O
orbatrix
Guest
Hi all. (First post!)
I know this sort of issue has been raised before, but I’m taking a slightly different angle with it. First of all, I’ll say right off the bat that I believe that, while an unmarried couple could indeed be capable of sleeping in the same bed with no affront to chastity, it is still wrong for them to do so, barring extraordinary circumstances. I believe that people of the opposite sex, particularly ones who are in a relationship/attracted to each other, should not allow such an easily foreseeable and preventable possibility of temptation, let alone the question of scandal (which is actually trickier, I think).
I actually raised the issue with my roommate a while ago, when his girlfriend slept over in his room (that he doesn’t share with me) because it started raining and got cold while she was over hanging out. I told him I was fine with her spending the night at our apartment under such circumstances–this is at a school with a strong Catholic identity, where very very few people who actually knew the couple in question would assume that anything scandalous had taken place–but that I didn’t like the idea of any girl sleeping in any of our rooms, let alone in the same bed. That’s why we have a bajillion pillows and a comfy couch in the main room that’s open. Fortunately he was understanding and apologetic about it, saying that it was unintentional, they were just sitting together on the bed and were overcome by unexpected tiredness.
So that situation was fine. But it’s a little different with another couple of friends. They’re engaged, both Catholic, and both seriously Catholic; they tend to take moral questions thoughtfully and rationally, and they are in line with the Church’s teaching on every other issue I can think of offhand. They’ve taken NFP classes, etc., etc. But what surprises me is that it’s apparently somewhat commonplace that she will spend the night at his place, with him. (Typically this is because they’ve both had a couple drinks and have agreed beforehand not to drive her back in such a state, even if they think they safely could.) All his roommates seem comfortable with it, but when I had to stop by early one morning and wake him up (and he knew I was coming at that hour), I noticed that they shared the same bed, and both were, well, dressed for bed–not wearing much.
I don’t suspect for a moment that they were engaging in any sexual activity, but it was unsettling nonetheless. Of course I didn’t say anything at the time–they were too groggy to process it, I was surprised and didn’t know what to say anyway, and I wanted to be careful how I worded it–and well, it’s summer now, so I’m not seeing much of either of them. I know they’re truly wonderful people and strive to do God’s will, and if they’re doing this sort of thing it’s because they genuinely don’t see it as immoral. Unlike the situation with my roommate, though, I don’t share a house with these two, so I can’t bring up the subject very naturally or sound like I have a right to bring it up; to be honest, I’m not even sure if it’s my place. I think the fact of our friendship entitles–demands–me to speak up in Christian charity if it would help them, but…I have no idea how to do this without it: A) being out of the blue; B) sounding like a lecture rather than something born of love; and C) possibly offending them. There’s worse things in the world, of course, than offending a friend who doesn’t see things the right way, but I’d avoid that if I could.
I just don’t know if it’s a good idea or bad idea to raise the topic with him (her? I’m not even sure which would be more awkward), given that they’ll be married so soon. (I know that doesn’t justify their behavior, but I’m wondering if this is a situation where I should keep silent and not cause harm to the friendship or speak up and take the risk. Honestly I don’t think they’d be greatly offended, I just think it would be super awkward to talk to them about, especially since I don’t even live with him. Maybe I’m really looking for a way out for myself, not for them, ha.)
Anyway, any (well-reasoned) (name removed by moderator)ut is appreciated. Do I bring this up out of the blue, weeks later (we’ve talked since then and I’ve still said nothing about it), and just be frank and charitable? Or do I pray for their good judgment and strength of will and prudence, taking it to God but not to them? Thanks!
I know this sort of issue has been raised before, but I’m taking a slightly different angle with it. First of all, I’ll say right off the bat that I believe that, while an unmarried couple could indeed be capable of sleeping in the same bed with no affront to chastity, it is still wrong for them to do so, barring extraordinary circumstances. I believe that people of the opposite sex, particularly ones who are in a relationship/attracted to each other, should not allow such an easily foreseeable and preventable possibility of temptation, let alone the question of scandal (which is actually trickier, I think).
I actually raised the issue with my roommate a while ago, when his girlfriend slept over in his room (that he doesn’t share with me) because it started raining and got cold while she was over hanging out. I told him I was fine with her spending the night at our apartment under such circumstances–this is at a school with a strong Catholic identity, where very very few people who actually knew the couple in question would assume that anything scandalous had taken place–but that I didn’t like the idea of any girl sleeping in any of our rooms, let alone in the same bed. That’s why we have a bajillion pillows and a comfy couch in the main room that’s open. Fortunately he was understanding and apologetic about it, saying that it was unintentional, they were just sitting together on the bed and were overcome by unexpected tiredness.
So that situation was fine. But it’s a little different with another couple of friends. They’re engaged, both Catholic, and both seriously Catholic; they tend to take moral questions thoughtfully and rationally, and they are in line with the Church’s teaching on every other issue I can think of offhand. They’ve taken NFP classes, etc., etc. But what surprises me is that it’s apparently somewhat commonplace that she will spend the night at his place, with him. (Typically this is because they’ve both had a couple drinks and have agreed beforehand not to drive her back in such a state, even if they think they safely could.) All his roommates seem comfortable with it, but when I had to stop by early one morning and wake him up (and he knew I was coming at that hour), I noticed that they shared the same bed, and both were, well, dressed for bed–not wearing much.
I don’t suspect for a moment that they were engaging in any sexual activity, but it was unsettling nonetheless. Of course I didn’t say anything at the time–they were too groggy to process it, I was surprised and didn’t know what to say anyway, and I wanted to be careful how I worded it–and well, it’s summer now, so I’m not seeing much of either of them. I know they’re truly wonderful people and strive to do God’s will, and if they’re doing this sort of thing it’s because they genuinely don’t see it as immoral. Unlike the situation with my roommate, though, I don’t share a house with these two, so I can’t bring up the subject very naturally or sound like I have a right to bring it up; to be honest, I’m not even sure if it’s my place. I think the fact of our friendship entitles–demands–me to speak up in Christian charity if it would help them, but…I have no idea how to do this without it: A) being out of the blue; B) sounding like a lecture rather than something born of love; and C) possibly offending them. There’s worse things in the world, of course, than offending a friend who doesn’t see things the right way, but I’d avoid that if I could.
I just don’t know if it’s a good idea or bad idea to raise the topic with him (her? I’m not even sure which would be more awkward), given that they’ll be married so soon. (I know that doesn’t justify their behavior, but I’m wondering if this is a situation where I should keep silent and not cause harm to the friendship or speak up and take the risk. Honestly I don’t think they’d be greatly offended, I just think it would be super awkward to talk to them about, especially since I don’t even live with him. Maybe I’m really looking for a way out for myself, not for them, ha.)
Anyway, any (well-reasoned) (name removed by moderator)ut is appreciated. Do I bring this up out of the blue, weeks later (we’ve talked since then and I’ve still said nothing about it), and just be frank and charitable? Or do I pray for their good judgment and strength of will and prudence, taking it to God but not to them? Thanks!
) And sometimes people are hung up with sin simply because no one is there to babysit. I admit this.
