Ending a Relationship

[abb]

Hi all. I’m currently a little worried about what I can say to my Ex-girlfriend to give her some words of encouragement. I recently broke up with her due to her inability and “I don’t care” attitude towards learning English, since we don’t speak the same language. I’m at a point I cannot learn any more Spanish without spending time in a Spanish speaking country. I waited about one and a half to two years for her to learn some English, where as she hasn’t shown any improvement. I know in my heart that this relationship wouldn’t work out as a successful marriage and I believed it was best to end it. I would still like to be her friend and help her learn English or anything else about America as she comes across it, but it’s as though she doesn’t want to talk to me or have any connection whatsoever with me. I was hoping you all could find some words or suggestions that I might be able to stabilize the relationship, thanks in advance. Andrew.

 

[DailyBread]

To be honest some people just want to move on and feel that any relationship past this point would be hurtful… I say give her space and maybe send a friendly note a month or two from now and see if you guys could be “just” friends… if she still says no, you best move on… do not take it personally… it may just be what they need.

 

[ack]

it’s as though she doesn’t want to talk to me or have any connection whatsoever with me. I was hoping you all could find some words or suggestions that I might be able to stabilize the relationship, thanks in advance. Andrew.

Well, of course she doesn’t want to have any contact with you…the relationship is over. It’s not like she can instantly forget about the relationship and the way that everything used to be.

I would leave her alone and let her move on with her life. If she wants to be your friend, she’ll contact you. But you shouldn’t contact her. Trying to stay in touch with her would only confuse her.

 

[1ke]

I would still like to be her friend

You cannot be her friend.

and help her learn English or anything else about America as she comes across it, but it’s as though she doesn’t want to talk to me or have any connection whatsoever with me.

That is what one does when one is trying to move on and get over someone who has broken up with them. Leave her alone and let her have her space.

I was hoping you all could find some words or suggestions that I might be able to stabilize the relationship, thanks in advance. Andrew.

You don’t have a relationship, you have an ex-girlfriend. Move on.

 

[Scottgun]

Another vote for move on. This let’s-be-friends stuff is for the birds. If one is not going to contemplate marriage with someone, get clear so someone else can.

 

[Hugo_Abreu]

Another vote for move on. This let’s-be-friends stuff is for the birds. If one is not going to contemplate marriage with someone, get clear so someone else can.

Indeed, it never works.

 

[kedera]

Coming from a single, 20 something, female POV, with RECENT experiance in trying to “move on”. Just let her be. If she ever does contact you again, be prepared, she STILL might not be over it, and may unload one last time. I have never been able to be “friends” with a guys after a more-than-friends relationship, you just can’t forget what it was like… . I have to face my ex every day…

 

[jrabs]

Another vote for move on. This let’s-be-friends stuff is for the birds. If one is not going to contemplate marriage with someone, get clear so someone else can.

A third vote for this as well. Leave her be.

Ex- romantic relationships will never ever be “just friends” nor should they. Let her be free to find a husband without you poking a email here or a phone call there as you want.

What people have to understand in ending a relationship is that they also must end the right to any future contact. That is also for sake of anyone you may date in the future too.

 

[Nepenthe]

Tch. Sometimes I wonder what kind of relationships people around here have had. I am still very close friends with three of my exes, and two of them are close to my about-to-be spouse as well. We weren’t close for any other reason that we like and love each other, and we still do, though platonically. We were friends first, and we’ll be friends to the last, never mind that the romance is done.

Though to the OP, I’ll say that if this person was not worth learning another language for, well no, good thing you broke up, and good for her to leave you alone. If you were serious, that would be a relatively small price to pay, and seems to me her judgment is sound. She doesn’t want contact, perhaps, because she thought she meant more to you.

Just your little ‘she hasn’t shown any improvement’ regarding English speaking (and oh, how much you’d still like to befriend and help her) speaks volumes about your expectations and feelings of entitlement in a relationship. Too bad for you, and maybe now you can let go of the joys of patronization.

Move on. She has.

 

[Scottgun]

People here have had typical relationships…you have had relationships that are the exception…I am happy for you but please be understanding of those of us that were unable to maintain a friendship. You have been given a special grace from God to maintain these relationships, most of us have not.

What she said and I’ll point out that I never suggested it was impossible. But the op is asking about how to keep up a friendship when there is no obligation to do so and basically it comes down to if you have to ask how to build and maintain a ex-girlfriend friendnship, then you can’t.

 

[jrabs]

But the op is asking about how to keep up a friendship when there is no obligation to do so and basically it comes down to if you have to ask how to build and maintain a ex-girlfriend friendnship, then you can’t.

Ohhh I like that. Can I use that in the future with some of my friends when they need advice?

 

[Nepenthe]

Yes, Monicad, you and Scottgun are quite right. I have been most fortunate! And if you have to ask the internet how to be a good friend, well…yeah.

Pardon me. I really did find the OP’s tone a little insensitive though, and that there may well be more questions he should be asking about himself specifically than the ones he is asking here.

 

[chevalier]

Ex- romantic relationships will never ever be “just friends” nor should they.

Does that mean they shouldn’t be, or that they don’t have to be? Just curious since I’ve never really heard an opinion to the effect of the former.

 

[Scottgun]

Ohhh I like that. Can I use that in the future with some of my friends when they need advice?

Sure! It may seem to come off a little jerky, but any woman whose ever had the boyfriend dragging his feet or left in ambiguity about where the relationship is will back me up I think. Break-ups carry alot of baggage–guilt about whether one had good cause, hurt feelings etc. and most of the time (not always) the whole let’s-be-friends thing has little to do with actual friendship and more with handling the baggage. So instead of making a clean break, we make a cut, but leave the relationship hanging by a thin tendon. Well who needs that? It doesn’t do either party any favors.

 

[jrabs]

Does that mean they shouldn’t be, or that they don’t have to be? Just curious since I’ve never really heard an opinion to the effect of the former.

Well, for the most part - ex’s do not make good friends. Friends call each other, email, go to lunch, dinner or for coffee. Take a walk together and discus current goings-on in their lives…like new romantic interests. Let’s say you meet another wonderful woman. Are you going to include your old friend in this new relationship?

You gonna excitedly call your old friend up and say, " Oh my golly goodness, I just met the most amazing woman!". Well, that is what friends do. Do you want her call you some day and inviting you to her wedding that she is ever so excited about?

Naw - I’m betting for the most part, you would not invite her to join you and a new girlfriend to lunch.

When you hang on to old ex’s, they tend to distress the new relationship. Cut yourself some slack. I know it must hurt because you cannot just talk to her and do things with her - but it does sound like she just wants to move on in peace for now.

 

[abb]

Pardon me. I really did find the OP’s tone a little insensitive though, and that there may well be more questions he should be asking about himself specifically than the ones he is asking here.

“There may well be?” or… “There are” more questions that I need to be asking myself? I’d rather you spell out what you want to say instead of leaving it up in the air, if there are specific questions I need to ask myself, please let me know which.

I suppose that I want to hang on to this girl because of my first girlfriend. I still talk to her very often and we have a great friendship. Due to the many replies here, I now see that it’s not so common to have that same relationship I have with my first Ex. Thanks for the replies all, and jrabs: your closing paragraph was great.

 

[chevalier]

Jrabs, thank you. Well, I didn’t know if it was about moral or practical problems… Practical ones, see them too. I’ve been there and while I’m on good terms with some could-have-beens, I can’t name a former girlfriend I’d be in any stable form of contact with, for the reasons as above, or maybe emotional ones. For me, it’s more like something burns out and there’s not really that much need for a daily to weekly conversation like with a typical friend. I remember once coming across a Protestant site that had some idea it was morally wrong to meet up with previous dates, but stuff was messed up - the character of the meetings wasn’t explained.

And now to the Original Poster: Well, I suppose people got the vibe that you expected your girlfriend to learn English for you but you wouldn’t have learnt Spanish for her. It might have come across as patronising or otherwise unequal. After all, man and woman and different cultures, languages etc are strictly equal.

Don’t promise yourself much, I guess. Especially if it was you who broke up with her, she may still have feelings for you and it wouldn’t be very nice to require her to adapt and spent time with you on such a basis that hurts her, requiring constant restraint from her. If you decided to end the relationship sort of abruptly, well, it’s not unfair that she in turn decides to limit contact to deal with the loss.

 

[abb]

And now to the Original Poster: Well, I suppose people got the vibe that you expected your girlfriend to learn English for you but you wouldn’t have learnt Spanish for her. It might have come across as patronising or otherwise unequal. After all, man and woman and different cultures, languages etc are strictly equal.

Don’t promise yourself much, I guess. Especially if it was you who broke up with her, she may still have feelings for you and it wouldn’t be very nice to require her to adapt and spent time with you on such a basis that hurts her, requiring constant restraint from her. If you decided to end the relationship sort of abruptly, well, it’s not unfair that she in turn decides to limit contact to deal with the loss.

I learned Spanish pretty well. I can talk to anyone in Spanish and hold my own. I meant that I would have to travel and live in a Spanish speaking country to continue my education with it, by learning it fluently. And your last paragraph was understandable, thanks.