end of marriage

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Pinkyyy

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hi, Please give me a few of your prayers. Today I am planning on leaving my husband. I have tried before but never really got the courage to leave. He is abusive and we are not married in the churches eyes anyway. I really want it to work but he is always mad and always putting me under constant stress - I just can’t think anymore. My mind is always cloudy and I am losing things left and right. I feel like I am slipping away and he doesn’t care - all he cares about is that things are done perfecly and his way. well, I can’t even think perfect let alone be perfect when I’m under constant stress. I am hoping today I will have the courage (and the smarts) to leave.
 
Dear Pinkyyy, your pain comes across so vividly in your words. Nobody deserves to be abused. Protect yourself.

I have offered prayers to Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior for him to guide you and your husband in this difficult time. Good luck.
 
Pinkyyy, when you say you’re not married in the eyes of the Church, I wonder if you are Catholic? If you are a Catholic married outside the Sacrament without the sanction of the Church, then no, you’re not validly married.

If you wanted to stay in the marriage, as a Catholic you’d want to go consult a priest about getting your marriage validated, but it you intend to leave, then I ask God to keep you safe. I hope that you have somewhere safe to go and a means of security for yourself

I wonder if you have thought of going to Confession if you leave him, so that you can begin again with a clear heart and a pure soul.

I’m sorry you’ve endured abusive and controling behaviour. If you leave this man, then I pray that you will know and understand the signs that prevent you from choosing someone else who acts like this man. Sometimes people choose the wrong kind of person to marry because they don’t understand themselves well enough, or they ignore little danger signs before they marry.

You are showing signs of stress and maybe even depression. These may be affecting your decision right now, but they may also be affecting your relationship. As there is much we don’t know about you or your husband there are things we can’t say for certain.

I hope and pray for a better life for you, in whatever you choose to do. I pray for God to guide you.
 
Trishie said:
Pinkyyy, when you say you’re not married in the eyes of the Church, I wonder if you are Catholic? If you are a Catholic married outside the Sacrament without the sanction of the Church, then no, you’re not validly married.

If you wanted to stay in the marriage, as a Catholic you’d want to go consult a priest about getting your marriage validated, but it you intend to leave, then I ask God to keep you safe. I hope that you have somewhere safe to go and a means of security for yourself

I wonder if you have thought of going to Confession if you leave him, so that you can begin again with a clear heart and a pure soul.

I’m sorry you’ve endured abusive and controling behaviour. If you leave this man, then I pray that you will know and understand the signs that prevent you from choosing someone else who acts like this man. Sometimes people choose the wrong kind of person to marry because they don’t understand themselves well enough, or they ignore little danger signs before they marry.

You are showing signs of stress and maybe even depression. These may be affecting your decision right now, but they may also be affecting your relationship. As there is much we don’t know about you or your husband there are things we can’t say for certain.

I hope and pray for a better life for you, in whatever you choose to do. I pray for God to guide you.
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Trishie, I am not catholic technically, but it’s complicated. We weren’t married in the church and I have done everything to become catholic, but he will not get the marriage blessed so there was nothing more I could do - I have been through RCIA and basically he was the only thing standing in my way. It’s almost like he liked having that power over it. He would even tell me he wanted to get married in the church and then yank it away from me later. He liked to do that with a lot of things actually. Having more children, being blessed in the church, working on our marriage. Always saying it will be this or that way and then crushing me by saying forget it a day or two later. I don’t know why I have had such a hard time leaving him. Even now it’s hard but I guess I have to force myself.
 
Don’t leave!! Think about the kids…is he abusive to them? So he doesn’t want more kids, be happy with the ones you have. Make him sit down and talk to you. Tell him you want to go to counseling. Give him an ultimatum about counseling, let him know that the marriage is supposed to be forever and that you love him and you want to work this out. Don’t break up your family because he’s being a jerk. You say he’s mad all the time. Mad about what? You’re having a hard time leaving because you know it’s not the right thing.
 
Pinky, I have followed your threads on this…and my prayers are with you. Not sure what God’s plan is for you, but stay close to Christ, and He will guide you. So sorry.
 
bekahlou said:
Don’t leave!! Think about the kids…is he abusive to them? So he doesn’t want more kids, be happy with the ones you have. Make him sit down and talk to you. Tell him you want to go to counseling. Give him an ultimatum about counseling, let him know that the marriage is supposed to be forever and that you love him and you want to work this out. Don’t break up your family because he’s being a jerk. You say he’s mad all the time. Mad about what? You’re having a hard time leaving because you know it’s not the right thing.
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He doesn’t want to talk. He doesn’t want counseling. He wants me to change to his way or he wants to smack me around then. He won’t give a hoot about any ultimatums. He’s been trying to push me out the door for years. He’s mad about everything. He is mad if the garbage is too full, if there’s a dish in the sink, if i didn’t exercise long enough or take a shower then HE wanted me to take it (morning vs evening). He’d mad if the car breaks down, if I get the mail at night instead of in the morning. you name it, he’d mad about it. I can’t live like this anymore and my kid is scared of him. In fact, just yesterday he told me that his father was “ruining his life”.
 
I disagree with that last post. There just isn’t enough information given for anyone to be able to tell you whether you should leave or stay.

Certainly you have an obligation to leave if your safety or your children is in danger.

With that consideration aside, I think that those in a civil marriage who do want to have their marriages blessed by the Church have a valid right to propose this to their mates and use it as a barometer for finding out how committed that person is to the relationship and the marriage and to fostering their spouse’s relationship with God.

My best advice would be to talk to a family member with good morals and standing in the Church, a priest, or a counselor, and take that advice under heavy consideration. Sometimes an outsider can see what direction to take more clearly, but you have to open up to them about all that is going on, and that isn’t necessarily something fit for a public forum.

best wishes,

Scott
 
scott1228 said:
I disagree with that last post. There just isn’t enough information given for anyone to be able to tell you whether you should leave or stay.

Certainly you have an obligation to leave if your safety or your children is in danger.

With that consideration aside, I think that those in a civil marriage who do want to have their marriages blessed by the Church have a valid right to propose this to their mates and use it as a barometer for finding out how committed that person is to the relationship and the marriage and to fostering their spouse’s relationship with God.

My best advice would be to talk to a family member with good morals and standing in the Church, a priest, or a counselor, and take that advice under heavy consideration. Sometimes an outsider can see what direction to take more clearly, but you have to open up to them about all that is going on, and that isn’t necessarily something fit for a public forum.

best wishes,

Scott
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thanks Scott, that is partly why I am ready now to leave - because I have had about four priests tell me to do so. They know everything. One told me to leave about three weeks ago and I didn’t listen. Father told me he will never change and he was right.
 
So sorry.:hug1:

Years ago I was in an emotionally abusive relationship…if it had continued it would have turned physical, how do I know? He told me the things that i should never do, or else I would get hit.:(:o

When it was finally over, I was out with a friend who commented that I finally looked normal, that the entire time I was with him I looked frightened.

You have my prayers.
 
***Oh my gosh, Mary…oh my gosh. How sad!! So glad you got out of there.

I too dated an abusive man many moons ago, and he started shoving etc…after a barage of verbal insults. In looking back, he had a TERRIBLE relationship with his mother. I mean, off the charts horrible. We would have dinner with her, and he’d throw food at her, drop his plate of food in the sink loudly…yell at her…I saw all that, and knew where his anger came from, and that he would continue directing it at every women until he got help, which he felt he didn’t need.

My husband? Polar opposite…calls his mom every week, tells her he loves her…when we lived near her for a while, he visited her frequently…always asked her if she needed help with anything…and thus, he is like this to me, as my husband. :o

((((pinky)))) praying for you, girl. Take each day, one step at a time…don’t overthink things…just get through each day, praying for God’s awesome love and mercy to be upon you, and ask Him where to lead you. ***
 
whatevergirl said:
***Oh my gosh, Mary…oh my gosh. How sad!! So glad you got out of there.

. ***
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Thank you, WG. Me too, me too. I was very young and stupid and very low self esteem…the catalyst for me ending it was that he was rude to my father. My father was always kind and generous towards him, but he developed an attitude towards my Dad. In retrospect, I think he wanted me away from my family, so he could control me. I adored my father, that must have bothered him a lot.

My DH and my dad got along so well…sometimes I would wonder if DH was coming over to see me or my Dad. 😃 Unfortunately my Dad died shortly after I was married.😦

Sorry for being off topic.

Pinkyy you have my prayers for this difficult time,
 
bekahlou said:
Don’t leave!! Think about the kids…is he abusive to them? So he doesn’t want more kids, be happy with the ones you have. Make him sit down and talk to you. Tell him you want to go to counseling. Give him an ultimatum about counseling, let him know that the marriage is supposed to be forever and that you love him and you want to work this out. Don’t break up your family because he’s being a jerk. You say he’s mad all the time. Mad about what? You’re having a hard time leaving because you know it’s not the right thing.
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This is really bad advice. Read her other posts.

If she were to go to see a priest and tell him the things she has posted on here, he would advise her to leave. Mine not only advised me to leave, he gave me a deadline.

Staying in a marriage like this is HARMFUL to the children. Divorce is terribly painful, but this marriage is much more damaging.
 
Pinkyyy, Have you talked to a lawyer or a domestic violence center? There is a certain way to handle this that will work out better for your safety. How are you planning on going about this?
 
My dear, you need to run not walk away from the abuse…it is true that God Hates divorce, but he hates the abuse of His children even more and that includes you too. no one has the obligation to live with someone who is not gentle and loving. Abuse is abuse, even if he has not touched you, emotional and verbal abuse is painful and God hates it.
My priest also told me to run not walk away. We are lifting you up in prayer and right now the most important thing you need is prayer support. NOTHING else matters. You need prayer and you have ours.

Truely it is the emotional abuse that leaves the deepest scars, protect yourself and your children. Get some counseling from your local abuse hotline, or your priest if he can. You will all need help seeing yor worth in the eyes of God again.
 
You must leave immeditely! If you have sons, they will grow up thinking that it is normal and acceptable to treat women this way, and if you have daughters, they will grow up thinking that it is normal and acceptable to be abused by men. Take all necessary steps to ensure your legal rights and pysical safety. Good Luck! Your Guardian Angel will protect you, and we will pray for you.
 
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