Encouraging wife to explore deeper spirituality

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aquinasmind said:
I’m never said she had to have a Spirituality like mine, I simply said mine was expressive and more charismatic. What I DID say is that I wanted her to develop a spirituality INDPENDENT from mine; for it not to look like mine and for her simply initiate prayer on her own once in a while. I really wish people would read what is posted, not what they think was posted based on their own pr conceived notion. I must return to work. This has become upsetting
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I’ll bet it has.
One thing that every person posting a thread should remember is to
  1. not post in haste
  2. re-read for clarity (so many people come back with “I didn’t mean that!”
  3. try to imagine YOU are the object of the post, if you’re speaking about someone else. It often unintentionally sounds really harsh.
  4. Why would you assume that an atheist is unfeeling? :confused:
I agree, this thread is really upsetting.
I’m out.
 
Maybe I am just simple minded but I didn’t read the OP’s post in anyway in the negative or controlling. I think he simply wants to offer encouragement.

Leading prayer might not deepen her prayer life. I find myself clamming up when asked to lead devotionals. I do it but I am aware of mistakes that I “may” make and really it doesn’t deepen my prayer. I am too self -conscious 😊 Maybe that is how she feels.

If you guys have the opportunity to sit in adoration or just in front of the Blessed Sacrament that will help to deepen her. It takes awhile to hear the inner voice but just sitting in front of Jesus has done a lot for me and most people I know. There have been wonderful “suggestions” received during these times which has deepened my prayer life.

🙂
 
Here’s the deal pickle, how this all came about on the first place is I asked my wife how her prayer/relationship with God was going. I asked her if she prays everyday, she said no. I asked her if she prays when I’m not around, she said not often. All I’m asking for is ways to gently encourage her to pray. I never once said in my post that she had to pray like I did. I got frustrated because many of you assume that’s what I said or meant. My wife is closed off about bringing up her faith on her own. Yes, I am concerned about her prayer life and I’m sorry that some of you think it’s so outrageous for me to be concerned about her relationship with God that if we were married you would lash out with profanity? Is it ridiculous to ask her how she is feeling or is this “poking and prodding?” I suppose I could be like many husbands and not give a darn about my wife at all! Hey the game’s on, right? Also I have noticed that my wife is stressed, but hey encouraging her to turn to prayer is just so tabboo apparently. In fact forbyour information I offer suggestions like, this worked for me, but find what works for you. I haven’t done half the things you guys accused me of. Why the heck are you even Catholic if you shouldn’t bear witness to the truth of the Gospel to your own families?
 
I thought this was a place where we discuss the Catholic faith and how to deepen all our relationships with GOD
 
aquinasmind said:
Here’s the deal pickle, how this all came about on the first place is I asked my wife how her prayer/relationship with God was going. I asked her if she prays everyday, she said no. I asked her if she prays when I’m not around, she said not often. All I’m asking for is ways to gently encourage her to pray. I never once said in my post that she had to pray like I did. I got frustrated because many of you assume that’s what I said or meant. My wife is closed off about bringing up her faith on her own. Yes, I am concerned about her prayer life and I’m sorry that some of you think it’s so outrageous for me to be concerned about her relationship with God that if we were married you would lash out with profanity? Is it ridiculous to ask her how she is feeling or is this “poking and prodding?” I suppose I could be like many husbands and not give a darn about my wife at all! Hey the game’s on, right? Also I have noticed that my wife is stressed, but hey encouraging her to turn to prayer is just so tabboo apparently. In fact forbyour information I offer suggestions like, this worked for me, but find what works for you. I haven’t done half the things you guys accused me of. Why the heck are you even Catholic if you shouldn’t bear witness to the truth of the Gospel to your own families?
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Are you familiar with the quote, “Preach the gospel always. Use words when necessary”?

A spouse’s biggest witness is usually their life, not their words. If the words are good but aren’t backed up by a lot of substance, it can look like hypocrisy to the people that live with you and know you backwards and forwards.

That observation may have nothing to do with you (and if so, please disregard) but I have to mention that particular issue, as that can be a major issue in relationships where one spouse is more “spiritual”.
 
So never say anything then? Just be silent about everything ? Why do you identify as Catholic then?
 
aquinasmind said:
Here’s the deal pickle, how this all came about on the first place is I asked my wife how her prayer/relationship with God was going. I asked her if she prays everyday, she said no. I asked her if she prays when I’m not around, she said not often. All I’m asking for is ways to gently encourage her to pray. I never once said in my post that she had to pray like I did. I got frustrated because many of you assume that’s what I said or meant. My wife is closed off about bringing up her faith on her own. Yes, I am concerned about her prayer life and I’m sorry that some of you think it’s so outrageous for me to be concerned about her relationship with God that if we were married you would lash out with profanity? Is it ridiculous to ask her how she is feeling or is this “poking and prodding?” I suppose I could be like many husbands and not give a darn about my wife at all! Hey the game’s on, right? Also I have noticed that my wife is stressed, but hey encouraging her to turn to prayer is just so tabboo apparently. In fact forbyour information I offer suggestions like, this worked for me, but find what works for you. I haven’t done half the things you guys accused me of. Why the heck are you even Catholic if you shouldn’t bear witness to the truth of the Gospel to your own families?
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What prompted you to ask your wife about her prayer life? My dh never asked me such a question–I’d never ask him, either. Really, that’s up to her, isn’t it? By asking her you put her on the spot and made her feel like she isn’t up to your ideal. This is about how she feels not about what you want to do “for her.” 🙂

The best way to encourage her is be a good example not expect her to do anything. No one can have her relationship with God except her. I know how much we want to help our loved ones “get on” in their spiritual lives, but really, it has to be a hands-off approach with a spouse or you will only deepen her feeling that she isn’t good enough. I know that’s not your intention, but that’s what’s happening.

Lead, as I wrote before. Don’t prod–not even “gently.” Give her space to be her own person in this and other matters. You cannot live her life for her, so don’t try. It doesn’t work. Just love her and be there when she wants you, and pray. God will do the rest.
 
I can’t encourage my wife to turn to God in her time of need apparently, because… Saint Francis. Often times people will take this out of context in an attempt to shut people up they disagree with! Same with people who scream, “judge not!” Both you and I know that’s really people saying, “how dare you not approve of my sin!” I do agree there is a time to speak and a time to listen, but it also says "preach the Truth, in season and out of season. I’m signing off now, God Bless.
 
When my prayer life goes a bit stale, I find that listening to podcasts of homilies helps me get back on the right track. I don’t know if your wife would be interested, but for me, they provide a very relaxing, low-pressure form of meditation that I think is an alternative type of prayer. And some days when my brain is scattered and I don’t feel I can concentrate on prayer, I play a few while I’m working or in the car. As a very private and introverted cradle-Catholic who is married to a very extroverted recent convert, I’m way more inhibited than my husband is when it comes to praying out loud together or in a group. I get tongue tied and I’m not at all eloquent and become bashful. If your wife is interested in increasing her prayer life without the pressure of having to lead or vocalize, maybe you could find some podcasts (free on iTunes) that she might like. And if she doesn’t show any interest, you could play them when you’re together in the car - that’s how my husband got me interested in them. Anyway, it’s just a thought…
 
aquinasmind said:
Thank you Regina. Wow how unkind and uncharitable many of my fellow Catholics are. The person identifying as atheist was more Christlike than many of you. I never said I was superior to my wife. I said that I wanted to find ways to gently encourage my wife to deepen her relationship with God. We are an equal partnership, I am simply called by God to be the spiritual head of my family. It is my Job to be concerned about her and the future kid’s spiritual welfare as its her’s to be concerned about mine. I want to Love my wife as Christ loves the Church. I am not seeking superiority, an ego trip, or a condescending tone. I am seeking ways to be more loving and or service to my wife. I acknowledged that my walk was not her walk and my way was not her way, but some of you, I guess missed that. It being Lent and all, I will not respond to snarky comments like “give up brow beating your wife,” or “if I were your wife…” I love my wife more than gold or precious silver, I want her good above my own, and wish to serve her as I serve Christ.

To those who are encouraging bless you, to those filled with negativity, let’s just move on

-AM
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However you meant to sound, it did not come out in a very good way. I can’t imagine my husband or anyone “trying” to encourage me to a deeper relationship with God. My time with God is between God and me. It is personal. The old Protestant hymn, “In the Garden” describes to me my joy of being with God. “I come to the garden alone.” I am alone with God.

My husband and I share many wonderful hours in Church and in worship but neither he nor I would presume to be each other’s spiritual directors. We share much of our faith but the private working of our souls belongs to God alone. You mean well, I understand that, but just as you can never enter into the confession box with your wife, you cannot step into the holy sacred ground that belongs to your wife and to Christ.
 
OP you said it all right here: I can do that I know is pray and try to let go of my need for control and insistence that she experience God on the same way I do. Any advice or encouragement would help.

You also said: I asked her if she prays everyday, she said no. I asked her if she prays when I’m not around, she said not often.

If my husband asked me this I would feel like he is policing my faith life not loving me like Christ loves the Church. It feels condescending to me not encouraging.

I’ve been guilty of judging my husband and expecting him to express and live out his prayer life like I do. Which you said you struggle with as well. I’ve realized the best I can do to encourage my husband is live out his faith is be faithful to my own prayer life. Mine is deep and long with daily mass thrown in there.

When God has really lifted the veil off my eyes I’ve seen how faithful and loving my husband is. He is very committed to his faith and prays daily. But he does not pray like I pray. I’ve come to realize I need more time in prayer because I have more need of God’s intervention at this point in my life!!

I would specifically pray in quiet and ask the Holy Spirit how you can best encourage your wife. I find when I really take the time to listen it makes me more aware of my own faults and gives me more insight into what is really going to be helpful. It will also help you to see more clearly how God is present and working in your wife’s life and heart.

I hope that advice helps. Know it is written with good and peaceful intentions.
 
I’m not trying to be rude, but can you folks even read? Im not trying to be her spiritual director, think I am better, blah blah, blah. I was just inquiring as to her spiritual life, this will be my last post on this, but why are you even here if it’s “keep it to yourself?” I never once said or told her what to do, just trying to help my wife along the path as she does me. I would say if you are uncomfortable with exhortation then don’t post here and certainly never ever admit you are Catholic. Pax
 
I got it, consensus is "shut up or its controlling! Why doesn’t this apply to you guys when expressing your views?
 
aquinasmind said:
I’m not trying to be rude, but can you folks even read? Im not trying to be her spiritual director, think I am better, blah blah, blah. I was just inquiring as to her spiritual life, this will be my last post on this, but why are you even here if it’s “keep it to yourself?” I never once said or told her what to do, just trying to help my wife along the path as she does me. I would say if you are uncomfortable with exhortation then don’t post here and certainly never ever admit you are Catholic. Pax
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How did she respond? I am reacting to this as if my husband asked that question. Did your wife appreciate your asking? Did it bother her? If it did, did you apologize.
 
aquinasmind said:
I got it, consensus is "shut up or its controlling! Why doesn’t this apply to you guys when expressing your views?
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Because the people posting are not hysterical maybe?

It’s a forum. You really came here thinking that everyone would agree with you?
You really thought that saying your wife needs help ( in a really negative way) wouldn’t engender more cautionary responses?

Really?

Nobody told you to shut up. You’re just going from zero to 60 now. Most people are saying that perhaps you can’t control your wife’s spiritual life, and it’s kind of inviting trouble if you try to.
Live the Gospel and let the Holy Spirit take care of her. Everyone prays for their spouse, everyone takes their faith seriously to the point where they want their spouse to be “right with God” closer to God, and in love with God.
But not everyone comes across as so “I know so much more than she does”. Which is how it sounded. Really. Honest. It’s not just me. You sound like you believe she needs “fixing” and you want to know how to do it.

We don’t’ know her. Or you, Your first impression wasn’t so gentle. There. I’ve expressed myself fairly clearly.

Maybe start over. 🤷

For example:

I really love my wife, and I wish she was in tune with her own spirituality and her relationship with God. She appears indifferent to me. Do people express their spirituality differently, or not at all at times? I worry about her. What should I do besides pray for her? What are some helpful books for me to read? Has anyone had a similar experience with a family member?

I’ll bet your response would have been much more supportive.
 
I’ve had to share two different spiritual approaches in my family for many years. My wife is Evangelical Anglican and I’m a Benedictine Catholic and more contemplative.

I’ve learned long ago to be grateful for what’s in common between us, and to pray about the differences rather than discuss them.
 
HelenRose said:
However you meant to sound, it did not come out in a very good way.
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I agree with this.

aquinasmind, it is of course admirable to want to encourage your wife in her spiritual development. And it is good to ask advice. But it seems, based on mere numbers, that many people have objected to a certain tone or approach that your post conveys. As HelenRose, said, it did not come out in a very good way. When many posters now have reacted in a similar way, I think you should take that on board rather than dismiss them as being uncharitable.

Anyway, as for advice - I believe the best encouragement you can give is through your own example. Show your wife how important to you prayer is, and especially how important mass is to you. Show her, through love and patience, how much energy you receive from mass each week. Make a particular focus on love and sacrifice towards her on Sundays, so she can see that you do really receive strength and grace from the mass. Make every Sunday a special day where your wife knows how much God loves her by the actions of you, her husband.
 
aquinasmind said:
I asked my wife how her prayer/relationship with God was going. I asked her if she prays everyday, she said no. I asked her if she prays when I’m not around, she said not often.
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It is not your business how, or if, or when, or for how long, or in what manner your wife prays. You think it is your business, but it’s not. It is hers.

If you wish to get her to heaven, pray for her. Be an example to her. Be there when she asks for help, but not until then. Lead her in prayer, because she is obviously not comfortable in that role. Perhaps your idea of deeper spirituality is not hers. You don’t get to decide what is deep enough for her, she does.

Lead your wife to heaven. Don’t push her there, or pull her there. Let her walk on her own and she can follow you until she is comfortable walking beside you.
 
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