Ending an unhappy relationship

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roses82

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I am “engaged” to a man who I need to leave but I can’t seem to do it. I put engaged in quotes because he has never actually proposed to me and merely agreed to marry me if that is what I really want. I should say that I am not yet Catholic. I began my conversion from atheism bout three years ago but shortly after my younger sister died which turned my life upside down and caused me to fall to pieces. I have tried every year to enter the Church, but have not been able to follow through.
My fiancee is not a bad guy. He’s nice to me, he is generous and humble and forgiving. It seems wrong to make a list of bad qualities, we just see the world differently and we argue a lot. He believes in God but has no interest in the Church. He believes in monogamy and commitment but has no interest in institutional marriage. He will come to Mass with me but he without any enthusiasm. He will show up at the wedding but he’s not going to do anything else to make it happen. I have no family support for my faith and I don’t know if it is strong enough on it’s own even for me let alone to guide a whole family.
I know how all this sounds. I sound weak, and the truth is when it comes to this I am. There are lot’s of pain in my past that makes it hard for me to still believe I could be happy and I am thirty now and I’m afraid this might be my last chance to have children. I know I need to put this in God’s hands and trust that if I don’t let myself be led away He will guide me to where I need to be, but it is so hard. I ask for your prayers and also for your encouragement.
 
Welcome to CAF.

Relationships can be tough. It sounds like you already recognize the problem and you already recognize what you need to do. You just need the strength to do it. Pray for strength. God is with you. He will give you the strength to do things you previously thought yourself incapable of doing.

Remain firm in your resolve. Don’t settle for a broken relationship simply because you think it may be your last chance at children. 30 is still young! You still have time. And the sooner you break it off, the more time you’ll have.

I will pray for you. You can do this.
 
God be with you. My heart bleeds for you and your situation. May the mercy and compassion of Jesus hold you through whatever happens.
 
roses82 said:
I am “engaged” to a man who I need to leave but I can’t seem to do it. I put engaged in quotes because he has never actually proposed to me and merely agreed to marry me if that is what I really want. I should say that I am not yet Catholic. I began my conversion from atheism bout three years ago but shortly after my younger sister died which turned my life upside down and caused me to fall to pieces. I have tried every year to enter the Church, but have not been able to follow through.
My fiancee is not a bad guy. He’s nice to me, he is generous and humble and forgiving. It seems wrong to make a list of bad qualities, we just see the world differently and we argue a lot. He believes in God but has no interest in the Church. He believes in monogamy and commitment but has no interest in institutional marriage. He will come to Mass with me but he without any enthusiasm. He will show up at the wedding but he’s not going to do anything else to make it happen. I have no family support for my faith and I don’t know if it is strong enough on it’s own even for me let alone to guide a whole family.
I know how all this sounds. I sound weak, and the truth is when it comes to this I am. There are lot’s of pain in my past that makes it hard for me to still believe I could be happy and I am thirty now and I’m afraid this might be my last chance to have children. I know I need to put this in God’s hands and trust that if I don’t let myself be led away He will guide me to where I need to be, but it is so hard. I ask for your prayers and also for your encouragement.
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Please don’t continue to call this man your fiance’. As you say, he has not actually asked you to marry him. He is lackadaisical about marriage, about the Church, about other things?

You already argue a lot. This is no way to start a marriage.

And you need to get some counseling to deal with your past - so you can move on and join the Church. Do not marry someone because you think it is your last chance to have children. What if you can’t have children or your boyfriend decides he doesn’t want children at all?

Welcome to CAF. We’ll stand in for your family support. Go to the nearest parish and enroll in RCIA. 🙂
 
I thought my ‘almost’ finacee was a good guy. Turns out he wasn’t proposing because he was married.

Dump him.
 
Welcome to CAF!! May God bless your journey home.

The one thing that jumped out at me is that you didn’t say anything about love. You didn’t say you love him or that he loves you. That spoke volumes to me.

Please don’t look at him as being your last chance. Right now your spiritual journey is more important. When the time is right, and if it’s God’s will, He will send someone to you.

God Bless!
 
I don’t think you really want to be married to someone who only agreed to it because you wanted him to. You want to walk down the aisle toward someone who is as excited as you are to be married.

I understand the fear of not having children, but it isn’t fair to any future kids if you marry their dad just to have them. Since you started out your post with “I need to leave”, I’m sure you know this. I pray that you find the courage to end things, and that you’re able to fill your time with other things (like RCIA ;)). And maybe you’ll free yourself up to find someone who is enthusiastic about marrying you- the way it should be!
 
roses82 said:
I am “engaged” to a man who I need to leave but I can’t seem to do it. I put engaged in quotes because he has never actually proposed to me and merely agreed to marry me if that is what I really want. I should say that I am not yet Catholic. I began my conversion from atheism bout three years ago but shortly after my younger sister died which turned my life upside down and caused me to fall to pieces. I have tried every year to enter the Church, but have not been able to follow through.
My fiancee is not a bad guy. He’s nice to me, he is generous and humble and forgiving. It seems wrong to make a list of bad qualities, we just see the world differently and we argue a lot. He believes in God but has no interest in the Church. He believes in monogamy and commitment but has no interest in institutional marriage. He will come to Mass with me but he without any enthusiasm. He will show up at the wedding but he’s not going to do anything else to make it happen. I have no family support for my faith and I don’t know if it is strong enough on it’s own even for me let alone to guide a whole family.
I know how all this sounds. I sound weak, and the truth is when it comes to this I am. There are lot’s of pain in my past that makes it hard for me to still believe I could be happy and I am thirty now and I’m afraid this might be my last chance to have children. I know I need to put this in God’s hands and trust that if I don’t let myself be led away He will guide me to where I need to be, but it is so hard. I ask for your prayers and also for your encouragement.
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You may not feel strong but your are stronger than you think. It is hard to leave someone when maybe that has been the only secure relationship you have had. but the fact the right now you are considering this is a step in the right direction. Don’t focus on the fact that you are 30 and want children because many people do have children in their thirties and even now forties. You really are not going to want to have babies with the wrong guy that is ambivalent. I am wondering if the priest or pastoral assistant in your church can help you find maybe another older woman in the church to give you someone to talk to or support or refer to when needed. You are braver than you think and it looks like you are going to get a lot of prayer support from CAF for strength and courage. God bless!
 
roses82 said:
I am “engaged” to a man who I need to leave but I can’t seem to do it. I put engaged in quotes because he has never actually proposed to me and merely agreed to marry me if that is what I really want. I should say that I am not yet Catholic. I began my conversion from atheism bout three years ago but shortly after my younger sister died which turned my life upside down and caused me to fall to pieces. I have tried every year to enter the Church, but have not been able to follow through.
My fiancee is not a bad guy. He’s nice to me, he is generous and humble and forgiving. It seems wrong to make a list of bad qualities, we just see the world differently and we argue a lot. He believes in God but has no interest in the Church. He believes in monogamy and commitment but has no interest in institutional marriage. He will come to Mass with me but he without any enthusiasm. He will show up at the wedding but he’s not going to do anything else to make it happen. I have no family support for my faith and I don’t know if it is strong enough on it’s own even for me let alone to guide a whole family.
I know how all this sounds. I sound weak, and the truth is when it comes to this I am. There are lot’s of pain in my past that makes it hard for me to still believe I could be happy and I am thirty now and I’m afraid this might be my last chance to have children. I know I need to put this in God’s hands and trust that if I don’t let myself be led away He will guide me to where I need to be, but it is so hard. I ask for your prayers and also for your encouragement.
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This isn’t going to work. On the other hand, the sooner you end this, the sooner you will be able to go out there and find the right guy!
 
Unhappily married is a lot worse than unhappily single. You also have to ask yourself whether insisting on marriage and the things you need are going to be something that your “intended” will find make him happy, or just things he endures for your sake. Why would you do that to an enemy, let alone one of your most loyal friends?

There are a lot of wonderful people in the world who never ought to have married each other. Their friends all like them, often like both of them, but hate to hear that they argue a lot. They really hate it when they see them argue a lot. People wonder why couples like this married in the first place.

Don’t become a couple like that. This isn’t just about you, either. Let that guy find someone who will be thrilled with him, not someone who married him because her biological clock robbed her of her courage.
 
dont marry somebody because you love them, marry them because you can live with them, for Love is a choice, but to make others endure us is a sin for we are unworthy of them.

If we really love somebody, we would never marry them, what if we ended up doing something bad or bringing shame to them? what if they came to find somebody they really wanted to be married to and we had came to prevent them from a greater love, if we really loved them wouldnt our selfishness have been that we prevented a greater Love than we could ever offer?

Many people unfortuately, marry others in a self seeking union, selfish to their desires and wants, in denial to their lowering themselves , to be humble and appreciation, when actually, when we marry we are in a union with God directly, to serve God, not our wants, but his will be done…
go martin luther, a great example of mans will defiant to God, god of divorce in union with king henry.
their is only one reason from the standpoint of the experts to marry, to have children, lots, if you dont want children, its merely ignorance to even get married.

you cant learn that from sodomn and gammora, if the focus isnt family, God seems to do away with those that fail to recognize whats not important, and what is.
 
This man sounds like an apathetic blob. He will go to mass, but he doesn’t care about it. He will marry you, but he doesn’t care about it. I would much rather deal with a man who strongly disagreed with me than one who went along with everything in the most careless way possible.

You deserve someone with their own thoughts, with opinions, who knows what he wants and is working to get it. This guy sounds like an emotionally draining bore.
 
Roses,

Many have stated it “he will go along with the marriage because you want it”. He has no emotion towards it, is that the type of marriage you want? You are also only 30 and have many more years to have children – I am sure that this is not the only reason that you want to marry him but to marry this guy for the main reason to have kids will cause issues later on and it will not be a good situation.

Also you will be able to see his true reaction when you tell him that your relationship would not work out and that it needs to end. That reaction will tell you a lot also.

Also stated to be married but miserable is much worse than being single and lonely at times. This I know for a fact.

Stay Strong and trust in God.

Winter
 
BlueEyedLady said:
This man sounds like an apathetic blob. He will go to mass, but he doesn’t care about it. He will marry you, but he doesn’t care about it. I would much rather deal with a man who strongly disagreed with me than one who went along with everything in the most careless way possible.

You deserve someone with their own thoughts, with opinions, who knows what he wants and is working to get it. This guy sounds like an emotionally draining bore.
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Who said he “went along with everything in the most careless way possible”? They argue a lot. If they’re arguing, he has strong feelings about something.

She didn’t say he wasn’t passionate about anything. She said he wasn’t passionate about organized religion, institutional recognition of his commitment to monogamy, or planning weddings. Those aren’t the same thing.

He may not be boring at all and he may have strong opinions in other areas. Again: he may make someone very happy. There is just good reason to believe it won’t be her. She is not going to change to suit him, he’s not going to change to suit her, and they ought not ask that of each other.
 
EasterJoy said:
Who said he “went along with everything in the most careless way possible”? They argue a lot. If they’re arguing, he has strong feelings about something.

She didn’t say he wasn’t passionate about anything. She said he wasn’t passionate about organized religion, institutional recognition of his commitment to monogamy, or planning weddings. Those aren’t the same thing.

He may not be boring at all and he may have strong opinions in other areas. Again: he may make someone very happy. There is just good reason to believe it won’t be her. She is not going to change to suit him, he’s not going to change to suit her, and they ought not ask that of each other.
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When a man says “I’ll show up if you want to marry me, but that’s it”, I have a hard time believing that he’s passionate, opinionated, or cares about anything. Sure, he may make someone very happy, but it shouldn’t be her. Just because they argue doesn’t mean he cares about much.
 
EasterJoy said:
…clip… Let that guy find someone who will be thrilled with him, not someone who married him because her biological clock robbed her of her courage.
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Oh, so true.
BlueEyedLady said:
This man sounds like an apathetic blob.
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YUP. :rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:
BlueEyedLady said:
He will go to mass, but he doesn’t care about it. He will marry you, but he doesn’t care about it. I would much rather deal with a man who strongly disagreed with me than one who went along with everything in the most careless way possible.

You deserve someone with their own thoughts, with opinions, who knows what he wants and is working to get it. This guy sounds like an emotionally draining bore.
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Don’t do this to yourself. The world doesn’t need more unhappiness. You’re worth more than that.
 
BlueEyedLady said:
When a man says “I’ll show up if you want to marry me, but that’s it”, I have a hard time believing that he’s passionate, opinionated, or cares about anything. Sure, he may make someone very happy, but it shouldn’t be her. Just because they argue doesn’t mean he cares about much.
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I must know a lot more guys than you do…and that especially applies to guys who have convinced their female partners to give all the benefits of marriage without having made any formal vows. The attitude that they have given their word to her and do not need outside witnesses beyond that is not uncommon among those who do not feel God needs to be dragged into sexual relationships.
 
EasterJoy said:
I must know a lot more guys than you do…and that especially applies to guys who have convinced their female partners to give all the benefits of marriage without having made any formal vows. The attitude that they have given their word to her and do not need outside witnesses beyond that is not uncommon among those who do not feel God needs to be dragged into sexual relationships.
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It is not uncommon for men to feel like this, but they’re wrong. It’s trying to get by and that’s it. Cheap, cheap, cheap and chintzy to boot.
 
EasterJoy said:
I must know a lot more guys than you do…and that especially applies to guys who have convinced their female partners to give all the benefits of marriage without having made any formal vows. The attitude that they have given their word to her and do not need outside witnesses beyond that is not uncommon among those who do not feel God needs to be dragged into sexual relationships.
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I know a lot of people, male and female, like that too. Heck, I am, or at least was one! I was completely on board with the idea of just forgoing marriage because at the end of the day a commitment is a commitment and I don’t need an expensive party or formal ceremony to be with someone for life.

BUT, marriage mattered a lot to my now fiance. That was something that he always wanted and the formality and officialness of it was important to him. I love him with everything I am, so something that he wanted and something that was important to him suddenly started mattering to me too. That’s what happens when you’re in love with someone, and that’s how so many women end up in Packers jerseys at the local sports bar on Sunday afternoon cheering at the top of their lungs, or why so many men end up buying tickets to the new Nicholas Sparks movie. When you really love someone you start to value what they value, if only because its important to them. The fact that this guy doesn’t makes me wary.
 
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