Ending communication with parents

[Graceful_Lamb]

It sounds as if your parents may have been unwise or unaware of your feelings when your sister was small. A newborn requires a lot of focus and attention, but that is difficult for the other child to understand that and not feel pushed aside.

When we feel unloved or unappreciated we don’t act our best, so that may have further caused relationship harm in your family. When we show our negative feelings that doesn’t invite a generous response.

Parents do need to be careful from the beginning when bringing a baby home.

Parents are sometimes stricter with the first child, and with later experience, are more relaxed with the second or subsequent children, which feels unfair to the older/eldest child. They also may relax some rules for younger children.
That your parents may have been controlling is indicated in the comments about access to the money their children earned. What your mother said regarding unmarried pregnancy…there is no guarantee that she wouldn’t have similarly responded to the reality, but that she was trying to control the possibility. However it sounds as if you wouldn’t have chosen your sister’s drastic solution.

Even if you understand why your parents might have acted as they did doesn’t actually heal the damage and doubt in you. That is a serious childhood injury that as a mother I couldn’t have borne to leave unaddressed. My three are very different to each other, and if I regret any mistakes I made, they simply say in one form or other, “You always loved us.” Not all parents are wise or experienced, and regrettably your parents may have forgotten to ensure that their first child would need reassurance and involvement.

It’s hard to overcome the damage, and I hope you find a way. Breaking from your family may help, at the same time it is likely to create even more insurmountable difficulties and hurt.

May God guide you

I didn’t have issues with my parents spending more time with my sister when she was a baby. It was when we both got older and the attention was still all on her. I have had numerous conversations over the years with my parents on how I feel my sister is the favorite, how I have felt shunned, etc. They have always defended their actions. Sometimes years later, I may have gotten, “we made a mistake.” I get that we are all human and we all make mistakes, but sometimes seems to me that my parents do what is convenient at that time. It seem that they hope that an apology will clear things up and that everything is just okay again.

I have told them in the past about how I don’t think that they care, etc. Their behavior doesn’t change even after I have let them know how I feel. That is what is really upsetting. I know I can’t change them, but I would hope that after I tell them how they are coming across that they would try to modify their behavior. From where I sit, doesn’t seem like an effort was made. They could have made an effort, and if they really did, it wasn’t noticeable.

I already told my parents that I don’t want to hear years from now that they made a mistake because I don’t want to hear it. I don’t think my parents realize the damage that they are causing to my relationship with them and that it is damage that is not going to be easily undone.

I am currently discerning the issues and praying about it.

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

These family matters are very difficult to explain to other people. I know this from experience. People just assume that things happened in my family in a certain way, but of course, that is not necessarily the case. I don’t doubt that you have suffered a lot, people don’t contemplate cutting ties over nothing. I’m sorry you are in this situation, and I will pray for your intention.

 

[mgstf]

People who are posting here, please, please, please be careful! There are times when cutting oneself off from one’s parents could be a matter of safety or survival, but reconciliation, if at all possible should always be encouraged. I had a daughter who having teen issues with her stricter parent (in comparison to her mother) had been advised by the local pastor to make amends when her preference was not to deal with me at all. She came for a second opinion to this forum about 10 years ago where she was given the same line some of you are giving “praying for your father is a sufficient way to honor him”. I have not heard her voice since. Her children do not recognize me. I would not recognize her voice anymore. The division in the family (the advise was spread to other siblings) was a major factor in the ultimate break up of my wife and I. It devastated me and does to this day. Cutting off ties with your parent is no minor matter.

 

[psalm90]

I am ending my communication with my parents. The short version is that I have always felt shunned by my parents, without getting into all the details.

What is weighing on me is if cutting communication with my parents will be a violation of the Fourth Commandment. Do I need to speak to a priest about this in spiritual direction, or how should I go about discerning this, other than praying?

I picked up a Jewish book on morality, and of course they cover this subject of parents.
There is a broad interpretation of the commandment to honor our parents. For example, when they are old we have to take care of them, even financially, feed them, clothe them, house them, etc. but also maybe put them in a nursing home or foster home when the time comes. We are supposed to visit them so that they are not lonely.

But, the book recognizes your situation, that things don’t always work out. Here, we shouldn’t be giving you hard advice about what to do. We don’t know all the facts, etc., we shouldn’t judge or condemn, etc.

all of us reading this don’t understand their behavior. at the very least, send birthday cards and holiday cards, even if you get no response. Let THEM know the channel of communication is open. do this, if possible.

 

[DarkLight]

Pick up the book Boundaries by Cloud Townsend. There’s a lot that can be done here. Part of what you can consider with parents is interacting with them, but only if certain conditions are met. If those are not met you end the interaction. For example, you might say “We won’t talk if you insist on comparing me to my sister.” Then if they start comparing you, you hang up the phone or walk away or whatever. Basically teach them that they have to treat you nicely in order to have contact.

 

[AClaire11]

Toxic Parents is also a good book to read.

 

[Graceful_Lamb]

Pick up the book Boundaries by Cloud Townsend. There’s a lot that can be done here. Part of what you can consider with parents is interacting with them, but only if certain conditions are met. If those are not met you end the interaction. For example, you might say “We won’t talk if you insist on comparing me to my sister.” Then if they start comparing you, you hang up the phone or walk away or whatever. Basically teach them that they have to treat you nicely in order to have contact.

I think I have that book, but I haven’t read it yet. I need to start reading it.

 

[Graceful_Lamb]

Toxic Parents is also a good book to read.

I have already read this book, but maybe I need to read it again. Thanks.

 

[Graceful_Lamb]

all of us reading this don’t understand their behavior. at the very least, send birthday cards and holiday cards, even if you get no response. Let THEM know the channel of communication is open. do this, if possible.

At this time, I am planning on sending birthday cards, Christmas cards, etc. to them. For Christmas, I will probably send them a token gift, such as a gift card to one of their favorite restaurants.

 

[Gertabelle]

When you are ready, (and when and if that time comes), I would ask you to prayerfully sit down and ask what exactly and concretely that you could reasonably expect from your parents and sister. This kind of mental exercise can help you a great deal in moving forward, but again, when you are ready.

When you say you want your parents “love” that is lovely but it is difficult to measure because the concept of love is really a concept that exists inside your heart and head that no one can grasp concretely. When you say you want their “support” it’s the same thing. Married couples experience this same frustration so you are not alone! Be willing to sit down and say okay, from my parents I would like them to 1) call me on the phone once a month 2) give me a hug once a month 3) give me a compliment once a month 4) send me a card/gift card greeting on my birthday. These may seem trivial but they can be helpful because they are actual/concrete ways to measure things. That way, when and if you are ready to move forward in your relationship you can tell if the relationship with them is really making positive progress or not or if either/both of you are being reasonable in your expectations.

Then, if you are willing to move forward taking small steps for a time. Your relationship may even be able to heal over the course of many months or years. However, I would urge you to be willing to measure your progress and your parents progress in real ways taking into account everyone’s personality and what can be expected of them. Expecting a shy non-touchy person to suddenly start hugging might be unreasonable for example.

Please be assured of my prayers for you on your journey and wishing you all the best it’s not an easy decision. God bless.

Yes! This is a very wise post.

Part of the reason everything turned out well with my parents is because the distance I created (and it wasn’t being completely cut off) allowed me to grow stronger in who I am as a unique human being – not what I thought they expected or were holding me to.

AND it allowed me to see them as human beings just like me – flawed, making efforts, giving up in some areas, blind to some things (imagine what we don’t know we don’t know about ourselves!), and gifted in other things.

I never reflected on what I needed from them, because I was pretty sure I’d never get it. But it didn’t matter in the end. I forgave all their faults and flaws and outright sins against me and my brother. Becoming an adult gave me a glimpse into what it’s like to struggle and fail with huge responsibilities (like teaching small children and parenting). I learned compassion towards them.

And then I was able to accept love the way they offered it, rather than the way I thought they should offer it. I was able to accept that my mom just feels stronger and happier around my brother than me. But she still loves to chat with me on the phone, and spend time together, and hear about my life. She may feel closer to my brother, but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t love me at all. I will always be her baby, even at the age of 49.

Still praying for you, Lamb. Be at peace.

 

[Graceful_Lamb]

When you are ready, (and when and if that time comes), I would ask you to prayerfully sit down and ask what exactly and concretely that you could reasonably expect from your parents and sister. This kind of mental exercise can help you a great deal in moving forward, but again, when you are ready.

I am currently trying to pray and discern this very thing.

When you say you want your parents “love” that is lovely but it is difficult to measure because the concept of love is really a concept that exists inside your heart and head that no one can grasp concretely. When you say you want their “support” it’s the same thing. Married couples experience this same frustration so you are not alone! Be willing to sit down and say okay, from my parents I would like them to 1) call me on the phone once a month 2) give me a hug once a month 3) give me a compliment once a month 4) send me a card/gift card greeting on my birthday. These may seem trivial but they can be helpful because they are actual/concrete ways to measure things. That way, when and if you are ready to move forward in your relationship you can tell if the relationship with them is really making positive progress or not or if either/both of you are being reasonable in your expectations.

I have done this already to an extent. I have said to my husband that I wish my mother would call once every couple of weeks and that sort of thing. I have expressed same to my mom in the past but to no avail.

Then, if you are willing to move forward taking small steps for a time. Your relationship may even be able to heal over the course of many months or years. However, I would urge you to be willing to measure your progress and your parents progress in real ways taking into account everyone’s personality and what can be expected of them. Expecting a shy non-touchy person to suddenly start hugging might be unreasonable for example.

I am willing to move forward with keeping them at arm’s length. I feel that their feelings and those of others matter and mine don’t. It has been that way for as long as I can remember. I am just unable to keep going through the same mental and emotional issues with them over and over. It isn’t good for me, my husband, etc.

My husband has always encouraged me to have a good relationship with my parents, let things go (don’t argue) and I have managed to do just that, for the most part. Even though he has been frustrated with them for a while in how they treat me, he still continued to encourage me to have a good relationship with them.
Please be assured of my prayers for you on your journey and wishing you all the best it’s not an easy decision. God bless.

Thank you, Monicad. God bless you, too.

 

[Graceful_Lamb]

Yes! This is a very wise post.

Part of the reason everything turned out well with my parents is because the distance I created (and it wasn’t being completely cut off) allowed me to grow stronger in who I am as a unique human being – not what I thought they expected or were holding me to.

AND it allowed me to see them as human beings just like me – flawed, making efforts, giving up in some areas, blind to some things (imagine what we don’t know we don’t know about ourselves!), and gifted in other things.

I never reflected on what I needed from them, because I was pretty sure I’d never get it. But it didn’t matter in the end. I forgave all their faults and flaws and outright sins against me and my brother. Becoming an adult gave me a glimpse into what it’s like to struggle and fail with huge responsibilities (like teaching small children and parenting). I learned compassion towards them.

And then I was able to accept love the way they offered it, rather than the way I thought they should offer it. I was able to accept that my mom just feels stronger and happier around my brother than me. But she still loves to chat with me on the phone, and spend time together, and hear about my life. She may feel closer to my brother, but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t love me at all. I will always be her baby, even at the age of 49.

Still praying for you, Lamb. Be at peace.

I have reflected on what I need from them and have even expressed it, but to no avail. I have tried having compassion towards them, but I feel that has left me vulnerable for them to treat me the way they do. I’m not saying that I don’t have compassion, but I am definitely not as compassionate as I once was towards them.

I do understand that they are human just like me and we all make mistakes. I really do get it. What I don’t understand is how they consistently keep treating me the same way and then they don’t understand when I don’t have a good reaction to they that they treat me.

I do plan on having a relationship with my parents but a minimal relationship. I will send them birthday cards, Christmas cards, a token Christmas gift, etc. I will call them once every couple of months and have a brief conversation (10 minutes or less). It will be just enough to have a relationship but nothing more. The old adage that if one doesn’t expect anything they can’t be disappointed will be how I need to view my relationship with them. I have had that attitude with them before, but before long, I find myself wanting more from them. I need to accept that they are probably incapable (for whatever reason) of giving more, so I need to learn not to expect anything and make that a permanent attitude concerning them.

Thank you for your prayers. God bless.

 

[AdamP88]

I am ending my communication with my parents. The short version is that I have always felt shunned by my parents, without getting into all the details.

What is weighing on me is if cutting communication with my parents will be a violation of the Fourth Commandment. Do I need to speak to a priest about this in spiritual direction, or how should I go about discerning this, other than praying?

I know how you feel. I have a tenuous relationship with my biological father. He was never much of a father and not really that interested in me or being part of my life. Fortunately I have a brilliant stepfather.
I have always tried to keep up a relationship with him though, I decided after my wedding (which he was invited to but didn’t attend with the lame excuse of “something came up at work”) that there is little point in trying anymore. I’ve been disappointed too many times. I just have to accept the fact that he doesn’t give a hoot about having a relationship with his son. I don’t want to expose my own children to a grandfather who doesn’t care about them so I’ve decided to just not bother getting in contact with him anymore.

 

[Graceful_Lamb]

I know how you feel. I have a tenuous relationship with my biological father. He was never much of a father and not really that interested in me or being part of my life. Fortunately I have a brilliant stepfather.
I have always tried to keep up a relationship with him though, I decided after my wedding (which he was invited to but didn’t attend with the lame excuse of “something came up at work”) that there is little point in trying anymore. I’ve been disappointed too many times. I just have to accept the fact that he doesn’t give a hoot about having a relationship with his son. I don’t want to expose my own children to a grandfather who doesn’t care about them so I’ve decided to just not bother getting in contact with him anymore.

That is sad that your biological father couldn’t show up to your wedding. Very sad, but his actions speak loud and clear that he doesn’t care.

 

[AdamP88]

That is sad that your biological father couldn’t show up to your wedding. Very sad, but his actions speak loud and clear that he doesn’t care.

Yes. I’ve been told by some people that the approach I’m adopting is unchristian. But I don’t think it is. His actions hurt me and I have been repeatedly hurt by him over the years. I try to forgive him, I’ll admit that there are some days where I’m angry and it hurts me but I try not to dwell on it. I don’t think that it’s unchristian to want to protect your future kids (and yourself) from hurt by realizing they have a grandad, but he would never pick up the phone to find out anything about them.

I’ll admit that in this case there are possible cultural issues between my father and I, and I believe that he has his own issues too. But I do think that there is also a large dose of old fashioned selfishness on his part.

 

[Graceful_Lamb]

Yes. I’ve been told by some people that the approach I’m adopting is unchristian.

When I talked to my dad the other day, he asked me if contacting my sister after all these years of not talking would be the Christian thing to do. I didn’t answer him. He told me I didn’t answer, so I said yes. He said, “there you go.” I told him that not everyone does the Christian thing, etc. Of course, I asked him if him contacting his sister that he doesn’t talk to would be the Christian thing to do, or inviting his daughter (me) over for the holidays would be the Christian thing to do. He told me that he didn’t have to answer the question. Sigh.

Anyway, I’m not trying to imply in the above that you not contacting your dad is unchristian of you. It sounds like you are doing the right thing in not communicating with him.

 

[Graceful_Lamb]

People who are posting here, please, please, please be careful! There are times when cutting oneself off from one’s parents could be a matter of safety or survival, but reconciliation, if at all possible should always be encouraged. I had a daughter who having teen issues with her stricter parent (in comparison to her mother) had been advised by the local pastor to make amends when her preference was not to deal with me at all. She came for a second opinion to this forum about 10 years ago where she was given the same line some of you are giving “praying for your father is a sufficient way to honor him”. I have not heard her voice since. Her children do not recognize me. I would not recognize her voice anymore. The division in the family (the advise was spread to other siblings) was a major factor in the ultimate break up of my wife and I. It devastated me and does to this day. Cutting off ties with your parent is no minor matter.

I have decided not to cut my parents off, but to limit my contact with them. Limit what I share with them, limit the amount of time I spend communicating with them.

With my current situation in dealing with my parents, I feel like I am :banghead: This isn’t my first conversation with them concerning my sister. My parents are well aware of the issues I have had with my sister over the years. My dad says that I’m the one that seems to be “put out.” When I called years ago saying I was going to come over on Christmas and the response was, “don’t you think you should call your sister first?” So, I’m being shunned because I don’t have a relationship with my sister. My dad says the topic hasn’t come up with my sister. I think it is because she probably doesn’t care about having a relationship with me. I’m the one who stopped contact because it was clear that she was only going to respond if I communicated first, and even then, it was like pulling teeth.

I understand what you are saying, though. I agree that reconciliation should be encouraged, but it is not always possible, even if the parents aren’t dangerous and/or abusive. Sometimes parents can be selfish or narcissistic and those traits can also prevent reconciliation.

 

[mgstf]

As a broken hearted father that doesn’t have a clue how best to reconcile with my own kids who have opted not to keep the door open, THANK YOU I pray healing will come to all of you.

 

[Rosebud77]

OP;please keep doors a little ajar.

My mother was killed by a car when we were not in touch.

It never stops hurting and it is only of late I have understood that it was not her fault or mine.Yet my guilt has followed me down the decades l She had, become a “s mother” and also blamed me for my illness

Please, slow it all down gradually so that no one gets hurt? hard to do when feelings are running high but so do most worthwhile things.

Easier then to cope with your own emotions…

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

Yes. I’ve been told by some people that the approach I’m adopting is unchristian. But I don’t think it is. His actions hurt me and I have been repeatedly hurt by him over the years. I try to forgive him, I’ll admit that there are some days where I’m angry and it hurts me but I try not to dwell on it.
.

Many people are very lucky when it comes to family life and because of that don’t understand what you have experienced. I have a pretty extreme situation with my father and it is so obvious when I talk to friends about it that they have absolutely no clue what I’m on about. They try to understand and relate in some way, but they can’t. What I describe is so far from their experiences, they can’t even imagine a father behaving in such a way.

So based on this I believe that people should never, ever comment on other people’s family tragedies and most certainly should not label some decisions as unchristian.