Ending communication with parents

[Graceful_Lamb]

I am ending my communication with my parents. The short version is that I have always felt shunned by my parents, without getting into all the details.

What is weighing on me is if cutting communication with my parents will be a violation of the Fourth Commandment. Do I need to speak to a priest about this in spiritual direction, or how should I go about discerning this, other than praying?

 

[FrancescaMaria]

You are not alone. Sometimes there is no better solution to family relationships than to remove ourselves from our parents’ presence. Praying for them is always a good way to honor them.

 

[Graceful_Lamb]

You are not alone. Sometimes there is no better solution to family relationships than to remove ourselves from our parents’ presence. Praying for them is always a good way to honor them.

By far, I know that I’m not alone. I have seen lots of issues with parents here on CAF.

I suppose praying for them would be a great way to honor them. I pray for them already. Just not sure if that is enough to fulfill the Fourth Commandment.

 

[porthos11]

I am ending my communication with my parents. The short version is that I have always felt shunned by my parents, without getting into all the details.

What is weighing on me is if cutting communication with my parents will be a violation of the Fourth Commandment. Do I need to speak to a priest about this in spiritual direction, or how should I go about discerning this, other than praying?

Same answer from me as with the other thread by another poster.

No, it’s not a violation of the Fourth.

If your parents are toxic, cutting ties, even completely, is the best thing, both for you and for them.

This is completely your decision and must be respected.

You are still obligated to care for them to the best of your ability, so this means if they fall ill due to old age, you may need to provide for them financially, or help to do so. This could simply mean wiring funds electronically through an intermediary or care centre. Toxic or not, we do need to ensure our parents do not end up homeless or hungry or deprived of ordinary care.

This does not mean you have to talk to them.

 

[DarkLight]

One thing I read from a jewish perspective: you honor your parents by living as though they raised you well. Even if you have to stay away from them for your own safety (and emotional safety counts), you honor them by living as someone to be proud of.

 

[porthos11]

One thing I read from a jewish perspective: you honor your parents by living as though they raised you well. Even if you have to stay away from them for your own safety (and emotional safety counts), you honor them by living as someone to be proud of.

This is a good point and insight.

Or, put more crudely (but I’d say a more fun manner):

“Living well is the best revenge.”

 

[Graceful_Lamb]

Same answer from me as with the other thread by another poster.

No, it’s not a violation of the Fourth.

If your parents are toxic, cutting ties, even completely, is the best thing, both for you and for them.

This is completely your decision and must be respected.

You are still obligated to care for them to the best of your ability, so this means if they fall ill due to old age, you may need to provide for them financially, or help to do so. This could simply mean wiring funds electronically through an intermediary or care centre. Toxic or not, we do need to ensure our parents do not end up homeless or hungry or deprived of ordinary care.

This does not mean you have to talk to them.

My parents told me years ago that they have all of their care set up for when they aren’t as able to take care of themselves. My dad (and mom) have great insurance through a well-known healthcare company that he worked for over 35 years before he retired. My parents’ house is long paid off and they are set financially. They are both active, both drive, go to their doctor appointments, vacations, etc.

The only thing is that if something were to happen to one of them (needing $$, etc. - which I doubt) I don’t even know how I would know if they needed help. I don’t normally speak to either of my parents’ siblings (not cut off, it is just the way it is). I am friends with my uncle’s wife and my two first cousins on Facebook. So, if something did happen(financially, etc.) I may not find out about it.

I would help my parents financially, etc., but as far as seeing/talking to them, I don’t see that happening.

 

[Graceful_Lamb]

One thing I read from a jewish perspective: you honor your parents by living as though they raised you well. Even if you have to stay away from them for your own safety (and emotional safety counts), you honor them by living as someone to be proud of.

I like this. My parents did raise me well regarding a number of things (manners, be responsible, budget money, etc.). Their approach was very strict and stiffling. Also, once my sister arrived on the scene, everything seemed to be about her. Not just as an infant who needed attention, but even as a teenager, adult, etc. It is blatantly obvious that my sister is the favorite. It has been noticed by friends and others. My mom will tell you that there isn’t a favorite, though.

 

[porthos11]

My parents told me years ago that they have all of their care set up for when they aren’t as able to take care of themselves. My dad (and mom) have great insurance through a well-known healthcare company that he worked for over 35 years before he retired. My parents’ house is long paid off and they are set financially. They are both active, both drive, go to their doctor appointments, vacations, etc.

The only thing is that if something were to happen to one of them (needing $$, etc. - which I doubt) I don’t even know how I would know if they needed help. I don’t normally speak to either of my parents’ siblings (not cut off, it is just the way it is). I am friends with my uncle’s wife and my two first cousins on Facebook. So, if something did happen(financially, etc.) I may not find out about it.

I would help my parents financially, etc., but as far as seeing/talking to them, I don’t see that happening.

Then you do nothing wrong by keeping your distance and your silence. Just remember them in your prayers, and one great way of honouring them is to have a Mass (with stipend) said for their intentions.

Other than that, you do not need to hear from each other ever again, if it’s for your own peace.

Caveat: I’m working in the presumption that your parents are toxic. If they aren’t but you’re “merely” estranged, cutting off communication may or may not be the right course of action.

We have to presume the best of intentions on your part and that you have come to an informed and reasoned judgment, well aware that we are hearing only one side of the story.

 

[AussieTrish]

Even with all the above,
pray and discern whether or not jealousy is a part of your perception,
and actual cause of your resentment and alienation,
and if it is, it may be a challenge God wishes you to acknowledge and redress.

 

[PaulfromIowa]

OP, if your parents are dangerous, you are justified in not communicating with them. If they are merely annoying, unfair, etc., you should try to maintain occasional contact with them. You do not have to let them control your emotions. Pray for them.

 

[Graceful_Lamb]

OP, if your parents are dangerous, you are justified in not communicating with them. If they are merely annoying, unfair, etc., you should try to maintain occasional contact with them. You do not have to let them control your emotions. Pray for them.

I believe that they are unfair. I have been thinking about maintaining occasional contact. I would control how often I contact them, etc. and the relationship would be on my terms, since for all of these years, it has been on their terms. My turn now.

I do pray for them,b ut I think I need to pay for them more and/or pray a Rosary for them.

 

[Graceful_Lamb]

Even with all the above,
pray and discern whether or not jealousy is a part of your perception,
and actual cause of your resentment and alienation,
and if it is, it may be a challenge God wishes you to acknowledge and redress.

I’m glad you brought this up, because this is something I have thought about. Maybe this is a challenge from God. I need to pray about it.

I’m sure that jealousy is part of my perception, since my sister has always been the favorite (IMO) for as long as I can ever remember. My sister and I have never really gotten along for as long as I can remember.

There are also a couple of things that I’m having a hard time getting past. One is that when my sister was younger (teen) she got pregnant and she terminated her pregnancy. Not just that, but how she went about it. She wanted to take money out of her bank account and I have always felt strongly that if you make the money, you get the choose how it it is spent. (My parents liked to control our finances while living at home, and that is why I feel the way I do). Anyway, I side with her that she can take the $$ out. Find out at a later point in time from my mom that the $$ was for her half of the abortion (her boyfriend paid for the other half). So, she made me an unknowing accessory to her evil act.

My parents handled the whole situation with kid gloves with my sister and they wouldn’t have done that with me. They told me in no uncertain terms when I hit puberty that if I ever came home pregnant they would kick me out.

 

[Gertabelle]

When I was in my early twenties, I knew I needed to cut off all contact with my parents. In my mind, they were just too messed up and controlling.

After about seven years of very minimal contact – and me finishing college and starting a career and getting out on my own – I gradually started to let them back in… and surprisingly to me, I grew to love them deeply for who they are and accept the love they offered in their own ways.

Now, some twenty years later, I see that I really did need that separation. But it wasn’t because my parents were evil or messed up or control freaks. Well, my childhood was actually pretty messed up, I won’t deny it. Still, I am just one of those people who couldn’t blossom in the shadow of my immediate family. I had to be separate…and separated by half a continent apparently.

If you need that space, then take it. But you don’t need to justify it by making everyone else out to be the bad guy… or by any other means. You need the space because you need the space. Take it with a humble heart as a child of God – and see where He leads in the coming years.

Some of us just need to bloom somewhere other than where we were originally planted.

I’ll keep you in my prayers. :hug3:

 

[Graceful_Lamb]

I’m glad you brought this up, because this is something I have thought about. Maybe this is a challenge from God. I need to pray about it.

I’m sure that jealousy is part of my perception, since my sister has always been the favorite (IMO) for as long as I can ever remember. My sister and I have never really gotten along for as long as I can remember.

 

[AussieTrish]

It sounds as if your parents may have been unwise or unaware of your feelings when your sister was small. A newborn requires a lot of focus and attention, but that is difficult for the other child to understand that and not feel pushed aside.
When we feel unloved or unappreciated we don’t act our best, so that may have further caused relationship harm in your family. When we show our negative feelings that doesn’t invite a generous response.
Parents do need to be careful from the beginning when bringing a baby home.

Parents are sometimes stricter with the first child, and with later experience, are more relaxed with the second or subsequent children, which feels unfair to the older/eldest child. They also may relax some rules for younger children.
That your parents may have been controlling is indicated in the comments about access to the money their children earned. What your mother said regarding unmarried pregnancy…there is no guarantee that she wouldn’t have similarly responded to the reality, but that she was trying to control the possibility. However it sounds as if you wouldn’t have chosen your sister’s drastic solution.

Even if you understand why your parents might have acted as they did doesn’t actually heal the damage and doubt in you. That is a serious childhood injury that as a mother I couldn’t have borne to leave unaddressed. My three are very different to each other, and if I regret any mistakes I made, they simply say in one form or other, “You always loved us.” Not all parents are wise or experienced, and regrettably your parents may have forgotten to ensure that their first child would need reassurance and involvement.

It’s hard to overcome the damage, and I hope you find a way. Breaking from your family may help, at the same time it is likely to create even more insurmountable difficulties and hurt.

May God guide you

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

Caveat: I’m working in the presumption that your parents are toxic. If they aren’t but you’re “merely” estranged, cutting off communication may or may not be the right course of action.
.

I agree. Revenge would indeed be a sin, while self protection is another matter. There is a huge difference between the two.

 

[Graceful_Lamb]

If you need that space, then take it. But you don’t need to justify it by making everyone else out to be the bad guy… or by any other means. You need the space because you need the space. Take it with a humble heart as a child of God – and see where He leads in the coming years.

Some of us just need to bloom somewhere other than where we were originally planted.

I’ll keep you in my prayers. :hug3:I AGREE. I don’t need to justify why I need space. I am glad that things turned out well by between you and your parents. I will pray for a brighter future concerning them, but in reality, it is doubtful. I have struggled with my relationship with my parents for many years.

Thanks again for your words of wisdom

 

[Graceful_Lamb]

Then you do nothing wrong by keeping your distance and your silence. Just remember them in your prayers, and one great way of honouring them is to have a Mass (with stipend) said for their intentions.

Other than that, you do not need to hear from each other ever again, if it’s for your own peace.

Caveat: I’m working in the presumption that your parents are toxic. If they aren’t but you’re “merely” estranged, cutting off communication may or may not be the right course of action.

We have to presume the best of intentions on your part and that you have come to an informed and reasoned judgment, well aware that we are hearing only one side of the story.

I believe that my parents are toxic. I may wind up having very brief conversations with them in the future and keeping the relationship at a distance instead of cutting them off completely.

 

[Graceful_Lamb]

I agree. Revenge would indeed be a sin, while self protection is another matter. There is a huge difference between the two.

I have been contemplating cutting down/cutting off communication with my parents for a while now. I believe that me backing off on communicating with my parents is more for my own self than anything else. The constant being shunned, and shunning (recent and over the years) has gotten to be a bit much.

Honestly, with the way my parents behave sometimes, I wonder sometimes if they care at all. Sure, they send me money for Christmas, my birthday, etc. That’s very nice, but I’d much rather have their support and love than the money, any day.

When I talked with my dad yesterday about all of this, one thing he asked was that contacting my sister after not having contact all this time, wouldn’t it be the Christian thing to do? I answered that yes it is the Christian thing to do, but not everyone does the Christian thing, etc. I have to say that was a very nice guilt trip on his part.

I have to say that I’m not really feeling the love with my parents. I’m frustrated with them and have been for a while, but it is exacerbated by this situation with the holidays.