Encouragement for singles waiting for marriage

[Norseman82]

I don’t think that priests can handle it any more than any of us, who have not chosen religious life can handle it. But, God chose them for a particular vocation–He will provide the necessary grace and the man must also align his will with God. I don’t think that someone can know one way or the other if he/she can handle celibacy in discerning religious life…but, most likely what happens is that a person is called to religious life, and he/she discerns that the calling is greater than their desire to not be celibate. That’s my hunch. Not that they desire to be single, on their own.

Have you discerned religious life at any time in your life?

Let me tell you what a priest said when he was in the seminary. Celibacy is a part of the discernment process, and the hard part about celibacy is projecting yourself into your 40s and 50s and seeing people your age with children and grandchildren and asking yourself if you can handle that missing part of your life. That pretty much answered my questions.

Please sit back and listen to and learn from those who have actually been through this discernment process.

 

[ack]

If you rely on other people to make you happy, then you’ll never be truly happy. People are imperfect, and other people rarely behave how we’d like them to.

Finding a spouse will make our lives better and more fulfilling, but, in the end, we should be able to live a happy life regardless of what other people are doing and how they’re relating to us.

If you need to find a girlfriend and get married to be happy, then you’ll be completely dependent on your wife for happiness. When she disappoints you, you’ll find yourself unable to be happy , and we’re back at square one.

(This goes for everyone on this thread, not just you.)

That makes about as much sense as telling a cancer patient that he or she needs to be content with their cancer before you will give them chemo, or telling a kid whose stomach is growling from hunger that you will feed him/her only when the stomach stops growling - IT ONLY GETS WORSE!

Maybe it takes someone who has actually discerned priesthood to know that an intricate part of that discernment is determining if you can handle lifelong celibacy - if you can’t handle it, it’s not for you. If I could be happy being single for the rest of my life than that means I can handle lifelong celibacy and I’d probably already be wearing a collar. But I’ve discerned otherwise. I think this lesson of discernment needs to be reasserted more to counter the creeping Calvinism that is infecting our discernment process.

Additionally, for some of us, lack of family IS the issue, and the only way I will get a family is by getting married and having kids.

 

[Norseman82]

If you rely on other people to make you happy, then you’ll never be truly happy. People are imperfect, and other people rarely behave how we’d like them to.

Finding a spouse will make our lives better and more fulfilling, but, in the end, we should be able to live a happy life regardless of what other people are doing and how they’re relating to us.

If you need to find a girlfriend and get married to be happy, then you’ll be completely dependent on your wife for happiness. When she disappoints you, you’ll find yourself unable to be happy , and we’re back at square one.

(This goes for everyone on this thread, not just you.)

You’d have a different attitude if you had lost your entirew immediate family early in life…

 

[valient_Lucy]

The problem is that those words have the opposite effect, because it makes a person feel they they are not ready for marriage by making him/her think that the reason that they are not married has to do with some fault with their relationship with God. As I implied previously, how many of us can achieve that level of perfection in our relationship with God in this life?

As someone who was robbed of an immediate family early in life and simply trying to restore a family, it is insulting to my intelligence and hard work to watch good Catholic women reject good Catholic men saving it for their wives to run off with fornicating pagan frat-boy types and instead of people calling these brain-screwed on backward types on the carpet they have the nerve to imply that the hard-working Catholic men saving it for their wives are the ones who are not right enough with God. Absolutely sickening.

And I’m sure there are women out there who have the same frustrations.

I agree, this post is not comforting, it implies that it’s the single person’s fault for not being married, or that marriage is a reward for good behavior! Most of us already believe that latter! Plus, it makes single people feel guilty for wanting marriage!

This is just more proof that modern society has given young single people a very raw deal, and that the Church is doing nothing to help.

BTW, i hope you’ll stop by the Singles Clubhouse.

 

[sanctamaria17]

I’m not trying to say that it’s the single person’s fault for wanting marriage or that it’s a “reward” for good behavior. I’m just trying to say that we should be seeking God before a good spouse, that we shouldn’t depend on marriage as the key to happiness.

I’ve seen this in friends anxious for marriage, dating, relationships, etc. One of my friends (who just turned 18) even said that if someone asked her to marry him, she’d say yes in a heartbeat. Another girl I met is 23 and worries that she’ll never be able to find a husband. And she’s a very good Catholic, very intelligent, and she’s gorgeous on top of that!

I used to be this way. When I was with my boyfriend, I thought he was my world and did everything to preserve our relationship. Then, I felt that God was telling me to get out, that it wasn’t good for me. I tried to block it out, then we broke up right after we left for college.

I’m glad that happened. Now, I’m free to live my life without that drama. I love having friends who are guys, who act like they could be my brothers (three of my guy friends down here are like that and I love it! We’re always teasing each other and acting crazy). I love hanging out with girls and just being a girl. Mainly, I love learning about myself and taking this opportunity to grow into myself. To be honest, marriage is far off from my mind right now and I don’t want to be in a dating relationship.

I see myself becoming a missionary doctor and going to the ends of the earth. If marriage becomes part of that, then good. If I accomplish that as a religious sister, good. If I do it as a single laywoman, then good. I believe in God’s Providence and know that no matter what, He’s by my side. I know I can never complete anyone, nor can they complete me. Only God can do that. Marriage is part of His plan, but it’s not His complete plan for human existence.

 

[whatevergirl]

Have you discerned religious life at any time in your life?

Let me tell you what a priest said when he was in the seminary. Celibacy is a part of the discernment process, and the hard part about celibacy is projecting yourself into your 40s and 50s and seeing people your age with children and grandchildren and asking yourself if you can handle that missing part of your life. That pretty much answered my questions.

Please sit back and listen to and learn from those who have actually been through this discernment process.

I’m saying one doesn’t come to the decision to be married or non married…on one’s own, if he/she is truly discerning life according to God’s will. That’s the only point I was trying to make.

 

[ChristineML]

Let me tell you what a priest said when he was in the seminary. Celibacy is a part of the discernment process, and the hard part about celibacy is projecting yourself into your 40s and 50s and seeing people your age with children and grandchildren and asking yourself if you can handle that missing part of your life. That pretty much answered my questions.

But isn’t life a series of trade-offs? Yes, a priest in his 40’s and 50’s won’t have children and grandchildren, but he will have other things that husbands/fathers in their 40’s and 50’s won’t. The priest will have the consolation of Holy Orders: Baptizing people into God’s adopted family, giving healing and peace from hearing Confessions and giving absolution, AWE of conferring (is that the right word?) the Blessed Sacrament among us, visiting the sick in hospitals or homes for Anointing of the Sick, comforting the dying and their families by administering Last Rites, like a midwife for souls delivering them into the next life. The priest should have some sense of pride in his leadership role in educating others in Faith and morals, having parishioners as his spiritual children, taking pride in their growth and accomplishments, taking pride in their trust and confidence in him.

The priest should also have a sense of brotherhood among fellow-priests in his diocese or religious order, for emotional/psychological friendship needs as well as help bearing each other’s burdens and understanding each other’s difficulties. Most priests have extended family (and friends outside the priesthood) that they can continue to interact with to fill some of the emotional/psychological need for human connection without wife and children. Can’t the love they have for nieces and nephews fill some of the void from lack of one’s own children? The priest will also have advanced theological education from seminary, plus (hopefully) continuing religious education from spiritual reading and retreats and (hopefully) a deeply spiritual prayer life, more so than the average lay man, if only because of no time constraints from responsibilities to wife and children. These should lead to a deeper knowledge and intimacy with God, the best Lover of all.

So the priest in his 40’s and 50’s doesn’t have NOTHING. Granted the priesthood isn’t for everyone, but aren’t the things I mentioned (and I hope an actual priest could come up with a lot more) some consolation for lack of wife, children, grandchildren? Aren’t priests’ lives just as full as married people’s lives, just full of different things?

 

[sandraladeda]

**And what is the source of that quotation? Is it from a private revelation or is it something that someone made up? ** If the latter, the author had better be prepared to answer for the crime of putting words into God's mouth. Otherwise, this is just more theologically suspect nonsense that is just a problem avoidance technique designed to tell single people "shut up and don't bother me with your problems" and lay a guilt trip for actually daring to desire a better life.

I received the same quote in an email last week and actually posted it in the “St. Monica pray for us” thread here in the Family Life forum. The message sent to me was titled “St. Anthony on Love”, and the message was forwarded to me by a trusted Sister in Christ in response to some difficulties I have had in my marriage. It made perfect sense for me, offered support in my discouragement with my lonely marriage to an emotionally absent husband, who has no belief, is disdainful of my strong Catholic faith, and undermines my efforts towards the formation of our children. I personally found comfort in the message, in the reminder that I need to focus on loving Christ, not on fixing my husband or my marriage. I know that there is nothing I will do that will change anything except pray and work towards growing ever closer to Christ, loving him more and more, better and better.

Anyone who is discouraged by this message in the OP is likely caught up in a belief that life is fair, and that God somehow owes us all an equal shot at romantic love. Maybe your sister or your friend do not have to work at love in the same way you do, I know many people for whom it seems love has come easily, and whose husbands have come to faith very easily, while my husband continues to resist my efforts towards his conversion. It doesn’t seem fair. However, this marriage of mine is my cross to bear, and through it, God has given me my path to holiness. I may have to work harder on my own character before all my prayers are answered. This makes sense to me, i accept it. The message, “St. Anthony on Love” is a gentle, hopeful reminder for me.

imho

 

[catherine_m]

I found this going through a file of articles I’ve been saving…

SINGLE

Everyone longs to give themselves completely to someone: to have a deep soul relationship with another; to be loved thoroughly and exclusively. But God says to a Christian:

"No, not until you are satisfied and fulfilled and content with loving and being loved by Me alone; with giving yourself totally and unreservedly to Me; to have an intensely personal and unique relationship with Me alone. I love you, my child. And until you discover that only in Me is your satisfaction to be found, you will not be capable of the perfect human relationship that I have planned for you. You will never be united with another until you become united with Me, exclusive of anyone or anything else, exclusive of any other desires or longings. I want you to stop planning, stop wishing, and allow Me to give you the most thrilling plan existing…one that you cannot imagine. I want you to have the best! Please allow me to bring it to you.

"Just keep watching Me, expecting the greatest things. Keep experiencing the satisfaction of knowing that I AM. Keep learning and listening to the things I tell you. You must wait. Don’t be anxious. Don’t worry. Don’t look around at the things others have gotten or that I have given them. You just keep looking off and away to Me, or you’ll miss what I want to show you. Then, when you’re ready, I’ll surprise you with a love far more wonderful than you would ever dream.

“You see, until you are ready, and until the one I have planned for you is ready…until you are both satisfied exclusively with Me and the life I have prepared for you, you won’t be able to experience the love that exemplifies your relationship with Me – and is thus perfect love. And dear one, I want you to have this most wonderful love. I want you to see in one flesh a picture of your relationship with Me, and to enjoy, materially and concretely, the everlasting union of beauty and perfection and love that I offer you with Myself. Know that I am God Almighty. Believe and be satisfied…”

Thanks Christine for posting this. It’s really beautiful and gives me great hope and encouragement. Catherine

 

[writingluver5]

That was beautiful. I’ve read that before, and that’s pretty much what God’s been telling me. I normally am a rebel (in a good way ), but this is one of the few things that I can give everything over to God for. Heck, why plan myself when there’s a better one out there?

 

[valient_Lucy]

A single person can do exactly what he wants, almost all of the time. If I want to throw in my job and go backpacking round France for six months, there’s no-one saying I can’t.

I know you mean well, but that attitude is part of the problem, not part of the solution.

1 Should we tell a married person who has been struggling to conceive, “Well, now you can spend your money on vacations and cars and not on children. You should be happy!” That attitude is very much in line with the world’s way of thinking, where “He who dies with the most toys (or having taken the most exotic vacations) wins.”

2 St. Paul encourages people to view singleness as a gift, but not as an opportunity to “do exactly what we want.” St. Paul tells us that a single person is free to serve God.

3 Telling single people to console themselves by indulging in selfishness also belittles marriage. “Why would you want to get married since you won’t be able to do whatever you want?” For that matter, it also works to belittle the priesthood or a religious vocation. “Why would you want to be a priest since you won’t be able to do whatever you want?”

I’m not saying that you possess any of these attitudes, I’m just saying that platitudes like that express a large degree of selfishness, that is contrary to the Gospel.

 

[Tracyms1974]

I like the post. It is encouraging, I must say. Only thing I might say is “wrong” with it is that it makes the assumption that everyone gets married. Some people become priests and nuns and they’re happy. But hey, this is a Catholic forum, so really, even that possiblility goes without saying. Thanks for trying to make us smile when being single is oh, so hard sometimes.

Tracy

 

[Norseman82]

I’m just trying to say that we should be seeking God before a good spouse,

What makes you think we’re not???

but aren’t the things I mentioned (and I hope an actual priest could come up with a lot more) some consolation for lack of wife, children, grandchildren?

For some yes, for some no. That is part of the discernment process.

Most priests have extended family

What about the people who don’t??? I repeat, for some getting married and having children is the only way to have a family life (I will comment on how the Church values this as important later in this post).

I received the same quote in an email last week and actually posted it in the “St. Monica pray for us” thread here in the Family Life forum. The message sent to me was titled “St. Anthony on Love”, and the message was forwarded to me by a trusted Sister in Christ in response to some difficulties I have had in my marriage.

I tried to Google this, and the only two hits on the entire internet were this thread and the other thread you referenced! So, until we can verify the source of this (was it really from St. Anthony??), I must treat that with suspicion.

Anyone who is discouraged by this message in the OP is likely caught up in a belief that life is fair,

Whoa, whoa, whoa, time out! As Catholic Christians, are we not supposed to make life fairer? Otherwise all this anawim/preferential option/social justice talk is just a bunch of hypocrisy.

If you rely on other people to make you happy, then you’ll never be truly happy. People are imperfect, and other people rarely behave how we’d like them to.

Finding a spouse will make our lives better and more fulfilling, but, in the end, we should be able to live a happy life regardless of what other people are doing and how they’re relating to us.

If you need to find a girlfriend and get married to be happy, then you’ll be completely dependent on your wife for happiness. When she disappoints you, you’ll find yourself unable to be happy , and we’re back at square one.

(This goes for everyone on this thread, not just you.)

I have to revisit this response because the more I think about it, it is so theologically WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG that it is frightening that Catholics on this forum would be taken in by it!

First, it was God Who said “It is not good for the man to be alone” (Gen.2:18) and that is why He created woman. And the cathechism talks about the vocation to marriage being indstilled in our very nature (CCC 1603).

Second, CCC 1603 also quotes Gaudium and Spes: “The well-being of the individual person and of both human and Christian society is closely bound up with the healthy state of conjugal and family life”. Repeat: conjugal and family life. So, yes, for the most part, there is a part of us that does indeed need another. Again, most of you probably do not know what it is like to lose a family early; I know of only one other poster on this thread who can relate, and she herself is married! Maybe it takes having your family ripped from you to truly appreciate the value of family.

Between the first and second points, the conclusion is CLEAR: we were not built to be alone! But the Gloria Steinem/Betty Friedan/“Feminazi Mistake” crowd have poisoned society by rejecting how we were built with their “you don’t need a man”/“you are better off alone” messages that have permeated society since the 1970s. This is messing with nature, and you know what they say about the dangers of messing with nature…and we have been seeing the disastrous results ever since.

Third, the NCCB website has a section (I posted it in another thread as well) “Making a Case for Marriage”: usccb.org/laity/marriage/makingacase.shtml.

There are two sections entitled “Why Is Marriage Good For Both Men and Women?” and “How Does Society Benefit From Strong Marriages?” that also refute what Ack says.

 

[chevalier]

I believe I first found this article in the context of preparing chastity talks for teenagers, but it also applies to young or even not-so-young adults. Many singles, especially young women I have to say, are so impatient to find “the one” that they flail around going from relationship to relationship trying desperately to find Mr. Right, whom they just KNOW will make them HAPPY and fulfill EVERY emotional need they have. They fail to use their singleness as a season of preparing themselves in many different ways (including spiritual) to be a confident, mature, capable person, not desperate to find someone to “complete” them, but content to rest in God, alone if He would have it so.

Agreed. However, I don’t believe such people should be taught theologically unproven claims such as that God picks our spouses.

I think if we can let go of our desperate wanting, we can hear God more clearly.

Of course. And we’re happier, too.

I think if we trust in God that He loves us and wants good things for us, then we can relax and be more patient for Him to make His will known to us, about marriage to this or that person or even about marriage at all.

Yup. But I still have some reservations about discerning God’s will with regard to whom we should marry. We could say that marrying for the wrong reasons and/or with the wrong person (wrong for some actual reasons) could be a wrong thing to do, therefore against God’s will, but I’m not sure if there’s even such a thing as a person the best for us and the most in accordance with God’s will for us to marry. Perhaps, perhaps not. I certainly pray for help in this area, at times I even pray to God that He would place on my way someone of His choosing, but I’m not sure about the claim of hand-picking spouses.

And in spite of my great romantic bent, I agree that while God knows in advance whom we’ll marry (or even if we’ll marry), I don’t think there’s only one person in the entire world “meant” for us, and if we miss that one person then we’ve just blown our only chance for happiness.

That’s a complex problem, but I think there’s no single chance. Which saint (perhaps St. Therese…) said grace once offered won’t be offered again? Still, God doesn’t treat us with a one chance policy. We always get a chance to repent, improve, sin no more. Same way, I don’t think our mistakes do hold such a weight as missing the only one person and being unhappy forever.

However, in the concrete lives of specific people, there is perhaps a strong candidate, a “natural” candidate and those matchings sometimes don’t work out. Then it may look like the only fate-given chance didn’t work. Sometimes it may be hard to find another opportunity. I certainly value potential candidates myself, but I prefer to see the future for what it is - largely unknown, therefore marrying just in case the person stops being available and there’s no better candidate in the future, is a bad idea. Well, generally. For some people, it does work like that (i.e. picking a good candidate at some point and just working on the future, no big love stories).

I think there are several different people who can bring us closer to God and help us learn the life lessons He wants us to learn here on earth. I think if we second-guess ourselves, “Is he the ONE?” or worse, “WAS he the one, and I just blew my chance?” then we’re just torturing ourselves and failing to just let God be God.

Actually, I think any male and any female Catholic, available for each other to marry, excepting gross differences in age (or similar) or other unusual circumstances, would be able to make it work, with enough effort. So yes, two random people from the street, if they were willing to accept and perform the duties, could make it work. Except marriage isn’t exactly about that.

I was really surprised by the negative responses posted here; I completely didn’t read the article that way at all, and so I had to sit back and just digest the negative viewpoints for a while.

Well, perhaps they were overreacted, the negative responses. However, the idea that God hand-picks our spouses isn’t anywhere in the Bible. There’s probably a reason why so many people believe in it - and that belief is older than just the recent years.

 

[chevalier]

Thank you for posting that; it was just what I needed right now. I was feeling disappointed, and despite my telling myself to stop thinking about it, I find myself wondering, just like you said, “is he the one” or “was he the one and I just blew my chance” quite often. That disappointment is intensified when I see people walking across campus holding hands or when I see my friends happy in their boy/girl friends and even in some cases their husbands/wives. And here’s me, never been on a date. So, basically, THANK YOU for posting that; I will post it on Facebook as a reminder for me and some of my friends who aren’t “waiting” until marriage, as one unfortunatly told me what happened this weekend. Hopefully she’ll read the note…

The person has become the most important person in the world and that person is going. That’s what creates the, “the only one chance is gone,” effect.

 

[chevalier]

Anyone who is discouraged by this message in the OP is likely caught up in a belief that life is fair, and that God somehow owes us all an equal shot at romantic love.

He doesn’t. But He doesn’t hand-pick, “the only one person,” either, I think. I may be wrong, though.