all belong to the same kind of Moms Group at the Church. Is it a formal group? How did it start? What do you all do?”

And then let them talk.

I hated doing it…I hated every minute of it…I was told that was too bad, offer it up for the Souls in Purgatory and just DO IT.

Today I am a Catechist, a writer, a speaker and a Dominican.

Dang those Spiritual Advisors…

I’ve heard this line of thought before and it has some merit but I’m never worried about me. I’m worried about how I treat them. It’s more about not wanting to offend or hurt someone. Sometimes, if I don’t know someone I think I might say something that might hurt of offend. I might have a problem with social queues so I’m overly careful.

Once at an occasion, I said that I wanted my children to find a spouse soon before all the good ones were taken. The lady totally went off on me and I’m still not sure what I said that was so offensive. It still bothers me to this day that I couldn’t apologize or make it right because I didn’t know what I said that was wrong.

 

[EasterJoy]

I’ve heard this line of thought before and it has some merit but I’m never worried about me. I’m worried about how I treat them. It’s more about not wanting to offend or hurt someone. Sometimes, if I don’t know someone I think I might say something that might hurt of offend. I might have a problem with social queues so I’m overly careful.

Self-centered is wanting a social situation to revolve around you. Selfish is not being willing to put yourself out on someone else’s behalf.

You may only be shy or fearful of offending, but might be taken as stand-offish. All you can do is to stand in there are realize that the rash judgment of others doesn’t put you in the wrong. Bearing wrongs patiently is a spiritual work of mercy, a path to virtue. If you get bad feedback that you don’t deserve but take it graciously in order to help your husband have the social life he needs, that is an act of generosity.

Ask him how you’re doing in social situations. If he thinks you’re OK, you are probably OK. In my experience, shy people are actually fairly popular, because they do not come off as self-centered. They tend listen more than they talk, which can be very charming, particularly if they are active listeners who know enough about what you said that you don’t feel you’ve been boring them.

Maybe you don’t want to hear about dramas that you have left behind, but if you listen, give silent thanks that you don’t have to worry about that, say out loud that what is important is how the people actually having the problems look at the problem and feel about it, then you can have a clear conscience when you give yourself a nice cocoon to re-charge in later, when it is your turn to re-charge your emotional batteries by having time to yourself or time in quiet prayer.

You might try that. Stay in communication with your husband about it, though. The idea is not to martyr yourself, but to make sacrifices that actually benefit him and your other friends.

Who knows? This may be emotional and spiritual work that you would have had to do in Purgatory, if you didn’t do it now. You may easily have to spend eternity with this clique, after all. You are all aiming to be counted among the saints. Be careful to do as much as you can to ready yourself to get your wish!!

Once at an occasion, I said that I wanted my children to find a spouse soon before all the good ones were taken. The lady totally went off on me and I’m still not sure what I said that was so offensive. It still bothers me to this day that I couldn’t apologize or make it right because I didn’t know what I said that was wrong.

She may have married late in life and heard enough of this kind of “encouragement” to last her a lifetime, and then some. If that is true, your comment could be taken to mean that she and her husband were “leftovers,” and not one of the “good ones.”

Having said that, she is unlikely to have spent as time worrying about your comment as you have.

 

[As_for_my_House]

My advice to you depends entirely on what your goal is.

Is your ultimate goal to get your husband to back down so that you can remain home? Or is your ultimate goal to try and find a way to adjust and attend this group (or some other group in the future) because that is what your husband wants?

God bless.

Hi,

Yes my goal is to have my husband back off. I have no interest at this time in this particular group. I’m too busy with the people I want to connect with. My husband wants much more socializing and I understand this, but he always seems to need to include me.
I don’t understand this.
He has always been like this and whines when he presents a group to me that isn’t going to work If he wants me in a social group, he has to deal with my pickiness. By the way I’ve asked him to join Rosary or Stations of the cross, prayer is still hard for him , he has no interest. I’m OK with that.

Actually my goal was to have my husband socialize more without me and have more men friends but joining a social group was my my goal. I didn’t know that they even met family activities.

To think that every person can just fit into every group doesn’t make sense to me.
Maybe I don’t understand social groups because I’m not much of a group joiner.

I do a lot of things that I do not like to keep him happy. I hate sports but I go to sporting events to make husband happy. I hate noise but I go to rock concerts to make husband happy. I hate eating at pricey restaurants but I do this too, though I’m tuff about is now. I even go to the beach but I can’t stand the heat , sand and the ocean.

For me, he goes to museums, historical sites and even bookstores. I know he hates flea markets and shopping but he goes with me sometimes. I would like to find people we can do some of these things with but that’s a little harder.

We have begun to hang out in the city with a few people that we know from our 1 couple friend, and it is a good mix for us. concerts, fairs , art , a lot of cultural things. We invite our grown children and our extended family sometimes to join us. The problem is we have to travel a hour to get there and I think husband was hoping we could make some connections closer to home. It would be nice but our area doesn’t offer much in way of culture and events. The options seem limited to adult sports, PTA, the local watering hole, or Church activities.

 

[Sheeniac]

I too am a seriously shy person. I remember when I first went for spiritual direction and it was suggested to me that my shyness was a manifestation of selfishness and self-centeredness and how shocked and hurt I was by that information.
/QUOTE]

Being shy and being an introvert are two vastly different things. It’s tough being both, but I doubt that working on the shyness aspect would help the OP all that much.

 

[LSK]

I’ve heard this line of thought before and it has some merit but I’m never worried about me. I’m worried about how I treat them. It’s more about not wanting to offend or hurt someone. Sometimes, if I don’t know someone I think I might say something that might hurt of offend. I might have a problem with social queues so I’m overly careful.

Once at an occasion, I said that I wanted my children to find a spouse soon before all the good ones were taken. The lady totally went off on me and I’m still not sure what I said that was so offensive. It still bothers me to this day that I couldn’t apologize or make it right because I didn’t know what I said that was wrong.

I am not sure what you said that was so offensive either…but I wasn’t there so I cannot comment on what the other person may have heard.

If you are more concerned about them, then it is fear that you will be misinterpreted? Is that correct?

I am as socially awkward as they come - constantly putting my foot in my mouth - so I do just ask about others…let them swallow their own toes and I can just smile, nod and look interested.

As my Spiritual Adviser says, “honey just go out there and look alert…after all, we need more lerts…”

 

[LSK]

LSK;13121552:

I too am a seriously shy person. I remember when I first went for spiritual direction and it was suggested to me that my shyness was a manifestation of selfishness and self-centeredness and how shocked and hurt I was by that information.
/QUOTE]

Being shy and being an introvert are two vastly different things. It’s tough being both, but I doubt that working on the shyness aspect would help the OP all that much.

I understand there is a difference between the two but I do not understand how working on the shyness aspect would not help the OP that much?