Empty Nesters

[Srsk8r]

We’ve been married almost 40 yrs. Children are gone, but I have a 97 yr old father that needs my attention. My husband feels my first priority is to him and our home and life. I’ve always put my husband family first. Now that we are retired I’d also hoped to get involved with some activities and interests for myself. Is it my Christian duty to forget about my interests and family duties?

 

[Xantippe]

“My husband feels my first priority is to him and our home and life.”

Concretely, what are the conflicts that are coming up?

Your husband is right that he should come first, but unless he has some serious disability, he doesn’t need you home all the time. And even if he did have a serious disability and needed 24/7 care, it would be good for you to get an occasional break.

It is possible to go totally overboard on outside commitments, but a couple of engagements a week will be good for you and ensure that you have something to talk about when you are home together. And he should also develop his interests. For instance, I know of a couple of older retired Catholic guys who run food pantries.

With regard to your father, you can ask your husband what kind of care and attention he expects from his married daughters when he is 97. Whatever he would like to get from his daughters, he should allow you to give to your father.

 

[Abba]

We’ve been married almost 40 yrs. Children are gone, but I have a 97 yr old father that needs my attention. My husband feels my first priority is to him and our home and life. I’ve always put my husband family first. Now that we are retired I’d also hoped to get involved with some activities and interests for myself. Is it my Christian duty to forget about my interests and family duties?

You have a serious moral and Christian obligation to your father. I suggest you discuss with your husband the fact that it is in giving that we receive. It’s not good to be selfish. Taking the responsibility needed to take care of your elderly father will enrich both of your lives.

Would it be right for a parent to neglect a three year old to take care the needs and wants of the husband, career or whatever? No. So, neither is it right to neglect your father who now needs you. You wouldn’t have wanted him to neglect you when you were vulnerable and your husband wouldn’t have wanted to be neglect when he was vulnerable.

Neither can you say that it is Corban.

Mark: 9-13
9 And he continued, “You have a fine way of setting aside the commands of God in order to observe[c] your own traditions! 10 For Moses said, ‘Honor your father and mother,’[d] and, ‘Anyone who curses their father or mother is to be put to death.’[e] 11 But you say that if anyone declares that what might have been used to help their father or mother is Corban (that is, devoted to God)— 12 then you no longer let them do anything for their father or mother. 13 Thus you nullify the word of God by your tradition that you have handed down. And you do many things like that.”

 

[Catholic1954]

We’ve been married almost 40 yrs. Children are gone, but I have a 97 yr old father that needs my attention. My husband feels my first priority is to him and our home and life. I’ve always put my husband family first. Now that we are retired I’d also hoped to get involved with some activities and interests for myself. Is it my Christian duty to forget about my interests and family duties?

Your husband is right, your first loyalty is to him and the marriage, but that doesn’t mean you have to be on 24/7 standby to cater to his every whim. You have every right to help your father as needed and to pursue interests of your own.

 

[Abba]

CCC:

2218 The fourth commandment reminds grown children of their responsibilities toward their parents. As much as they can, they must give them material and moral support in old age and in times of illness, loneliness, or distress. Jesus recalls this duty of gratitude.23

For the Lord honored the father above the children, and he confirmed the right of the mother over her sons. Whoever honors his father atones for sins, and whoever glorifies his mother is like one who lays up treasure. Whoever honors his father will be gladdened by his own children, and when he prays he will be heard. Whoever glorifies his father will have long life, and whoever obeys the Lord will refresh his mother.24
O son, help your father in his old age, and do not grieve him as long as he lives; even if he is lacking in understanding, show forbearance; in all your strength do not despise him. . . . Whoever forsakes his father is like a blasphemer, and whoever angers his mother is cursed by the Lord.25

vatican.va/archive/ccc_css/archive/catechism/p3s2c2a4.htm

 

[Linusthe2nd]

We’ve been married almost 40 yrs. Children are gone, but I have a 97 yr old father that needs my attention. My husband feels my first priority is to him and our home and life. I’ve always put my husband family first. Now that we are retired I’d also hoped to get involved with some activities and interests for myself. Is it my Christian duty to forget about my interests and family duties?

You haven’t given us much to go on. Is your Father well cared for where he is? Does he live alone? Your husband shouldn’t begrudge your helping your Father shop once a week and to take him to the Doctor’s office or to other appointments once or twice a week.

You don’t have to cook for your husband three times a day anymore if that means neglecting the legitimate needs of your Father. I assume your husband is healthy and able to function on his own. Remind him that his day may be just around the corner. And we do have the duty to honor our parents as long as it doesn’t violate our own real family responsibilities. With your kids grown and gone, you should have a little more freedom, not only for yourself but for your Father and to volunteer your services in other ways as well. Is your husband retired? If so, he has even less reason to complain.

Linus2nd.

 

[Tampa_Dave]

My wife and I were married for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health. But not for lunch every day. My wife has her activities and I have mine. She is a Charismatic Catholic and attends a different parish. I attend Latin Mass elsewhere. We have mutual friends with whom we associate, but she also has a few girlfriends that she does activities with (usually Church-related). I have a few friends I meet with a few friends for espresso and cigars or sporting events. We trust each other completely. Its been a well balanced 28+ years of marriage. Take my commentary for what it’s worth.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

We’ve been married almost 40 yrs. Children are gone, but I have a 97 yr old father that needs my attention. My husband feels my first priority is to him and our home and life. I’ve always put my husband family first. Now that we are retired I’d also hoped to get involved with some activities and interests for myself. Is it my Christian duty to forget about my interests and family duties?

This isn’t even close to enough to go off of. Of course now that you have an empty nest your husband wants to spend time with you and reconnect! And regardless of how old your children are, your first priority will always be your husband.

But…that doesn’t mean neglecting your father or forgetting about your interests. You can have a balance of both. What if you make one day a week your individual day to do whatever you want? Say that every Wednesday, you and your husband agree that you go your separate ways and do whatever you wish.

As for your father, if it’s just helping him a few times a week, there should be no problem with that. However, if you’re talking about being a full-time caretaker or spending several hours every day with your father, you might be taking too much time away from the husband who clearly wants to take this opportunity to get back to your marriage.

 

[EnglishTeacher]

We’ve been married almost 40 yrs. Children are gone, but I have a 97 yr old father that needs my attention. My husband feels my first priority is to him and our home and life. I’ve always put my husband family first. Now that we are retired I’d also hoped to get involved with some activities and interests for myself. Is it my Christian duty to forget about my interests and family duties?

Your 97-year old father won’t be around forever, as of course you know. My thought is that I would want to know in my heart, once he is gone, that I did all I could to make sure that he was comfortable and happy and not lonely in his old age, and that we enjoyed together the time he had left.

That doesn’t mean, of course that you should neglect your husband, but surely your husband should understand that for a while, your father will need some extra attention.