engaged life

[jmt2000]

No this is the only thing that She has accused me of being controlling.

 

[chevalier]

Hello,

I’m new on here.

Greetings!

I’m recently engaged to a girl that I met in church.

Congratulations.

We have been having some issues about hanging out with friends of the opposite sex. I don’t think that we should be alone with the opposite sex now that we are engaged but she does not agree with that. She thinks it would be alright to go watch a movie at her guy’s friend’s house alone, just the two of them. I told her that I believe we should not but ourselves in the near occasion of sin and so for what I have been reading in this topic is that we should not hang out alone with friends of the opposite sex.

You say “now that we are engaged” and then you talk about near occasion to sin. The near occasion of sin doesn’t depend on whether you’re engaged or not. Either it was near occasion to sin back when you still weren’t engaged, or it isn’t near occasion of sin even now.

Apologies for second-guessing you, but doesn’t the problem lie somewhere else? Maybe you feel disrespected by the fact that she’s engaged to you but would hang out alone with a friend of the opposite sex and watch a film, presumably at late hours, something which you see as generally a dating activity?

I have told her I have no problem with her hanging out with guys in groups or when I am there. What is really hard is that right now we are in different states. I have 8 months of college left and she is working. She has been saying that I am being controlling. Am I wrong for not wanting here to be alone with other men? Now I don’t mean at work I mean outside of work

Yes, I can see where she gets the impression that you’re controlling her. Near occasion of sin is a matter closely tied to an individual conscience and individual strengths or weaknesses. She may feel like you’re acting as if you were her spiritual director. Plus, it does seem like you’re getting it confused with fidelity issues.

On the other hand, I can see where your fears are coming from, but you need to stay calm, level-headed and reasonable. Long-distance relationships mean that you can’t be around, you don’t see the day-to-day signs in person’s behaviour, you don’t see what a person generally does with his or her time when he or she isn’t with you etc. Therefore a lot relies on trust. But it’s not her fault (not yours, either) and if you’ve chosen that kind of relationship, you need to trust her - or move, or let her go.

Secondly, while I see no reason why long-term friends of the opposite sex shouldn’t see a film together or pay a visit, and I don’t believe that getting engaged is the moment when you send your friends away, it does look kinda off to me. Certainly, it shouldn’t be worrying when we’re talking about long-term friends who are like siblings - on the other hand, I don’t really see why new friendships should lead to watching films alone. However, it must be stressed that friendship requires time alone. Friends are entitled to that. You must allow her to have her friends. The way to keep her faithful to you is through prayer and through treating her in such a way that she wants to be faithful to you - not through physically eliminating opportunities where she could choose a different guy. Now, if you had serious reasons to believe that staying alone with a friend and watching a film will make her have sex with him, that would mean she had a lot of work to do yet, that she probably weren’t ready for marriage and that you should probably find a new girlfriend.

The way I see it, she needs to make the choice whether you’re the guy she wants to spend a life with or not and you need to make the choice whether you trust her or not, and you need to see the difference between occasion of sin and fidelity to you. It’s two different things.

 

[chevalier]

Wow!
Thanks all of you for your advice!!!
And for the ones that disagree with me I understand you all don’t know me or my fiancé. But I do want to add that there has been a date set for the wedding which is this coming July. Here is a little more. When she says that I am being controlling it kills me. I am willing to sacrifice anything for her and she just can’t give up hanging out alone with her guy friends. I’m not asking her to give them up completely. I have no problem with her hanging out with them as long as they are with other friends. Another thing is that once I graduate I will be moving up to her so that she can continue to work at her “dream job” even though I will be giving up multiple high paying jobs down here. I most likely will be settling for jobs that don’t pay as much as I should be making but I am willing to sacrifice that for her. I also will be leaving my family and friends .So when she says I’m controlling by just giving up one thing when I am giving up quite a bit by relocating it really makes me think twice. I am willing to give up so much because I love her and really want to start a family with her.

Thanks again to all of you for the advice and please keep it coming!!!

I sense some strong emotions in you. It’s good to keep in mind that true love builds, it doesn’t destroy. If your feelings cause a chaos within you, it’s time to sit down and reflect and possibly talk to your priest or a Catholic counsellor (and there’s nothing wrong or shameful in that).

What I also see is that you’re seeing her and your concessions and sacrifices as not being on the same level. This can mean that she isn’t serious enough, but it can also mean that you want too much too soon. Try to give selflessly and if you see that the other person doesn’t seem to want to give selflessly to you, then it’s probably time to find another person. If you go bet by bet and need to use maths to stay even, then chances are that you aren’t ready to marry each other.

So… does it look in general like in your relationship you’re giving and she’s taking? Or does she readily and selflessly give something to you (I mean generally showing that she cares, making sure you’re okay, that you feel appreciated, sacrificing something)?

Something I might tell you from my own experience is that one shouldn’t be afraid to end a relationship that goes one way, or a relationship in which the two people are not on the same page, but one should also be ready to trust and to give without looking to get something back. So, if you have a good girl that has difficulties with some aspects of the relationship, you need to be understanding. But if you’re unhappy in the relationship, you see yourself as being shortchanged, unequally treated, not really loved, then you need to rethink the relationship.

Oh, and do talk to her, and try to avoid reacting too strongly or focusing too much on certain issues. It’s easy to obsess or overreact, but it’s less easy to fix it later. You need to resolve this problem before you marry, as well.

 

[stefina]

*Not knowing the people here it’s hard to say if you are being controlling, OP. I’ll say this, I’m married, and I don’t ‘hang out’ at men’s houses, and watch movies alone, without my husband. Not because my husband is controlling, rather I personally would feel uncomfortable. Why does your fiancee not want to spend that time with you? I dunno, maybe I’m old fashioned, but while I had friends who were male when I was dating, gosh, once dh and I became engaged, we couldn’t spend enough time together!

Sometimes, an engagement is a foreshadowing of what’s to come. I think you both need to make sure you’re on the same page now, before marriage. Marriage isn’t a cure all for things that bugged you during the engagement. Make sure you both understand the expectations of one another before marriage…and if this is important to you, and you know you’re not a controlling type, then go with you gut. If you are controlling, work on that.

God bless and best wishes to you both. *

I totally agree here with whatever girl. We dont know the full situation obviously, but you have to ask yourself if you two are ready for marriage. You should really talk to your fiancee and figure this out, to make sure that you both arent jumping into marriage with a handful of problems. I know I’d be upset if my fiancee wasnt spending more of their free time with me, but thats just me! Definatly make sure you guys are on the same page… its worth figuring out!