Ending an unhappy relationship

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Thank you all for your replies. I’m going to talk to him when he gets home from work, so we’ll see how that goes.
I appreciate the support, but please don’t get the wrong idea about him. He is not entirely dispassionate. We both love the outdoors. He bought a little rv he’s been fixing up and we were going to take a big trip this summer to go camping and visit his family in Texas then up the Rockies to visit mine in Montana. We both care about social justice issues, are committed to living very simple lives, want to grow most of our own food, and want not only to have biological children but if at all possible to adopt. We have a lot in common, just not what I know is the most important thing, God.
I also don’t want you to get the wrong idea about me. I’m not only with him because of that ticking noise coming from my lower abdomen (although I admit that is part of it). Like I said we do have stuff in common, we have fun together when we aren’t fighting. When we first met I was in a pretty bad place, and he was really nice to me, he helped me. He really is a good guy, but when I am at Mass with him I find myself worrying about how bored he is instead of focusing on God. I think he has taken a “if you don’t have anything nice to say don’t say anything” approach because when I talk about the Church it pretty much ends whatever conversation we are having. We applied for a marriage licence and then I lost my wallet for a few days so had no ID and couldn’t pick it up. I was relieved. I found my wallet but still haven’t gone. I’ve been waiting for him, just once, to ask about it, but I know he’s not going to. All this just builds up resentment, and then we end up arguing over whether or not to return sherbet to the store because it came covered in freezer burn (that was this morning).
It’s hard to choose uncertainty over certainty even if what your certain of is not that great, and it’s really hard to say goodbye to a friend whose been there for you and who doesn’t want you to go.
 
iloveangels said:
It is not uncommon for men to feel like this, but they’re wrong. It’s trying to get by and that’s it. Cheap, cheap, cheap and chintzy to boot.
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I knew a fellow who said much the same–I’ve committed to you, I’m not going anywhere, and I don’t really feel inclined to use City Hall as my witness–and he was there for the long haul. He was finally convinced (he’s a totally secular guy), that marriage was not him proving to society that he was committed but rather since he was committed, it was coming forward to insist they as a couple be treated as committed by everyone else, that among other things they were entitled to reap the benefits that society saw fit to extend to those making that commitment for real–that is, that if he or his partner was in an accident, they and not their parents would have the legal right to make medical decisions, that in every way they would be “next of kin” to each other, and so on. When he saw it was legally establishing a family and not just “pleasing the busybodies,” as he would have put it, then that changed everything.

He only came around to this when his poor girlfriend went to her other friends and asked, “He wants to know what it will accomplish, because he’s not interested in pleasing anyone else, and I don’t know what to tell him.”

IOW, even in the most basic secular understanding, because both trusted the word of the other, neither had an appreciation that marriage was something that would make a practical difference in their lives. It wasn’t that they didn’t believe in “marriage”, so much as that their “marriage” was based on their word and a handshake. It was as if some guy gave you his word and you wouldn’t believe him without a written contract. Some care very much, and they find the entire concept insulting. They don’t understand even how the law works on behalf of those giving each other their word.
 
roses82 said:
Thank you all for your replies. I’m going to talk to him when he gets home from work, so we’ll see how that goes.
I appreciate the support, but please don’t get the wrong idea about him. He is not entirely dispassionate. We both love the outdoors. He bought a little rv he’s been fixing up and we were going to take a big trip this summer to go camping and visit his family in Texas then up the Rockies to visit mine in Montana. We both care about social justice issues, are committed to living very simple lives, want to grow most of our own food, and want not only to have biological children but if at all possible to adopt. We have a lot in common, just not what I know is the most important thing, God.
I also don’t want you to get the wrong idea about me. I’m not only with him because of that ticking noise coming from my lower abdomen (although I admit that is part of it). Like I said we do have stuff in common, we have fun together when we aren’t fighting. When we first met I was in a pretty bad place, and he was really nice to me, he helped me. He really is a good guy, but when I am at Mass with him I find myself worrying about how bored he is instead of focusing on God. I think he has taken a “if you don’t have anything nice to say don’t say anything” approach because when I talk about the Church it pretty much ends whatever conversation we are having. We applied for a marriage licence and then I lost my wallet for a few days so had no ID and couldn’t pick it up. I was relieved. I found my wallet but still haven’t gone. I’ve been waiting for him, just once, to ask about it, but I know he’s not going to. All this just builds up resentment, and then we end up arguing over whether or not to return sherbet to the store because it came covered in freezer burn (that was this morning).
It’s hard to choose uncertainty over certainty even if what your certain of is not that great, and it’s really hard to say goodbye to a friend whose been there for you and who doesn’t want you to go.
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Are you shacking up with him?
 
roses82 said:
We applied for a marriage licence and then I lost my wallet for a few days so had no ID and couldn’t pick it up. I was relieved. I found my wallet but still haven’t gone.
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This speaks volumes!!! You aren’t ready to marry this man even if he got on his knee and said let’s fly to Vegas.
 
roses82 said:
I am “engaged” to a man who I need to leave but I can’t seem to do it.
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It’s easier than you think.

What’s the absolute worst thing that can happen after you tell him the relationship is over? Well, he get’s mad and leaves, which solves your problem.

Yes, leaving is tough. Staying is far tougher, and far more unhealthy. Just do it. The sooner you do it, the sooner you move on with your life.
 
TheWarriorMonk said:
It’s easier than you think.

What’s the absolute worst thing that can happen after you tell him the relationship is over? Well, he get’s mad and leaves, which solves your problem.

Yes, leaving is tough. Staying is far tougher, and far more unhealthy. Just do it. The sooner you do it, the sooner you move on with your life.
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Plus…you can get a divorce, if the marriage is invalid, but an “ex” is forever.
 
TheRealJuliane said:
Are you shacking up with him?
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OP, I want to apologize if this question and the following couple of responses seem flippant. I sincerely have a question because you mentioned asking your boyfriend when he came home from work, and you also mentioned traveling with him.

If you are living with him and having sex with him, your brain and body are as bonded as they would be if you were already married, which may be the reason it’s so hard to break up. Your wiser self knows that he’s not the man for you, or you wouldn’t be avoiding getting that marriage license.

If you are co-habitating, it’s going to be rough to separate. But you need to do it in order to have any kind of objectivity about your situation.
 
Dear Rose,

I will especially pray for you at Mass tomorrow. I wish I could know you, give you a hug and be there to encourage you to do what you know you need to do. Your title doesn’t say that you are unhappy to end the relationship, instead you say that the relationship is unhappy. You spoke your truth in writing that title.

You deserve better, you know that. You deserve marrying someone who loves you enough to be excited and happy to marry you…not doing it because it is what you want. Yes, as you describe your bf his is not much for committment, either to God or to you. Is this the kind of person you would even want as a father to your children? How committed will he be to them and your marriage? Children need and deserve 2 loving and bonded parents.

Marriage is hard. Anyone who is married will tell you that. It is hard enough for those of us that started with romantic love and stars in our eyes, but we have that well to draw back on when the dust settles and life trudges on to the everyday for decades. Does not seem as if you will have that groundwork as a foundation for a long-lasting marriage. What a tragedy it would be to have children that he would just ignore or desert. Children deserve better. Don’t be pushed by your age. I got married at 36 and my son was born when I was 37.

Your bf is probably a nice person, a good person. But that doesn’t mean he is the one you should marry.

I agree with what others have suggested, get yourself to the local parish, join the inquiry group or RCIA and you will find some Catholic sisters and brothers.
 
roses82 said:
I also don’t want you to get the wrong idea about me. I’m not only with him because of that ticking noise coming from my lower abdomen (although I admit that is part of it). Like I said we do have stuff in common, we have fun together when we aren’t fighting. When we first met I was in a pretty bad place, and he was really nice to me, he helped me. He really is a good guy, but when I am at Mass with him I find myself worrying about how bored he is instead of focusing on God. I think he has taken a “if you don’t have anything nice to say don’t say anything” approach because when I talk about the Church it pretty much ends whatever conversation we are having. We applied for a marriage licence and then I lost my wallet for a few days so had no ID and couldn’t pick it up. I was relieved. I found my wallet but still haven’t gone. I’ve been waiting for him, just once, to ask about it, but I know he’s not going to. All this just builds up resentment, and then we end up arguing over whether or not to return sherbet to the store because it came covered in freezer burn (that was this morning).
It’s hard to choose uncertainty over certainty even if what your certain of is not that great, and it’s really hard to say goodbye to a friend whose been there for you and who doesn’t want you to go.
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Hey, Roses. Much sympathies from here, I’m about where you are, just male. We don’t lose the ability to have babies but we go bald, lose our physical strength and acquire primeval bachelor habits, that last one when we don’t get a marriage to bring civilisation with it. My ever so uxorious father has been slipping comments lately and mentioning “henpecked” only makes it more fun for him because he proudly admits it of all things.

Anyway, I’ve got to say there are two sides of the coin: The one is that complacency and perhaps fear makes people settle, which they regret later. The other is that doubts are parasites and they beset you even when making a good decision.

Perhaps thirdly, life-time singles and people with similar experiences or outlooks are prone to expect ideal candidates or to fail to know what to expect, resulting in confusion.

At any rate, it is true that in the case of most men, you can find a better one. On the other hand, every man you find will have some flaws. If he had no flaws, he’d be a celibate missionary priest in Africa, possibly already gunned down by the baddies. This said, even saints have flaws or quirks, sometimes annoying ones.

I know this doesn’t help your decision. On the other hand, you need information, not just a blind solution.
 
OP, I am in the same boat. I feel for the situation that your are in and hope that you find a resolution.
 
Welcome to CAF. Praying to the Holy Spirit to guide you.

God bless
 
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