N
Norm640
Guest
I am almost 37 and have OCD and depression stemming from that. And I’ve realized some things about me.
1)Loneliness is the way it is going to be for me. Even if I find someone, which I won’t, loneliness is just how I feel all the time.
2)I will never be normal, I’ll never be like I was when I was 19. Everything is different for me, and I have to accept this.
3)Accepting this makes me feel like a total failure in life. I feel empty and by myself all the time.
I have asked God to give me someone’s disease, so that I may save this person and end my life. I know this is irrational, but I don’t know what else to do.
If you look at pictures of me, from when I was a tiny child to now, I never smile. I have always worried, I’ve never been completely happy.
I am out of work, I really need a job. I have an upcoming job interview for a utility company. I really hope I get this. I need money badly. But a part of me tells myself that even if I get this job, I’ll still be the same person and still have my problems and won’t be happy.
I don’t know what would make me happy.
OCD sufferers tend to be self-absorbed and selfish. But the reason we are is because we are afraid of losing control and hurting others. My life is full of nothing but the charred ruins of relationships, opportunities, etc. All destroyed by me because of my OCD. If anyone on here tells me to man up and all that they are really committing a sin because they are showing indifference and an inability to be patient and try to understand.
I spend my whole life trying to get people to understand me. And no one does. It exacerbates my loneliness.
I am so far gone now I don’t even know what I want, or what my hopes are. My goals are to go day by day and just survive. I want peace in my head I guess. I want to be someone else.
There is a Johnny Cash song called “Hurt”. It is a cover song of the song by Nine-Inch Nails. The lyrics are about a drug addict, but they could have been written by a person with OCD:
“What have I become
My sweetest friend?
Everyone I know goes away
In the end.”
or
“Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear,
You are someone else,
I am still right here.”
or
“If I could start again,
A Million Miles Away
I would keep myself
I would find a way.”
I have not changed in 20 years. I am in limbo, sitting on the edge. I have never had a real romantic relationship, never had a career, will never have children. There is no legacy of mine. The last 20 years have been a blur, and I am waiting for my life to begin. But my life is never going to change. I’d love to go back and change it.
Please pray for something I can hold onto in my life. Thank you.
1)Loneliness is the way it is going to be for me. Even if I find someone, which I won’t, loneliness is just how I feel all the time.
2)I will never be normal, I’ll never be like I was when I was 19. Everything is different for me, and I have to accept this.
3)Accepting this makes me feel like a total failure in life. I feel empty and by myself all the time.
I have asked God to give me someone’s disease, so that I may save this person and end my life. I know this is irrational, but I don’t know what else to do.
If you look at pictures of me, from when I was a tiny child to now, I never smile. I have always worried, I’ve never been completely happy.
I am out of work, I really need a job. I have an upcoming job interview for a utility company. I really hope I get this. I need money badly. But a part of me tells myself that even if I get this job, I’ll still be the same person and still have my problems and won’t be happy.
I don’t know what would make me happy.
OCD sufferers tend to be self-absorbed and selfish. But the reason we are is because we are afraid of losing control and hurting others. My life is full of nothing but the charred ruins of relationships, opportunities, etc. All destroyed by me because of my OCD. If anyone on here tells me to man up and all that they are really committing a sin because they are showing indifference and an inability to be patient and try to understand.
I spend my whole life trying to get people to understand me. And no one does. It exacerbates my loneliness.
I am so far gone now I don’t even know what I want, or what my hopes are. My goals are to go day by day and just survive. I want peace in my head I guess. I want to be someone else.
There is a Johnny Cash song called “Hurt”. It is a cover song of the song by Nine-Inch Nails. The lyrics are about a drug addict, but they could have been written by a person with OCD:
“What have I become
My sweetest friend?
Everyone I know goes away
In the end.”
or
“Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear,
You are someone else,
I am still right here.”
or
“If I could start again,
A Million Miles Away
I would keep myself
I would find a way.”
I have not changed in 20 years. I am in limbo, sitting on the edge. I have never had a real romantic relationship, never had a career, will never have children. There is no legacy of mine. The last 20 years have been a blur, and I am waiting for my life to begin. But my life is never going to change. I’d love to go back and change it.
Please pray for something I can hold onto in my life. Thank you.