Engaged----and NO I'm NOT living with my Fiance!

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Good to hear we’re not the only ones! Yay! 👍

No one has actually ASKED me yet, they just go straight to assuming. My fiance just bought a house, and he wants me involved in fixing it up and decorating, so we’ve been spending a lot of time shopping for flooring and such. Every single salesperson we’ve dealt with have assumed we were living to together, and were caught off guard when one of us would say that we’re not. I mean, what, is my fiance not allowed to buy a house without having me move in? :confused: And then today, my doctor asked me a question about intercourse :eek: and I told her that my fiance and I weren’t sleeping together, and she was like, “Oh…”

Why does everyone just assume? I honestly WISH someone would actually ask, it would be so much better! 🤷
 
Assumptions run riot everywhere and not just in secular society. For example, why do people always assume that “living together” means “sleeping together”.
 
I’m so happy to know there ARE people out there with self-control and standards. I have 4 kids ages 10-17 and sometimes I get so depressed about trying to raise them in this world that goes against everything we’re trying to teach them. I also get annoyed with all my fellow parents who just assume and accept that it’s impossible for their children to wait until marriage to live together or have sex. I tell my children it’s VERY possible. Those of you who are living it, I’d appreciate any advice you can give me to keep my children following your example!
 
I have been confronted with the same and even some of my students in my high school statistics class that I teach asked me about it. I want to give them a response from the Church’s view-from the Catechism. Is there anything from the Catechism or Church Teaching that backs this view/lifestyle?
 
Yes, I’m engaged and have had that question posed many times. I like to reference Oprah’s book (when it’s a non-believer or non-practicing Catholic/Christian) called “The 10 things Women do to Screw up Their Lives” in which she lists living with a man before you’re married. It generally surprises them and leads to a short conversation or brief interchange that gives me an opportunity to share more with them than just a quick one-line answer. In fact, when my fiance and I travel together, we reserve separate hotel rooms and I love the confused looks on the receptionists’ faces when we’re checking in. I think it’s a good reminder for everyone that there are people in the world who don’t lower their standards. Try to look at the question, not as an insult, but as an opportunity to shed some light on the truth. It’s really sad how many people completely miss the point of marriage, and I can only feel sorry for those who “just don’t get it”.
Good luck, and congratulations!
 
jmschred86 said:
I have been confronted with the same and even some of my students in my high school statistics class that I teach asked me about it. I want to give them a response from the Church’s view-from the Catechism. Is there anything from the Catechism or Church Teaching that backs this view/lifestyle?
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Starting at paragraph 2337, the Catechism talks about chastity. Especially helpful may be: 2339, 2348, 2350, 2353

Also, starting at 2517, the Catechism talks about purity, which may also be helpful in your discussions.

I hope this helps!
 
I have a friend of mine who is always still teasing me that he is convinced that we MUST have had sex before we were married - he just can’t fathom the idea of marrying someone without doing that first…and he’s been married four times!! :rolleyes: (No, he’s not Catholic)

When I was in the last relationship before I got married, I was dating and engaged to someone who worked at the same company I work for. Everyone just assumed he would move into my house, he was renting an apartment. :rolleyes: We both felt VERY strongly about the living together thing, and it was a constant struggle to combat the assumption that EVERYONE lives together. 😛 The same friend above still does not believe me that I dated that guy for four years and never had sex with him. 😃

~Liza
 
If it were me I would just tell them I like doing things the old fashioned way and leave it at that. You don’t have to explain yourself to anyone. It’s none of there business unless they are sincerely interested in why you made the decision not too then maybe I would say God is giving you and opportunity to give a good example. Most people today just won’t understand the decision and moralizing to them won’t make them change or get you anywhere they’ll just get all defensive. 🤷👍
 
KatyB said:
I’m so happy to know there ARE people out there with self-control and standards. I have 4 kids ages 10-17 and sometimes I get so depressed about trying to raise them in this world that goes against everything we’re trying to teach them. I also get annoyed with all my fellow parents who just assume and accept that it’s impossible for their children to wait until marriage to live together or have sex. I tell my children it’s VERY possible. Those of you who are living it, I’d appreciate any advice you can give me to keep my children following your example!
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One of the biggest inspirations in my life was my own parents marriage. I can tell that my mom and dad love each other and their children very much. You have to be doing SOMETHING right if your *teenage *children don’t resent you for the boundaries you place on them.

I mean it…I can tell some people have had words with my mom saying that she’s too strict and her children are not going to survive in the real world because we live in a bubble. There are people waiting with baited breath for one of us to get pregnant or arrested or something.

But what they don’t understand is that…we don’t care! We really don’t. We love mom and we don’t want to let her down…not after all she does for us. We’re all bad at keeping our rooms clean…but we don’t do things behind her back. We don’t have that kind of relationship with her.

As far as I’m concerned, abstinence and not living together did not screw up my parent’s marriage (26 years and still going!) and it isn’t screwing up mine. But to be honest abstaining was way easier than suppressing the desire to live together (we have an unusual amount of self-control in the sex department). I won’t lie…the only reason I ever wished we could live together was because I just wanted to feel like I was married NOW. It had *nothing *to do with wanting to see if we were compatible. 😛

I wish I could put my finger on exactly what it was. But keep encouraging your kids that it’s possible and you have faith in their strength. Continue to be an inspiration to them by being a living example. As 20-something, it’s easier to abstain when you are *inspired *to do so instead of being scared into it. Then it because something you want and not a chore.
 
I believe not living together or engaging in premarital sex before marriage increases your odds of being happily married. I think the statistics show that too. 13 years and counting for me.
 
Kit15 said:
One of the biggest inspirations in my life was my own parents marriage. I can tell that my mom and dad love each other and their children very much. You have to be doing SOMETHING right if your *teenage *children don’t resent you for the boundaries you place on them.

I mean it…I can tell some people have had words with my mom saying that she’s too strict and her children are not going to survive in the real world because we live in a bubble. There are people waiting with baited breath for one of us to get pregnant or arrested or something.

But what they don’t understand is that…we don’t care! We really don’t. We love mom and we don’t want to let her down…not after all she does for us. We’re all bad at keeping our rooms clean…but we don’t do things behind her back. We don’t have that kind of relationship with her.

As far as I’m concerned, abstinence and not living together did not screw up my parent’s marriage (26 years and still going!) and it isn’t screwing up mine. But to be honest abstaining was way easier than suppressing the desire to live together (we have an unusual amount of self-control in the sex department). I won’t lie…the only reason I ever wished we could live together was because I just wanted to feel like I was married NOW. It had *nothing *to do with wanting to see if we were compatible. 😛

I wish I could put my finger on exactly what it was. But keep encouraging your kids that it’s possible and you have faith in their strength. Continue to be an inspiration to them by being a living example. As 20-something, it’s easier to abstain when you are *inspired *to do so instead of being scared into it. Then it because something you want and not a chore.
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Thank you for that excellent advice. Too often we go with the scare tactic route, when really, our actions will speak louder than words. Thanks for the reminder.

And to Walter X Mitty: You are right. The book referenced a few posts ago - 10 Ways Women Mess Up Their Lives - cites numerous studies showing that people who live together before marriage are more likely to break up.
 
I love this thread!!! I am engaged and I do not live with my fiance. Of course we are not perfect. It is nice to see that there is people out there who believe as I do.
 
Just got engaged about a month ago and people are always asking, “why don’t you live together” or “oh so when will you move in?” I tell them that we see each other enough on weekends and will be living together after the wedding.

Personally, I don’t think that it is necessary to explain too much about your choice. As many people have already mentioned, actions speak louder than words. We don’t need to preach on street corners to get our message across. This issue is rather sensitive and by making other people feel guilty through matter-of-fact responses they only feel hopeless or that they have missed the boat and it is too late for them.

Furthermore, it is probably not a good idea to say " I don’t open my presents before Christmas morning". Instead of focusing on the negative part of living together before marriage. It is probably more convincing to focus on the postive part of living separately before marriage and planning to live together after marriage. 🙂 People will begin to understand the value of waiting and understand that it is a great thing. Talk about how you are happy having your own identity as a single person and look forward to putting your home together later on knowing that you will be in the mind set that it is not just a “trial” experience, but forever. It takes makes you feel reassured about your future and you like that feeling. What better way to encourage them to do the same? 😉
 
I think that someone asking why you don’t live with your fiance is an excellent opportunity to witness to them that there ARE practicing Catholics. I would take the chance to say that the marital embrace is God’s wedding gift to husband and wife. The world needs to hear more of this…it may also be encouraging for them to hear such a response and could positively impact their views, too.
 
noclevername said:
It actually happens to me a lot. I am 37 and not living with my boyfriend and folks are very confused when they find out. They always assume that I am living with him. I give them no reason to think I live with him. I always say “his house” or “my house” and never “our house”, well 'cause it ain’t our house. But when they ask me why I’m not living with him, all I say is “becauase we aren’t married”. That simple statement actually astonishes them. It’s almost like a slap in the face. Makes me want to laugh. 👍
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I love this reply. Simple, direct, and states the obvious, or what used to be obvious.
 
You know there’s this phrase that goes “None of your business”, lol. You don’t have to answer questions like these if people ask you specifically because it’s none of their concern. But then again there’s nothing wrong with telling them the truth and leaving them dumbfounded, lol.

Now I on the other hand am the complete opposite. I’ve been engaged with my fiancee for a year now (we’ve been together for almost 2 years) and I HAVE been living with her for about a year as well and I don’t regret it. I know that the church doesn’t really approve of engaged couples living together. But in my opinion, it’s not so much “Living” with your fiancee that’s wrong. It’s when engaged couples start engaging in immoral/sexual activity while living together before their married that is wrong. Now I know that if you LIVE with your significant other the temptations are greater and there’s a greater risk for you to engage in sexual activity. But temptations are everywhere, all around us. It doesn’t matter if your single, in a relationship, living by yourself, or living with another person. Temptations are always gonna be everywhere and so that’s why I never saw the temptations excuse as a valid reason to not live with your significant other. People ARE capable of living together and not engaging in sexual activity until their married. I’m pretty sure those cases are very RARE and that it’s very hard to do so. But I am a personal witness to the fact that it CAN be done.

Now I’m not saying this to encourage or discourage people from doing so. Nor am I saying this to show off to anyone about me being abstinate all the way up to now. But I’m merely stating my opinion that I don’t believe LIVING together is wrong. But pre marital sex IS and I believe that 100%. And if your the kind of person that would rather not put yourself in that position, kudos to you all. I applaud you all for that. But at the same time, if you feel as though your someone who can handle being put in a position like that and hold strong until your married, then that’s ok too. Either way you should do what you feel is right.

And YES, I have spoken to many priests about this and many of them have given me different explanations. None of them approved of it, but they all told me the same general statement. And that was that as long as your not engaging in sexual activity then your ok and just be aware of the risks and know what your getting into.
 
Temptation to sexual behavior is only one reason why living together is a bad idea before marriage.

-Causes scandal.

-the ability to discern the marriage vows is severely inhibited. When one’s stable living situation includes owning a house/couch/pet with someone else they are not yet committed to, how much harder is it to say “no” if discerned that they shouldn’t be married to that person? In other words, when the wedding day comes, the vows aren’t “free”. Moving is one of the 5 big stressors of life. breakup of a relationship is another. If one by definition adds the other, than that clouds the thinking even more.

-The small annoyances that come from living with someone are not reasons to break up a relationship. THese are things that can be handled with the GRACE from the sacrament of marriage. Without the grace, the big things (deal breakers) can be hidden. One enters into a living situation before marriage as if they can always get out of it. That thinking does not just automatically change when there is a wedding.

-The statistics for divorce go way up for those couples that live together before marriage.
 
Liberanosamalo said:
Just smile and say, “No, and I’m not the kind of person who opens her presents before Christmas morning either.”

😉
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OOOOOH, gooood one!!! I’m also engaged to be married this May and we’re not living together. Nor do we want to! But he lives 15 minute walk from me, and it’s great to see him daily!
 
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