Ending an a friendship

[ronin159]

I have made a few friends who have turned out to not be great people. I would like to end my friendship not in a bad way but just do it amicably. Is this a catholic thing to do?

 

[thequeen]

May I ask why you want to end these friendships because not everyone can be a great person…

 

[LongingSoul]

I have made a few friends who have turned out to not be great people. I would like to end my friendship not in a bad way but just do it amicably. Is this a catholic thing to do?

You could just try to put a bit of distance between yourself and them to begin with. Some people are ok as occasional friends even though having them too close can be toxic to you.

 

[JamalChristophr]

It is true that we have the right and responsibility to choose our friends carefully. We are not obliged to be friends with a person.

However, Jesus said, treat others as you would wish to be treated.

I have been hurt the most by people, for example, who just walked away and never said one word. I pray they didn’t really know what they were doing.

Anyways, perhaps you could gently and gradually show them that you are no longer interested in doing things with them or talking to them at length.

I would say, be kind to everyone, though. Are you a great person? I’m not too sure I am. What is a great person? But you are correct, one should choose their friends carefully.

God Bless You! Pray about it, too. To be a friend to someone we may not like much can also be a great act of mercy, I think, perhaps.

Just some thoughts. God Bless!

 

[robwar]

I have made a few friends who have turned out to not be great people. I would like to end my friendship not in a bad way but just do it amicably. Is this a catholic thing to do?

I would just stop doing things with them, calling them, going out etc. The less time you spend doing or communicating with others, you will eventually drift apart. I wouldn’t tell them, we are no longer friends or that you don’t want to be a friend with them that might cause some hurt or misunderstood feelings. This is probably the most amicably way of backing out of friendships that are no longer the best.

 

[ronin159]

One of my friends was great at first but when I got to know him I found he drank a lot, dated mutltiple women at once and was just generally unreliable. Another friend constantly made promises which he never followed through on.

 

[thequeen]

One of my friends was great at first but when I got to know him I found he drank a lot, dated mutltiple women at once and was just generally unreliable. Another friend constantly made promises which he never followed through on.

Oh okay now I understand what you mean.

 

[JamalChristophr]

I would just stop doing things with them, calling them, going out etc. The less time you spend doing or communicating with others, you will eventually drift apart. I wouldn’t tell them, we are no longer friends or that you don’t want to be a friend with them that might cause some hurt or misunderstood feelings. This is probably the most amicably way of backing out of friendships that are no longer the best.

I have to say I whole-heartedly but respectfully disagree. I think that kind of behavior is very egocentric. It serves the interests of one person, but it is not the person who is being abandoned as a friend. I think it is one of the most hurtful things a person can do.

 

[Emily2014]

It is true that we have the right and responsibility to choose our friends carefully. We are not obliged to be friends with a person.

However, Jesus said, treat others as you would wish to be treated.

I have been hurt the most by people, for example, who just walked away and never said one word. I pray they didn’t really know what they were doing.

Anyways, perhaps you could gently and gradually show them that you are no longer interested in doing things with them or talking to them at length.

I would say, be kind to everyone, though. Are you a great person? I’m not too sure I am. What is a great person? But you are correct, one should choose their friends carefully.

God Bless You! Pray about it, too. To be a friend to someone we may not like much can also be a great act of mercy, I think, perhaps.

Just some thoughts. God Bless!

What a beautiful response. I applaud you :heaven:

 

[robwar]

I have to say I whole-heartedly but respectfully disagree. I think that kind of behavior is very egocentric. It serves the interests of one person, but it is not the person who is being abandoned as a friend. I think it is one of the most hurtful things a person can do.

The Bible says that “bad company corrupts good morals”. I think Op indicated that the so called “friends” are not living moral lives. One can’t have a real friendship with someone when there are opposite desires and ideas and morals. I think the best thing in responding to Op’s question is to slowly back out and down and stop doing things and move on. There is nothing wrong with this at all. You can’t have a friendship is one person is going out drinking, doing drugs and having sex and the other want to follow God. Backing out and stop doing things with people that don’t desire to live moral upright lives is the healthy choice here. Sorry but I’ve been around the block 50+ years and have seen alot and the basic simple fact is that true friendship is based on commonality of morals and faith and if the other person doesn’t share that or want that, then move on.

 

[Xantippe]

I would just stop doing things with them, calling them, going out etc. The less time you spend doing or communicating with others, you will eventually drift apart. I wouldn’t tell them, we are no longer friends or that you don’t want to be a friend with them that might cause some hurt or misunderstood feelings. This is probably the most amicably way of backing out of friendships that are no longer the best.

Yep.

Stop initiating interactions and start delaying your responses to messages. Space out interactions until they reach a level that you are comfortable with.

 

[Xantippe]

I have to say I whole-heartedly but respectfully disagree. I think that kind of behavior is very egocentric. It serves the interests of one person, but it is not the person who is being abandoned as a friend. I think it is one of the most hurtful things a person can do.

So, how do you go about ending a friendship that has reached its expiration date and that is spiritually problematic?

There is so little time available to spend with friends that I can’t recommend filling one of the limited “slots” with somebody you can’t stand.

 

[Xantippe]

I would recommend reading the friendship chapter in C.S. Lewis’s “The Four Loves” when trying to find new friends.

It’s a lovely piece of literature.

 

[robwar]

So, how do you go about ending a friendship that has reached its expiration date and that is spiritually problematic?

There is so little time available to spend with friends that I can’t recommend filling one of the limited “slots” with somebody you can’t stand.

thank-you. Too many people are under misguided ideas about friendship and just too afraid to admit that sometimes some friendships are not worth continuing and everyone needs to move on. Real friendship is based on commonality and if that isn’t there where one person wants to follow God and the other drinks etc. there isn’t a real friendship there because the common basis isn’t there. Having cordial relationship with others isn’t friendship.

 

[JamalChristophr]

So, how do you go about ending a friendship that has reached its expiration date and that is spiritually problematic?

There is so little time available to spend with friends that I can’t recommend filling one of the limited “slots” with somebody you can’t stand.

I think we all have different temperaments, so this is a tricky question really. I have to admit there have been times where i just stopped communicating with people, but it was because I was at a bad place in my life personally with issues I needed to try to resolve. I don’t feel good about doing it, though. I would say what I did was wrong in those situations.

Sometimes, I think we really should bite the bullet a little bit and be more honest with people. It’s rare for me to make a friend, and later to decide I don’t like them, so I don’t have this trouble often. I just don’t think an answer is very clear-cut.

I do believe that people you can’t stand and don’t want to be around should still be treated with kindness and the love of Christ, so we should be careful how we behave towards those we no longer consider our friends

**“As you did it to one of the least of these, my brethren, you did it to me.”
**

 

[the_phoenix]

The Bible says that “bad company corrupts good morals”. I think Op indicated that the so called “friends” are not living moral lives. One can’t have a real friendship with someone when there are opposite desires and ideas and morals. I think the best thing in responding to Op’s question is to slowly back out and down and stop doing things and move on. There is nothing wrong with this at all. You can’t have a friendship is one person is going out drinking, doing drugs and having sex and the other want to follow God. Backing out and stop doing things with people that don’t desire to live moral upright lives is the healthy choice here. Sorry but I’ve been around the block 50+ years and have seen alot and the basic simple fact is that true friendship is based on commonality of morals and faith and if the other person doesn’t share that or want that, then move on.

Thank you. I just unfriended someone like this on Facebook whom I had recently met online. Claimed to be Christian in their profile. Ended up by apparently wanting to goad me into a public fight on their Facebook page. I don’t believe in feeding the trolls, so I peacefully and quietly left the situation.

 

[JamalChristophr]

I don’t deny that he has the moral option to discontinue his friendship with a person, but I maintain that our love for God is measured by how much we love the person we like the least. (something like that, anyways)

Sometimes, I think, many friendships are little more than mutual egosim.

I concede that I might be mistaken on this whole idea, and I will have to think about it at greater length. I can say that I agree with what the opposing viewpoint holds out on a certain level, but I question their methods, I suppose.

Time to go to mas…

God Bless.

 

[the_phoenix]

I don’t deny that he has the moral option to discontinue his friendship with a person, but I maintain that our love for God is measured by how much we love the person we like the least. (something like that, anyways)

Sometimes, I think, many friendships are little more than mutual egosim.

I concede that I might be mistaken on this whole idea, and I will have to think about it at greater length. I can say that I agree with what the opposing viewpoint holds out on a certain level, but I question their methods, I suppose.

Time to go to mas…

God Bless.

In my case, the person on Facebook had every opportunity to contact me privately in chat if that person felt there was a problem, and I would have been happy to talk things out patiently and thoughtfully … and perhaps I would not have unfriended the person, or at least not so abruptly. But when someone instead chooses to go on the attack in public … I felt it best to choose not to engage, but simply walk away. I can always pray for the person, and if they feel slighted, they can always send me a civil private message and I will in fact have the decency to respond … in private.

Otherwise, there’s the near occasion of sin when it comes to fighting … not good for either myself or the other person.

…

 

[Xantippe]

I don’t deny that he has the moral option to discontinue his friendship with a person, but I still maintain that we essentially our Love for God is determined in so far as how we treat the person we like the least.

Sometimes, I think, many friendships are little more than mutual egosim.

I concede that I might be mistaken on this whole idea, and I will have to think about it at greater length. I can say that I agree with what the opposing viewpoint holds out on a certain level, but I question their methods, I suppose.

Time to go to mas…

God Bless.

So, how do we go about politely disentangling a person who is a bad influence on us?

We can either 1) fade out without explanation (the option other people have mentioned that you don’t like) or 2) explain to them why we think they’re a terrible person, a bad influence on us, and not a good use of our time. Is #1 really the harsher option?

If the person was our fellow believer, maybe we would have an obligation to do fraternal correction, but not necessarily. See here:

newadvent.org/cathen/04394a.htm

How would you do it?

 

[SecretCatholic]

I opt for honesty. It’s what I would like and its what I think is best for most people. That doesn’t necessitate being mean-spirited or nasty. Just being honest in a friendly, tactful way. I think that not being honest is frankly a little cowardly in normal circumstances.

A lot of times we don’t tell our friends that they are hunched over or have a funny piece of bean on their teeth because we’re afraid of embarrassing the person or what the response may be. But I hope that someone who calls himself my friend would tell me if I have something on my teeth! And I wish someone would ask me if I was okay cause I was hunched over, instead of just thinking it to himself. The problem is that most of us are so darned insecure that we can’t bear it.

That said, there are special cases- people who just absolutely can’t stand to be told this or that- and we should be careful for the other person, and of course, of ourselves, if said person is a little cooky. As always, we should use prudence.

Sure, most people don’t take negative feedback well, even when its constructive (myself included), but it may not be you telling someone this, but you and someone else down the road- a girlfriend/boyfriend/family member/another friend, etc… that will finally help this person see reality and deal with it if he/she wants to.

We have a lot of trouble owning up to our own behaviors. Sometimes its necessary to hear it from others that are not mom and dad to finally come to an understanding and a change of plan. Honesty. Honesty with prudence.