Engaged Man with Questions About Female Sexual Problems

[hariseldon]

My fiancée and I are planning on getting married in the next year. She has recently seen a gynecologist for some issues (which are not the subject of this post). Her gynecologist observed and told her that she is very small and that consummating the marriage might be very difficult and painful for her. She recommended thinking about two options, one of which involves the insertion of certain tubes (getting larger and larger over time) and the other involves a minor surgery in which she would be put to sleep with anesthetics and “several small incisions” would be made and she would wake up with no pain and her opening would be looser.

My question is this: are either of these morally permissible without first seeing if consummating the marriage is possible? I know (from her talking to married friends) that the first time, and sometimes many times afterwards, intercourse can be painful for one or both spouses, but over time it gets better. Should we believe her doctor that my fiancée is especially small and does require some sort of pre-marriage solution? I’d especially appreciate feedback from women who have had similar problems or their husbands.

 

[mommamaree]

I would advise you to listen to the advice of your fiancee’s doctor. Neither of those treatment options pose any moral problems.

 

[hariseldon]

My fiancee and I are both only 21, and so perhaps the doctors she had seen in the past didn’t mention anything because they thought it might be because she is still very young? I’m not sure, but I know that she always has had difficulties with the exams (fainting every time until recently). Perhaps since she wasn’t engaged and her doctor knew she was not planning on being sexually active they didn’t feel it was an urgent matter until now.

 

[hannajomar]

I also don’t see any immorality with either of those options posed by the doctor - before or after you are married. It is ultimately up to your fiance. I hope you support her in whatever she chooses. I hope she doesn’t feel pressure to “grin and bare it” if there is something that will relieve pain she might be having.

Best wishes!

 

[TheRealJuliane]

My fiancée and I are planning on getting married in the next year. She has recently seen a gynecologist for some issues (which are not the subject of this post). Her gynecologist observed and told her that she is very small and that consummating the marriage might be very difficult and painful for her. She recommended thinking about two options, one of which involves the insertion of certain tubes (getting larger and larger over time) and the other involves a minor surgery in which she would be put to sleep with anesthetics and “several small incisions” would be made and she would wake up with no pain and her opening would be looser.

My question is this: are either of these morally permissible without first seeing if consummating the marriage is possible? I know (from her talking to married friends) that the first time, and sometimes many times afterwards, intercourse can be painful for one or both spouses, but over time it gets better. Should we believe her doctor that my fiancée is especially small and does require some sort of pre-marriage solution? I’d especially appreciate feedback from women who have had similar problems or their husbands.

I would advise her to wait and see. There are 2 people involved and it could be that everything will connect up just fine. You shouldn’t anticipate problems to the point of having a surgery when you don’t KNOW that this will be a problem.

 

[nodito]

I would advise her to wait and see. There are 2 people involved and it could be that everything will connect up just fine. You shouldn’t anticipate problems to the point of having a surgery when you don’t KNOW that this will be a problem.

This is good advice. I would also approach the wedding night with the understanding that it might not work and that it’ll be fun just to get to see each other naked even if you can’t consummate it at that time.

I would definitely get a second opinion before choosing any type of surgery, regardless of when that happens. How long would the tube option take? Is it something that fixes the issue over the course of weeks or months or years?

 

[Allegra]

It’s a bit odd that no gynecologist has ever mentioned this to her before…
I would definitely get a second opinion before doing anything.

If your fiancee has gone for check-ups every year as most women do, a doctor would be expected to mention anything she see that is amiss or unusual in any way…

.

Perhaps she hasn’t gone to the gyn before. I saw no reason to go prior to being married. It isn’t urgent for a young woman to go unless she is sexually active.

 

[Allegra]

If I was in that situation, I would want to give it a try before consenting to any surgeries. However, you should keep it in mind and be prepared that you might not be able to complete intercourse the first time. There is nothing morally wrong with either of the procedures your wife’s doctor recommended, however, I’m sorta picky about people cutting on me and I would want to make sure there was an actual problem before attempting to fix it.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Your fiancee’s doctor is also used to seeing a wide variety of women’s internal organs. Maybe “small” is relative. I would urge caution and not assuming that surgery is necessary until you two have actually been together.

 

[twoangels]

My fiancee and I are both only 21, and so perhaps the doctors she had seen in the past didn’t mention anything because they thought it might be because she is still very young? I’m not sure, but I know that she always has had difficulties with the exams (fainting every time until recently). Perhaps since she wasn’t engaged and her doctor knew she was not planning on being sexually active they didn’t feel it was an urgent matter until now.

AVOID SURGERY! Penetration problems are rare in themselves, but when they do occur they are almost always vaginismus. Considering your fiancee was fainting during previous attempts only seems to indicate the very psychological componant of vaginismus.

vaginismus.com/faqs/vaginismus-questions/vagina-too-small

Go with dialators and some type of psychological therapy. Where the moral problems will lie is that vaginismus sufferers often have a lot of moral misunderstandings about sex. Getting those clarified can be difficult because we come from a very unique prospective and are prone to misunderstanding things.

I think for us, its best to stay with basic moral principles and to not get caught up into legalism with specific situations. Consider that advanced sexual morality. Figure out the basics through treatment and don’t be afraid of moral errors. That fear can hinder treatment. You have to get your mind out of the way. Then, once healing is complete, you can worry about the advanced stuff and be less likely to misunderstand.

 

[ccmcmg]

My fiancée and I are planning on getting married in the next year. She has recently seen a gynecologist for some issues (which are not the subject of this post). Her gynecologist observed and told her that she is very small and that consummating the marriage might be very difficult and painful for her. She recommended thinking about two options, one of which involves the insertion of certain tubes (getting larger and larger over time) and the other involves a minor surgery in which she would be put to sleep with anesthetics and “several small incisions” would be made and she would wake up with no pain and her opening would be looser.

My question is this: are either of these morally permissible without first seeing if consummating the marriage is possible? I know (from her talking to married friends) that the first time, and sometimes many times afterwards, intercourse can be painful for one or both spouses, but over time it gets better. Should we believe her doctor that my fiancée is especially small and does require some sort of pre-marriage solution? I’d especially appreciate feedback from women who have had similar problems or their husbands.

In my personal opinion, I suggest you wait. There are products that can be used to help ease if this becomes an issue, and I don’t think they are against Catholic teaching, at least not when used for medical reasons, which this is.

Also, I know of many couples who did not have sex on their wedding night, because they are so tired from all the excitement and emotional day, so if she is tired, it might be best to wait a night, but not much longer than that. Being tired affects a woman’s body’s reaction physically and emotionally, especially if there is a perceived problem.

God bless both of you, and best wishes!
Christina

 

[Falco]

Dilators work over a few weeks - all skin is stretchy, and the hymen is only a band of skin, like the webbing between thumb and forefinger. If your gyn says it could be difficult, listen to him. There is a big difference between carefully inserting a speculum into a vagina, using spotlights, good eyesight and two hands, and full blown sex between two inexperienced people. If the gyn found it tricky to gently insert an instrument, (once in and remove), think of the problems you could have! Of course, you may be small yourself, in which case it may not be a problem. I’d start with the dilators, but don’t back away from a small surgical procedure, which is better than having the area tearing at random on your honeymoon. It should be no more painful than getting her ears pierced.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

No necessarily. Many women are advised to get a yearly check-up to test for cancer cells, etc. Ovarian cancer, for example, has no obvious symptoms until late stage.

But women who have had no sexual contact are at less risk for these diseases. I’m not saying it’s unnecessary to have check-ups, but it’s more important when you have a sexual history.

 

[Debora123]

My advice:

She should start the insertion of the tubes now. If a month after the wedding, intercourse is still painful for her, she should look into surgery.

 

[Allegra]

No necessarily. Many women are advised to get a yearly check-up to test for cancer cells, etc. Ovarian cancer, for example, has no obvious symptoms until late stage.

I didn’t mean that it wasn’t advisable to go, just that it isn’t as ugent. If a woman is in her late teens and early twenties, doesn’t have ovarian cancer in her family history, and has never been sexually active, her risk is extremely low. I was never advised by my primary doctor to go, until I was in my mid twenties.

 

[bsroufek]

I knew an old man who said that his wife was small and that it took a while to form her sexually.

He said he was a boxer and that he had left for 6 months on a boxing tour. When he came back, he said, he knew that his wife had been faithful because he had to start all over with stretching her out again.

…just a bit of info…

 

[Allegra]

I knew an old man who said that his wife was small and that it took a while to form her sexually.

He said he was a boxer and that he had left for 6 months on a boxing tour. When he came back, he said, he knew that his wife had been faithful because he had to start all over with stretching her out again.

…just a bit of info…

TMI…and ouch.

 

[mfrances]

My fiancée and I are planning on getting married in the next year. She has recently seen a gynecologist for some issues (which are not the subject of this post). Her gynecologist observed and told her that she is very small and that consummating the marriage might be very difficult and painful for her. She recommended thinking about two options, one of which involves the insertion of certain tubes (getting larger and larger over time) and the other involves a minor surgery in which she would be put to sleep with anesthetics and “several small incisions” would be made and she would wake up with no pain and her opening would be looser.

My question is this: are either of these morally permissible without first seeing if consummating the marriage is possible? I know (from her talking to married friends) that the first time, and sometimes many times afterwards, intercourse can be painful for one or both spouses, but over time it gets better. Should we believe her doctor that my fiancée is especially small and does require some sort of pre-marriage solution? I’d especially appreciate feedback from women who have had similar problems or their husbands.

I have this problem but choose not to be treated. I’ve been married a year now. I was okay the first time, it hurt but I did not focus on pain and this worked for me. It absolutely got better with practice and lots of relaxing. If we don’t have intercourse in a while it was somewhat difficult again. I’m pregnant now so it did not hinder us in that way.

 

[PaulGH]

I would advise her to wait and see. There are 2 people involved and it could be that everything will connect up just fine. You shouldn’t anticipate problems to the point of having a surgery when you don’t KNOW that this will be a problem.

+1

Also, if you get married and you find that there is a problem, try a lubricant before trying something as drastic as surgery. Pre-Seed brand works well and does not interfere with fertility (or at least it claims not to).

 

[PaulGH]

+1

Also, if you get married and you find that there is a problem, try a lubricant before trying something as drastic as surgery. Pre-Seed brand works well and does not interfere with fertility (or at least it claims not to).

But on second thought, the doctor probably knows what he is talking about, and not doing anything could lead to a very frustrating wedding night. Perhaps she should try the non-surgical option now, and opt for the surgery later (after the wedding) if that doesn’t work. A second medical opinion wouldn’t be a bad idea either.

Regarding the moral question, I don’t see any reason why either of these medical treatments would be morally wrong. However, if it were my wife, I would be hesitant to recommend surgery unless all other less invasive options had been tried.