Engaged/Married women, I have some questions for you

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Mom_of_one

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Ladies, I have met an absolutely wonderful Catholic man. It’s only been a short time that we have known each other, but what I am learning about him is exceptional. (Plus, he comes with high recommendations from 2 of the members of this forum. One of the members introduced us. Thanks, Lisa! Love ya!)

For those of you who are engaged or married, when did you know that you were in love with that man? When did you know that he was “the one” that God had planned for you to be with? I’m sure it’s different for everyone, but I’m a little on the nervous side, having had some very bad relationships in the past, and even though there has been alot of counseling and alot of prayer in being healed emotionally, I’m not used to good relationships and I don’t want to jump the gun or destroy this. He’s too wonderful a man.

And anyone else who wants to respond, feel free.
 
I have heard it recommended that you marry within a year of starting to date each other, if that is the road you decide to take. Me? I met my husband in 11th grade at the regional science fair, and it was love at first sight. It was also a looooong 4.5 years until we were *able * to marry 🙂 Sorry I couldn’t be of more help! Good luck Mom of One and God Bless!! Stay close to Our Blessed Mother and her Son 😉
 
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CatholicSam:
I have heard it recommended that you marry within a year of starting to date each other, if that is the road you decide to take. Me? I met my husband in 11th grade at the regional science fair, and it was love at first sight. It was also a looooong 4.5 years until we were *able *to marry 🙂 Sorry I couldn’t be of more help! Good luck Mom of One and God Bless!! Stay close to Our Blessed Mother and her Son 😉
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So, you believe that you can love someone pretty much right from the start?
 
You may have a strong and justified inclination that this man is for you. If this is true, he’ll be the right man for you next year, five years from now, and so on. 🙂 Take your time. Really get to know him and if you eventually feel safe in doing so, introduce him to your son and see how they respond to one another.

I personally knew right away with my husband. We spoke about marriage after only several weeks of dating. We waited to get engaged until six months, then were married six months after that. However, we didn’t have other circumstances or people to consider in our decision (such as children or education). Everyone’s timeline for their relationship will be different because every relationship is unique.

Develop a spiritual life together. Go to adoration and attend mass. Pray for one another and ask God to show you His will for the relationship.

Because you mention a history of bad relationships, you need to be extra cautious in being sure you are evaluating the situation with as much clear-thinking as possible. If you are still seeing a counselor, enlisting his or her guidance might be a good idea. Love is not just an emotion, it’s a choice. Be careful that this man doesn’t get built up in your mind to be so flawless and perfect that finding a fault disasterously disappoints you. By the same token, don’t overlook dealbreakers in hopes of believing he’s really the one. 🙂
 
Mom of one:
Ladies, I have met an absolutely wonderful Catholic man. It’s only been a short time that we have known each other, but what I am learning about him is exceptional. (Plus, he comes with high recommendations from 2 of the members of this forum. One of the members introduced us. Thanks, Lisa! Love ya!)

For those of you who are engaged or married, when did you know that you were in love with that man? When did you know that he was “the one” that God had planned for you to be with? I’m sure it’s different for everyone, but I’m a little on the nervous side, having had some very bad relationships in the past, and even though there has been alot of counseling and alot of prayer in being healed emotionally, I’m not used to good relationships and I don’t want to jump the gun or destroy this. He’s too wonderful a man.

And anyone else who wants to respond, feel free.
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We just knew immediately that we’d met our soulmate. It’s as if we were created just for the other. We were engaged within weeks and married with a year. Just celebrated 14 happy years and still going strong.
 
I’m one of the few who didn’t know I had met my future spouse. I had just gotten out of a long relationship in which I was seeking marriage and my boyfriend was seeking a long relationship with benefits if possible. I met Kevin and decided just to “Date” for a while and to figure out what I was looking for in a spouse.

About 2 weeks into dating, he told me that he’d do absolutely anything for me or with me except go to Mass. He had fallen away from the faith and hadn’t been a participating Catholic since 8th grade (he was 40). I really struggled with whether to keep even casually dating him but figured that it was just casual and I needed some time to sort out what I was looking for anyway.

About 2 months after that, a mass was offered for my deceased father, and Kevin asked if he could go with me. When we got back to the car and he said how good being reunited with God had felt, I knew that he was a serious contender. When he joined the Knights of Columbus, started carrying his rosary and asking me questions about scapulars, confession, etc…, I knew he was the one.

So I guess for some of us it isn’t instantaneous. I also was misled for a while into thinking that previous boyfriends could be the one. Based on that experience, I would be certain I knew who I was before I thought I had found the person to spend my life with.

Good luck! I hope you’ll share the progress of this great romance with us!
 
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Princess_Abby:
You may have a strong and justified inclination that this man is for you. If this is true, he’ll be the right man for you next year, five years from now, and so on. 🙂 Take your time. Really get to know him and if you eventually feel safe in doing so, introduce him to your son and see how they respond to one another.

I personally knew right away with my husband. We spoke about marriage after only several weeks of dating. We waited to get engaged until six months, then were married six months after that. However, we didn’t have other circumstances or people to consider in our decision (such as children or education). Everyone’s timeline for their relationship will be different because every relationship is unique.

Develop a spiritual life together. Go to adoration and attend mass. Pray for one another and ask God to show you His will for the relationship.

Because you mention a history of bad relationships, you need to be extra cautious in being sure you are evaluating the situation with as much clear-thinking as possible. If you are still seeing a counselor, enlisting his or her guidance might be a good idea. Love is not just an emotion, it’s a choice. Be careful that this man doesn’t get built up in your mind to be so flawless and perfect that finding a fault disasterously disappoints you. By the same token, don’t overlook dealbreakers in hopes of believing he’s really the one. 🙂
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What would be dealbreakers, other than alcohol abuse, drugs, and physical/emotional/sexual abuse?

And very good advice from you, as always. Thank you. 😃
 
I agree with the other members of the forum that a year for preparation into marriage is best. It certainly takes a long time to get to know a person really well. I still learn new things about my husband (like, he has some rare stamp collection & his stepfather accidentally through his Christmas money into a fire when he was 16)-- and I have know him 8 years!

I think you can go with your heart and that you love him, but perhaps give it that year or whatever to discern marriage. Marriage is for life and you want to go into it with a clear head and perhaps talk about your life goals first and see if they are compatible. God Bless.
 
Mom of one:
What would be dealbreakers, other than alcohol abuse, drugs, and physical/emotional/sexual abuse?

And very good advice from you, as always. Thank you. 😃
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Dealbreakers are many things. Think of them as personal preferences or absolutes from which you won’t (or wouldn’t, if not involved at all and just speculating about a future relationship) ever compromise on.

Such as, I assume you want to date a man with a job. Sure, he could wash dishes for two bucks an hour and maybe you’re fine with that, but you may end up supporting him financially quite a bit if that’s the case. Or maybe he’s a gynecologist and prescribes birth control pills and that is morally offensive to you. Or maybe he has little ability to grasp the complexities of your son’s issues and therefore can’t relate to him. All or any of the above could be “dealbreakers” for some women.

How does he communicate? Since you’re newly dating, you probably haven’t had more than a tiff. 🙂 It’s very important to see how someone handles conflict, disagreement and disappointment, because there is plenty in life that a married couple might have to overcome. Does he fly off the handle at any perceived insult or misunderstanding? Does he withdraw and become aloof? Does he throw a childish, shouting tantrum and resort to calling names or responding to your complaints with, “well but YOU did this, this and that…” etc.? Does he respect your boundaries and when you need time or space to process and think? Does he forgive easily and completely? Does he speak to you with care and consideration?

What is his relationship like with his family? What is his understanding of and how do his actions indicate a wife’s place in his life? Is he willing to make you the priority and his parents’ wishes secondary?

Does he have faith? Is he a practicing Catholic?

Is he open to children and raising them Catholic? Can he contribute to supporting them? How does he see your role as wife and mother and is it compatible with what you want?

Where would you live? Unless he is in the same town (which he may be, I don’t now), are you willing to uproot and move to where he is? Or is he willing to consider moving out your way? How would this affect you financially and emotionally? What about your son?

Speaking of your son, does he have any experience for children? How do you feel about the dynamic between the two of them? How does your son feel about him? What kind of relationship does he forsee having with your son? Step-father, friend, etc?

Anyway, these are just a few things that come to mind in terms of “must-haves” in a relationship, some of which may or may not be ultra important to you, but others might be.
 
Princess Abby has pretty much covered everything that I think is important.😃

I would only add that, on top of all of the other considerations, you must think of long term repercussions with your child. I personally would not date or remarry if I had a child under the age of 18. A personal choice, I know, but one with well founded reasons.

I think that since you do have a child it would be better to err on the side of caution and date for longer than suggested. REALLY get to know this man and see how he handles a variety of situations. Time is your friend here. If you make a mistake it won’t be only your heart broken…

Malia
 
Mom of one:
What would be dealbreakers, other than alcohol abuse, drugs, and physical/emotional/sexual abuse?

And very good advice from you, as always. Thank you. 😃
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Probably the three biggest areas of disagreement are: 1) how you and he handle money (and all the ramifications that are contained in that); 2) how you discipline children, and 3) sexual intimacy.

For the last, look to Theology of the Body.

For the middle look to Dr. Ray Gurendi (I am sure I have misspelled his name).

For the first, there is a gentlemen who has appeared on Catholic Answers several times, who I believe has a workbook for family finances. The question here goes much deeper than that, but that is a good place to start.
 
Mom of one:
What would be dealbreakers, other than alcohol abuse, drugs, and physical/emotional/sexual abuse?
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For me, deal breakers also were: if he’s non-catholic, if he doesn’t practice his faith, if he’s in favor of birth control, if we can’t (reasonably) match up the number of children you want, if he refuses to raise children Catholic, things like that.

Intuitively, I was looking for someone who could and would really and truely be the spiritual head of our household. We fell in love right away, and then took some time to discover the rest! I knew he was incredible, and most likely my future husband, when I found out he was doing the Consecration to Mary according to St. Louis de Montfort just a few months after I did it, but hadn’t told him about it yet! We then consecrated our relationship to Jesus through Mary, and haven’t looked back since. (amost 4 years of marriage and 2 children so far!)

Making the commitment to find out the will of God and do it will inevitably lead you down the right path. That is where true peace is. It’s very neat to find how easy God makes it to know His Will and trust in it after you make that commitment.
 
I spent several months praying to the BVM and her son to help me find someone who would love me for me (I have severe health problems) and who would be strong spiritually. I stopped dating for 7 yrs. because I was in a relationship that ended badly. He started becoming verbal abusive & was cheating on me. Plus he stopped going to church b/c he said he didn’t need Jesus in his life.

Finally, after meeting many men through a dating service, DH was the one who really impressed me the most. On our 2nd date, he wanted to attend mass with me and then wound up joining the parish I belonged to. He even bought me a cross necklace and a family Bible for our 3 month anniversary & told me that he prayed that we’d still be together after a yr.

Then he attended the support group for Crohn’s to educate himself about the illnesss & even rushed me to the ER when I had a blockage. I thought for sure that he’d leave me after seeing what I went through, but he stayed by my side the entire time.

We were engaged shortly thereafter, and discussed our future to make sure we were both on the same page as a mature couple,(we both didn’t believe in divorce),spiritually and financially. Also, we were both concerned on starting a family b/c of my illness but didn’t know how to go about it.

After hearing about NFP through pre-cana, he was all for learning it before we were married. This was the answer to our prayers!! It will be 9 yrs. in October that we’ve been together and I can honestly say, that our bond has strengthened after dealing with my health issues over the past 8 yrs. and the recent death of his dad.

Take your time, pray together, and have faith that God will point you in the right direction. I am so glad that I waited and didn’t rush into a relationship that might have ended badly.

God knew what He was doing when we met. Hubby is the best spiritual example for me & I wouldn’t have it any other way.

You will be in my prayers,
Lisa :blessyou:
 
I met the huz on a cruise ship. I was at university, and my parents took the family on a cruise. He was an entertainer. We spent every free moment together on that trip.

He went back to the US. I went back to university, which is about as far from the US as you can get and still be on Earth. I figured if it was meant to be, we’d keep in touch.

He wrote me for a year. Every day. And I wrote him. (E-mail hadn’t been invented yet; neither had word processors.) I think we got to know each other better through those letters than we would have done in person.

He came to visit. My parents liked him. (They liked him when I met him and really liked that he wrote.) He proposed, with one condition: we couldn’t live in my home country. I was having some trouble with my home country myself at the time, as were all right-thinking people, really.

I said yes. I followed him to America, and here we are, almost 19 years and three kids later.

It’s a big, funny world.
 
Mom of one:
For those of you who are engaged or married, when did you know that you were in love with that man? When did you know that he was “the one” that God had planned for you to be with?
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I met my spouse through Ave Maria Catholic Singles. We corresponded and talked on the phone for many months before meeting.

We used a book by Neil Clark Warren called Date Or Soul Mate. In it he describes making your “must have” and your “deal breaker” list. So, we did this exercise and discussed each in depth. It was very worthwhile before moving forward. We then went through the dimensions in his book and discussed them. We then utilized For Better Forever by Greg Popcak when discussing our relationship and God’s plan for us.

Yes, something of a head-over-heart approach in some ways. But, we both believe that love is an act of the will. It’s not all about “emotion”.

I knew he was the one because I love the man that he is-- his integrity, his love for family, his character, his faith-- and because we were so completely compatible in all things. Also, because it wasn’t “hard”. There weren’t a bunch of “if only” … like “if only he went to Church” and there weren’t any “well, maybe” or excuses why he didn’t call, or red flags, etc. It just WAS.
 
I knew two weeks after we started dating that we were going to get married. He felt the same way too. We got engaged on the anniversary of our first date and were married six months later. Abby and others have covered some great things to consider. I’d advise taking things slowly, especially since you’ve had bad relationships before. If he’s the right one for you, he’ll wait. We actually waited so long to get engaged b/c DH had been in a serious relationship a number of years before and that had ended badly. He wanted to wait a year to make sure that our relationship stuck. So, take it slow, and most importantly, pray, pray, pray!
 
How old is your child? I think if you have a young child, I’d take things slow…My mom was a widow at 38, I was only 7 at the time and she only ever dated one man after my father’s death and I just wasn’t ‘ready’…I hated the man, as far as I was concerned I wanted my daddy back! Not a surprise the relationship was a disaster, as I retreated into my bedroom every time he visited…And my mom felt I was her priority, so she told him this wasn’t going to work. So, make sure your child knows he/she is still your priority and that you are happy with this man, but that you are willing to take the time so you can all get to know eachother!

Anna x
 
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anna1978:
How old is your child? I think if you have a young child, I’d take things slow…My mom was a widow at 38, I was only 7 at the time and she only ever dated one man after my father’s death and I just wasn’t ‘ready’…I hated the man, as far as I was concerned I wanted my daddy back! Not a surprise the relationship was a disaster, as I retreated into my bedroom every time he visited…And my mom felt I was her priority, so she told him this wasn’t going to work. So, make sure your child knows he/she is still your priority and that you are happy with this man, but that you are willing to take the time so you can all get to know eachother!

Anna x
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My son is 7. He’s praying that this man and I fall in love, believe or not. 😃 But, if my son wasn’t happy with this, it’d would be completely different. He comes first.
 
My wife and I (mostly) decided that we would marry before we really even talked. We were both ready to get married and knew what we were looking for. A mutual friend gave us the run-down on the other’s habits/traits/desires, and we decided that if we talked and things seemed alright that we would marry. Two weeks later we were engaged, and two months later we were married. Three years (and one son) later I can safely say that it was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made.

Love is a choice. Don’t be fooled by Hollywood and romance novels - love is a conscious decision. Emotions can and do come and go; if you follow only your emotions (as western culture tells us to do) you’ll wind up an adulterer/serial monogamist and never really know love. IMHO, love is made manifest in the sorrows and hardships more profoundly than in the joys. Love, like faith, is an act of will; it is a willing submission of mind and body to the service and good of another. It should be informed by reason, but (lest I be misunderstood) it cannot be coldly reduced simply to reason. If you have an attraction to him and think he’s the kind of guy you’re looking for (a.k.a., led by God to be with), make the decision and don’t look back. Make a decision to love him with your whole heart, body, soul and mind, and then simply do it. As long as Christ is at the center of your marriage, He will use the sacrament of your union to draw you closer to each other and to Him. Be not afraid. Trust in Jesus. If you haven’t prayed about it (or haven’t received an answer yet), simply say to God, “I’m gonna’ do this thing unless you stop me. I’ll be watching and waiting and open to your will.” God won’t let you down if you seek to do His will and have faith. Believe me - I know.

God Bless,
RyanL
 
That’s great that he’s positive about it 😃 ! I’d really take things slow and make sure that you’re on the same page with things like how you want to raise him and further children, that you talk about ANYTHING that may crop up NOW, don’t wait until you’re married…and then I think you’ll be fine. Honestly, ‘falling in love’ is far more that feeling attracted to someone/having butterflies, it also means being compatible, agreeing on the main issues in life,being at a similar ‘stage’ in your life…seeing a future together! And if all that slots into place, you’ll find yourself falling in love almost without effort 👍 I don’t think I was ever ‘in love’ with my husband, but the love we have for eachother has grown and grown over the years, and I find him now more attractive than ever 😉

Anna x
 
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