Engaged--And My Immediate Family Won't Come

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Ukelala91

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My (now) fiancee and I are engaged! I couldn’t be happier…except for one rather large issue. My immediate family doesn’t approve, says I have “failed” the family, and refuses to come to the wedding. What’s more, they actually RUINED the proposal by calling me the night before, after my fiancee had just asked my Dad’s blessing (he said no), begging me to not get engaged.

There’s a lot of backstory here. My mother is emotionally and (on a couple occasions) physically abusive, and my Dad and younger siblings enable her. Because of this, about six months ago, I moved out. With enormous student loan debt, no car, and no friends living on their own yet (I live in a high real estate area), I prayerfully moved in with my boyfriend; we have separate rooms and are careful to keep our living situation discreet. Before you bring up “scandal,” we have sought the advice of several priests, who say our situation is understandable. We adhere to chastity.

My parents disapprove of this arrangement, not seeing that it was unsafe and bad for my mental health (I have severe anxiety) to live in that house anymore. My Dad acknowledged it was probably for the best for me to move out, however. They also don’t like that my fiancee has, in the past, criticized their abuse in front of my sisters. For this, they have branded him rude and divisive, pulling me away from my family and into sinful scandal.

Their reaction is extreme–they won’t talk to me and promise they refuse to be involved with or attend my wedding. This is guaranteed to cause issues in our social and familial circles (everyone else is happy for us, including other relatives on my side). They have made their decision clear: leave my fiancee, or lose the family. What kind of choice is that? I love my sisters and my parents-- I pray often for them-- but I cannot see how this is right. One of my sisters said if this was the holy choice, everyone would celebrate it. Am I breaking the fourth commandment by proceeding with my engagement? Is there anything I can do to mend things here? I cannot move back home, and I will not leave my fiancee. He is a wonderful, godly man who brings me great joy. It seems my happiness counts for nothing.
 
I would say you are very much justified and that doing this is fine… It will be sad that your family will not come, but I would think and hope that will be overruled by your joy at your wedding day.
Will be sure to pray for you.
 
are your parents Catholic? And if so, do they regularly go to Mass?

If, so, talk to your family’s pastor and see what he thinks and if he would be willing to intercede for you or arbitrate a peace between you and your family.

Depending on the priest’s relationship with your parents he may or may not be willing to attempt to help the situation.

(Granted, he would ONLY be willing to do so if he thought it would help and not make things worse)

But either way, it won’t hurt to talk to him (assuming your parents are Catholic and go to Mass).

God bless & I pray this situation will be resolved.
 
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BTW - what is their major objection? Is it fact that you moved in with your boyfriend? If so, do you have a girl friend you could move in with for a short while? Or could one of your sisters move in with you and share the bedroom with you so they know you are remaining chaste?

Just trying to think outside the box.

God bless
 
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phil19034 said:
are your parents Catholic? And if so, do they regularly go to Mass?

If, so, talk to your family’s pastor and see what he thinks and if he would be willing to intercede for you or arbitrate a peace between you and your family.
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I don’t understand why you would think that the priest’s intercession would only be useful for mass-attending Catholics and not any others?
 
Augustinian said:
I don’t understand why you would think that the priest’s intercession would only be useful for mass-attending Catholics and not any others?
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I didn’t mean to imply “and not any others.” I’m simply assuming that if the parents are mass attending, they MIGHT be more inclined to meet with Father and Father MIGHT be more inclined to meet with them if he knows them (which if they go to Mass on a regular basis increases he’s chances of knowing them).

I was not implying nor meant to imply that if they don’t go to Mass, you can’t ask Father.
 
You have beared so much and you can be very, very proud of you. Congratulation to your engagement!
  1. I am happy to hear you moved out of this situation at home. How old are you? If you aren´t 18 (and even then there are situations where every way out is a good way) chances are high that you have made a mature decision.
  2. I hope your fiancé is not “the way out” - and even if you really love him, give yourself a silent think about this. Marriage is too important and your situation to stressful to not do this. Don´t feel offended now, I say this because I was in a similar situation as a young woman and made myself dependent on a man because of family issues.
  3. Depending on your age, there may be therapy/support options for young adults in difficult family relations. Don´t be shy to ask for help. I don´t know how your current job situation is and how many new friends you may meet in your current life stage, but good social contacts beside marriage are a stable ground. Never make your future husband the only important person in your life.
  4. I see no scandal. Your priest was ok, you seem to be reasonable people, both is more important than anyones view, parents included.
  5. Don´t let anyone blackmail you emotionaly. If they will not attend your wedding, it is sad, and it´s ok to feel sad, but you won´t have a horrible wedding with it. My wedding was without many “friends” who were ageinst the marriage and without many family members. It was incredibly beautiful because there was my husband and me - don´t worry about this too much.
You are in my prayers.
 
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Ukelala91 said:
Am I breaking the fourth commandment by proceeding with my engagement?
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No. Absolutely not. Read the Catechism on the 4th commandment. Parents are NOT to try to force children into marriages or careers.

If your parent is mentally and/or physically abusive, you are right to get out of the situation. You are under the advice of your priest regarding your living arrangements, as your spiritual advisor listen to him.
Ukelala91 said:
Is there anything I can do to mend things here?
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Maybe and maybe not. Only time will tell. Go forward with marriage preparation under the advice and guidance of your pastor. If your parents choose not to be involved or attend, that is their problem not yours. Of course it will be disappointing for you. You will have to work through the emotions associated with wanting to please your parents. And with loving people who are not capable of loving you back unconditionally. Your mother has some severe issues, and if your father and siblings aren’t willing to stand up to her then there isn’t anything you can do but get away from the crazy. Your dad sounds like the reasonable one, maybe your priest could talk to him.

Ultimately, if you are ready to be married you are ready to leave your family for your spouse, and he must come first. It’s not going to be pleasant, but you will build your life together with or without them.

I think your boyfriend made a tactical mistake asking for their “blessing” which is NOT a requirement (or even healthy in your family’s situation). Now your parents have something to gripe about-- him asking, them saying “no” and you going ahead with it.
 
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I’d say this is a little bit on the dramatic side. Even if they do not come to the wedding does not mean that the bridge is forever destroyed.

There are many people who “hated” their child’s fiancee or new spouse who in time grow to love them. It takes a big person
 
My family disapproves because he is “okay” with me living with him “in scandal” and because he’s voiced some (fair) criticism of them in front of my younger siblings, who are much younger than me. To me, even if I were truly living in scandal and if he had truly been unfair in his critiques, those would still be dramatic and ridiculous reasons to not attend my wedding and, in the words of my teenage sister, want “no part in your life.”
 
Thanks so much for these points. Let me answer them.
  1. We are both 26, with full-time jobs and all that.
  2. I had given this much thought. In some ways I am dependent on him temporarily, but I also know that if I had to, I would make do on my own. Having him as a support system has made me humble, grateful, and given us a good perspective on our strengths and weaknesses.
  3. I have wonderful supportive friends, priests, and extended family members. I am also looking for a good Catholic therapist; as I mentioned, I do have anxiety, and want to address that professionally especially now. I’ve tried out a few but wasn’t happy with the fit.
  4. Thank you for this. To me, keeping it quiet and knowing we are living chastely is not committing any sin.
  5. Thank you, again.
 
Ukelala91 said:
Thanks so much for these points. Let me answer them.
  1. We are both 26, with full-time jobs and all that.
  2. I had given this much thought. In some ways I am dependent on him temporarily, but I also know that if I had to, I would make do on my own. Having him as a support system has made me humble, grateful, and given us a good perspective on our strengths and weaknesses.
  3. I have wonderful supportive friends, priests, and extended family members. I am also looking for a good Catholic therapist; as I mentioned, I do have anxiety, and want to address that professionally especially now. I’ve tried out a few but wasn’t happy with the fit.
  4. Thank you for this. To me, keeping it quiet and knowing we are living chastely is not committing any sin.
  5. Thank you, again.
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May you both be very happy! I wish you the very best in your exciting future together!
 
You are a grown up, sounds like your family are the ones with issues.
 
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